It’s raining now with little little drops what cover the pavement with such a deep grey colour. I’ve got my dentist’s visit at morning. No late today. After that joyful process (resemble on massage) I went to the grey street of that neibourhood’s town and set on a branch in the public garden. My morning pages. Leaves were walking above roads and people were going somewhere. Girls may tell me a lot about hard life and rude drivers on roads but I would still behold in leaves and rains, in pavements and staircases – my own beautiful pretty world. This has to be.
Painting has going good as F told us some new things. But actully it was usual to see him working with laptop in the corner of the room.
I haven’t something to say as it is totally rain day when I feel myself wet and fresh. Going to do some sketches and 3d Max task.
The day of sun in the morning till I run across another street and the grey clouds at midday. We had watched a film about Breigel. I absorbed every picture and every motions. Very profound and slowly. That time I was merry and talked with new girl in the canteen. A little wet roads made me happier. On drawing there was some kinda dissappointment in the day. Girls were talking with freind by phone and I couldn’t find a chair for myself. After two basically senseless lessons it was almost an hour of sitting by a new heater. We had some strange type of conversations when everybody says some silly stories. Of course I took part and laughed about Kate who allegadly hates men but really needs them much. Frankly I wasted my time. Nastya persuaded me that the world is a terrible place where live is a perilous thing. But I swallowly tried to persuade her in opposite. I do not like that type of swallow conversation like I speak with a wall.
Very fast I get arrived to tennis where everybody had already been ready. Training’d got finish veru soon and I took my fifth place in the little competition.
I don’t want to talk, just keep silence. Please shut up I ask. Picnic I had organized was fanny and friendly. But I missed tennis and feel some emptyness about it. Ok, I’ve done also a point from my list. But what a reason I sense this evening so. Give me more space, more silence (I mean not when I only keep it). It’s easy I hate when something changes my plans. Frankly I really mix with them rather because of absence people around. They’re convinient. So selfishly. I want to do something I want. Picnic was this way but it makes tired to talk with people.
I worn a dress with violet tights and scarf. Again wonderful sun and placid music I like. As I entered the workshop it had started. Stir with canvas, talks with teacher. He organizened some view of works and took us advices. I’ve understood right now that all that time I couldn’t enter that world be a part of one. Of course I talked with the teacher enjoying attendence of questions. Our sitter is a pretty girl who speak intellegently. But actually that two lessons wasn’t study at all. the teacher remarked me much and I felt I couldn’t relax and abstract myself from life around. Ksenia had her canvas made bad and it slitted with pieces.
On the break I downstaired to wash hand and met a first course girl I know. She called me to greet her classmate whom we were in a camp with long time ago. She was taller than me and sweety. There was pulling memories talk – I have no memory from that time. I was too old and ponderous with all my philosophical view on life in front of them.
In the study soap was eaten by me with so appetite and joyfull. And the tirade had started. Director talked us much contradictory things (he’s clever on his own space) as war (everybody stop talking about it!) and school life morality. A little he was managed to abuse many people as Jewishes, Indians, Africans, Americans, men and women. He qoutes holy bible and says a lot about readiness for war. I sitted replacing to and fro my pens and trying to make his words go through my mind without touch. If I don’t enter the college I would never know about accidents in the town, political passions of people, I wouldn’t know how world is bad, how life is hard. Rubbish. Like a simple girl I glad to be in fanny dress and beauty scarf, I glad to see the sky and orange leaves led on pavement. I am so glad to listen new graceful music. My view is in future what stained with vivid light colours, in present what studies me something. That stern reality he tryed to take me isn’t my own reality. And it’s some problem as I totally feel myself outsider. When Mary said that Picasso paintings are daub even Gernica, I was confused in shock. So narrow. When I open my mouse to say the opinion I am so angry with the whole world and set people at against me. I mean Mary. I feel (oh so ordinary!) people doesn’t understand things I say. And I afraid the moment I would really enter this world and don’t be able to see all picture at once.
So this day was specifical as every my day. Tomorrow we are going to a picnic.
I wanna say a lot of things.
Today I woke up offended on myself with late getting up. But it doesn’t my habit to haste in the morning. Yesterday I downoladed some new music what was so placid and graseful when I went to the college. On the morning I once again felt that I do not want to go the college, I have no sensation’s reason. Only a thought make me turned back of college.
And after so sunny divine morning with music http://tinysong.com/IQiJ and my self-conviction in happiness of having my own books, my own eyes to see sunny pavement and vivid trees. It was better when I came, girls was making the stage, the sitter had came and everything would be OK. But during the process we appreheded our teacher character again. I don’t want to blame him and to be angry with him. But actually I do. He says in a tone of theme “our old times students worked all day long and had so much tasks for execute”. And then condemnation of present days, system, people, teachers, students. Everybodies are fool etc. About painting he said that there no reason to teach persons who are in low level (he meant not ability to study I hope). Listening that tirade I couldn’t paint and everything I was doing wasn’t comprehended. I beheld a man who are hurted by world, doesn’t want to do something himself for improving, who shows off just for throwing dust in the eyes. As a teacher he even doesn’t want to deign for teaching for taking some natural obligations. I can’t respect him. Also I thought that his emerge on the last course is the test how much I has changed, has I really tought lessons of past or not? And when he had did a rude stroke on my canvas I improved it then. He is too brazen.
I was angry on the break but really tryed to be frindlier. Then music-drawing session with my little dances. It seems to me the worst way of study. I hate it all. There was no any reason to come day by day. No reason. There was no sense.
But I have a few one. And I must keep it inspite of hard it or no.
I can’t break me away from Mahogany music on youtube. So scatter I would be at home. Really my days in the college are so resemble on first course days when I listened music all the time and didn’t take part in conversations what always repeats day by day. There’re grey colours still exceed. I photo them and sketch them but don’t mix with.
On the morning lesson of “Rights” had replaced to foreign policy discussion. So pretty to see people who soaked with pessimism and absence of any believe in their own power in their own lives. Pretty and pressing. It was stress on computer graphic to do nothing in front of my conscience. Having little talks with new girl that had ended.
On drawing stir was so irritating. Again I felt dizzy in that walls. Like the first course when I was tired with four lessons and just went home. Frankly it is hard for me to stay happy inspiring among so passive people. And I need some high connection, I mean even interviews with swell people. Today it inspired me late night show with Marya Sharapova. Persons whom I watch every day doesn’t full my need of connections.
And there was some concert of vocal music. That was so din that I couldn’t wait more then thirsty minutes and had gone. I thought so much till they sung about me and sircumstances of that low level of culture. On the whole there is so much difference between this young people and singers who sing songs students don’t know at all. But to addition we listen its on so hideous level of serve.
So I went outdoors where sun shone and water twinkles. In the bank so please to get good information and then buy something and go on yellow leaves.
(I write so bad as this world really climbes into my mind)
Some days I sit here and try to type something about my day, but minutes are going and nothing has written. There are such a wonderful, really delicious placid days now. So soft colours of water, so warm air of fresh. Everything what shine with gold and silver whispers “go to walk…”. And I’m so much want to just walk and talk with pleasant person about any intresting point. Sit on river bank with a package from a cafe. I was watching on two girls who did it when I painted a study. I couldn’t concentrate and everytime looked on people going to and fro by tranquill bank. I listened talks and watched on clothes. Of course it was understood that I need some relieve. But why I am so pressed. Under what? On the morning it was run and sun. I painted a study of sky. The problem included in my not indifference to that classmates. I feel sulk when sit alone with my phone or answer their question deadlock’s way. It doesn’t need to talk, to answer it doesn’t mean anything at all. Meanwhile they would think what they want. Today when our tutor gathered us to discuss attendance, I standed by her and just watched on that frowny girls. So childsh. Picture of kids who believe they are adult. Allegadly nobody escapes from obligations. I see not only them like children but majority of teachers too. Like a dagger has cut me from reality and I behold it separately. La la la. I tired from this world a little. It’s so value to have my own so real but not material world. Alpine mountain, sun of paris, Italian bread, english books.
Ok, it’s internet again and I can write so much as I want.
Today was pretty day. I woke up after my ten minutes sleep in an hour and was irritated with me. Heart was beating hard and I long time spent to get calm. Music en route made me smile and when I came to still grey room it was so unpleasant. Last time I feel a little anxiety before composition lesson. It means I afraid a little. But today it was a lecture about of course only russian history composition. Br.’s reflections was very profound and interfere in many points with my own. But I think also about a question: “Is it really need now to make historical works?”. In that moment when he is telling us about art value in certain pictures I just cover my reflections “Why does this all academic world?” with blanket and listen. Mary had tryed to ask our historic teacher to tell more about russian art again. Again and again. Of course I said NO, when she asked us: Is that really what we must to study? Sometimes I feel surrounding with children or worshipper of little little world. I live my life. You live your one. Finally we spent much times watching failed diploma works of university. Then it was shown dim film about Breigel’s picture “Mill and cross”. I saw cruelty of men and ordinary lives of dutch people. So reticent and dark.
On drawing lesson was it so boring among them. Stop moaning! Recently I didn’t know whom I can incline to and just draw instead of mixing with them. I don’t need them at all. I came to conclusion that everything what happens now is kind of hardening of my own nature to keep alive anywhere with anybody.
Helga has written to me a new letter – so kind of her. She’s naturally graceful girl and I ask her everytime with much part of joy.
So, there’s no internet. This day was so rattle as rattle talks of girls. But I had good conversation with Nastya from other group and some beautiful quite moments till painting at evening.
At the start our sitter had chilled and we were doing little things. At dinner break I’d the first time was in the canteen – acquainted with first course girl.
At the drawing there’s such a indifference from girls’ side. They watched old videos from our own initiation party. I drew them and listened these sounds of first course. Almost nothing has changed, I still think that that video is dull thing and we are still remote, despite compromise placid relations.
I was very worn out with the world of silly talks and grey tinges.
The way home give me some calm. Sights of lights and dark sky.
So this day influenced on me with all this movement of places and people. We went to Mary’s posad for plain air. Morning there was some mist and pairs with breathe on sunny background. On the destination we were send to the local museum. All that time I restrained myself from comments about poverty. I saw it everywhere in destroyed houses and cheap stuff. But the main street was pretty with old houses one by one. It was this republic in smell and speeches, in faces and talks of pupils (on exhibition opening). I smelt it immediately in the local museum and a wall stood inside me. How often do I need to repeat this question of senses? I really don’t feel myself like this republic’s girl. No. I’d recieved so much signs about real me that I have no doubts. Even in talks about pictures I was so remote. Plus for me in my introduction with Rybkin and some facts I listened from academy’s student in the bus. Than more he said than more I understood how far the world of academy from me. What? Something more than just cigarettes for relax on painting faculty? Damn. There was my public loneliness when you are yourself in front of people who don’t care about you. I need to go away from this world. I don’t feel my grandparents were peasants, really don’t. Like my only kin was father who isn’t now.
Little tired and sick.