Now it’s raining. Drops are knocking at the metal roof and water is leaking out of tubes at the every cornes. Electric light makes stay at home very warm. Mom is cleaning up and I’m reading and cleaning something too. Plan to go to the village to paint the roof has evidently failed and I decided to devote this day to reading and writing. Last days was filled with impressions I haven’t written about yet.
The first meet was at friday and was expected to be. I took my pictures to return them into the fund of the college. The strange feel I say to carry pictures the way I went the whole five years. Such a deception of senses. Eyes said I was going to study, mind asserted I was far away of being study, hands felt that they really had forgotten how did it hard to carry pictures throught the bridge.
Inside there was no change (evidently it’s insufficient time). The same watchman and the same walls. My diploma picture is hanging in front of the staircase and almost the first thing what is shown. I was amazed as it was liked me with all incomleteness. I came to the composition workshop, left the bag, hairdressed, took a breath and went to look for Br. Immediately the first familiar face I met was DR. She was not concealing intrested in my condition. Her ear had been even turned to me to catch the new information. I was in hurry to say key words. Then she led me to Br. He was smiling and I think really glad to see me. But to his approach I wasn’t ready. He made sat in his study and asked me about exams. Certain information. I should say to addition that my own mood was perfectly optimistic and I couldn’t be so sad as he was. Really his face became gloomy and wrinkled. It was a surprise for me. I tryed to be self-organised and make an impression (but my inner condition was and still is such) of confident notion about future. Then some old women came to take his attention and we had fine good-bye.
The second meet was yesterday. I had been working at mom’s shop and read the book when immediately I saw a familiar face in front of me. She was Darya from the fourth course. Her voice was softy and friendly as the jacket was knitted and warm. Until printers made her photos we discussed our lives and plans. She searchs a job in children centers and wants to make cartoons. And she still lives in this town as her boyfriend decided to be here. She went away and I left with my rigid impression that I should left work to practice and improve my basic skills and understanding.
Yesterday I went to the theatre with my classmate Mary. Before coming there I had been running to and fro at the flat being in hurry to be in time. Naturally that when I came at the plain road to the place there were enough time, fresh orange air of evening and me ready to meet anyone.
She was later in her grey heavy jacket, new glasses and not groomed hair. Entirely boring grey colour. But our talk wasn’t that way. It appeared to be so fascinating to discuss news and present life. Evidently that there’s no vacancy called “artist-painter” in this world and totally employers do not prefer to employ people without working experience. We understood each other as both looked through the same announcements. As I had seen she had no desire to apply at any university, maybe she’s little lost and didn’t know what to do. Basically her reflections were pessimistic. Her work is located at the hangar on the outskirt of the city and like me she become tired at work and has no willingness to do anything after. She does cut letters for sign boards and to her opinion luckily has no connection with customers. On her background I looked enthusiastic and absorbed into the movie’s world. My little activities became a sign of my being still alive, still developing.
On other girls I can say that Nastya and Kate don’t work, Zhenya and Irine fortunately entered at univerisities they wanted to go and the rest of ex-students are left at the university of life.
I couldn’t concentrate on the stage at the begin of the act. But when the plastic story of creator and his creation turned to be more active and dramatic the whole audience couldn’t avert their eyes. It seemed to me little short.
After the action unexpectedly one approaches to us to say Hello. She was Nastya. Really ironacally. But such turn of the evening seemed to me great as we could discuss watched threesome. And of course it’s liked me as shown me to both that I’m not a lonely gloomy person.
We were going to the bus stop at the fresh evening roads. I smiled sincerely allegadly that was a breath of air in routine life. Theatre as cinema always has some magic power to return me into the world of my real life.
This days I feel myself completely tired. Without any percieving reasons just becase of seating at work in front of the computer screen and looking through million pages of part-time job. I did it because everytime I feel myself there very odd. I’ve already written about it. To speak honestly job just makes me tired and nothing else. Of course I wake up early enough and go out of home in clean clothes but it’s still nothing. For these days I’d found data about local exam tutors and yesterday I even went to the language centre where left my profile. (Oh, how huge my desire to begin to study french too is!) They said study will start at September. Ok. My next goal is to connect with tutors and get one of the best (of locals).
The condition of unemploying is so confused and inconvinient. But I truly feel like job injures creative point of view and deviate me from the way of art. It’s a tricky question: how to be in such case? Work and make money to pay for myself or to prepare to all departments hard and have no money niether suffient independence? Maybe I can make money with something else.
The other point is to keep me clever enough. For the recent time I’ve become less smart left clear view off but begun to hesitate, not hope on my brain in logic tasks. Entirely I regarded to myself as a silly little girl who recklessly got burned and will never be so self-confident as before. No, I’ll not be a weak indecisive person who hides under a blanket to keep the inner in safe. Imagination, logic and skills are business of workout, not luckiness to be gifted, rich and communicative enough. Everything is on how do spend my hours, what books I read, images draw, films watch and people mix with. Maybe I can’t be perfect, but certainly better. It’s too clear that most things are depends on my own actions, my approches and decisions. This is a little power I presume. (quiet laughing and caressing a cat)
So. I’m again at the shoke ground and partly this’s good.
It is inconcivable but this day is rather idle than working. Before the dinner I had sorted boxes with paper out and throw the litter away. But at the dinner I even didn’t wanted to return. For what? Really I am not needed by them. My goals are about information for exams and courses some calls I did and book I read excited.
At the streets it is so autumn-like that there is no hint of being still summer time. I like such fresh weather but instinctively I regret about time we have leaked out. This is the regular lesson to learn. Plan summer, write real list of little pleasures to do. Like eating fresh salads, swimming, rising with sunrise, walking more and more, run as it is good time for delight it. And travel. I know myself feeling every september that we’re going to Berlin at November and every May – to Lazur shore. But counting real I can trip to the next republic’s capital. Now I’m in fancy about preparing to exams and moving nonstop.
My realization of recent time that my own happiness is in process. Happiness is not a condition but movement, changes for better. The clever notion I took from one Youtuber. We can’t control the result but we can control the process to take the result. The outcome will never be perfect but we should be still active in our life as it is the small part we really can lead. Rule what you can rule.
It is so strange to have no work at the work that time is seemed going so slowly.
This morning was wonderfully sunny, but sun decieved us with soft light and quiet wiggling leaves. The temperature was about five digrees. The flat kept silence and I could have a perfect morning without any irritation. Immediately I percieved the spirit of the film “Paris” I often watch at autumn. And because of rememrance of it’s music, colour and mood I wanted to wear a dress and look better. Luckily the bus arrived soon and I delighted a joy of feeling myself as in some film with slanting rays of light from windows. Maybe it’s a sense of me as a visitor in the world of dirty buses and old passengers.
To the moment I came to the work the whole play “Pigmalion” had been listened. Very lucky. At the office there was nobody but the designer who exited from vacation and didn’t know anything. Also there was and is no customer to be busy. Allegadly he frighten them with his presence. I observed his manners and could make not joyful inferences. He’s a passive labour man, but certainly lazy and slow. His style of conversation with customers is rude and shy the same time. He doesn’t interested in add work even if it bring more revenue. Actually as an active element I should ask what happens, what to do and how to do it. But but but. I feel confused about leading him to do anything. I’m not a manager or head of tipografia, entirely I’m only a daughter of the shopkeeper.
Now I realize that it better to have much work than to have it insufficient. There is some enjoy in doing good the work you earn money from.
This week was the first week of full time job I ever had. The one things I understood that from the work horses die (but I am immortal pony). Really we worked so hard that to the friday my condition could be called hibernation. If we compare the inner life with a river we could see that it would dry from intensive use without any new infusion. Evident point. Personally I begun to forget about me like me. My upset about having insufficient time for writing, reading and better drawing was too huge. And after dry noisy evening of Friday which I spent listening Nastya’s classmates I couldn’t get sleep because of crying. Emotions aren’t rational, and that was kind of emotional fatigue. From endless work requests, from inferior amount of my friends. (That was huge mistake to break the link with my own classmates). That was only emotions. Nothing else. Yesterday I even cryed after mom scolded my wrong choice of paper to print urgent photos. I was in hurry, cutting one by one and controlling both printers I couldn’t watch at the sticker when it was so evidently glossy paper. -stupid justifications!
Today I have got away actually for look for a bag. But a half of an hour I spent at the restaurant’s yard with notebook and that time was the most useful for mu mind for the whole week. Some points had become clear. Such as I’m not here endlessly, at October it is the trip to SPb. This is the way and I still in the train to the point. This station isn’t pretty yes but it is only the station nothing else. I have no reason to be upset about my days. At the end I do work very effective (such revenues hadn’t been there anytime before) in spite of mistakes and panic attacks I had when machineries failed or time pressed. Actually this is the good chance to develop my stress resistance. And to throw away things what do not work for me.
I woke up really early even counting minutes of getting up from magic warmness of blanket. It was the grey trees and cold air outdoors. Allegadly that shouldn’t be a summer at all.
At the first half of the work day I found myself without a face of energy and love to life. There was everywhere stress what ocurred with diversity and changes of tasks. I made stupid mistakes trying to be faster and got upset. But that was funny to see the black cat who crawled there At the dinner break I couldn’t smile going through wet misty streets. There it had bloomed flowers yet but the hand of autumn had already clawed the power. I was just lie on the sofa after fast eating with no great tasks or something else. No run to be in time.
The hardest task of the day was to cut papers in pieces. I mean of course two thousand leaves of paper. It had almost killed me to tighten the valve but then it appeared to be much easier, not easy but easier. We talked with another girl a little and pretty relations had been fitted. I noticed that she regard to her work with suffient amount of resposibility but without perfectionism to redo done tasks. But her approach of not hasting with customers makes good results. Everything is clear, datas are understandable. But I myself lost the key information in the chaos of another datas like look, and persons themselves. I like to observe faces.
To the end of the workday there were no task to do (so divine!), and I just went to mom to talk went to turn off light, and printers.
Streets the same time was full of humidity. Micro drops were hovering in the air allegadly the air itself got wet. My chest could breath freely and my mind fly at every way. No so logic as at work (case with mathematic task). I like such weather not only because of its nice influence on my physical condition but else as a picture of romantic vagueness of life.
This was the real first day at work.
Morning was coloured in windy grey. I went to work imaging myself at Scotland again. I had been being there only for three days but now every time when it’s strongly the wind blows and green trees are staggering I see the Edinbourg’s streets. It’s walls of stones and affectionate hills of silence. I see black sharps of chapels and narrow nooks.
At the work there were warm air and huge deal of tasks to do. My perfectionist suffered from high speed of work which expelled little mistakes. At the dinner I came home and saw the sun appeared out of clouds. Much oxygen to breath and take ease. Little gardens in local yards and tranquility at the flat. Warm light with cold air.
At the office there was electric blue light of lams and computer screens. Papers’ cuttings and pieces, tasks to print and sheets to cut. It was so boring to cut the series of leaves (with pictures and descriptions of flowers and trees for the sellers) but so energy to print the whole fifty hundred leaves for few minutes. At the end of the day it appeared to be the huge profit for this one day. Much more than usual. And such point was the perfect one to feel good when I came out on the evening cool streets where everything was so pretty. But I’ve really tired.
This is the first day of my work at mom’s office. Recently I presumed to be happy having new experience, but after yesterday’s tennis workout I became little more uploaded.
I don’t know why but I feel confused. Allegadly all my skills in connections with people around are lost and I have nothing on its place. This is too ridiculous to have such nervous state of mind in such convinient conditions. I don’t know what to say how to behave myself in any situation. My vague status is the one reason to feel like this. But this isn’t the normal to be such. My own behavior diverges of my ideals. Ideals of self-confident, independent, the woman of her own will and word, able to mix with anybody, work effectively in any conditions. But I tremble. Almost all the time I bit myself at the forehead and cry something like “Do!! Say something!! Be active!!!” And my energy has leaked somewhere. Certainly it should be said that I need to be more brave. This is what I lost in Moscow because of failure and this is what I need to revive again. Nothing will change if I change nothing. Too banal to say it but for all the summer time my comfort zone has evidently narrowed to a flat with internet, films and books. I often speak to myself that there is nothing really scary in working, mixing with new people in being alive. But the absence of practice affects on me.
Wake up, dear, or you will see you dreams only in your sleeptime.
No, not like this. Wake up and dreams will come true!! – YAAA!
But for today I got the short limited course of young designer and can do some of basic works.
This is the sweet sunny morning I woke up in time and had a run across the streets.
Yesterday I met with Nastya. Time was appointed casually and I had more time than expected. Walking on foot to the place I thought how lifeful I am. I thought than Nastya again meet with me on my spirital rise. But when we came together it appeared to be wrong. I couldn’t be so active speaker as she was and responded her proposals without noticable enthusiasm. Sometimes she is speaking allegadly she is doing it with herself, not with me. Very often we had talks when one of us tells on one theme and then we switch on another without discussion, just storytelling. To the twilight time I woke up and could speak more especially about films. I don’t why but I feel that she sees me as some sociopath who doesn’t need new aguantances with her friends, who can’t live normal life. Maybe I really make such impression about me but it isn’t what I want. And it shouldn’t be desirable by her.
The same thing about my mom. I’ve no idea why does she think of me so narrow. I mean now when we (but only me) decided not to apply to commercial university she presses me to go to work immediately without any notion that I need to make a plan before everything will be rotating. Is it because of my home life? Or is it because I’m not going to search any job but at her office and it means that I am not an independent adult person who can find her own way. I feel I can’t maintain at her view. I would like to say: Oh my God! But hey! I decided to apply myself, I planned, acounted, made list to do, pictures to show, books to read, everyday I did little steps to my dream. And even if I don’t do remarkable hard work, don’t do it along nights it doesn’t mean anything. The mind is really so active in cogitation about strategy and approach to this year. And there is nothing so terrible in work in her typography but she prefers to say “Oh how it is unwelcome to go to work”. It is only her approach, I want to be positive and take the best. Maybe it will be better to have some money. I certainly know how to spend it (does anyone not?).
Also yesterday we met my course mate. She was as usual beautiful, friendly and good smelling. And we came to the time cafe. There was very comfortable atmosphere to spend time with friends or just write in the notebook. Night was bright. Sitting at home I totally forgot how beautiful night lights at town are.