The shower has ended and the air outside the house is fresh and wet. It’s still no one but me at the flat that’s why I can write and speak freely.
The whole day had been going on really bad. I don’t know either the lack of light and area for painting the self-portrait or the grandmom’s presence and comments did distrack me. But the fact is that when I came back from the short walk and returned to the storyboard I was in great fury. The ideas, paper, pencils, the need to adhere to the requirments and the strange huge desire to know exactly where is the best place for studying directing – all that made the picture of angry and emotional me. I hate such kind of people who talk about mood and inspiration for work and don’t do anything but wait for the proper moment. And maybe the percieve of me being like them aggravated me even more.
I couldn’t restrain my anger about the messy flat with lots of rubbish and not proper spirit. I couldn’t be sitting no more. The truth is that I need a normally active life with lessons, meets, trips etc. To the fourth course I had already got across the idea that I cannot spend most of my time in four walls in front of the canvas. You look inside youself too often too deep and don’t speak enough with real people. Someone different would rebel much earlier than me. I need tennis workouts, consulting with teachers, real English lessons to say nothing about goings out.
Moreover, I consciensly postpone many meaningful for me things. I don’t write down my ideas properly because I know if I begin I won’t be able to stop. Nonetheless, I can’t say I draw enough, I do it rather by obligation than by the real intention. But it doesn’t work as a mechanical task. And I do it badly. The discipline does not work for me at all, the all self-organisation I had at the study was a result of the burning desire to create. Now I consider rather rationally than creatively. And have it’s yields.
The chamber arts include the soul-searching and sufferings. I had already comprehended and refused of this. Everytime I paint or draw I turn on some easy to watch film and listen the speech. Because it’s so gloomy and sad to work in complete silence.
However, I should switch on the positive thinking and resolving the problems not complaining about them. I know how easy it is to change the tune of your inner voice and how influential the physical behaviour is.