So wet and soft rain outdoor. Woke up late I couldn’t come in college in time. There was two third course girl whom I was talking with a few minutes about review, Moscow and our diploma works. En route I was listening radio – it was church service with choir and prayers about Ukraine. Curiously.
Now I’m sitting by my picture in cozy clothes and outside the window wind and water are making their own dance. Very comfotably. It’s suspisious of sad like a tingle of glazing colour.
Strange slow day. I woke up with sounds of dropping rain – it means I cannot to go for studies. With no haste I came to the collage for composition. Frankly I really haven’t studies enought but Anohin was glad to see my work and growth. He’s not so critical. We’d changed motives for composition I’d done sketches for them and I went home. Moreover it’s my first full day in brackets (till one on top jaw) and I felt all the time like a metal distracks me. I ate only puree and jogurt but in the evening when mum and me bought a pizza I was feeling great tension – good buy rattling meal.
In spite of my business we came to theatre today. It was an operatta what was natural long and sentimental. Maybe only for modern time. We need something from quality capital theatres but not this.
My mother was so removed and not in mood to discuss an operatta or walk through the hall. Sometimes we how never before need to gather with friends and have you own life with no parents like friends.
So, each of five previous days I was in the village. I didn’t want to arrive there long time and had taken a desision at the last moment. Early morning I came to the college by Shevrole car throught empty central streets. But to my amazing nobody but me had came in time. Then I talked and we shipped bags. At this start I’d not been glad to be there and take part in the process. Many trees and slash houses with grey rotten fences. Sleeping I couldn’t behold a moment when we had arrived to the village and Ribkin shown a pond. It was a pressure of absolutely stranger world with strange attitude. To my howl we directed to the church where I really felt confused. Even thought – I have no reason why I should feel worse – hadn’t helped me. It was a tedious time I tryed not to speak cynical words and do what I don’t believe at all. That chuch was a real country church with no enlighted approach to faith. From my wicked hands I dropped candles twice as couldn’t be there and play a role. When we left I’d exhaled. But shock therapy hadn’t been finished. We went to little local museum. I know I need to take every possible enjoy by all happens with me. But there it was a horrible blackout of reality and just sad. I couldn’t find a place of mine. Everywhere it smelles like this republic – uncivilised, rough and so noisy. Other mates enjoyed the moment and took photos with dusty things. I was like in a terrible dream what I want to abandon. Then we’d went to the house. It was first one – old slash wood house and new – straight and white. There was a pretty library and chairs. But everything outdoors didn’t make me glad as it was with mates. Soon we were standing in front of country still life. Pressure and silence. I still didn’t want to paint especially under the hot sun. It was hard concentrate process. When it’d stopped we ate tasteless meal and went for new studies. Evening Masha, Sergey and me were talking about admission to different faculties. I became calm and merry. Twilight wasn’t an obstacle for painting and I with no wish standed beside of people. First night wasn’t quite as I couldn’t fell in sleep on the floor.
Shortly. Subsuquent days was so long and slow with cold sun and silence of trees. I was closed for all new like terrible meal and terrible closet, terrible houses and dirty clothes (it had became that way). I felt myself like a stranger in the different country. Phychology quiz. One morning I couldn’t sleep because of much people went for sunrise and went across the field to the pond. It was so quiet so empty (of course beautiful) and all the cities where I walked in the morning glimsed in my mind like warm near memories. I missed cities at all. Cars, houses, noise, people, architecture, roads, theatres etc. Life.
Lonelyness stayed with me almost all the time as I was allegedly out of people out of sub text. And that made me sad. I failed a phychology exam (save an optimism, be friendly) but later I understood that wherever I am it’s still me and no more. If I am in a village it doesn’t mean I’m countryman. We never lose what we have inside.
In the professional side thais experience was very useful. Each of us watched one another and took the best way. I was very amazed like our last painting teacher composes landscapes – fast, beatiful, clever.
Return to this town is pretty but not wonderful. I really enjoy cars around, shops, people and noise. In two days it’ll become a habit.
What am I doing? Why I’m arriving to this village of village this button of button? For plain air? Connection with our young students
This day has started with irritation about my oversleep. It’s so bad habit that I really need to eliminate one. But I didn’t haste and came twenty minutes to ten. All the time events of the Roman Empire glimpsed over my mind. Yesterday my mum and me watch documental films about Nero and Ceasar. I’ve understood that each wonderful, beautiful things in this world obtains with fierce straggle. Everybody who wants to build Great Rome inside one’s mind and life must know that there no any easy way to have it. All fabilous costs much.
Evening. I’ve just had a scumper across main street. Bright colourful light filled spaces of ground and walls of houses. Strange not daytime people strewn on streets. I was just thinking about my life and horrible thoughts what made me more sad some time before. For example an assumpstion, no only thought – what if this month is the last one for me? Will I really live this way if I know something like this? Running I thought I have no time to have doubts: Life is really limited action. And hiding under a blanket I can’t solve no ploblem and it’s not going away its own. I act just like shift them on other shelf. I can’t live this way with no distinct purpose, with no direction like in disire. It’s even so hard to hear nothing or do nothing till you arrive on bus. Shortly mend or end. Mend.
It just has been raining. I was running for trolley-bus with the furious wind and water drops on my glasses, I was running and singing a song on the radio, I was dancing en route and smiling on dark sky, vivid glimses of cars and wet windows. i listened fanny music and felt like I’m free from something I don’t know. It is able to be a result of my not wish to be in the college and rain what continues to my thought. It is so strange to be there and percieve these walls like totally not mine. Not mine canteen with their horrible meals, not mine shelves for canvas and people around.
Our talk with Masha and Nastya shown me that my abnormally apathy isn’t abnormally but really normally in that circle. We discussed our trip to village for plain air – that will be hard days of my life. Really I don’t feel I need it but it would be better if I’ll survive it then I won’t. This was pretty but no more.
It’s eleven o’clock but it’s already hard day. Yesterday I came back from a painting study doing what I danced and song but not finished my study. At home I watched Canadian series till night. I don’t want to paint. And I’m at a loss. I stayed under a shower trying to feel better. But breathing is the hard affair sometimes. I couldn’t sleep, but get up six o’clock and read a history book throght sleepy eyes. BBC radio en route to collage and legs what was so slow and unwilling. By the door I met Nastya, she said that our study has canceled for today (bad weather) and I upstaired to workshop to leave a canvas. As I’ve done it I just had found a chair and set. I have not energy. Irina asked me where am I going to paint. “What.. I don’t what wherever at all.” – it was sounded unwillingly. But I left collage and went to the river bant – I thought to paint dark water. But it was silver or grey – colourless at all. You look at the remote bank and feel like thousand stones push you down. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. I feel like I was restrained by all sides about four years and all of it haven’t helped me to be better to discover my talented my opportunities. I’ve tired by all of this. Like I’ve returned to the start and all I’ve done is erased. Even I don’t think about final big work. Bad.
I came to my favorite cafe where slow warm music just turn you off the life. I left feeling easier myself.
It’s so unusual to feel nothing painting the study. Previously I could go for plain air even in winter with no any weariness. But now I’m upset and chill on little canvas study. What’s new with all this Volga sights? What’s incredible on this wind and empty full of parked cars street? All these colours. I feel no passion. It is true. Maybe this is one of my usual plain air state as there wasn’t any year without loneliness. I’ve read my old notes of this times and haven’t found any difference with me now.
So fabilous weather! Still grey sky with rarety rain drops. I couldn’t go for studies early morning and do it only nine o’clock. What I need for feeling happy? Some of wet grass, boots, coat, scarf, my Tate Museum bag and so wondeful songs which I song along an empty road. Painting a study I wasn’t trying hard as didn’t believe in that motive. And as I chilled so fast. After second breakfast I went to book store where my parents and me bought books in my childhood. En route backward I felt myself so integrally like I really live my life in every moments. Like I am Myself with no doubts and weaks. LIke everything what happens is happens right way. I just began a new Roman Empire book, just do some photos, listen some music and paint some studies.
I love rain and all silence and comfort it gives me. But I need to feel the same with no rain else. I need to grow this sense of garmony inside.
fanny day. I was hurry for not delay to new nude stage. I came a quarter past nine but nobody hadn’t been there yet. About twenty minutes I tried to make me calm and learn words. Then we stayed our sitter ourselves as Anohin hadn’t came. It was intresting and hard work with big canvas. I let me go and smeared oil with no bound. After hours what had gone so fast we went to walk with Anohin for seeking places with composition. During this process I felt the same sense as on the first course – wish to do another way. Everybody wants to paint old wrecks I prefer new buildings. Really all this hackneyed ways are bore. I search my themes and offered these. We all chilled and went to college to take our bags.
I was inspired and maybe with some fever but at home I was waiting for rain (this clouds say me: stay at home) but it haven’t been raining. Outdoors with Vagner’s opera I was finding a place but finally chilled and to addition it started to rain. When you haven’t any studies yet it strains as this weather freezes a process. I don’t like to change my plans.