daily, scribbling

Silence day.

My silence day comes as no exam is tomorrow and I must pinch myself to take the textbook and look inside with boring obedience. Nonetheless, the day is great. It’s so sun and fresh everywhere. The remains of snow are no more than the slight notification about yesterday’s winter. Water splashes and sparkle around the roads. There are no woman in a hat – hot crowdy space of buses.fecf862aeb48372345ec244ad7da7eab


I do strange and routine thing – uploading films on the tablet. There are so little space for Civilisation and no space for “Genius of photography”. Maybe it’s good and I’ll have an opportunity to stop to consume and create more. There is time for learning the ways and time for passing the ways. I should focus on drawing next month anyway.

What it will be like? I don’t know but have some ideas for activity.

daily, reflection, senses, Uncategorized

Two days after the last exam

After damn running workout and the dynamic music in the headphones, after talking and doing impressions at shower I am here at the calm evening room. And despite the textbook and notes which are waiting for being revised at the other room I am here.


How do theory’s students manage to put everything into their mind and be coherent? To six p.m. I had already been done. It’s my usual time for such activity as parodising, jumping, dancing, talking and talking. I found out the pleasure of little acting. I mean making jokes fannier, going out of the routine type of dialogs to more alive and flexible. And recently I make melodies to break silence or declare the poems for the exam. Actually reading paragraphs aloud to someone is the great way to keep up with the content and be active.

Anyway this day was kind of torture for me. I should come back to the table again and again to revise the summaries. Keep calm and stay studying!

daily, reflection, senses

Excitement of spring

This sunny day I read the whole summaries of poetry and wrote the practise test.

After the dinner I went to the art centre. My new white coat\jacket was so pure and fashionable that I caught some views. There was puddles, ice and dirt everywhere.

I found my picture quiet fast and the gentle woman offered me to look at the exhibition. It was kind of usual exibition for that centre. Landscapes, still lives and academic like portraits. Sometimes I ask myself how could these people allow such pictures to be hung. It all shown me funny picture that nothing has really changed since Pushkin’s times. Maybe it’s not so condemn to live on painting and drawing but the tendency of earning is still the same.

At home I called to Anohin and knew that it was still possible to take part. When the picture was packed and me ready again I went out. People at the trolley bus looked at my pocket with curiosity.


I felt lots of things. Mostly the desire to keep up, to come back and keep up. Even though, it won’t be paid or financially supported I can percieve the gravity and need of art. I can actually percieve some responce to my harsh studying years. Despite I dislike that picture and the massage it has so far. My cold view and cinical attitude to traditional arts warmth though I still don’t believe it’s a future. The sense of value of visual arts and absolute meaningless of factual exhibitions (kind of art centre’s) came to me. And the clear idea that you can achieve something (or anything) if you honestly involved into your work and have an active social position simultaneously.

I do not do immediate purchases and my idea to buy some albums was planned. Planned or not it enjoyed much to have new materials and fresh desire to dive in.

daily, reflection, to improve

The last lesson of russian literature

The day begun with the question: go or not go to the study? Finally I got up, made exercises and ran out to the foggy streets. What refreshing exterior it is! Foggy Sunday morning! How calm and peaceful it is! The only desire at such moments is to stay outdoors and breath. But I conscientiously went to the uni.

The teacher declaired extracts from “Fathers and sons” with great artistry. We could imagine every little details and the whole drama. She made different voices and accents on some gestures. Some people are great actors. (How can I learn this?)

During the lesson as usual I observed a girl at the front table. This time she wore loose black jamper and long skirt with brown boots with fur. After the study I greeted her, asked silly questions. She began to told about the film she watched yesterday and the book. Something about rude language of non-russian writers. All the time I tryed to use my russian better, more subtle and weigh every word. I realized that it was a rare moment with a peer I felt the necessity of improvements. And this actually what I really like in connection. The sense of ability to do something better than before and willing to correct some skills. Regretfully, it could be the last time we met (but who know) as my exam at next Friday.

16.03.26 foggy day 054

Anyway, this another literature’s lesson shown me that my own skill of percieving fine arts is a bit straightforward, a bit scientifically pragmatical. Even though I still evade the status of bookish girl, my understanding and vision should be more clear and profound.

scribbling, senses

Some reflections on creating

The end of another day among papers and male writers. At the morning I considered something about weekly purpose and really tryed to focus. But then from time to time I checked Youtube again and again, went to drink another glass of water and breath hard about the general pessimism of literature.
All programm books for me are Pushkin, Tolstoy, plays and other sulky profound writings. Even thought I can feel, for example Esenin’s poetry is really gracious and deep, I still can’t agree with mood and phylosophy. It doesn’t depend on beauty of metaphors or writing method. I attitude to this quiet easy, only as a part of exam, not a biggest part of universe which I try to conflict with (I don’t).
Such slow days contradicts with the ideas I convey so often. I should come back to my own mind desirely and willingly get focus on main things. Now I allow to be distracked with any kind of network.
Today I hah a new call by the teacher in the college (Anohin). He told me some instructions about carrying my picture to the union. Nothing else. However, I again felt confused and turned back to studying past. I remembered again how hard I worked on this self-portrait and now it is hanged here and there. It reminded other mine pictures at the fund which I did with the same great struggle. And others heap of pictures I did rather automatically they were not evaluated and hadn’t value enough to be. Signs of need to work hard on what has meaning to you. And there are no illusions about outside influence or some coincidence, that’s all my own efforts and positive enthusiasm of some teachers and people.
It all makes me wish to create thing hard and perhaps feel so bored with the preparation to the toughest of the state exams. Anyway, I should keep up with the plan.

daily, scribbling, senses

Two white days before the first exam

The roads were dry and clear, they were almost ready for spring. Before we went to the balcony this morning and everything had been covered with show. And since the very morning it still has been snowing.


I went outdoors not because of free slot at the time table but of huge lack of concentration. I made stupid mistakes and yawned during the whole process of writing so called essay. The pathetic topics which are far away from the real questions started with How. Today I’ve catched myself automatically writing hackneyed phrases on moral issues. People, it doesn’t help to make pupils more ethical!

Many ideas for next three months rotate in my mind as a squirrel in the wheel. A bit fruitless I mean. Mom says I think not about that. But the process of preparation has already came to extreme point. But I begin to think that the whole life can be the process of going to one “exam” to another. Life will gone anyway. I wanna say that there is no reason to be cycled on exams.

scribbling, senses

Three spring days before the first exam.

Strange, but it remains only a few days before the exam and I don’t worry at all. I would say more I study less. As usual at the final track is much harder than the very beginning. I want to move forward right now. Study and create different things. As a result I can’t throw away my preparation, but waste a lot of time procrastinating and don’t actually do creative things.


So why do I not prefer to look at russian grammar and literature the last time for years? Essentially this is the great chance to remember the rules (I know them, don’t worry) and to brush up plots of literature. I will have a lot of time for walking and shooting at April, so I shouldn’t give up at the crucial moment. I did so quiet often and always had the same weak result. Remember the composition about symbols or water-coloured composition for graphics. It’s all visible.

So, no weakness, only stubborness and strengh. And I will be proud of myself as I’ll learn to overcome my soft spot. This is the point I should study, I mean staying on track in spite of unwillingness. There presume lots of stuggles which would be easier and better resolved with practice. Practice of persistance and self-organisation. I’m still the beginner at the organisation though know many clever phrases on this topic. What does really make me better organised is focus on the main points and the clear understanding of the reasons and the purposes. That is why I perhaps need to return to morning scribbling. I wrote in the notebook about different routine things which come to my mind instantly. It can be anything without limits or even grammar, style rules. Just stream of thoughts. This is another new point for April.