So I shirk from my writing obligations too much to justify myself.
After much of anger and depression yesterday I woke up with other senses. Instead of morning pages where I didn’t know what to write I made some expressive sketches to set my mind free. And this is the better way to start a day.
And there is no so much louthsome being in trolley bus if you are sketching. And I finally was doing it.
Mmm… how to say that I feel some strange confuse as I don’t feel like writing about my life. Maybe this is a little part of time I wanna to keep my senses within or talk about it face to face with friends. Otherwise I have no lifeful days now and I really incline to replace to tumblr and write more about films and books I’ve done than about my own life. But to be honest these parts are near to each other and there wound be no harm to me in no speaking about senses etc. I have my morning pages for casual notes.
So it soon will have been a week since I went home. This time naturally helped me to come to my senses, plan the rest of the summer and think about the whole year at all.
The first thing I want to say that all my sadness comes from lack of communication and businesses. I really become moveless without bussinesses to do (I mean something meaningful not routines). Almost the first thing I’d done being normal I washed the work table and all my study shelves. There was a great deal of papers and notebooks, sketchbooks to sort out and throw out of eyes. Now I have the (almost) perfect workplace.
The same time my mind full of optimistic thoughts and little fears. Here in this town I see no perspective nor desire to move forward. There is life so slow and dark, so far from real action life that I begin to think about my own actions.
Until I haven’t enrolled on english course, but I did the sketch for designer’s portfolio composition.
Today is the day of washing and net surfing for some information on necessary points. I have entirely no thing to tell about. The weather has became better, more sunny and warm. I had the good run at morning and could enjoy that time’s life. Now I do much average, usual things what everybody does. But certainly some lazziness ought to go out of my mind soon otherwise problems will appear.
Hey now! Be alive!!
This days I entirely realize that everything what happened last month happened because of one reason. This reason is to make my dreams come true. That events pushed me away from a wrong path. This is so evident now that I cannot conceal myself from delight and thinking about making my life better. And it certainly will be.
So I’m here again with my study of words and reading books. I’m here in the same flat and at the same table. This time of tranquility after the storm like at the picture “Ninth wave” by Aivazovsky.
And this wave of a sea can bring me strange ashore. The leaves at my table are full of paths I can go on. But whom do I decieve that I don’t know what I want at the end? Nobody. At the shore anyone wonderful, light and kind is able to be met by me. And other stories will be started.
The last document is got and the folder of papers is full. The only is remained to learn poems by heart and pack things. That’s why I’m more delighted today then yesterday.
Entirely I have nothing to tell here. really. Wind out of the window is wagging branches and I drink water after late dinner.
In the hospital today I practically raised up on social staircase. From little doctor to chief doctor. And as I got my sertificate sun appear outdoors and inner.
Without certain business what would spend most of my time I begin to feel myself sad. Yes, I see that sadness is a result of emptiness, idleness and moveless. Walking on streets I look at faces trying to find a familiar face.
But actually I woke up early and quickly went out to hospital. I don’t know how, but to the opening of the Mall I’d done all I expected. Empty halls, shops were opened only for me and no more else. But no one jeans was liked me.
At home nothing had been done. My enthusiasm about russian literature became cold. Books presumed as modern don’t inspire me but push.
One hour in the hospital between heap of people with claims was like a night of fight. Such moment of meet with local mentality are least favour. My mind is flying between morality and benefit through culture’s level and I behave myself very different in every next time.
Book store turned out to be my place of power. As usual.
Today I’m entirely more slack and slow then later but I’d understand that I should have some my own rest when I can and need. That’s why I enjoyed the film of Wright “Anna Karenina”. Since first cadres I fell in love with that style, beauty, photography and actors’ work. I could say much but I should sleep in time.
I decided to taste a journal of films I watched.