It remained only twenty five days before the first exam and I am a bit devastated with huge amount of work. It’s easier to do everything when it looks like a bit. But this is not a justification still.
I called to the uni and it turned out I still need to go to Moscow to sign papers. (They evidently don’t ready to apply anyone foreign) Anyway I can do it for short time without a lot of distraction. The question is my portfolio, some more storyboards would be nice. But I’m sure it will be ok at least for the short course.
English has been well today as I spoke a bit better. The book “Mindset” helps a lot to stay calm and trainee. So what is to say else? Tomorrow morning I am to visit ophtalmologist again. We’ll see what happen. I have a heap of work not done today and I hunch the evening will be nice.
This is the life when at weekend you have to take even more decisions than at weekdays.
It’s still light outdoors. Still light and still icy.
My day was quite strange. As usual I lazily did my morning literature’s theory, read the poems and switched to making the new avatar. And what I discovered about myself is that I can’t change my face. I mean the expression which I did not like at all. There is something to change. The inner condition or make up or both.
Speaking today was a bit better than last time and she noticed this. We discussed colour exhibition which was interesting for us. I wasn’t smart enough with tasks I didn’t understand why. I want to be smarter it is true.
The strange thing happened with me at the dentist’s. I was late and then got vertigo by anaesthesia. After the process I gave almost all my money without realizing the situation. But I couldn’t ride home without any money. And I went to the bank where I cashed so little sum that someone else would shame. And Sun went out of clouds.
Strange day. I feel a bit tired with all my preparation and the same time feel potetial of my willpower to get even more than I planned. I can do things.
Despite foggy weather and dirty transport it is a really good day. I was shaking almost an hour in the bus with the narratation of Bernard Shaw’s play. It’s snowing wet, all things including cellphone were dripping. But at the ortodontist’s there was good not expected news. I really had forgotten that some day my braces had to be removed. And this day will come soon. Good news! And this is so strange that the whole year I had the ability to come there because of my little summer setback. No more than destiny (in the way I can believe in it).
However, my attitude to the idea of destiny has changed a lot for last two years. I believed in signs and laws of university which would say me something about future. Now I rather self-believer than the blind fatalist. There is a destiny but our destiny is to take part in our own lives actively. Nobody should excuse yourself with destiny or something else like genes or current social or financial status. It’s even much better to not to believe in fate at all. It can be but in particular case forgetting about some great power is good for realizing our own power on life. Speak as a couch. Anyway, I think so.
It was the day of elevated mood and idle delight.
The morning was perfectly quiet when I woke up later than usual. No university’s course today, just traditional puncakes with banana and cottage cheese. Another series of “Jewish happiness” – about contraditions within the society. The seriousness of questions hadn’t affected my high spirit otherwise it was of interest.
Then my least favour time of cleaning up. Nothing to say. I wasn’t very enthusiastic and really wanted to go out of the flat.
The weather is fresh though grey. Streets are clean enough to enjoy walking. Mom told me about the friend of father who had a credit. In the trade center we went to and fro. I looked at the clothes with a lot of wondering like in a museum. We both were glad to touch excellent coats in the new shop. At my favourite shop I tasted a very fashionable pattern of coat and it appeared to suit me. Although I was like a military. Mom talked little with me and I felt a bit that my words were rather monologue than dialogue.
But we were happy to have played bowling the first time. She managed to do few strikes while sometimes I couldn’t keep the bowl on the track. Anyway it was absolutely fun to try something new. At the end of the day we took some rolls for the dinner, unfortunately the choice wasn’t good.
The way home mom told me so much about German lifestyle that I offered her to study the language.
In spite of all tiny distractions I like such kind of days when I can relax and be sure that I must not do some work. Get it done within the weekdays.
I woke up even before the alarm clock and could rise with ease and delight. Rooms were fulling with sun and colour. My breakfast with the toasts, scrambled eggs and cheese was nearer to my perfect sunday breakfast than usual. Empty streets were strangely pick and dry.
The long lesson went on quickly. I enjoyed the lecture about “The storm” as it had critical details and few views on the main idea. At the break I wondered down the floor and saw the dark corridor with the lighted room farther.
The way home I had to talk with Nastya (girl from the college). A rural moment when you feel yourself on a dominating position and datest this. She is absolutely pretty, little and a bit naive girl who cannot talk without confessions. (or I can’t lead the conversation) Anyway as a lonely person she talks quite a lot without questioning. If theoratical talks be tennis she would be a beginner and me an intermediate. Doesn’t matter.
My mom made the wonderful cheesecake with parrots and traditional expensive coffee for sunday. We managed to clear up the flat quickly and get away. Why I was irritated and closed for some time I didn’t know but it seemed so tiresome to discuss household questions out of home. The little shop hadn’t anything suitable as well as the trade centre. We took fri and coffee, tastes were so delightful as I hadn’t eat fri for ages. At one of my favourite shops there was the new collection and I couldn’t taste the beige blouse. Prices were high.
Sundays are good because of the boiled cacao and calm evening.
Sun shines today too. I was walking to and fro the points with energetical music and watched at the asphalt as something beautiful. People looked at my camera with dump faces as usual.
At the english I made out that I’m so slow and clumsy to consider about tasks. Why is it so? The speech is really affected with a lack of listening and reading. She felt it. We spoke a lot about information we get through TV and internet, did some simple listening.
Now I feel a gap in myself to be fulled. This gap is tiresome, boredom and slowness. This is not what I want to be. So I should focus on energy, enthusiasm and quickness. Maybe at the end of exam I would be so thirsty to do real things that first week transfored into week of passionate workoholic. Watching at the moscow bridge today I rememebed good moments of college’s life I could call “life”. I considered: life is when you are washing your brushes (something like this), observing your outcome and think that tomorrow you’ll do it another improved way. You discuss it with people, find ideas and feel meaningful. Work part of life should look like that.There is a turn on my way, I feel I have to transform.
I’m still here and going to write anything. You know this is the one of my daily points and despite emptiness there should be something.
The weather is so sunny today that I can feel warmth of it’s rays on me. Let me be an enthusuast today, give me some strenght to continue my preparation and not give up at the middle of the way. This is the process of breaking. I know that those are my obligations, but I feel a bit tired with all their ethical ideas.
It seems so far away from the life while there is no life. They all speak things that are near to the truth but being near it doesn’t penetrate into me as a clear idea how to modify my own life to be better. The modern self-development books really more helpful than Dostoevsky’s. At least for me. And there is the question is fiction book a place for declaring ideas or it is more a piece of art. And does it really fruitful to convey notions through fiction? As for me scintific facts can change my behaviour more than tales. Thought tales have their own power on my mind and mood, it can’t change the life. Absolutely. It’s not about how to be happy and prosperous, it is rather research of life as a process than the leader. Nobody presume to understand politic after reading a fiction book about politicians’ lives, it’s rediculous.
However, fiction is about stories and the meaning they have.
It found out that my selfportrait made at the third course selected for the Young Artist’s exhibition. Fine. Such moments I usually think about my fruitless life and that I should create more pictures. Such things are sign either of my abilities or not so bad study at the past. Now my fears in front of painting are much bigger that a year before. I sincely perceive that painting is not the business I would like to do day by day. Even now among papers, summaries and textbooks I become upset too fast not by the topics but because of monotony and loneliness. But it doesn’t cancel my love to painting as art. And I still presume to paint just for myself.
The Dostoevsky’s paragraph has read through and my mind is full of ethical phrases. But than more I read than far I’m from the real understanding of his ideas. Being able to speak or write them I’m not in touch with it. Exam does not require it but the fact is the fact.
So what about this day? It’s sunshine outdoors and clear cold air. As a monday it has not it’s features: early waking and energetical actions. This must be a rule: have a weekend! Otherway two weeks are like the longer one.
On english there was a lot of speaking. Sometimes she’s so artistic that I can’t understand how some people can devide people on creative and not by the profession they have.
Grandma is making her fatty pancakes.
New sunday morning I woke up at time, drunk my coffee and got out of home to the freeze slippery roads. One of the wonderful things at sunday is morning. Most of people sleep some additional hours among white sheets. But as I have my courses at the morning of this day I must get up. There is no regret as beauty of empty and calm square appeazes even better than few moments of sleep.
We were writing the essay. The text seemed to me kind of programm, there were some evident contradictions and evident stupidity (to my mind). It was the story happened at the Sweden war, but the deduction the author clinged to this story wasn’t suitable. I would say it was a story about amount of emperor’s power under his army even in moral issues rather than about brave army itself. Let it be. Exam is exam. Surprisingly, I’d got twenty of twenty three because of one grammar mistake (be careful, girl) and one little defect in the phrase.
This time college’s girl did not come and I had to go home alone though I was happy with it. My mind required the huge clarification after yesterday’s working day.
The old barbershop where I cut my hair being six years old is still near to my house. The choice of barbers is random stuff what changes from time to time. Today it was funny blonde woman who offered me little modifications which I agreed. She was so involved into process that couldn’t talk as the last one did. So I’ve got my hair dressed in order and mind is clear.
The flat is empty and I have the place and time to have remained things done.