This is diploma time with no time and any desire to work hard. Sunny bank of the river out of our window seduces us to go out of cartoons and canvas. And we see the glimpse of water and resting people on bikes or worn in dresses. Everybody came outdoors to breath either with light air of spring or fresh painted roads and branches.
The morning stir in the hall made any mind scattering. My tutor F appeared immediately there. His comments were as usual emotional and loud. Most of them had been started with “I do not like it…” Oh, it is very professional, I see. My notices were percieved as some attack. Old story. Unexpectedly I saw him in other light and his power had been ended then. One girl decided to go to home after his notices. And some time after F’s departure Br. came to me with another view, which was more pertain to me and to the whole picture. We understand each other, I hope, more.
Heavy clouds have covered the sky with dim, gloomy colour of grey and blue now.
And finally I have taken a notion on this. To be at home with grandma, trying to make sketches is so pitiful. Unpleasant of this life is evident. And so loathsome. Grandma opened the door to unknown guy. He turned out being drunk and stupid. We could not close the door because of him. It was stressful. I even do not want to tell about it. I phoned to police and wrote the declaration. After two hours I spent with literature’s themes I had heard a sound of bit. The neighbour decided to destroy our balcony as it bothered her. In ten minutes she had been ringing on door. Secondly on this day. I have just not opened. Crazy district, crazy. We need to move to a good place. Better though. Is it really that this town turns to me with back side? Hope not.
War theme on literature is still seemed to me boring. The point is about feeling or not feeling it. Nothing else. When I was watching the film about Art of Germany something glimpsed inside of me on cadres of Holocoust monument. And girl I met in Moscow does feel the same way I think. Inner stream.
In this town, town of my birth, everything is so empty. Streets, people, transport. Empty because of my percieving it. I don’t know, but here people are so slack and slow, most of them wants nothing, zestes about nothing. Allegadly I had gone here I had not gone to my town but only town where I live. Where I feel mysels lonely, and this sense is explainable.
I begin to understand why one persons live in one places and another in others. Even Plato wrote on this point in Dialogues. Knowing person is courage, but unknowing fears. We afraid of things we do not know, and often people even do not want to discover new. But world is included by many little pieces what we are able to understand. Pieces of people, roads and buildings, customs and marks. And your regard to any city is collected not from objective points, but from subjective bit of persons around you. We may choice to mix with (not) intellegent people in any town, it depends only from us.
My day in Moscow was so vivid and inspirating, like a sip of air. Immediately possibilities of life was opened for me like possible. Like open way to my own dream.
Today was grey (who has surprised?). Almost nobody from my course came to the college that why I was drawing most of the time. The film of riding cars out of the window is boring thing to watch. I find my behaviour here is not so local or very local (sometime when I cannot to come to unknown man and ask anything). Boring boring. I hope everuthing will be OK and will find my own shore.
During the way to Moscow I had been sleeping no more than twenty minutes I presume. It was strange to get off the bus on unknown metro station. There was a fray between drunk boys because of crying girl. Then in the subway I frankly worried being between them. So ugly and grey. On my station I found Coffee House to sit some time and have a breakfast. It was not a good breakfast, but the possibility to kill time. Strange thing to hear bad language, and be waited from a closet in agressive way. And I naturally breathed hard and said to myself how unfriendly Moscow met me everytime.
Streets was empty at eight o’clock, only cleaning machines flushed pavements with soap water. It is great if you are out of those roads, another way you will be entirely splashed. Like I had been. Barrettes and yards of houses (historically low and totally high) in the centre. Last time there it was primarily spirit of metro, crowd in common stir and nonstop run. But that time I saw placid mood of narrow roads and certain faces what could be smiling else.
When I went to institute’s dormitory it had begun to rain. So fast as I could I went to instititute half and hour earlier that I should.
In the canteen I met a girl from NN. She is going to enter there too and we had much points to discuss. Often I listened resemble thoughts from her about art and Repin’s institute. We set at the first row where we could observe professors and managers entirely. One of them (from sculpture department) was drawing the whole time. The main speaker was composed, good-looking and clever enough. The main spirit of the meeting had really welcome, open, not snobbish mood. Everyone of the comission answered on questions quietly and precisely enough. Even before the consultation about russian literature exam I had collected much information. And the main one was about my doubts I had not more. Then in the study we had the little lesson about literature. When I entered immediately I set with a dark-hair and dark-eyes girl. We were talking the all time about mistakes, exams, literature, illustrations. One moment I had forgotten that I was not at home but in the other city with unknown persons, that I did not study there then and that was not a usual lesson of literature. Information I have now is quiet useful.
When we came out of a study, talks had not been stopping until the farewell in metro. In front of the time-table we touched the point of russian “education” what absents. It appeared that she lived and studied in Germany seven years. Both of us hates theme of war and the main political stream now. That was real pleasure to speak with her and hear a responce on my own thoughts and hopes and dreams. I really can say that like attracts like. And also the whole day in Moscow, in the Institute, no one thought I was not a local. Irma (dark-hair girl) even asked me either I had come on car of foot.
Museum like a usual haunt, was placid yesterday. I delighted with Sezann and Matiss, Picasso and deutshce artists. With time I understand in art more and more. Wings of inspiration made me fly and enjoy the moment. Streets were full of different stylish people, walking with their companies and smiling on sun and spring what came finally. I felt self-confidence there.
After some wondering I had found the place where Sasha studied. That was like a little town in the big city. Plenty of book and art stores, exhibition centre and interesting people everywhere. Sasha appeared from the corner very noticeble. And we talked nonstop about much things. But I should say frankly I felt a difference between her and new moscow acquantances. Basically the difference is. Maybe it is diffilcult to her throw bad details of life what everyone has. But the time with her was friendly, warm and interesting. We said goodbye in the half of the word and I went out on my station.
Evening in the bus was unexpectedly active. I was gapping without any desire to sleep. But I did later. On the morning I spent an hour looking through the window on lighted fields. At home I had slept four hours.
It was much of small events today.
Last days I have so sweet sleep time that even when I oversleep I cannot reprouch myself. This was today else.
Going to the college I unexpectedly noticed the car of our tutor who should not appear today. At throushold we had met. That time I was astonished and unpleased with all unusualness of situation. Like days before I had a nervious heart, but tried to answer in active way. Tutors decided much things to do that after their leaving I had felt myself exhausted and had not understood what thing to do the first. But after dinner time and few hours of drawing the body and some other details I had succeed.
About three hours I read the letter from Nastya. In a heap of senses like angry, sad, total loneliness and shameful there was one what had supported me to be normal. That was: “It is necessary to live further”. In the end of things friendship often transforms into communication. Into pretty polite communication of two intellegent girls. How explain the presence of a glassy wall between us the other way?
To have a tennis training with anoher group another time was so oddly. Children are always wild children without adult percieve of life. Their training was so easy and common that I had not had any weariness.
Outdoors weather was so warm and extraordinary sunny that usual sights got another alive look. But I full of business.
Such a bad first part of the day and more alive end.
I was sitting by the table with a pen and saw out of the window where it was snowing. Like no spring was going to come there. Hardly I had washed the dishes as it was necessary to go to the college. To the additional I say, that was louthsome condition of mine. I listened last year’s english songs pacing across puddles.
I had felt myself immediately worse in the hall. There were girl sitting in a row and laughing at something. In some time my actions had become less than sitting in procrastination. I was sad, bad and hateful about my behaviour. But then I finally got drawn few parts of the cartoon. Senses hovered above Moscow, fashion (new cover of american Vogue), great photosets of the girl from the other course (she is friend of my friend, but not mine), words of Sasha about me and about a rain outdoor at all.
Tomorrow there is the event on Victory’s Day. And first year girls tires so much to make it good. They had even entered in the holly of hollies – the hall to ask us little help.
Tennis’s games made me feel better, more energetic. Heart troubles left me on some time, but even in a trolley bus I got resemble feeling.
I’ve just watched the film “Pride and Prejudice”. Another view of course. Entirely I’ve became more attentive in watching films. Often I even do not need to rewatch to understand more. I read information from a visial range like from books, but better. More pure.
Such a pretty light films like today’s facilitate me to leave off hard breathing. Recently I have become suffocating sometimes very unexpectedly. And reasons are not accepted to me.
I should have been running at the mornings since tomorrow. Nothing is going to interfere to this.
I have overslept my time today. But panishment had be in the sight of headache and weariness. Time in the hall went so slowly and boring that I went to the closet or far corner (to see the picture at all) more often than later. Girls who came only to talk with the tutor were sitting by the wall and leafing art-books of Soviet art. Yesterday we phoned our tutor and were surprised (but not me) about the drunk statement he was in. Today he has not come to the college. But another tutor has been there the whole day hovering above our cartoons and giving some advices. During dinner break it come Ryibkin whom country house we went to plain air to last summer. Frankly I was not glad to see him and embrace him (so familiar!!). He is property but unpleasant. I can communicate, but not so close. When he was examining our cartoons and asking some questions we were standing by the window with the cups of tea and watching on him.
The same dinner break I had the consultation about my issue with the teacher of literature. It was noisy populous place of library (!!) where she could tell in normal way, but I only tried to do. Near by me that was sitting a girl who I know is Jew. She heard our discussion about Revolution (hate this theme but have it to learn for the exam) and joined. That was very strange moment when I had seen how resemble we are and how remote the Revolution is. My endless Jewish question. So silly. Really. But I had been rotating around that the rest of drawing time.
In the corridor a strange process was watched by me. A policeman learned students to take the banner the right way. It looked very religious. Then walls of the college had been soaked in sounds of patriotical songs for the Victory’s Day. I thought about it again. For what? Now I really do not know how to pass to this question. I do not want and will not.
Home sweet home. Headache lefts me here. It is very strange indefinable time.
Through open eyes I saw an orange colour what had disappeared to the breakfast time.
It was the first day since last thursday when I had gone to the college. I was lost a little of course. The first half of the day everything made me annoyed. Idle talks, seats and net-serfing nonstop. Yesterday I experienced concentration during 50 minutes than a break, and 50 minutes else. That way I had done the pre-cartoon for four hours. In the college (as I afraid of) you should communicate with people more than it pertaining to useful process. Understanding of our not resemblence in approach to work made me feel ease. There was no real matter.
My deed of diploma got it moving. Sketches were discussed in detail with Br. and then during the whole day I had been drawing the new sketch with pencil. Finally after some correction it was approved. This case could be called a miracle because of the fact of Britvin’s agreement. I call. Tomorrow I am drawing the cartoon in full force. Is there somebody really know how glad I am about it? Than it will be tornments with drawing and painting, with light and colour. But afterward I will stand in a graceful dress near by my picture with sense of dignity about that.
Now there is some kind of chase with time I need. It would be great to play tennis on mornings though three times a week (I play only two). In the game there are a sense of life, passion and profound notion about life.
My tennis skills become better with every set. My second place in the last mini-competition inspires me and shows that everything can be. It became easier to bring through myself their complaints and not so clever talks. (my spring look helps much)
When I went out a bus to change seats immediately I had felt such a fresh river air blowing from the bank. That was pure beauty with all that’s lighted windows and clear sky.
Recently I have some nervious feelings in my heart, what goes away during tennis and sleep time. I try to be tranquill and breath quietly.
The situation with diploma is queer. I have made some newest sketches for pre-cartoon but I cannot begin to realize untill it isn’t admited. Dilema. Tomorrow I should show sketches another tutor and then phone my own to schedule an appointment. That is all at the beginning.
Also I’ve got the comprehension about my usual sense of loneliness. This is quiet easy to see that I have no real percieved person in front of my days whom I could have some talks with. This was easy I said.
And of course about “Birdman”. Omitting the details the Sam’s monologue was like a scream of our time, our society, it’s own inner senses. Like a mirror. The whole film does completely philosophical evaluate of our present life.