It so unexpected and wondeful as I have a new breath in my deals. I feel wishes to do, to make my own life better.
So, it was so short study day as I cannot say anything special about this. We’ve finished to watch the film about king Solomon on art history – very educating. Then I studied the words on pedagogic and answered the questions. Zenya has bought a dog – so alive little labrador with sadly eyes. I’m a little envious about it but the same time I’m sure I will have my own dog in my own house sometimes.
On types everybody was stretches from the perspective of show tasks to Brivin. He’s very critical and caustic last times. But to my surprise he didn’t shoot my works from a gun. Or I just was so senseless and undifferent for his habitual tone of voice.
There is so much deeds for this week and a month at all.
This day has started with my not getting out of bed early enough. I’d been angry and vexed by perspective of day. Even thinks about Nastya birthday brought me irritation.
When I had came in the workshop there were a few people, whom I hadn’t noticed but then I perplexcedly congradulated Katya and Nastya with birthday. In one word I couldn’t be marry and make any fanny jokes for friendly atmosphere because of my anger and weakness and some kind of disaster inside. I didn’t want to celebrate anything at all. Girls were talking about vapid things but I wanted to go away more and more. In such kind of situation a strange willpower force you to do what you in fact must to do.
There was so little people today and teachers were passing through the workshop breathing hard and keeping silence. View from the window hadn’t changed all the time.
After abbreviated russian lesson I went home and think about my future. Listening Queen you unwittingly become better.
What I need to have else now? It’s a delicious tepid sunday. I’ve ran on the main street morning and then we had a traditional breakfast with pancakes and coffee. I’ve watched so beautiful places on TV and went to make sketches.
Sometimes it’s so tiresome to have teachers who obligation you with some kind of composition idea what you had at start. I offen change my first idea on the second and the next afterward. But what the sense I feel growing inside me? There’s some kind of restraint in front of teacher’s voice. It’s so hard to save your composition, your figures, your colour and your thinks through another hands. I’ve forced to do a plot about “a wonder” in graphic only because of I didn’t any sketch for graphic, but have many one for painting. Accordingly I change painting work for graphic and absolutely have no idea how to make it with water-colours. Furthermore it must include images of world’s sides. I mean girls\women who impersonate north, south, east and west. I’ve read about symbolic means of this and induced I can’t save my composition frozen how it’s now. In one word I scare to make something, but not to do something at all will not direct me the best total.
I feel necessity to take an order in my life, throw something vain out and add others to make work and life better.
It was day of surprises, turn of events and spirit of new life.
In the morning I was so hurry about decorate a painting work before review as not to put on lenses. In the dress for theatre it’s so cold because of the north wind. I’ve decorated a work so fast that any deal more was absent for me I sat for study. Certainly the context of the room was as usual chatty, silly and not intresting at all. Masha barely moved the brush palette, girls watched on dresses and me studied the words and then sketched. On the review (we’ve known it early)it was so little homeworks that we hadn’t any hope and any straight and any wish for anxiety about this fact.
We’re laughing till were going among works. All the lesson after photos were made, talk was continiued. When I was passing toward the door Britvin entered inside with two works for fund (one is mine and other is Masha’s). I couldn’t believe but that was the true what has happened without any waiting for. Accordingly it arises the question “What can show me my own level of success in deeds?”
Naturally I renewed myself. I smiled and warked truly inspired. But the same time the process of thinking were going inside. Maybe I really wrong seeking other ways for my life and I just try to take a soft option without creation’s pain – pain of uncomprehension. My teacher suggested me redo all my idea in composition and make a picture about an artist and a nude sitter whom have separated with canvas. So fully. Maybe I really haven’t discovered my own idea apprehensible, but it’s not the cause for redoing all only because of Britvin’s opinion. I desided to keep my song.
After painting lesson I’ve left for sketching. Sitting in a soft armchair and thinking about composition I wanted to write about my wishes to show for. Leafing throgh the notebook I’ve found a note what I make the first day in London. I’ve wrotten so beautiful though I didn’t think so. There was some lines with so confident and happy knowlenge how it will be in future indeed. And I’ve wrotten only the true for me. Something most important happens with me and with everybody on our course. We must deside what to do so fast as it’s possible. Somebody cries or grow stupid or feel panic so much as lose working ability somebody like me enjoys the moment allegedly it’s a last moment.
It so windy, cloudy and contrastly on the street.
Everyone wants to walk, rest and forget about study. College hours vain for frolicsome, warm or vulgar chat. Our Kostya is going to join the army. That is a result of stupid new order! Girls inlike Kostya himself vexed about this more. Life is changing in front of our eyes. I would to say about a picture of crying Masha. She said about scare for studing 6 years yet but to become somebody great or undestand that this profession isn’t your. She is fireless to art now. We (me, Masha and Nastya.H) discussed an escape in St.Petersburg without money and connections. Only in that morning I thought about art history faculty like a real option to change my life. I feel that I don’t need to enter to Academy, that it’s not my place and point of view on painting. We all have no idea what to do.
I’ve tired by wedding party of cousin. I can do justice to my hike on 3 of 10. Because of my not aquaintense with anybody I hadn’t known before. For example my new farther Jew relatives. I recognized them immediately as all of them looks like my farther or looks good and attractive in spite of my near relavatives. Daughters always seek boys similar their farthers.
I was dancing, keeping silly silence, eating, feeling beautiful and lonely myself. My inside becomes closed on all possible locks when my god-mother, my far relavatives from mother’s side are beside of me.