Some reflections on creating

The end of another day among papers and male writers. At the morning I considered something about weekly purpose and really tryed to focus. But then from time to time I checked Youtube again and again, went to drink another glass of water and breath hard about the general pessimism of literature.
All programm books for me are Pushkin, Tolstoy, plays and other sulky profound writings. Even thought I can feel, for example Esenin’s poetry is really gracious and deep, I still can’t agree with mood and phylosophy. It doesn’t depend on beauty of metaphors or writing method. I attitude to this quiet easy, only as a part of exam, not a biggest part of universe which I try to conflict with (I don’t).
Such slow days contradicts with the ideas I convey so often. I should come back to my own mind desirely and willingly get focus on main things. Now I allow to be distracked with any kind of network.
Today I hah a new call by the teacher in the college (Anohin). He told me some instructions about carrying my picture to the union. Nothing else. However, I again felt confused and turned back to studying past. I remembered again how hard I worked on this self-portrait and now it is hanged here and there. It reminded other mine pictures at the fund which I did with the same great struggle. And others heap of pictures I did rather automatically they were not evaluated and hadn’t value enough to be. Signs of need to work hard on what has meaning to you. And there are no illusions about outside influence or some coincidence, that’s all my own efforts and positive enthusiasm of some teachers and people.
It all makes me wish to create thing hard and perhaps feel so bored with the preparation to the toughest of the state exams. Anyway, I should keep up with the plan.

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