“All my rage leaves in sea and sun”

My nerves are really weak. Just yesterday I was so enjoyful, creating two studies with no time and with so much pleasure. But today I’ve flown off the handle of days. Xerox didn’t work, children took me in a round till I’s painting. The book I read says me: Artists need a place and time only for them but nobody else. This is that. I’m in rage. I hate children, hate green colour, high prices, visa regime, my clothes and boots, my hair cut, this flat, my life. I’m repeating just yesterday I loved all of this and even more. But sometimes you feel weariness being the same in the same place (even having presicely knownledge of timely of this), meeting so local I mean narrow-mind people. Sometimes I need a break. My nerves I really weak and I must to take it.


On the job

This is the first working day in the mum’s shop. Like everytimes before nothing’s changed there. The same sellers and people, the same stool and laptop. I was so confused, weak and slow at the start that new Xerox options were understood not at once. Sitting there with phone I’d really percieved that this cannot give me more than before and maybe I really don’t need this kind of expierence. Also I better work with a little number of people whom I know than a mob of strangers. Of course ability is in both forms.
Printing photo of mine and other, reading book about advancing creative life, copying many of passports and certificates is’s gone five hours of my work. Then like were promised Mum came to relieve me. For the first day she bought me a part of cake in my favourite cafe.
Tomorrow it’ll be a start of new Nastya portarait. And I have began “morning pages” to awake an artist inside of me.

Unexpected meeting

Just a delicious day. Late I left home to paint studies. Recently I see many different motives of colour and form not so far but only in my district. And today I’d changed a place in front of my first school. Sunny grass and sunny switchboard. Till I was working a girl came to me and started to talk. I wasn’t angry or confused with her but continue to do two deals the same time. She turned to be friendly talkative girl who studied in my second school. In spite of her love to her school she immediately understood that I directly descent to usual school after gimnasium. Then I found out that she knows a few people in my college. We discussed this question and I asked her about life and future profession of psychologist. It was fanny and pretty to discover a man in the street and talk with her about an hour. Finally I lingered to finish my work what I was doing much time and have recieved good new study what I don’t ashame to show. In addition I took an inspiration and brathe of life out of my inner.

It’s an ordinary summer day. I woke up with alarm clock but ruturn to bed hadn’t found a deal in the morning. Later the first I’ve done – called to employer to take a job, but it was failed. Only after twenty one. You won’t believe but I did upset by it. By that little rubbish. My mum is waiting for me to go to work and I’m confused with my not success in it and just bad obstinacy. I’m so stupid with it. I don’t want to work hard and boring but want to earn money and then do things I want. Everyone know that summer work is vain stupid and not so fanny as it would be wished by me. And I evidently scare about that other unknown world. Last time I scare about so much things but make a step is so hard.
Basically it happens like some old world in me has disastered. I cross through steaming remains of wonderful but not stern buildings with no liklihood to prevent it back. Then it begins morning and new cleaning machines throw ashes away. This kind of events doesn’t sense in usual days. Everything is OK. Friends enters to Universities in the Capital, I feel no marry with Nastya, I failed both last exhibitions and feel that it like a gong sounds across inner.
Inspite of this I believe in new life (what so resemble on old) and percieve perspectives.
Today is a tennis lesson!

Summer purposes

Portraits of Nastya, Olya, Sasha.
More than 20 studies and sketches
Sketches for diploma work
Earn n thousands
Get read Tale of two cities, Ancient Rome
Get at English
Study to wake up at six

Study to play tennis and chess
Ride on bicycle
Watch film (by list)
Print photos
Get sold works
Trip to Kazan
Clean up the wardrobe.

Days after.

I’ve just finished “David Copperfield” film – such a pretty nice thing with good actors.
But I basically wanted to say about life after exhibition. Yesterday I walked with Nastya across main street. It was something like past times but needs to change in events side. Also I really quarreled with my mum. She was so remoted and ignoring yestreday evening that I hadn’t been sustained and started to talk about us. It’s so problem to have a golden mean in any relationship. What obligations we have each other? I’m like daughter must to listen all your anxiety and needs, help in your deals and everyday life. Or she’s mother who must to help me to find myself in this world and fellow me to adult’s life. She offended on me about I didn’t want to work in her shop. I know this way of job and I don’t want more. But I have obligations to help her and as she has dufficulties with dismissal of her seller and there no any spare seller on thes place. I don’t know. We talked, I said that I don’t feel myself like an adult piece of our home, sometimes she doesn’t interested in my opinion. For example this funeral dinner we needed to make. LIke I’m not here and it’s not my deal at all she desided everything without me and today has asked me “Have I any resentment on her about it?” Yes I have, but go and walk with these people whom I can’t to make a company.
I was worried about this and job question all morning and yesterday. Even after Diploma day in the University (such kind of awful) my eye was twitching itself. I felt like this times after study more intense and busy than my lazy plain air. But I’m still finding a job for a month and have a list of deal before september.

Exhibition. Evening

Such an extraordinary day. At first I woke up much earlier for get ready to exhibition. It was so sunny and stuffy with this new “summer” weather. I’d done my work soon and was sitting taking photo all works in the college. There’s strange sense when you see a work what you want to buy and exhibit in your own gallery but you can’t, really can’t as you have no power to come idea true. I was awkward as deeply down I felt some kind of conscience’s voice which said me real true about my own works. But outward signs of me were merry and positive. After days inside home and my own world I’d quite forgotten about college moods, about these people and talks. Some kind of shadow side. Time were going on and nothing had changed. We ‘d gone to store for drinks. Sitting with tutor wasn’t the same boring as always, somebody something said and somebody something laughted. We had good time wth her. She so worried about out exhibition and lamented on delay. Frankly it was decklared to start at ten but really was at half to two. So I didn’t want say something like this. Being strained I wasn’t worry just under pressure. Finally I get really bad scores on my works. Even composition what I did with love has no more than 4-. Stupor and closeness had given me and I just listened a final teacher speech trying not to show any sign of my sad. But I had been. And I decided to mend my scores in autumn. Naturally it has a logic issue. You have no passion, have no work – take your bad finish.
At home I just sit and watched old movie. But we planned two meetings the same time and I came to the college then with so fierce and suffer senses arrived to the workshop. Trying to be friendly and keeping talks I made more merry at all. Mary and me left then early and came to the cafe for meeting with girls.
There was such an ease atmosphere where I felt myself like a fish in a water. We were laughing and talking about almost nothing. Then it was photo session on the evening background. Coming with no dress I get a feel of usual day and usual deal. I tried to be happy and it almost was managed by me. We embrased and said pleased words at final.
At home I led on the chair and beared tears form myself.
To addition mum has offended on me about my not wish to work in our shop. I just want to sleep and wake up in new life.