Too much smell of oil around. New colour of our house, new colour of our balcony, renewed colours of walls in the college, repainted buildings of the main street. And heat weather outdoors. I try to keep silence in my mind about this point. Again I have no got ready to summer. There are no any new light clothes. As it had been year by year. Especially in summer I feel myself less stylish, less beatiful. Girls offer me to buy something but I laugh inner and close the theme.
In the company to surpise I stay rejoicing and making jokes. It is still very boring to allow people be so ridicilously serious about their trifles.
Tomorrow I am not going to the college (first layer should get dry).
Sometimes it is too much thoughts in my head. Not because of its real presence but because of much communications I had today. I told with different persons fluently, with jokes and tales. I ask them questions to find common points. But to the end of the day I have been so exhusted. In the common workshop we all need a little time to work alone, without views.
I’ve started to paint on canvas. And this is the main achievment of today.
What a clarity today! Even with thoughful morning when I glew through images of documentary films. About public schools in England. What can I say? There are many questions about social justify but I like to observe that boys and teachers. No any real unpleasantness I have, but the inspiration to move forward to act and to do my best. The image of elegant dressed clever, but perky boys is kind of things I like to see in this world. People from usual schools and common society are often try to proof themselves that they are not who they really are. And much things helps in such business. In this place that are gold cheap jewerly, Iphone, fashion dresses sewn from a bad fabric and plastic sun glasses. That’s why I glad to know there are people who can wear themselves very good (I mean not just in fashion, but elegantly)
In the college there have been F today. To my surprise and joy. People of his age are seldom changed by girls like me, and I don’t try to make him teaching another way. I try to be tolerable and gently. And stitching need information. Recently my friendly way of connection has been a little thing to be glad about.
Also Br told us about their trip to academies. His view wasn’t amazing for me in points I know, but in points have no any notion that was. I mean the situation when the centre of traditional art and Culture replaced from St.Petersbourg academy to Glazunov’s academy in Moscow. About the institute I was going to enter he said no praising word. But one was for another I thought else. And to my surprise I have the opportunity to enter in both of them. Lucky turn!
Tennis exhusted me with new exersise and nonstop game with the all players. But fresh air of the evening, grass and lilac turned everyone to live, to breath and to walk a little.
Sunday is so usual and quiet. Mom went to the work as the other seller was ill. And I was left at home alone. Alone with my themes for russian literature’s exam. In spite of all things I spoke about living full life, practically I cannot to act so. Sometimes it is managed, but in ordinary case I seat (as today) and try to understand how to entertain myself. I went for a walk to the trade centre. There was much books to glow through but I was looking for english classical one. Lately I buy books rather seldom. Is the reason on my being a student or being in this age of intended independence? I do not know. Maybe everything because of policitic – so typical idea. But I have nothing to worry about, much things people spend money for I replace with tennis and huge purchases. I perfectly remember how nauve girls was in December when economical fun was exerted. This is the boring theme.
My cat is going to die. She is sitting now at the floor and shiver. We know it from her entire condition and the doctor’s verdict. With no any desire to think about death and life in fact I often found out myself doing it. Generations replace each other and something changes so fast. Look at young silly girl with her two children among greenish of the yard or on the girl of our course who are going to be a mom. In twenty years that persons will be young and ambition. And we are now so older and older, soon or even now will be adults.
Such reflections set me on today life. (Don’t want to write pathetical)
Magic of the day will not disipate if I write about it.
I woke up in time and wrote the pages an hour. Such kind of days luckiness on my side. Clouds replaced with sun what lighted wet green trees and deep blue puddles. I was listening my usual audiobook and regreted I had no time to read yesterday. The art store was expectadly empty and I could quietly make my choice. And no word about prices will be sounded from me. After so long pause in any kind of spending money that had been so joyful to buy oils even if it is necessary.
When I went to the college there had been some election. Scheudules, candidates etc. That was something about youth wing of goverment. With an interest I voted for a boy from the university. Then everybody I tryed to persuade to vote waved on my word. Very remarkably. During work time I mixed with people around. From the other course, from my course. I even phoned to much of ortodontists to know weither they buy what I need. And thing I found out that I could buy things for so little price. It even wasn’t necessary to arrive to the new town and spend more money. Juzz I listened in the clear trolley-bus amused.
So lucky day with rain, sun and serenity of air.
I resolved to start a new life since monday. Wake up early, run, write and go to the college in time. But as soon as I saw a rain out of the window at six o’clock my plan had been corrected. Later I was writing morning pages when it had been still raining. How long had I been neglecting this marvelous process? At the end of writing I felt myself cleaned up and got ready to act.
Yesterday I was so slack and slow. But at the evening when I decided much pretty things I would surprise nobody with there was a film I liked. “National Treasure” – humour, bit of history, pathetic, action (I always feel bored with it). But the main thing what fed me is the images of persons who are in passion about their business. That passion is what I really need in time of such greyness. I feed myself with pictures.
Today I have some little wins I glad to have. My last composition about illustrations for literature was started. If you don’t know what to do, what to begin with – write a list with confounded ideas, thoughts, sketches without any bound. Then write a plan where that chaos get an order. That’s all. Nothing is impossible, only thing we should do – start.
I want to think more positive and live more colourful. To have real life with plans, pleasures and sadness. I want to act in my life, not to look on. There is something changed in myself as I see a new page of life I would like to have. To change worst sides and save the best ones.
Why am I so thoughful and prostrating? The answer is “I think about modern art world and entire world too much”. Since I watched videos on youtube about condition in that world, I have been reflecting. Their title even sounds like “Why there is so little art in the world of art?” I could say that I see some real crisis in painting last time. Nobody knows what art is about, for what it is, and where is good or bad. Just intermittent everywhere. In my own place it is shown with distortion of notion about realistic traditional art. I mean that we have an idol of Academy but in reality there are only imitation of old school. With old themes, methods(this is rather well) and old-fashioned view on the world.
But in the West (at my own presumption) the situation isn’t better but another. With the other distortion.
At the end society becomes a victim of opinions in desire to seem cleverer. We more often whisper about our not understanding or our not being sure that that rubbish is art. This all seems to me a shining soap-bubble what have blown for one reason. Money. I will not say any not evident thing, but I see some ill nature. More clear art is I presume in cinema and photos. As there are some technical and aesthetic requirments without which it doesn’t work at all.
When I was going on the main street where buses stopped to drive and was thinking about all of this, white cloud hovered under the blue sky. Some light wind made trees rattling in sun rays. And nobody cancelled beauty.
There had been dark-coloured winter dreams at morning until mom’s alarm clock rung. I got up immediately and obsereved our traditional breakfast in other condition. “Iron wall” is still here between me and mom. She plays this part in unskilful manner. Harsh tone of voice, ignoring of my advances etc. Very boring and laughful to watch at. I thought about it, of course, more. She’s my mom in fact. But to my own opinion her bahavior is a behavior of a victim of her own mom. She cannot to say her No. And being know enough about my grandma I could say that she is able to bewitch her own daughter. And then mom continues the wrong way she used with dad. Really this all the same situation he was in. Alike reactions and etc. I see in this one reason of coolness between them. This is why I am still not in angry with her actions. Although some warmth has emerged.
This void weekend was for some decisions about summer time. Curtainly I would like to spent time in warm expensive country with friends, but I can’t and nothing really bad is in it. I will spend time (hope so) on self-development affairs like new artistic methods or learning things I do less in usual time. My walk across the town today took me a notification about summer here. Maybe somebody thinks there is a town, but no, this is the huge mistake. During summer this town is a country. Streets are empty, people are out of here (or in air-conditioned offices), events absent, theatres are at vacation. And the list could be continued you know. But I should have been living in this town during two months after entering the istitute. I hope everything will be OK and I’ll do what I want.
After tomorrow visit to cardiologist and her direction to the examination in three weeks I had decided to solve my own problem with method I clearly knew. To run. This morning I run the first time since last monday and felt good. With no my usual expressive fast chase at the finish but with tranquill, soft result what had been. I was OK with no pain the whole morning and almost the all day long. But after breakfast came and boredom. I entirely didn’t know what to do during my free day.
I watched the last film of the Art-House list. That was very thoughful and profound but not so timely for me. I haven’t thought before but I have no list to watch at Saturdays now. Some desires of non-classical film what were suggested by different people. Doesn’t matter.
But the discover of this day was lessons of english which were tought by a young female londoner. Then I found out her another channel, sibscribed and watched some of her very funny or sad videos. I was watching at blue eyes with dark eyelashes and saw the world of persons around her, her life, places she go. And such observation (with british pronunciation) to my surprise is inspire me. She told so simple things about being oneself like one is, about self development in society for introverts (not so useful for me, but for the image I got). And when I got out the flat and breathed an air of spring I had felt a lifeful. The world in my head what is able to become reality. Curtain thoughts were “I should converse with different people more, write and practice in english more, live more and enjoy life being myself more”. English as tennis will be attained with practise and nothing else. And also the way of uncovering own impressions, emotions etc is the way of creativity.
Tennis was incredible good. I played passionately and quietly at the same time. Calm and concentration are necessary conditions to play better. And be easy about mistakes, try new methods and don’t worry.
Bright sun in my room and some shoots of cat in the balcony during morning excersices. Morning allegadly whispered on ear: “Go to walk and be fun!” Of course I had got out of the flat and went to the college. There was everything like always. Few persons in process, few in chair. Being louth to do something or connect with my group I did all very slow. Talks the whole day was not intellegence enough, clever enough or interesting. Much of instagram and local cafes. But near by them there were girls I would like to mix with but feel some confuse (in spite of the first step) to left my group and move to them. I see very clear, like in a picture for comparison, difference between kind of persons I could connect with. And the choice is only mine. I can be content with available company and continue to feel myself odd or I can look for something better and more proper. The answer why I did so little step today is evidently simple. Much easier to keep up with past than to build something new. But tomorrow and days after I should blaze new trails.
At the first floor it was put up the new exhibition. There were some of plain air studies as sketches as paintings, some of oil studies: nude sitters and heads. I had looked through those with rigid feel of sensless. Plain air studies are so enlessly and boring. The little ceremony of opening was very alike. Some portion of pathetic pseudo-warm-hearted words about Academy. So silly ideal of that institute. Even not being attained this ideal by myself I feel that I deviated from all that world of Academy. It seems to me so silly that I could not even keep up talk about workshops with Mary and just said: “I don’t know anything of your affair” And this is true. Their talks was so tiresome that I went to get over my colour sketch. And there was fit of breathing hard.
I have no idea what is waiting for me tomorrow, but I curtainly know that that medicine is avoid and narcotic.
Tomorrow my canvas will be delivered.