mon 22

Ok, it’s internet again and I can write so much as I want.

Today was pretty day. I woke up after my ten minutes sleep in an hour and was irritated with me. Heart was beating hard and I long time spent to get calm. Music en route made me smile and when I came to still grey room it was so unpleasant. Last time I feel a little anxiety before composition lesson. It means I afraid a little. But today it was a lecture about of course only russian history composition. Br.’s reflections was very profound and interfere in many points with my own. But I think also about a question: “Is it really need now to make historical works?”. In that moment when he is telling us about art value in certain pictures I just cover my reflections “Why does this all academic world?” with blanket and listen. Mary had tryed to ask our historic teacher to tell more about russian art again. Again and again. Of course I said NO, when she asked us: Is that really what we must to study? Sometimes I feel surrounding with children or worshipper of little little world. I live my life. You live your one. Finally we spent much times watching failed diploma works of university. Then it was shown dim film about Breigel’s picture “Mill and cross”. I saw cruelty of men and ordinary lives of dutch people. So reticent and dark. 

On drawing lesson was it so boring among them. Stop moaning! Recently I didn’t know whom I can incline to and just draw instead of mixing with them. I don’t need them at all. I came to conclusion that everything what happens now is kind of hardening of my own nature to keep alive anywhere with anybody.

Helga has written to me a new letter – so kind of her. She’s naturally graceful girl and I ask her everytime with much part of joy.

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