2 days before the end of the study

To not fall into contempt to myself I have to write at least a word here.
I’m in spring time mood on this either cheerful period or slack one. Just imagine but today I have received the letter from N. She entirely write beauty type.
College is the strange place now. There are whether pure silence or laugh of first year students in the corridor. Like a ghost of time when other oldest students got out their workshops to ask to keep silence.
I was too energetic till talks. It was much unexpected jokes by me. It would be good to have this joking skill during winter time.
Tennis training was typical.


4 days before the end of the study

Saturday – the most favorite day in a week. Great breakfast with omlette, toast and coffee. And laziness as usual.
Going to the bank by bus without headphones helps you to feel the smell of reality. Entirely old and unpleased. But without any music you can hear your own voice, what is trying to say something. You may watch new building sits instead of old dicrepit houses and foresee a new district there sometimes.
In “The frame’s gallery” my classmate works. I went to invite her to pose me but we talked long time enough to touch basic point in study and work. And she refused me. I bought two oils and had a friendly conversation.
Everything is so pure light like a delicate texture.


5 days before the end of the study

This was the day of work. Maybe work wasn’t fully on the painting lesson when Irina cryed “What about tea break?”. Sometimes this kind of life’s style annoyes me.
But after a salad on the dinner and some tea I began to draw Nastya’s portrait for the picture. Long time we set it up. Kate with whom Nastya was going to go home was so slowly and scatter-mind that I had got some add time for the sketch. I heard some songs from 2013 year K turned on. Listening those russian lyrics I saw clearly how far that time for me now. Time of type’s tasks till nights, some phantoms of amourness, alive dad who got up at night and talked with me. To say honestly the time of my study has gone not so swiftly as it seems sometimes. As it seems to majority of students.
Hour later my mind should be concentrate on literature’s exam and Solzhenizin’s biography exactly. Then it was brunch in McD where I decided not to go there anymore. Sun and stir of young and mature people.
On the sketches I tired, really tired to the last pose.
When I concentrated on my own life’s aims I had became rigid and senseless like a stone. Stone what can’t speak fluently with people. No. I can, but the persons around me influence on me with their closeness to life. I see it and want to change the situation.


I should not only speak about changes in my space but to do some movements to changes.  I really dislike society around me what chills the passion to life.  They aren’t who I would like to be.


7 days before the end of the study

From early morning to the dinner time freeze wind blew everywhere. I was sitting at the computer with my illustrations. A lesson had gone so invisible that I have no so much enthusiasm for the second one. I was complimented by girls for my little pictures and was so glad to feel it even in such a little portion. Also we had found the programm what initiating real oil, watercolour, pencils etc with so realistic approach.
Since the dinner it had been beginning to be rubbish. I could’t or rather say didn’t want to mix with them on conversation about cheap liquid. And when I actually will be able to listen music on my own phone?
The good point was about a visit of Britvin. As usual he said some notices, but among them a golden light of phrase about right drew neck. Oh my lord, it isn’t so hopeless, something is studied for these five years! This is a very joyfull note for me.
As I drew till girls were flaping about I decided to go home earlier. The other reason is about my stomach.
This kind of times when I have no theme to discuss with classmates and N doesn’t answer nor my letter niether my texts to her I feel a scruple shade of loneliness. But then thoughts about future chops and changes take it away as useless redundant.


8 days before the end of the study

There is a driving snow out of the window. White streams are whirling across streets as these are claiming about winter return. No, thank you. I was in the old coat and with the oldest phone we had at home. My timely eight years age nokia had told us good bye and repainted the screen in black.
Today I’m light. Nor a sitter’s stupidity, nor some grey faces among classmates, neither unpleasant critic of the teacher could make me feel worse. It’s all rubbish and of course has an end in eight days. Last eight days of study here. And a few rigid months for diploma picture.
My en route time I read “Pride and prejudice”, watch tranquill world of personal doubts and joy. So far from there.
To say in one word, now I see the light in the end of this way and the idea of living another way makes me more severe in daily aims. I must just try to have better marks on our next thursday’s exhibition (the last one).


The Saturday’s morning in the local museum of fine arts. Just fourty minutes with Russian art. Creaking floor and ancient black staircase.
In spite of light streets and freeze air I felt something from yesterday sadness. Friday’s sense of emptyness.
But it was delight to sit in the McD’s with double espresso. In the bus I was watching around listening french music the same time and tryed to admit a light into my inner. Just give the moment to take me with it’s softy yellowish.
Now I’m at home and it’s the less wanted place where I would like to be now. Of course saturday with a plenty of deals to do.