Begin to be autumnal

Ok. I came up with idea to put purposes on future ninety days, before first december.

It will be:

  • Everyday sketches
  • everyday engish writing (twitter is on)
  • morning pages
  • trainings (tennis, running)
  • self-eat control
  • saturday’s rest as films, books, cafe, photographic, writing.

It is clear that life in study will be very pressing and busy, but I would like to keep my enjoyment of life and faith in future, this day and myself. Autumn landscape is able to make me sad and vague but I should stay knowing about a ball and a game. Inspite of all in five years it won’t have so massive mean like it seems in lonely trolley bus or nighty study. It doesn’t matter if everybody has frown face, I know that above the clouds there is always sun. It’s my last jump in this space and then it will be another. I must be like flying butterfly what soars above the earth easy and merry, but soaring is a flight, a movement forward. No worries, no henses, no stupid questions. Nothing in the grey dimly workshop will be able to distrack me, no face and no another’s whine. It’s already the end of the book and I see the opened door to the next page, next canvas. 



So, it’s the last saturday of summer and I may summing up. 

Summer purposes:

Portraits of Nastya, Olya, Sasha. – Only Nastya’s, other girl denialed
More than 20 studies and sketches – yes
Sketches for diploma work – some kind of

Earn n thousands – not so much as I wanted, but I did it and understood that I need to be able to earn with my own profession.

Get read Tale of two cities, Ancient Rome – Only Tale, Ancient Rome I begun to read and then watched BBC films.
Penfriends – yes. some kind of
Get at English – I don’t know, maybe, I feel yes.
Study to wake up at six – NO. I tryed to wake up at six, then six and half, seven and seven with half, but now I’ve given it up.

Study to play tennis and chess – not chess (really why?), but tennis on some beginers level
Ride on bicycle – yes, it was fantastic
Watch film (by list) – yes,
Print photos – yes
Get sold works – no, just one ordered landscape. 
Trip to Kazan – no
Clean up the wardrobe. – yes and not one wardrobe has cleaned up by me.


Inspite of the list I can come to think about my own self-development. I’d got the plain air exhibition like a shout what broken something inside. And I was like a rag with no wishes and passions to life. That had been. Then when I worked and read books, watched pretty films what caressed me and I forgot to say I ate very very much. And of course I quessed that it’s something wrong with me. But I did more and more day by day and cover had began to crack from inner. Every door of changes opens only from inner. There was evenings with sunsets till I went home on foot from tennis. Maybe it was tennis what made me happier and took a notion about life like a game. In fact I was very weak on first two or three lessons but then I became to understand and the first thing I understood is whenever the ball is you can play before the end of end. And the joke of life is the same – we must to continue even when it seems to be the end. The game continues. It doesn’t matter how old I am or how rich or poor, or maybe what growth I have and how much books I’ve already read or studies painted. Its don’t matter. Ok sometimes before you did something with anything good, but it’s zero if you don’t do anything now. We are what we do now.  And maybe my fantasies about my alter-ego has helped me to understand a thing that nothing bothers me to behave myself like I want to do. (Mum’s already twice jeered on me about this). And a conscious dream where it’s so boring till I realized myself there. The same is in life it’s very boring and grey till we would turn on ourselves. I may to add the film “About time” – good illustration on this thought. 583925

And of course creativity. I’ve not felt so much deserve to make long time. I’ve got read a book about it and I presume to not read it anymore, maybe in the same scruple moment. 

This summer inspite of all omissions was the great.

It’s already five o’clock and I didn’t do anything yet. In one side I want to rest before “The storm” in other I know that only movement can stand me on foot. Everytime I need to imagine new “entertaints” for myself – I mean of course new types of drawing or photo, or other deals. Yesterday I waste two hours on horrible (on emotional level) fil – “Mulholland Drive” by Lynch and then at night I couldn’t asleep and heard different sounds I’ve never heard at night before and felt afraid. Even yesterday I calmed my nerves with french film. Today I was sorting out remained shelves with “Midnight in Paris” and then “To Rome with love”. That time I’ve sewed a case for brushes – I sew very bad as I didn’t do it long time. Again and again I must to presuade myself to live and create and do not transform into a cinephile. I’ve already taken a decision that I would work on diploma before the end of the end. I very determined. And I finished with my plain air too fast, I mean making photo and folding stack at a nook. Finally there’s nothing bad in my rest except emmobility. If I am able I would go on tennis more then twice a week. 

Town’s space

The first time after plain air exhibition I went to the collage for formal reason. And there was a stir I don’t know about. Only thought I have am I really going to be here the whole year? Like another country like growing out of old clothes. It’s my own notion and no more, I need to be easier and just think about what I want to do, to feel, to paint etc. And there I understood more downright that it’s remained not so much time before the storm. And I affraid very much. Just a sight of Britvin in the study made me deserve to go away. I exaggerate as always. That’s not my world anymore, that was in the first two years maybe, but not now. I often imagine myself returned from big cities like a real good artist to this walls for meeting with students. And I would tell about foolishness of this sistem and my own creativity. Ha ha. In fact I really angry with this town, education sistem, pseudo-creators and basic mantality about art. And I must to leave this anger away.

When I went backward I felt again the sense like I separate from myself on ten santimeters and behold. The college is the same type of reality as streets and old fat women with ponderous bags. Everything is penetrated with itself. And what about me? Sometimes it’s just so tiresome to get by the same streets. 

Til I painted a study in the yard of the new house it went a man to ask for me to make some job in building space, then the second man wanted to get a picture with his house. I felt as gladness as weariness. I saw much business persons there and to my regret I notice that my mum doesn’t look like this success beauty and very clever woman. 

I begin to read the second book about creativity – very useful I say. 

I can’t read having not made a note. The habit I presume. It was very positive tennis lesson today – trainings are really improve my skills. With hard heart I drawn a draft with some trees. I think my inner abilities like waves of sea: advance and incline.

I’m very pity about absence of the note because of having things to tell about. I can’t leave today’s empty. After many hard temtations to make a real good linocut I’ve done one not very good but the best I have. Also I had a conversation with arabic man and that was our pretty but the last conversation. To the end of the day I was really tired and just sitted on kitchen trying to listen mum. I want to sack down.

Fears, triumphs and film.

It was very specific day. At the start I overcame a fear about bicicle. So long it tormented me like a deal I couldn’t do. But today directly on the morning I went to mum’s office to take it. And that was very surprise for me to find out that I really can do it and this is not hard as it seemed before. Of course some moments was very dangerous and tremendous – I was losing control in the little places or in front of bourder but also I was triumphing when riding across empty road filled with sun and colourful shadows (remind me my Italy). I had gone to the Mall and directed backward. Finally I’d arrived on the slope with some fear and using brake (divine invention!!)

After that delicious trip I went to the villa for having painter’s work done. I don’t know why my control was lost and some evil phrases was spoke by me. When she tries to give strict army orders I will fly off my handle and become a worst version of myself (Honestly that moments I feel myself like a child on her kitchen with no way to escape or chance for my own opinion). On the whole I had everything done and was very glad to listen a philosophy lecture again. It’s interesting she reckons me child and I do it too about her. And how silly it would she thinks I’m going to continue this peasants’ deal in this villa. 

At home there was such a blessed silence and peacefulness. Despite I was very tired I watched a film and cut my linocut a little. The film was “About time”. This is very warm and friendly film about simple unordinary boy who can moving back in time. Very atmospheric.

Tennis today was very hard and useful the same time. I have already done some goals with new type of throw. And I understood again that it’s very important to be concentrated. That was my little triumph again today. With girls we talk very pretty and fanny in cloakroom. 

At home there is the same boring affairs about yearns and where should we put its. I plan my days again but again and again feel like time slides through fingers and I do not have time enough.

 I didn’t think yesterday that today I am dying a wall in the villa. Arriving there I begin to listen the podcast about philosophy. This is so warm to touch on some lectures I can’t take here. About four hours was spent by me for that silly deal. But I’ve not done it at all. During the process I felt myself more and more boring. Finally when I’d worn very fast and was going to leave it happened little talk on theme “Townsmen and peasmants. Difference of views”. Somebody just buys potatos in a market somebody spents the whole summer and autumn for growing its. In the bus I thought that absolutely free by her feeble hopeless desire to change me and all the world around . I am not from her tree. At home weariness stayed with me. 

When evening came I went to paint a study. By little more then half an hour state had gone and I had made a promtly study very enthusiastic. 

just a day

Time’s gone so quick. It was just ten o’clock and I was writing a note and looking through the window. My grandmum was went to hospital for operate on eyes. She’s so moaning. But when the flat became quiet I did a sketch for linocut – long but contemplative process. Then had dinner and turn yesterday film on. During the watch I was sanding linoleum. I expected it spent about an hour or less but finally I’ve done it with the end of the film in three hours. then my mum ruturn from hospital and we had supper with pieces of cake. This is so fast and boring as I was in one place and did one deal. 

Bergman turned out real intresting director. Despite of my list it is wanted by me to watch for his films. 

It seems to me than I have less and less time on tennis lesson. Just I have catched me blinking it went fourty-five minutes and remained fifty minutes only for pleasure. Luminictentic lights afar and I immediately was declaiming a poem. Such an evening for pulling sense of loneliness and positive radio station for cover all senses. But inspite this after tennis I am like a confident with real life girl. Unknowingly I worn a striped sweater and a scarf allegadly from film “Paris” I’ve watched this midday. What I able to say? I feel a little boring when come home. But I was happy to watch a film and make new cartoons.