A part of me doesn’t want to write anything at all. But another one requiare to do it. So I woke up late as my mum turned off the alarm clock and in the morning I felt myself like a rag without run and like a space of chaotic thought without writing pages. Mum gifted a bouguet of roses (mmm.. I like violet flowers). It was very generously from her to spent so much many on flowers. But I had breakfast with french maffins I made yesterday and went to college. At the begining it was grey and little depressed, I percieved that do not want to go to college. Just a thought makes me terrible. But I was riding with a cake and a dinner with my music by trolleybus.
I understood that I had bad mood for this great day and begun to imagine my perfect birthday in perfect life. Good big company who knows each other a lot of years and celebrates the holiday maybe in the french cafe talking and laughing before the night when I would go with my man home walking along a bank. City lights and wet roads I like.
Of course when I came it hadn’t happened something resemble. Grey light allegadly was glueed to this place forever. We were getting ready for painting. Of course I coudn’t paint with full force – texts was recieved from time to time. So pleasant. I saw girls whispering behind my back and smiled. On the break when I had cut the cake they gifted me some money (they haven’t time for something better) and spoke traditional speech I can’t recall.
Frankly I was sitting in that grey room with a cuppa and listened talks girls had – terribly not my world. this year of study is redundant at all. To my regret, I really, with no delusions, feel, that there isn’t any diference in answer, are we there or not. Everything seems so senseless and stupid there. Only there. Our time table is an example of not proficient childsh work. And when we were sitting that way of complaining, idea came to me. The film about our disappearence one day. No documents, no bills, no teacher who remembers. Than more I thought than more I wanted to make it. Some mixture of dreams and absurdity soaked with sadness and thoughtfulness. The whole film runned across my mind. I had a little discussion with girls and of course who doesn’t know what people like to watch on the initiation in october. Something fanny with jokes above jokes with patriotical sub-text. No art, no truth. It will be tomorrow an opening of the anniversary exhibition. Speeches and speeches. I do ask myself how could I choice this college five years ago – it is by nature so far from me.
Mum and me bought the tickets on a concert of Vienna’s orchestra in the end of october. My friend very very good people who appriciate me I think.