Monday.

The October continuous to be rainy and wet. Water what is everywhere opened my eyes and brushed senses up. I see so much beautiful things, so much textures and colours that the task to be practical has became pointless. The last music of classic british singers is in the headphones.

While the tutor’s lesson I thought through the idea to give it up. Maybe I’m whimsical student but the unfamiliar way of study, breaks to talk about cats and medicine and the main reason – the price are dubious for me. It is all nothing if it be priceless, but I pay so much and percieve the financial pressure on my skin. This makes me anxious and inefficient.

But after a cup of coffee with ice-cream I came to english and did everything imperfect. I mean that I had mistakes as usual but I tryed to express my ideas. And as the topic was social we could discuss schemes of different city Council. After the lesson I had been so refreshed and renewed as after run.

I must be so busy with drawing, study and preparations that I don’t write anything I do so often (you know). This is not the time of boring or deep contemplation. No and no. This is time for active insatiable study. No autumn blues or any kind of sadness. Just an activity, enthusiasm and real work. No complaints or excuses.

Yesterday unexpectedly friendly evening

I had been counting the cash by seven o’clock and packing my things when the massage was recieved. Mom came and I in my usual manner of jokes went away with her pursue. Immediately I had arrived to the wrong bus stop and was running through frozen streets.

It was the new cafe of the local pazzeria. They waved me from the balcony and I upstaired. The atmosphere was fun. My raised spirit was suitable and we talked much about anything with so much jokes and easiness. I made my routine fanny comments and ironical questions like hunters shoot. Sometimes I couldn’t even speak because of laugh. But actually we could discuss workers groups, shopping and books. Masha and me were in excitement when heard from each other that we both read the same author (Fitzgerald). She had an order for landscapes from chinese customers and bought the new cellphone. Nastya and Kate go to study. I even agreed with Kate about manicure. Everything was easy as nobody was in stress and nothing distracked us. Only the closing time.

Streets were cold but friendly. I was maybe too excited with feel of New Year day that couldn’t make out the strong pragmatism of Nastya and her boy. We laughed almost everytime and said good bye in the same manner.

study in show

The weather amazed me a lot at the morning. My first words were “Mom, is it showing I am still sleeping?”. I had the almost perfect dream about my study in Uni. As my alarmclock didn’t work I had run to the tutor without exercises and my usual morning meditation on the trees out of the window. The condition of weather seemed me very inspirating. It reminded european winter but not the mid of october. Fine snow and diversity of grey colours at the basic background of silence and emptiness (I should go out and shoot).

So, the lesson was vague. She asked me much about european weather (what the hell I spoke so much?!) and time was passing so slowly. Her lecture about that play wasn’t new for me and I just listened. We spent two academic hours because of talks and I paid only for one. My head had already been splitted and my only desire was to eat some snatch with a cup of tea and relax. I did so and run again for my english lesson. There I had so nice time but not study. We talked on themes but we all know how far I can go in talking. I made jokes and wasn’ t earnest enough to concentrate on tasks. So it was fun to speak english but exactly useless. At this stage of my development I have a full right to study grammar better (I have to I have to I have to, you see).

And now I want to do my homework! Allegadly I am a real student, ain’t it?

So, it’s very simple: I just must to write something to justify my sitting in front of the screen so long.

The new lessons buffled me and I feel myself so strange to have work I have no wish to do and books I do not wish to reread again. But this is only way to have suitable result. The one of the secondary reasons (myself is the first) is the absence of talks. I should connect with people, maybe because of selfish purpose – to hear myself speaking about my own actions and see it clear. And also I should go out of home quite often and be physically at the other places. This is so strange to work here I mean to work but not to relax. It’s just a little thing and really I can overcome such notion.

One of my frequent emotion what distracks me is the wish of “real life” and “real experience”. I afraid to become a grey mouse who just study and have no real done things. But the point I should remind myself is that this issue has already been resolved. And it may be resolved in the way I don’t like fully. It doesn’t matter. I have some obligations in front of mom and myself.

So this is the Tuesday and I feel myself so exhusted as it lasted a hard week. But in reality nothing special happened these days. I connected with more number of people than two. Actually it started since friday when I and Nastya H. came to cinema (“The Intern”) and talked so much and so easy about different female things (you know what I mean). I eagerly kept up with not deepest themes and tryed to find a way to “see” her.

After that evening walking through fresh streets, it seemed so gloomily to make my homework to do my daily tasks and watch heavy art-house film as a part of my literal compaign. At sunday that condition was thrown away as I had bought the causual dress and walked in the shops alone.

Yesterday I was in the bank. labour exchange, laundry and came to the tutor. And only bank and tutor had been lucky. My jacket was hopeless and desire to sit for hours at the labour exchange was little. But I found the tutor to prepare to the state exams. She is mature and teach in the state univerisity of this republic. Her flat as her approach seemed me clear and understandable. And without a pause today I came to her again. We arranged to meet four times a week at 9 a.m. I hope but quess to be wrong that it won’t take much of me. Even today sitting in the cafe (actually it was food court) with my regular exercises and became so tired that my only wish was to arrive to the home and take shower. But this is the moment of not prevented growth. Muscles strenght when it’s a challenge.

It is a strong rain outdoors but I’m here in the lighted warm room.

My english lesson was unusual. I went and immediately became open and cheery to speak english, to amend my mistakes in grammar and succeed in reading (who could doubt?). Speaking had almost the same questions as I had trained at home (colours and music). That’s why my assurance was bigger but not full. All my mistakes are about grammar. This fact relives me a little, as the grammar is the thing we can learn. The second thing to study carefully is my speaking what is directly interfere with grammar. So this is what I should concentrate on.

There was a gloomy autumn weather and I run across streets and scarf was flying on the wind. It is changing life. I payed for courses and got time table. This is actually all. And I was nice for everyone I met.

By some reason, I do not feel what I would feel at the same position in the past. I mean this enviromental of home and limited amount of persons around, tasks of preparation etc. Enthusiasm and mindset of my total luckiness are my present leaders. I show at the whole situation as at a chance to get what I couldn’t take earlier. And the same time I have no dellusion about time. It still has strong limitation. This is what really helps me to stay alive – deadlines. The idea of being active and efficient during the whole day, weeks and months. The challenge to make my of timetable inspires. Yesterday I had done everything until sleeptime and made my agenda on the next month. What a head splittering it was? But the farther tranquility and concentration is quaranteed.
But insuffient of connections is the problem I should resolve. (I’ll tell later) Everyone must be able to speak (wonderfully) and I’m too.