Ok. I’ve just done a huge aquisition. It’s a tennis racket what I have my own now. Strange sense of joy and usual day feeling. I’ve spent a lot of money and like an old man percieve a need of reasonable financial life. No timely enjoys more self-development costs.
At the morning I went to a yard by national library to paint a balcony. Of course I didn’t assume in advance. Untill I was painting among many kids played and cryed. It doesn’t matter what is yard that was shouts of parents always the same. “Do not do this way!” “Don’t go there!” “Stop running to and fro play in one place!” “Don’t broke your toy!”. And then they want to see their childs successful and happy. In their bound place of life. That space lets you think about this question more and I like a very snobbish parent want to have better life for my own kids. Like everyone my own childhood’s regrets may touch the next generation with huge requirements.
I painted a shined balcony when it hasn’t already been and then went to home. Here a sad film about Rembrandt. I’ve never known about his last official order – picture for city hall what he cut himself. I think it’s very sad and the same time logical that artist’s life at most depends on public tastes. So often this was that contemprories behold average works like great but didn’t do this with really great masterpieces. Contemprories a little blind. I can’t denounce them about this but finally it’s sadly. When you feel upset about many of depressive artists remember about Picasso and Renoir. Especially the last one. No each artist has depressive life with many of dramatic scenes.
Finally I more and more understand that I do not want to live life of bustle with usual problem how to take a sunction for overhaul. I want more colourful artistic life I have even now. And when I stood near by young mums I quessed about their day plans. Wake up, make a breakfast, take childrens to preschool, then clear up a little little flat, take childrens to home, make supper, go for a walk, talk with husband, read something fanny before sleep and everything this way later. Of course some girls like it and feel themselves in their own place. But for me it doesn’t enough vivid life. When I think about family future I like in another state of life then they are. Oh, I have talked too much about one question. Stop me please. Everything I wanted to say is I want to do childhood of my own kids more colourful and comfortable for development. And this is a reason why I so worried about money. This’s all.
Today was delicious strange day. At start I didn’t make my morning pages as had to work against my mum only two hour in the shop. Two hours are enough for not to get dizzy but be managed to print all your photo. Then at home some fierce thirsty absorbed me and when it had got over I felt very ashamed myself. And I desided to make a contract. If I behaive myself like an adequede man but do not eat like a very depressive person I will get new headphones instead of my cheap ones.
After midday I was drawing trees with ink on craft paper. After few hours upon drafts it was like a real dry desert extending inside. Nowadays I learn to sow flowers in this desert and afterwards reap a honey.
Being in the empty college (so cooling) there had met some fine kindly persons (I mean secretary and accountant) whom in the stir of days you just don’t notice at all.
Then a desire to find a tennis racket led to a store by store till I had got upset by futility of my trip. But I beheld that store world has so torn by reallity of elder generation. I mean when you’re in shop with all these lights and interiors you are like in present times with adequate commertial relationships but when you’re among train station street or in the bus it’s like past times what nobody can’t return. But this is here and I do not think it is normal. Gap is too big.
I was very glad to visit a new shop in our house. There are so much cheap little things like shavers and elastic bands. It makes me pleased because of they don’t try to look like very expencive (so often) and are natural.
Oh eventually I changed my hair cut. Are you asking me how could I dare after a lot of years with no any movement? Of course I noticed that inspite of situation’s not grandness I felt like a stone but stone what was making softer and softer and then decided to do such a pretty deal more often. Like every thing in this world this one was very less scare when has happened. This’s trifle I know but there’s always a hard work on myself to step out your own line of prejustice or fear. Even if my hair cut doesn’t liked to my mum it doesn’t matter I feel good.
There’re such a sunny streets that I cannot to see anything except light. I’m going to make scottish eggs on the dinner and watch two BBC films else. What will be new they talk about Van-Gogh?
I did usual simple deals at the morning. Ordinary men go to store very often. They buy bread and butten, milk and something else. But I would there so seldom that have no idea what the difference between A and B. Of course I left off to look at prices. But I was going to say about my senses. When I do little domestic deals I feel myself like a citizen but no visitor of this country. I’ve taken this issue because of absent grandmum who are in hospital now.
Yesterday I watched a few “Power of art” films. I didn’t think to keen on it before night but getting finish on some studies I left in the drawing room long time.
Nastya portrait’s almost done.
Till I have no internet and have no water at my home I’ll do a note.
Today I’ve got up later than usual my mum said because of low pressure’s level. And naturally it was dimly outdoors. The yard was so silent that one was able to be heard only birds’ chirrup. I was eating my usual meal and then writing pages. To addition I’ve finished my old notebook what I had been used since the graduate’s exams summer. There’re some notes about my anxieties those time like nervous doubts and fears about these exams. I wasn’t as calm as now and this looks particularly interesting like an age of knowing me.
Later I went to shop for some new things. There was goods delivery and accordingly crowds of women. I took a lot of dresses for trying but finally stopped on a dark blue sweater, leather melt and a bag with strangely lock. That was the first time I felt full satisfaction with wasting money. But only I had gone to the next trade centre a niggard inside me woke up and made me got by bus to home. But I noticed that at the each place where people were to crawling in was madness in every eye. There was life even if it’s only trade life in trade centre but it was life and stir.
Sitting on ground among trees and cars I thought how remoted we are. All of our friendship. We discuss some questions laugh on some jokes but actually when I tried to ask her to go to Moscow together it has become obviously. Maybe she didn’t mean it but I’d read that all thing outward of her real life is mine (Cheboksary walks, talks, posing for portraits) but when I do slighty tentation to penetrate inward I meet a wall. Every people so remoted from each other. What is a friendship? It felt like a real distance between us. Maybe I want too much myself from relationship and this is normal. But presicely it has changed with years and some kind of warm I can’t never return.
After work I were standing by a tree and sun shining from leaves and silence was there and it seems like a real air of this town. So real with grass on ground with cars, building site, empty library with this space in my life. Of course there isn’t any suspicion of my delusions and dreams. There is only what there is. And I were standing by a tree with my friend alone. I was painting concentarate and was going home with sense of open door alone. We can discuss visa and passports but she makes her plans without me. This’s idle talk.
Feeling boring I’m like a wall of abandoned house don’t able to escape from this frozen life. Today I tried to find some dresses for me but left store with sense of disappointment. There wasn’t anything good only cheap stuff so resemble one another. Year by year I suffer with summer time. Our family never could entertain itself and I feel how it has reflected on me. It’s the rest time but with some reason I just kill my time on silly things. So tiresome to do usual deals like words learning and Saturday’s lessons. Still a power of self pressure makes me restraint in art.
Recently I write so little that it makes me ashamed. I do my “morning pages” and sometimes its enough for me.
I just have gone frome fifth tennis lesson. An hour before start I thought to stay at home, watch one more series of AbbeyD and do not set me at advance. Last lesson I finished with muddy sense of loneliness. Today there was another teacher who replaced our one. As always it was full of little scuples and awkward motions. Like I’m a little girl in school gym where it absolutely obvious that I’m none in sport. But there as always now I said myself words of inspiration and forced me more marry than I was. New feeding – how fanny, relay – o please, may we leave without? Actually my own efforts to smile and speak with normal voice took me more than all I can recieve at home. And yes I think this boy is pretty but no more I don’t feel anything but amiability. And going back to home I song a song till purple sky gradually turning into night. I like summer evening and nobody can’t bother me to feel it.
This day is more pretty and enjoyful than previous ones. I woke up as always and made my usual “morning pages”. This way of self-outpouring does really help me to feel myself. I was free when was crossing the roads on sunny freezy street. Such weather remains me about Scotland. But in two hour on work I busy as always and aas always had a buzz in my head. Nerviously I was late when came home at three and hurried to have a dinner and pack my tools. Nastya had been there when I went. As I started to paint it becomes more windy. Trying to make details and some landscape pieces both of us had chilled. We had been spending only one and half of hour. When I had been going to post-office I felt the same sense like I’m in other world with plane roads and sunny walls of houses. With empty silently evening streets with some dogs and blowing trees.
All day on work. Very liveless and sad. I was so distroyed yesterday that this morning I still felt like tears want to appear. So hard to move and do something. I was reading a book and printing some photo-orders. But actually there was no people for serve. At the start I quarrelled with an old man who tried to investigate our relationship. I passed myself together and said him all he wanted to hear “classical rabbish for buyers” – “you are absolutely right. Absolutely.” Dinner time I spent with a juice box. Finally after the most long ten minutes in my life I went to the street for a walk and met a girl whom I’d recognized not at once. She was standing in a door of DVD store and looked somewhere far. I approached to her and she with surprise recognized me too. But it’s impossible she said. That girl was my class mate in the first school. Sha has all (as I presume) for really good future. Rich mother – very success woman and father resides in Paris – she learned French, some time she studied in the best school of our Republic. But when her mother immediately died everything had collapsed. She returned to my first school and didn’t study at all. Her sertificate is a piece of paper but no more. At once work of a dream were found and she became a seller. So sad. But there’s a question of character’s strength. Plies of suicide and pessimism made her more sociopath. In seven years (I only presume) she tasted all alсohol, smokes, drugs and something else I think. But now there sad but stern voice shown me her like a resigned with her not fanny life.
I walked through street in sun beams and vivid shadows. Air. After four years in my college I understood so much thing artist must and not must to do. Last month shown me what mistakes I have done and not must to repeat them again.