I make mistakes in my literature’s summaries unwillingly mixing russian and english. Too much noise in my head to keep. I understand all of artists, they do not create something from nothing, likely they clear their mind in estetic way. So should I. (not at this page)
My speaking is quiet scant. Two hours per week with the russian speaking teacher isn’t enough to get the impressive progress. However, it isn’t the purpose for me until taking exams. The truth is that I have one day behind in my neat organised preparation plan. And there are four big tasks for weekend with one working day. And typically for me to walk back from the heap of tasks. Control freak is going to panic when things have gone out of the supervision.
There is the blizzard and whole streets are in snow. I feel a bit ill and lazy. (common!! Let’s be super active!) My cup of tea with a lemon speaks opposite. As a basically health person it’s hard to take any unhealthy condition not as a reason for being slow.
I’m going to meet with Nastya today despite all my upset with her being mute. I will be easy going and fun. I would prefer to make a step forward in our relationship and improve it some way. But the same time there is no reason to press on her with hard conversations and deep views. It’s ridiculous. I’ve already decided to enjoy it rather than suffer.
Let it be the post about anything.
After so much years living with the idea of me like a sociopathic person I’ve got that it’s not the truth. Now my connections are minimal but this is the reason of my passivity. There is a lot of boredom and rubbish during the day. And what a pleasure to talk with anyone. This delight is so basic and wide. It resemble on my surprise at the end of the study. Then I could go along the workshops and talk with people in friendly interested way because I was.
Even though the next two months are to have my total preparation for the state exams. And this is the main. I repeat it again and again. But after the dinner I feel like struggle with the great wish to go outdoors and act.
And now I really amazed with my allowness to study drama as well as visual arts.
Read Atonement by McEwan. He is the only author who came from school time to my life after twenty.
This day passed fast and remained few casual impressions by people.
At the end of the working day while I was listening the new female seller who tryed to get sale, I had realized that I can see people. In some way. Looking at her I saw the haughty woman who presume herself eligible to demand some special offers for her as well as special big earings and special gigantic necklace for the deep blue dress. Too ornate for the regular working day. Such persons wriggle anyway to get wanted. And she required all my attentions just for her. Of course I took her order on usual basis and felt free.
There are a lot of queers in this world and none of normals. I’ve this idea because the most ordinary people look like weirdo. They either can’t speak understandinble or get what they want. They have some unreal dreams about products that rather childish than adequate. They’re strange, maybe beautiful maybe ugly. They prefer to take photos of little nude babys, some celebrations and nothing about themselves.
How could I learn to determine the customer’s purpose by the look I don’t know. But I can make out that one is going to order photos, others print urgent documents or make copies, third to look at some goods and contemplate over the choice, fourth with full force tries to find thing of their demand.
I make a lot of jokes on their uncomplete phrases. Kind of: “May I printer?” “Would you like me given it to you?” or they can stretch the flash card without a word and I answer something like “Oh, it’s for me!” Yes, I can be silly and answer on questions with questions.
People are strange but quiet predictable and typical a bit. Especially young mothers. They have the same eyes which mostly reflect life of routine and practical attitude to much things.
I leave my home for few days and feel really good about it despite the headache.
Today it was the second day I woke up at working time and had no problem with it (yes, I still struggle with this habit). At the university I was the second student came early. The first was the girl from the college. We could start the day with positive talks and jokes. I couldn’t restrain myself from acting in front of the young other girl we’d made aquantance with. During the lesson I caught myself at the thought that I have a passionate interest into dramatic plot (even in traditional russian literature). As usual I answered most of questions (just to exam myself) and observed other girls who were sitting in the frozen poses.
At the middle of the lecture a boy entered the study and sat at the back row. I was really intrigued because that boy was my coursemate. Being interested in his present situation however it wasn’t hard to wait and be calm about talks. I went to him, asked something and he blurted out a lot of tiny details. He went to the academy (at the autumn, I presume) and now he worked in the museum as a worker. Ksenia went to the local pedagogical department immediately on the second course and some other persons made motions to and fro too. Interesting. He did not change at all. The same manners to go out without any notice.
During the trolley-bus track we (me and another Nastya) talked a lot about academies and institutes as usual. As usual it was fun and easy. Basically with slightly known people.
The rest of the day I spend with computer and calendar thinking about spare time.
I’m going to make notes en route to Moscow because I feel that some clarification about really deep things of my own life should be written down.
It’s the evening of the first “working” day. The sky has already darkened and the glowing garland looks pretty at the black background. We agreed to remain New Year decorations until wednesday.
I have begun the storyboard on kind of poetry I had at the entrance exam. Now I don’t want to complain about the quality (I know, I know) but to say that I have started the process and have no intention to stop. Anyway after an hour of walking along the phone I had got the call to the institute. And it’s going to be few days in Moscow next week.
But the main point to think about was my feelings. I mean fear. Ridiculous subconscious fear of mistake. I laugh at myself a lot on such things. Calls, meets, talks and decisive actions are things what look dangerous but as I do it once the illusion fades away. But I have some adequate fears about life in the student hostel. Even though it’s rubbish, I’m not a typical creative student as I have schedule, plan on year, month and week. I can count money and have some financial literacy. It sound like nothing to worry about and it’s only me. Actually I have a right to be myself as anyone has.
The progress test for english shown that I didn’t studied so diligently as necessary. However, my level seems a bit better and I can watch films without subtitles. But vacation affected the progress. I should return to daily exercises and stay on track as usual.
This day is off. I denied to pore over the books these two final days. Immediately I understood that vacation wasn’t good enough. I tryed to study and then to rest. It’s not a good strategy. Long vacation with working mom are kinda confussing. I should clear computer up and read something. But I didn’t want to strain myself.
My great passion of this time was Star Wars. Everyday I did morning notes about it. It has so strong energy that I even think to go to theatre again if I’ll have time. It was real delight for me to wait until evening and then watch the next film, worry and enjoy. I even cryed on the end of the third and sixth parts (it’s quiet seldom in my case). This is absolutely perfect for time off when we haven’t any pressure and don’t want to think deeply. But energy is so strong that I can jump to and fro smiling and making jokes. As well as it was with Harry Potter. But now I try to stay adequate and not to find any kind of information about it. Films are enough.
Today we rode the slide at the Bay. It was so fun to use the pocket firstly and be in dangerous. Then I tryed to rule the sleigh and couldn’t get any result because of cinstruction. Basically it was fun, but huge amount of children and chaos because of them. And as it was made for children riding was too safety, slow and boring. I could get the satisfaction fully.
But weather was great and just being outdoors was delightful.
This day is completely fruitless. Mom still has the vacation (partly) and there is so little place for both of us. I realize that doing things at home kinda fake work\study. Everyone should have a place for main activity, even if it’s a table among others tables. The enviroment where all people work is for work, where they relax for rest.
I should be strong enough and push myself up. Star Wars’ story within me like a lighthouse in the sea. We rewatch every film at evenings and until there were any better than new one. Mysteries make things better.
At my old blog there are a lot of notes about the spring of 2013. I though I was great with strict time table and excellent efficiency. But they all are about sadness. Now I’m not the same. Basically my notes now are about development rather than about reflections. I could write a lot of words about silly senses of loneliness but I don’t. It’s quite unnessesary. Now I feel strong desire of leap forward. But for this I chould forget slowness and hesitations.
I have already started the sketchbook gotten at the birthday.
Let’s write about new year eve.
Yesterday was the day of cooking and watching Sherlock the same time. I woke up late and quietly did my morning routine. Pages and to do list.
Cooking was so tiresome but quite absorbing. When I had the first dish done (vegeterian lasagne) it became much easier to cook. And yes my salad got delicious as well as meat in Burgundy.
At the evening I took the bath reading V.Woolf’s diaries (if someone is interesting) and had absolutely light feelings about everything.
To have a fun evening and night I bought the table game “Monopoly”. We made the dinner, drink and then played. Unfortunately I was winning and took money of mom all the time. After midnight she became irritated and sat to the computer. I was confused as the only thing I desired was a fun time, no more. But the nature of game (and mom’s reaction) made it tense. She said that the game is the only thing we had that night, I asked to offer something and only spoiled the situation.
It is much harder to have an active rest time rather than passive.
And I didn’t make any wish this year. I decided to make them true, not wish.