Nevertheless summer till it’s not so fervent is wonderful time of hope evoking. You are like regenerate for life with all its positive sides. Feeling like Sun penetrates inside and lightes malice, irritation and sad with warm colourful beam. I look on windows what reflection sky and trees, men and girls in bright t-shirts. There’s something like hope and sense of real life. All the time before I mean as autumn as spring it was so painful state with miserables tentations to be happy. Now when in my eyes are big cities and future I more happy then when I’m in grey lifeless workshop. As it have been all the first part of the day. There is foolish rumours, “bad day” talks and no any art, no any spirit of free youth. Only prospective mums and wives.
Also there is so strange sense when you look on lots art in the world, read about problems and successes but when you are in college it’s like a village without any contacts with real life out of these walls. Allegedly you life two lifes.
It was not so long day. Morning I slow every time thinking and looking through the window painted composition. Despite of lazy and dark thoughts I continiued. Then I had few hours with philosophy before a text about exam’s transfer. I don’t know what to say.
Today I try to smile, to see good things around and to be happy. I’ve already wait for finish of the session for free days.
Unusual morning it was grey and windy that why I enjoyed by fresh air blowing on my arms and face. Nobody was in workshops what use as exhibition place now. Art historu test was altogether basically. When we were sitting in the corridor I was chill about session again though yesterday it did me sad.
After the second formal test I went away. Sun’d appeared yet. I bought new shoes.
Morning I was indolent and lazy. So terrible state what I have from time to time so long. I thought about it yesterday and have had an issue that it started with new state rule about education.
2 o’clock mum with me went for shopping. It was long very long process during what I had made more fun and alive. It’s so silly to buy any chiness old-fashion model that I couldn’t keep calm. I felt confident and stern gravity together with frolicsome and jokes all the time. That state of searching is some kind of scour of head from any tiresome thinks. And you would have clearer mind, obvious purposes. Something like a hike to museum or theatre, church for somebodies, on the whole a place where you can forget about all the world outside the door. Accordingly we set in the cafe, I drunk milkshake and thought about nothing. Like a meditation.
There’s funny thing to observe on my mum when she fares in textile-store and run from one shop to other breathing hard about full absence of time for sewing.
Finally we have tired but very enjoy. By the way it was made the order in my head.
Just I’ve finished a Raphael copy and feel something like emptiness and upset. Almost all day long I thought about my town as a impossible place for active culture life. Why do I think so angry about this town, about this people who reason so norrowly as they live in provincial. I hear so much preconception what is said with such a self-confident. Small towns as a bad school full of foolish dweebs who increment to earth and can’t move somewhere else.
I was at home all day.
I’ve just finished to trace my personal type on draft.
The swift day. I woke up, run, found my flash card and drew the big cartoon. Actually I didn’t work hard, all the time thinks distracked me and view dropped on window, wall or something else. But I’ve elaborated two faces and many hands. Midday I come to store for new stretcher. I wore a blues and was listening colourful music. Untill hot isn’t so ugly I catch moments of drops out of reallity. I tried to smile to think good and trample all sad inside. Maybe my composition for language culture has gone on plesant alive memories. They’ve started to occupy my mind and reap pieces of hope and joy.
Second part of day was for compose the personal type on a list. Again I couldn’t be in time for sketches.
On art history we glimse all previous themes for exam. That why today morning I was in ancient Greece and Rome.
During book graphic arts I managed to feel stupor when Britvin was erasing few faces in my cartoon. That kind of situation has been with me so long. I’ve accustomed to passive advice from teachers.
It’s hot outdoors.
To my pity there is no any study in college. I tried to be late morning but whatever came the first. A lesson we spent learning “Language culture” for exam. We’re laughing and talking – while Zenya is there it makes more culture. Then two drawing hours was till sitter had asked to go away earlier. On the break we were invited on the meeting with teacher from University in our town. He organized a department of academic painting with him as a singular teacher. What can I say? He looks like Soviet school teacher, who absolutely can’t to adopt world changes. I wouldn’t speak about him so much if he doesn’t tell us that all free places in Academy have done away with. And in our little town too. And Kazan branch of Moscow university has done away with too. I couldn’t listen his craimed view on painting.
We left the hall with sense of govement oppression again. Our profession doesn’t need to highwaymen. We histerical laughed and discussed ideas for ways in capitals. Zenya really does glad to enter medical university. Rabbish. Everybody thinks to skip next after graduate year. I don’t know.
I’ve taken my exam fluently and went home. I don’t know why I stopped in book store then went to market. But headache is here. It’s leaving me it’s leaving me. I must do the cartoon for book graphic arts.
I feel little tired by work on cartoon. It so difficult to assemble details in a picture and this vexes me. I feel people are just standing and just talking, waving hands and nothing more. Something most important eludes from me, some key what can discover sub-text. As soon as you swarm up work you reveal a bundle of defects. Not defects are urge for work but hopes and dreams what you put on it. I understood that if you want to make your work brilliant you must fell in love with it. That why your heart wouldn’t admit to leave work empty. Often real life bothers me to enter inside picture and inside myself.
I think as a real fatalist Nastya’s text was a divine sign for me.
I hadn’t any wish to come to computer graphic morning as I had been sure it would be foolish. 10 minutes to 9 I was draging a big 1.5 metres plane to second floor and waited a teacher then. Irina and me sitted together in the corridor till girls came too. Time was going fast and 9.30 we’re decided to arrive to shop for a gift. Today is birthday of our tutor, but we hadn’t done anything for her.
In Nastya’s car we listened her wonderful stereo-sistem and spoke loud. She had opened a sunroof when we arrived down the road and fresh air was blowing us till loud youth misic flew into ears. On a moment I felt like I’m not here, but where I prefer to be. A moment of sense of full life.
In the shop we bought a card soon and were going by shelves of perfumes. It’s one of my innocent pleasure to change a perfume.
A way backward a text was got me. Nastya wrote me about a dream she saw last night. Allegedly my final work were exhibited in “Russian museum” in StPt. In a moment my frozen state were broken and I exulted by it. Thanks her.
On the break we gathered in the study for congadulation our tutor and traditional eating a cake. It wasn’t different from other sitting the same reason. Boring loud talks – that’s all. We have photographed on a grass by college and went to our lesson.
On drawing lesson I felt grateful for that inspirite text, this delicious new Coldplay songs and senses I feel by these.
I had so tired after drawing and dragging plane back, but thought about everything. Anything I would do I can’t evade by painting.