Strange enough but I can’t concentrate on task of writing a post here. Am I excited with today’s events? I think partiality yes.

At the morning pinterest woke me up again but inspite all I overslept hour of running. At usual route to the college I felt such inspiration of future that I smiled looking at the Bay and imagined nice colours of today, tomorrow etc.

Inward there was stir. I looked messy with oily hair, sport boots and casual “sack” dress. But it didn’t prevent me to do necessary things. I passed my student bus ticket and the card. With no sadness or regret. Most last students were running to and fro, but I couldn’t find a nook for myself. Ceremony begun as usual. I observed how secretary and girls sorted diplomas out, how they scheduled everymen in a book. As the weither was rainy and grey the hall lighted with electric lamps and through the opend window it was blowing fresh air. Honestly I smiled and was glad to applaud everyone. Simple but pretty ceremony (with gimn what turned saddenly off) had ended fast and we stood at one moment and went out. Then we photographed with papers, talked and did nothing. Young course invited us to the study where the table and the screen had already been ready for sitting and having funny time. That was student’s culture with songs I heard the first time but most song along, with jokes and familiar relations. Such moments I’m so odd, I’m out of reality but in some film I watch through eyes.

In the fund Britvin helped us to take pictures for some time. And of course wonder where I’m going to enter. I answered and got very good reaction. He passionately pointed at me without word and everything shown he thought that was great idea. Then he certainly said they will rip my hands and welcome. As a good man he prevented me about Moscow’s things (I know…) but smiled on my own reaction. He was so organized, so polite with anyone who went with their own needs that I only admired. My pictures were found and packed in the folder. And I went out of the college…

The road to home was good. Heavy bags didn’t prevented me from the sense of gladness. I song improvisations.

Packed portfolio, taken away things. New recipe for dinner. Methods for stydying. Inspiration for changes.



To say something about this day.
I woke up with sounds of rain what was bitting out of the window. Quiet violet rain what I like mostly. Pinterest’s pictures helped to become positive and easy.
After lunch I’d known some information and bought new stretchers for old pictures.
Yesterday I had sorted out the whole my pictures of the last four years. And that was very surprising for me. I saw excellent painting at the second and the beginning of the third years, as excellent and alive that if I did that way lately I would got better success. Drawings haven’t evident progress. And studies appeared in so much amount that I could only be terrified. The heap of cartoons, canvas, papers fitted under the bed.
Back to today. After I’d made the canvas I had some free time during what I discussed plans with N. We decided to meet. The next meet will be only in August. I was reading a book when she entered the bus and sat beside me. And together we arrived to the place. New districts soon changed with forest and the road. In the world of trees and grass we became calm and quiet. Talks lost their sharpness. We just spent our time with each other. Little picnic with pizza at the backside of the monument was strange but unforgetable.
To evening I got cold and decided to stay at home instead of open air tennis.
Informations for the sertificate, made canvas, the poem, reading journal, meet, writing, reading.

Continue reading “Monday”

The first day of diploma’s defence is gone.

I woke up at three and firty five minutes at the morning with the only fear to oversleep such responsible day. That’s why when I was standing in front of the mirror eyes were red. The whole morning I tryed to clear my own mind from buzz of thinks and words I spoke or not to Nastya yesterday. By the way we had wonderful evening with fairworks at the end of.

So I worn my white dress and casual heels. People in a bus were going to the beach carefree.

I appeared at the hall downright in time and sat by Lena. We and Sasha who join us later had some little talks about diploma and our own businesses. Once again Sasha found out to be a nice friendly girl with heap of professionalism when we discussed study. In another moment I change a seat to talks with Nastya. Today I wasn’t so chatty as yesterday. My head splitted and mind hovered somewhere. And basically I couldn’t remember what we were talking about. Almost the whole speeches of tutors, teachers and graduates were quiet and little boring. The one thing what comforted was brevity of speeches. That defense happened to be short time.

The much interesting thing happened with us later. We went out of the college to take some photos with our relative photographer. All of us except Kate (who had already defensed) were so pressed and moveless that the most of photos had just the different backgrounds. But when we went down to the river bank girl discerned known yacht and the same boy there as years before. He invited us to swim little. With much doubts we went and were so amazed to have another condition. Fresh air of the Volga, light of Sun and photos of us. The boy turned on such inspiriting music that in a moment I’d felt such freedom of life, such deserve to enjoy those minutes. After that little trip we were basically others, more relaxed, more funny. The fact of our own defense tomorrow disappeared in freshness of air.

How earnest the day was the way home was still the same. I ever have the same trainig of tennis tonight.


The stressful situations, talks with different people, anxiety about the other students. No work, no study for exams.

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A day before the first D day.

New day before the especial event. Morning was very idle because of talk with mom.

As it is the republic’s day streets are empty but the Bay is populous. Through bright banners about different parts and different type of people in that location I was going through with senseless. As the town tries to become touristic place to compensate the whole production’s absense. By the way I was in the black blouse and light skirt.

The college expectedly was empty. Zhenya cought me in the workshop and we begun merry talks on daily themes. In the other workshop I found out Mary upset after the storm called “Tutor”. He was childishly rude and intolerable. I really understood her as yesterday I had his call about my speech (only a draft of full speech). That was a bucket of slop what poured on me, but not professionally notices to get it much much better. That’s why me and Mary were so solidarity about his nature and our own.

As immediately I had known a point of news one appeared himself. K. came back from army and decided to visit us. Such moments I hate russian tradition to embrace with everybody (I do not prefer it at all). I tried not to look confused as I surprisingly had been. But in few minutes he had talked about his year I was appeased with my sense of soul’s silence and clear understanding of my own mind. And the whole day before I went out that all had been quiet, but ridiculous and inconvinient to work.

About work. The other tutor (who is more tutor that the real one) came to me and said that I had much danger to spoil the picture and I should not work more. And as soon as I’d done little strokes he’d specified I begun to pack the all things I had there. Those happened to be too heavy for a nice girl in the light skirt. Devided part was taken and I directed downstairs. Little surprise was to hear wondering question from K. But I’m free and will be free out of obscure mind.
This evening I’m going to meet with Nastya. And later at weekends with Sasha.

I made an appointment with a hairdresser and the only point I should do is my speech. Let’s write!

P.S. As I write three times a day I thought about some optimization of process. That’s why I will write about my day, then about progresses in my purposes (Preparing to exams, self-development etc) and at the end of the page there’ll be some chaotic rubbish I will hide under “see more”. Such kinda notes help me to devide good useful ideas and emotional blur. I’m not sure in the usefulness of such approach but I should try.

Five days before the D day

Hard emotional day of stir and jitters. I woke up late in placid room of mine, where I was writing my pages and drunk coffee. But the quietness of the morning changed with a ste to the college. I met at the doors my literature’s teacher who really wondered about my business. I was surprisingly glad.
The assembly on diploma defence was good but turned on some neurotic senses. We were explained the points of the process, the details and the order of presentation. I am defending at the second day firth. Then after clarity of explaination it begun a stir. Everyone immediately had deals to do, the manager was going to and fro appealing us to wash the floor at the hall (No, thank you). I felt that there was no reason to stay longer and sat in the bus to go home.
Evidently I had scatter emotional mind which stopped my skills to be active. (My central failure) I wrote texts to Nastya who arrived at the town today.
Then I put mysel together and wrote the basic part of the speech I will speak.
This day snown me like weak and neurotic I would be in stressful situations. I should overcome this in future.

5 days before D day.

After so much time I waste watching videos on Youtube (on production design) I’m here.

Day was started with phrase of my mum: “The cat has gone to dad”. She was the most weak at the yesterday evening when nor a move was made by her. The body like a real toy was laid on balcony until fastly I took it and went for mum. Near by her work place under a shruberry we were digging a hole and put her down. The whole time sun shone on grass and light walls of houses. Our talks wasn’t sad but optimistic and alive. At the very morning I could cry on this point but later no tear appeared. This end was the only one for her.

In the college we all have our pictures almost done. But buzz still in the air of the hall where we paint and eat. As I planned my days one by one my condition became more quiet and calm (sleepless night because of neuroses). At the midday it had been known that my new frame was ready. And I went through the heat of the Bay to take it.

There was still a girl I know – Kate. She reproached me little on my mistake with meisure. We went out to the front porch and told about education. It isn’t surprise for me that no really good education is in The Pedagogic University. She complaint much on dull teachers and rubbish session’s system. But then I just muttered something about college and we parted.

The frame suited perfectly and with high speed I paint it in the right colour. I don’t know what will say our master but it seems good. The huge deal is remained to write my speech.

6 days before the D.

This is not fanny thing about my cat. My mum and me are going to take her for the last way. Sadly but it is the only way to help her. She is laying on the floor without any move.

But this day was started with the trip to the art score where I met Nastya. She was dwelling between frame patterns while I did my new order. To my own surprise I kept my usual friendliness and talked easy about prices on frames and anything else. Through the sunny streets to the store it was tranquill to go and look up.

Time in the college had been blurred into one obscure spot. People were going in and out, were talking or working the whole day. I tried to work, to concentrate, but actially I thought only how I had tired with this picture (usual step of diploma). It didn’t so tiresome to paint but to be in that hall where everything was buzzing.

In the town some European competition are going to begin tomorrow and that’s way the Bay was filled with people, flags, banners and screens. Main streets had been mending the whole days before the opening. I saw Germans taking photos of fountain and continued to sing unexisted french song.

7 days before the defence of the diploma (La-la-la)

Tennis does really relieve separate me from the whole day’s anxieties.

As I woke up early I had seated in front of my diploma report at eight o’clock. That happened to be very productive hours for getting ready. After hot dinner I went to take my frame from the store. Big, but thin woody frame which I carried college through the bay. Unfortunately it didn’t suit to my canvas. Scatter mind, inaccurate measurement and the difference of five millimeteres. Though the price was small and I can order the new one.

The other point I want to touch is relationship. After months being in the hall I had had rises and falls of friendliness to my classmates. And this is fall. My positive notion came to me not so often as usual, I mean the basic idea of this time’s endness. To work on details was so tiresome with sounds of silly talks. Even when we were discussing the banquet I saw how unready some girls was. They told stories of decieve for economy. So trivial and remarkable to understand a nation’s character. That discussion was so louthsome and hard to speak that I was nervous even when was chaging dresses for tennis. But there had nothing remained after the training in the perfect weather condition.

Diploma. Good days

Such a wonderful day of light. Early in the morning there was so tranquill to write and to drink coffee. Then I went out and met pupils in their uniform (so different and stylish – pleasure for my eyes) going to take their exam with bottles of water, some papers and passports. Passing through them and staring on details like pink stickers in notebooks or quiet talks between boy and girl. There was some entire beautiful and harmony what was noticable under the soft sunlight on the main clear road where youth were going to take exam and enter in the other life. I knew exactly that they were from my own school. That was very glarious.
College’s time I begun with some little talks to be in touch with few persons. In fact I was heartily inspired and full of energy to live. I worked on main pieces and details with attention and joyful. Usual negative affection of my tutor receded into background and I could speak little more polite. Thirty minutes three tutors had spend in front of my picture thinking about a frame and ended on my first decision.
At the evening to step at calm staircase and use our own sink blew some nice senses of prettiness. Certainly this time of diploma is excellent. Almost everybody has some work to finish, to finish and close door. That’s why we talk without any tea and still talk as in little time we will be dispelled at different sides.
This is my own sentimentalism with attain to have beautiful life. I remember the whole five years but this final days are so different and so open, so quiet.
Keep silence! Do not frighten glory away!

Also I won the second place in today’s competition of tennis. I’m very very glad! Of course I should not to relax but keep my eye on the game. This is the good sign. (If you saw tennis player in the moment he serves a ball you might note now much thinks flight through his mind)

My activity is trembling between procrastination in front of YouTube and certainty of every action. I have the To Do list that’s why I know precisely what and when should be done. My nervous had gone maybe because of sedative or final notion about actions. To have more time for diploma picture and the report it supported I denied from my english study. No more new words or grammar lessons during next month.