My silence day comes as no exam is tomorrow and I must pinch myself to take the textbook and look inside with boring obedience. Nonetheless, the day is great. It’s so sun and fresh everywhere. The remains of snow are no more than the slight notification about yesterday’s winter. Water splashes and sparkle around the roads. There are no woman in a hat – hot crowdy space of buses.
I do strange and routine thing – uploading films on the tablet. There are so little space for Civilisation and no space for “Genius of photography”. Maybe it’s good and I’ll have an opportunity to stop to consume and create more. There is time for learning the ways and time for passing the ways. I should focus on drawing next month anyway.
What it will be like? I don’t know but have some ideas for activity.
After damn running workout and the dynamic music in the headphones, after talking and doing impressions at shower I am here at the calm evening room. And despite the textbook and notes which are waiting for being revised at the other room I am here.
How do theory’s students manage to put everything into their mind and be coherent? To six p.m. I had already been done. It’s my usual time for such activity as parodising, jumping, dancing, talking and talking. I found out the pleasure of little acting. I mean making jokes fannier, going out of the routine type of dialogs to more alive and flexible. And recently I make melodies to break silence or declare the poems for the exam. Actually reading paragraphs aloud to someone is the great way to keep up with the content and be active.
Anyway this day was kind of torture for me. I should come back to the table again and again to revise the summaries. Keep calm and stay studying!
This sunny day I read the whole summaries of poetry and wrote the practise test.
After the dinner I went to the art centre. My new white coat\jacket was so pure and fashionable that I caught some views. There was puddles, ice and dirt everywhere.
I found my picture quiet fast and the gentle woman offered me to look at the exhibition. It was kind of usual exibition for that centre. Landscapes, still lives and academic like portraits. Sometimes I ask myself how could these people allow such pictures to be hung. It all shown me funny picture that nothing has really changed since Pushkin’s times. Maybe it’s not so condemn to live on painting and drawing but the tendency of earning is still the same.
At home I called to Anohin and knew that it was still possible to take part. When the picture was packed and me ready again I went out. People at the trolley bus looked at my pocket with curiosity.
I felt lots of things. Mostly the desire to keep up, to come back and keep up. Even though, it won’t be paid or financially supported I can percieve the gravity and need of art. I can actually percieve some responce to my harsh studying years. Despite I dislike that picture and the massage it has so far. My cold view and cinical attitude to traditional arts warmth though I still don’t believe it’s a future. The sense of value of visual arts and absolute meaningless of factual exhibitions (kind of art centre’s) came to me. And the clear idea that you can achieve something (or anything) if you honestly involved into your work and have an active social position simultaneously.
I do not do immediate purchases and my idea to buy some albums was planned. Planned or not it enjoyed much to have new materials and fresh desire to dive in.
The day begun with the question: go or not go to the study? Finally I got up, made exercises and ran out to the foggy streets. What refreshing exterior it is! Foggy Sunday morning! How calm and peaceful it is! The only desire at such moments is to stay outdoors and breath. But I conscientiously went to the uni.
The teacher declaired extracts from “Fathers and sons” with great artistry. We could imagine every little details and the whole drama. She made different voices and accents on some gestures. Some people are great actors. (How can I learn this?)
During the lesson as usual I observed a girl at the front table. This time she wore loose black jamper and long skirt with brown boots with fur. After the study I greeted her, asked silly questions. She began to told about the film she watched yesterday and the book. Something about rude language of non-russian writers. All the time I tryed to use my russian better, more subtle and weigh every word. I realized that it was a rare moment with a peer I felt the necessity of improvements. And this actually what I really like in connection. The sense of ability to do something better than before and willing to correct some skills. Regretfully, it could be the last time we met (but who know) as my exam at next Friday.
Anyway, this another literature’s lesson shown me that my own skill of percieving fine arts is a bit straightforward, a bit scientifically pragmatical. Even though I still evade the status of bookish girl, my understanding and vision should be more clear and profound.
The end of another day among papers and male writers. At the morning I considered something about weekly purpose and really tryed to focus. But then from time to time I checked Youtube again and again, went to drink another glass of water and breath hard about the general pessimism of literature.
All programm books for me are Pushkin, Tolstoy, plays and other sulky profound writings. Even thought I can feel, for example Esenin’s poetry is really gracious and deep, I still can’t agree with mood and phylosophy. It doesn’t depend on beauty of metaphors or writing method. I attitude to this quiet easy, only as a part of exam, not a biggest part of universe which I try to conflict with (I don’t).
Such slow days contradicts with the ideas I convey so often. I should come back to my own mind desirely and willingly get focus on main things. Now I allow to be distracked with any kind of network.
Today I hah a new call by the teacher in the college (Anohin). He told me some instructions about carrying my picture to the union. Nothing else. However, I again felt confused and turned back to studying past. I remembered again how hard I worked on this self-portrait and now it is hanged here and there. It reminded other mine pictures at the fund which I did with the same great struggle. And others heap of pictures I did rather automatically they were not evaluated and hadn’t value enough to be. Signs of need to work hard on what has meaning to you. And there are no illusions about outside influence or some coincidence, that’s all my own efforts and positive enthusiasm of some teachers and people.
It all makes me wish to create thing hard and perhaps feel so bored with the preparation to the toughest of the state exams. Anyway, I should keep up with the plan.
The roads were dry and clear, they were almost ready for spring. Before we went to the balcony this morning and everything had been covered with show. And since the very morning it still has been snowing.
I went outdoors not because of free slot at the time table but of huge lack of concentration. I made stupid mistakes and yawned during the whole process of writing so called essay. The pathetic topics which are far away from the real questions started with How. Today I’ve catched myself automatically writing hackneyed phrases on moral issues. People, it doesn’t help to make pupils more ethical!
Many ideas for next three months rotate in my mind as a squirrel in the wheel. A bit fruitless I mean. Mom says I think not about that. But the process of preparation has already came to extreme point. But I begin to think that the whole life can be the process of going to one “exam” to another. Life will gone anyway. I wanna say that there is no reason to be cycled on exams.
Strange, but it remains only a few days before the exam and I don’t worry at all. I would say more I study less. As usual at the final track is much harder than the very beginning. I want to move forward right now. Study and create different things. As a result I can’t throw away my preparation, but waste a lot of time procrastinating and don’t actually do creative things.
So why do I not prefer to look at russian grammar and literature the last time for years? Essentially this is the great chance to remember the rules (I know them, don’t worry) and to brush up plots of literature. I will have a lot of time for walking and shooting at April, so I shouldn’t give up at the crucial moment. I did so quiet often and always had the same weak result. Remember the composition about symbols or water-coloured composition for graphics. It’s all visible.
So, no weakness, only stubborness and strengh. And I will be proud of myself as I’ll learn to overcome my soft spot. This is the point I should study, I mean staying on track in spite of unwillingness. There presume lots of stuggles which would be easier and better resolved with practice. Practice of persistance and self-organisation. I’m still the beginner at the organisation though know many clever phrases on this topic. What does really make me better organised is focus on the main points and the clear understanding of the reasons and the purposes. That is why I perhaps need to return to morning scribbling. I wrote in the notebook about different routine things which come to my mind instantly. It can be anything without limits or even grammar, style rules. Just stream of thoughts. This is another new point for April.
Let’s put myself together and write something.
This day began with sun rays penetrated into the room. We got up early and I went out to run. There seemed a lot of sun and warmth but actually there was strong cold wind and low temperature. Half of my usual way was enough to get cold and turn back. At home cat jumped and run as usual furiously. Lack of concentration didn’t stop me to do my homework and come to english.
It was really hard for me this time to speak. What’s reasons of my restraint and troubles in speaking about family things I don’t know. But after the lesson on which I said about the plan to go to Moscow I felt exhausted.
Spirits of another life flies around me. I wanna back to tennis and to do some new things.
Harsh distrustful eyes of the guardian and other service men. I was greeted much better than before there. My year old pictures made a good impression. I heard positive responses even not in my face. As for me, I felt pity about my pictures and me. It’s all a bit lie as I didn’t draw such way a year and I need to do a lot of preparation. The administrator was running between studies to show me to the different teachers. Immediately I became a break news. They criticised with actual abstraction of the thought but I could agree. I could press on them and get answers out of common words. They also asked me what have I done during this year and didn’t I apply anywhere? What a silly joke.
At the break I could meet the assistants who looked at me as a competitor and hurried to know that we are to different departments. And I could see eyes filled with amazement, it was eyes of the girl from my college. We exchanged remarks. Her hesitation and not absolutely positive answer on question “Do they teach anything?” confused me. She looked good in yellow jamper with the termos in one hand.
Once all people went on business and I did to sign papers and pay. After doing this and getting the time table I easily worn and went out through (as usual) the film direction department.
Sun warmed everything with soft rays. No severe wind. During the way to the subway I couldn’t stop thinking that all of that hadn’t satisfied me. I’d be happy to know that there is a lot to study, to grow. But I felt and actually knew that they need skillful students. I don’t mean that I’m greatly skillful but their average level is near to the college’s second course. And another which distracked me was the attitude to academical painting and drawing. You know those are margin addition to the main work in this field and not crucial. Is it about cinema? I still can’t find the question. Strongly I was aware of not passionate desire to study there. But this is the most reasonable way. So I should get my concept of studying before it’ll begin.I should focus on portfolio and education in arts. Remember all big issues I got. The way of fighting with weak and students teachers isn’t the best and isn’t mine.
Generally, that all was too easy to get satisfaction or some teaching experience and I did all I had already known.
That was strange trip at all. Instead of foretaste of being at the capital again I was irritated with perspective to spend about twenty two hours en route in company of workers, hearing their serials and being squeezed at the seat. The way there I was sitting with the young boy in track shorts. He was so passive (as the second one was too) that without my stubbornness we would sleep touching each other constantly. The sleep was torn on pieces with the stops and attempts not to touch the guy.
When sleepy me went out of the bus there was violent freeze. The people at the subway looked at everything with harsh view. Grey colours and texture of not fresh fabrics. My unconscious feet knew the road perfectly.
During the day when I was en route I thought about my attitude to Moscow. At the morning it was rather irritation, malice and cleanliness. Roads, corridors, excavators can tire a lot.
I wasn’t to be friendliest at the McDonald’s where I spend two hours reading the book. And I wasn’t to look perfectly good. It didn’t matter for me. There was not such worry as before. I could speak with the guardian at the institute in frivolous way, ask questions insistently and wait until unfamiliar man asked about my purpose and took me some instructions.
Two hours of break I spend at the sunny Park. People were hurried for work and passed through the empty places with pathetic music and appearances. I sat at the cleaned square and could observe how museum workers greeted the street cleaner. White shiny snow and silence among old non-commercial buildings. I lost there and found a way through the technical park.