reflection, scribbling, senses, to improve

55be945bfc4bf99f4d6a4294e1dc1cf2It’s the midday of Thursday. It’s under a week before new Moscow epic. Yesterday I wasted my time utterly fruitless. That was a regular burst of ancient subcinsious fears and underestimation. I’ve got caught by the fixed mindset again! While I was rereading the quotes of the book (I mean Mindset) and felt how hard I really is to change your tune on the free and opened. I means the refusal from the most visible images which imaginery, society and education grow up. Again I want to be free out of the judgements and prejudice and just do what I love. I just need to comprehend that this is all my life and I can do what I prefer to do. Nor parents or background should restrain from the development. It’s silly. To say that I hate this enviroment is so easy but completely pointless in order of changing.

I just need to make order in my mind to go to Moscow with the clarity, courage and zeal.

daily, privite life, reflection, senses, to improve

Remember the old friend

Let’s begin with yesterday evening when I made mom sit down to let me draw her. We talked much about something and unnoticably remembered my best friend at the elementary school who graduates from the Moscow State Uni this time. I regreted that hadn’t gone to the music school. I was offered to enter as the mother of my friend was the director there. But I said straight no. I did so because of the real risk to compete with her and be kinda retarded friend. And mom would compare us and expect something from me. I thought that way and refused. But now I frankly regret that I was so silly and narrow-minded.
cd5280317dcb89db9f7599d70d8df5e4However, I couldn’t avoid the comparison even in that talk. There is something in her eyes which show me some .. you know something like “I’d like you to be the same successful as her”. I remember how she bought me the same chocolate as this girl’s parents bought to her with the intention to make me smarter. (Ha ha it was “snickers”)
I had laughed about people of my course trying to get round the awkward moment of comparison then. It is quiet visible. She graduates from the best Uni of the country while I prepare with effort to be applied.
This morning I opened the page of my state exams to know what’s result for English. It’s 80 out of 100. Little mistakes with listening and writing. Then I looked through the feed and found out that this school friend of mine had expected red diploma with the golden medal. Of course I was glad for her and congradulated.
After a few hours of boring learning of Russian nineteenth century art (which I greatly loved earlier) I couldn’t endure no more. Walking the same way I thought and felt that I terribly tired by mediocrity of the whole this life. It remains so little time before the exams and the hardest thing is to endure the boredom and routine way of preparation. I mean not the creativity but lack of connection and being at home the whole day. And the same time I know that being able to cope with it’s psychological hardship is a part of achieving goals.
I tryed to get an answer on question how she managed that all. And my answer lies in self-confidence, well rounded condition, good enviroment and the clear vision. My coursemate at the collage who turned out to live next door to her scolded her and called arrogant and goal oriented. Another one who went to tennis with her avoided to be called a part of her surrounding. But we were the best friends four years and just connected a few years more.
I still do not know why mom’s reaction or the fact itself distracked me. I know that I need better social enviroment and some more close people. I need to stay strong inside and no repeat mistakes.

daily, reflection, senses

In process

Frankly, studying is hard. The sense of time distorts and I perceive it like endless evening with no beginning or end. The knowledge is never enough and after a few hours of close attention I’ve began to deserve drawing and painting. I wanted to move out of the room, to breathe summer air and have all nice things of the season. However, I manage this all good. Topics have many links with each other and unwillingly I repeat or know old things better.

c26b149f328e5f3df25913fb7301b0bdThere was so great pleasure to read about Stalin’s skyscrapers. Immediately I’d wished to go inside and watch from the highest point at the whole city. Architecture is so exciting and imaginative subject. It makes stories look real. After looking through the Senate of Moscow Kremlin I could imagine the presidential routine much much better. And how fun it could be to observe “the big fishes” in daily working life. I can’t bear it from myself that my interest in high privileged sort of people is much bigger than in common people. All their weakness and strength have an effect on huge number of people.

Nonetheless, the day has only began and I have some more challenges for today. It is clear that I need more creative “exercises” as my vision becomes good structured but not flexible by the regular study of history.

daily, privite life, senses

Friendly evening

Yesterday I met with Nastya. That was a busy day with the painting and purchases as well as printing Nastya’s portfolio. I’d been in rush with editing her file as it was distracted by other windows version. However it was strange and nice to see her at the other side of the road. She was at the new fashionable t-shirt and had the cheap red headphone round her neck. I was bold to embrace her and broke the wall of coldness.

She started to talk immediately and immediately it had turned out to chaos. We didn’t talk in narrative, gradual way. That was rather the emotional burst of random things and facts from the recent life. I managed to know that she’s going to apply MA program at the other institute of SPb. And it does not concern to theatre. It’s decorative arts. Having read the book about the student life and student’s motivation her approach to the study seemed to me quiet terrible. Though I couldn’t say so. I can’t say that the described reactions of her coursemate are childish, naive or ignorant.

Sometimes I clearly feel that the so-called “creative” people or it’s better to say people from creative fields aren’t the sort of people I want to connect with. Of course it can be the little world of Nastya’s study and SPb youth culture. I said her this and she’d reacted unpleasantly, not understanding me fully. Her amazement with improvements and constructions at the center was huge but I couldn’t share it. As I see it the crisis punched on the face of shops and street decoration. It’s rather disorder than beauty.

Basically she talked really much, I couldn’t speak without being interrupted all the time. Sometimes I found out myself on not paying enough attention to her words. I felt she’s from the chaotic world of young and uncertain. We are different. And I often feel that I’m a practical pragmatic beside her. So, I know that I sing, dance and play most of the spare time.

However, we could enjoy talking about exercises on acting and grimacing different reactions.

At the end of the evening she said people will wait for her at eight. She went with me to the stationary’s store and thought to get me at the bus and go to her other friends. But I was bold to try the acting exercise right then. I did the impression of a resentful person. And I was going to join them and get fun with them. So she believed I intended to. It was so fun when she said that I finally got bold. So we understood each other and she enjoyed my sense of humour one more time. We went to the destination I greeted her classmates (whom I actually know) made some more jokes and went to the bus stop.


Such light days seem so endless and timeless that I hardly can figure out how could it happen to become six pm. Everything points out on the midday, sun, heat, calmness at the flat.
However, today I managed to begin the self-portrait and prepare the new sheet for the storyboard. During the painting I distracked myself much, I danced with music and tryed to sing (unfamiliar song). There was an utter habitual of process which made me feel bored and a bit recklessness. I took the big brush as the academics do and soon got that I had been painting with the big brush for two years before changing the manner. Yes, it’s clear that the whole situation was too comfortable for being interesting. And the whole decision to deviate from the old track looked reasonable and right again.
The second part of the day was filled with the reviews on the war films and biography of Eisensteine and Mikhalkov. It was such a strange feeling of watching trailers in educational way. However, it was nasty to read political and social accidents with Mikhalkov. How the person can be so greedy and make good films the same time? On the other hand Eisentein seemed me very cultural person of enlightenment. Comparison isn’t suitable.
Mom came early to record the discs. This is why there is nonstop tv films at the drawing room and unnatural sense of weekend. She talked much by cellphone on the subject of taxation and rent for businessmen. While she talked I could see that she was really enjoying explaining laws and orders to her friend. The dream to be a lawyer emerges to show the alternative better mom.


Details of Tuesday

The regularly days like this are coloured with little details and inner attempts to keep up with everything.

At the very morning I noticed not local people near by the stadium and at the track. It seemed to me that they are foreign but later I read that the coming athletic competition is national one. It was strange hearing the comments on the doping case and to see the athletes by my own eyes. Someone could shame me as I’ve never been at any athletic competition though our town is famous for its good organisation. And I live near to both central stadiums.

It was nice to hear the children quarreling at the yard (the delights of summer), they actually talked like adults do. The one accused another in regular treating of everyone. It was made with such temperament and self-confident that I could only amaze. But it was more remarkable than. He finished his indictment with the final phrase: I study better than you! The other boy responded with the synchronic phrase which made the first much more expressive. He insisted with words: I am right! You’re not! The other reflected repeating his phrases instantly. (Can you imagine this?!)

-I am right! You’re not!

-I am right! You’re not!

-I am right!! YOU’RE NOT!

Then the first made great and offered to play in silence.

That scene is the great illustration for most of the adult quarrels. People don’t mature by age they just get older. The real adults do not accuse they rather question and try to understand why they feel bad about something (relationship, situation, behaviour etc). Children are a clear mirror of adults’ psychology. They don’t afraid to say that they actually think about the situation and practically push the competitor away of the playground. In the world of adults it looks a bit differently. But don’t you see how fun it is?

daily, reflection, scribbling, senses

Saturday at work

Yesterday was so crappy day that I have no spirit and order in my mind to write something down. I worked the whole day at the trade center as mom went to the country’s cemetery on the pentecost. It was so boring and labouring, I was a bit upset to sit there with the radio music on the background while I get behind my preparation schedule. I mean that instead of one question for this sunny day I have seven. That was a main reason of my sadness. However, I tried to read the needed articles and had even managed to read up eight page out of thirteen for ten-hour of work. Ingeniously!

Nonetheless, there were some interesting moments with different people. Basically I’d already been tired by deep ignorance and ugliness of people. I see clearly how they are powerless in front of the typical lifestyle problems. To begin with the order in the wallet and finish with the order in the mind. They often can go for shopping without certain intention but the dull desire to waste money. So, there are always people who should complain much more because of some incompetence of mine.

3aebe9db2f06222c80cc0635aceaf286The grinding and unpleasant sense of shame came to me after printing the application forms for getting UK passport. The customers were a local woman with the girl and her foreign husband who was maybe turkish. I knew that such things exist but always respected and prefered to look at people who move on because of the job or education. I’ve got the whole picture of this social group which makes things happen and shakes the world.

The other point which I considered on was the integration of virtual reality into real life and art particularly. I have almost no answers as it concerns to future but touched with the dangers. Soon we can lose the sense of verge between real and virtual. The films and internet are becoming even more close to reality that we can forget which experience was ours and which we got out of the artworks or internet society. And the internet environment itself affects the health of brain as well as cellphones with huge number of notifications and all time news feed. There is too much information to stay smart and able to analyse it. Can people totally become sillier and more dependant on technologies?

Recently I have many questions on how the society works and what is human being by nature. I do (did) believe that people are kind by nature but then they are distorted by social pain. And now I ask either it is true or people are vicious since the very beginning? Questions, questions.

Today is sunny hot weekend and we’re up to the cemetery after brunch.