Though this week is my little vacation today I went to work instead of mom – she was invited to the countryside to enjoy summertime.

Since I came from Moscow, it has become strange for me to be a part of the family. I have to talk while I need to do exercises or think up the daily plan. Time transforms into short pauses between connections or distractions.  Also I feel both irritation and pleasure to be asked about my days as well as to wait for mom to watch some film (yesterday “The reader” S.Daldry 2008). Such  little drawbacks of home life.

But today I had to work again and without any idea or desire to know what it was like all previous times. It is easy to forget that the world actually is full of unintelligent “adults”. Their world is like a hole in the ground with comfortably narrow point of view on the outer world of technological and social movements. That is always a shame to teach mid-aged person to close the clap of the camera or to ask two boys of twenty to look photo up at the file manager and got that they’d never heard such phrase – file manager. Twice or more I tried to explain to a woman that there is no properly black and white photos in the world and when you photo old ones its will definitely get another tint. And I got some data about her excellent degree and background in childhood education. There was no surprise in her silly behaviour but in my nervous condition which I tryed to relieve.

Moreover, I found out that it is hard for me now to be polite as a service stuff and endure neglectful attitude of strangers. I do really afraid of this business as it doesn’t seem to prosper in advance and the main clients are people out of Facebook era.

I looked after printers and tried to sort out my Evernote the same time. That all was boring as usual. At the way home my mind was full of radio pop-music and terrible amateur photos. I do not condemn people who cannot compose a picture or plan purchases but I feel that I need different.


Course mates at the picnic

Yesterday barbecue was nice. At the morning I refreshed the institute’s site too often to say I was calm. There was some tint of general tiresome and sullen mood. However, I looked better than usual in white outfit. I followed the girls at the market while I tumbled at them among vegetables. I embraced with Jane who looked as usual stylish and natural. And it seemed that she was really glad to see me as well as other girls. There were Nastya H., Katya (with new haircut), Helen with her brother and Masha. The process of purchase was a bit chaotic but had its final with a few bottles of wine, vegetables, fruits and other meal.

As they begun little earlier I wasn’t aware of what’s going on and couldn’t take part immediately. I found out that I had no idea of picnic’s necessities and how to organise eight people with purchases and two cars. During the road me and Nastya H. talked about the news among the college’s people. In a moment we’d been at the other republic on the other side of the river Volga. The mountains of sand and high trees.

I couldn’t control the process, it went on by itself. The Helen’s brother cooked, girls cut the vegetables and watermelon which we ate immediately. Talks were short and distant. I found out that the present habit to make photos and catch the frame faded away and I needed to force myself for doing something. There were wine and bear, bees and wasps. Chaos of disposable tableware and swipe.

We played badminton and I was terrible in that game despite all my tennis background. I have no justification. I still feel like an outsider at the school gym. After lots of meat and wine we played Crocodile, Mafia. Then we changed a place and played as two teams. That was a terror of unsportsmanlike. That was cold and windy when we counted money whole half of an hour. Colours of sun and grass were removed with blue veil of rain. I was so exhausted by sun, meat, plays, talks that the way back to the car was hard and freeze.

Mom called when I was standing by the car, she told that everything was OK. The way home I slowly downloaded the rating and looked through it. I am eighth which means that I will study on the commercial basement but I certainly will. Happy and tired I got to the center with messy feelings.

Fast turn

So, finally I got myself in front of the computer screen. This day actually was almost free, but I felt quiet busy and stressed just because of the habit.

Let’s start with the fact that now I’m at home. My plan was to stay at Moscow a few days more but mom insisted on passing the exam at the local university and I came.

That day was so emotional. I got up early and slowly went to the institute for the last exam – interview. The weather was so grey that I cheered myself up by stating that the grey weather was much better for exam situation as it was really calm. And it made me really happy. The street and the institute itself were so empty that one moment I thought that it was a mistake. But no, there were people with notebooks at the corridor. I found out what was going on and passed to the first group of applicants. However, it took time.

The studio which was opened for us to revise notes was full of easels and stools. The girls read their summaries with great earnest. The whole situation reminded me the literature exam at the college and I didn’t like it. Instead of time among the gigling girls I stayed at the corridor where air seemed to me more fresh. My mind was too focused and relaxed the same time for talking about nothing. But I did it with Nastya Ch.

The examination room was white and good lighted, actually that was no more than the studio with the tables instead of easels. The questions were mixed in common mess and I was confused by it. The last year they devided these by the departments, now it was the heap. I took one and it turned out to be one with animation question. I sat down with the blank for notes.

Nonetheless, while I was sitting many other applicants talked on different topic and I got that there was a chance to win by the common education. When the summary was done (incomplete and unclear) I knew that’s finish. I didn’t understand how that happened but I easily jumped above questions and talked much about things I knew (Van Gogh’s biography, colours’ symbolism) Of course they caught me on the ingnorance in the russian animation. I didn’t watch and actually have no desire to watch classic films. And my childhood was full of Dysney products rather than local. However, it seemed fine and we passed to Production Design. I told about Aronin and Mikhalkov’s films maybe too emotional for being called logical. That was clear adrenaline and pleasure to hear something about War&Peace BBC production. I said good bye and went out.

I laughed and exclaimed in pleasure, talked to other girls in a rush, got aquanted with one costume designer and was waiting for Nastya to come to the park and eat some ice-cream together. But when she got out she didn’t talk with anyone, took her bag and fastly directed to the stairs. She was in tears and hardly spoke about the unlucky question, cold approach of teachers and her ignorance in thrillers and architecture. I tryed to relief her with jokes and my high spirit, with my vague situation and unfair mark for the second tour. (This is the other painful story)

At the park we discussed the new films and our impressions by acting. Then I led her to the centere where we had a brunch. She talked too much but after some time I could see the light in her nature. Something strange and distorted, some desire to be right as well as habit to be laughed at, to be awkward and odd. I left her at the New Arbat Avenue and went to the hostel.

The rest of the day I spend at the Vorobyevy’s hills. There were so much water and trees and calm people around. That was some concert at the stadium near and sounds were omnipresent. Frankly, I didn’t think or reflect much, my mind jumped throught the ideas I could say at the interview or it was empty at all. Quiteness was so suitable for me then but the same time so boring. To the moment I came to the MSU main building I had already been bored. Of course, at the viewpoint I tryed to feel some like or dislike to the town but couldn’t percieve enough emotions in general.

The MSU building, park and especially the sport pitches impressed me more. People had workouts at the tennis courts and running tracks. The back yard was full of cars which would ride out to the sunset. I wanted to play tennis then rather than just wonder around the park.

I hardly managed to go to the hostel and drink some tea. And then it had been started. Mom called and we was to decide either go home then or avoid the exam. She hesitated and called me so often that I was irritated by her indecision. That was night when I tryed to reserve the bus ticket, went to the bookstore for the textbook and to the grocery for snatch. Then fastly and smart I packed the suitcase talking and gigling the same time with girls. They were so friendly and opened.

The next morning I woke up the first at the room, took my buggage and called taxi. Then, you know, there were magnificent sunny roads of Sunday Moscow and taxi rider from the near to my hometown. Again it was badly organised but I could read the textbook with the earplugs.

Almost done. II tour drawing

So, it’s heavy shower outside. The hostel is tranquil as any place under the rain. The warm light of lamps at the empty quite corridors with dark grey colour of weather. I did exercises at the drawing room which was really strange as nobody were to do it too. I made and ate breakfast alone as I was the first person at the obscure kitchen without a window. While eating I unwillingly remember that such square meal is the remain of UK trip. We did eat almost the same way, the only difference was toasts with jam or butter.
However, this is the great morning of rain I have many words to type and say. But basically it concerns to institute and the character of applicants as well as teachers. Yesterday while drawing the head I was considering either feeling so uncomfortable and unhappy there is good or it is just a part of unpleasant process of exams and people around. Sometimes I even have a panic (yes, with plain face) that it’s not absolutely my way. Though I know it’s ok to doubt I can notice that I force myself to go to the insitute rather than fly there zealously. There are many new ideas which came during this time. Printing books and devise the concept, making sketchbooks, shooting music videos, painting studies, English stuff, writing essays etc.
But the general situation at the institute is going good for me. One girl went the distance and took her documents out just because of the idea of bad drawing and painting. Nice for me, shame for her. To my own manners with other applicants, it is rather removed and shallow. It would be interesting to mix with a few girls but I don’t want to combine the competition and relationships. It is much easier when you do not know people and move in own direction.
I had been sitting at the hall for a few minutes longer as I texted Mary. She couldn’t go out with me then and I comforted myself with the lonely way to the station. But Nastya Ch. was waiting for me downstairs. Such moments I get that I do not understand something crucial. It is so torturous to hear her narrow-minded replies. Maybe my dislike is the result of the contrast between her enthusiasm about animation and my motivation’s slack. The relief was reading of “Make it stick” the rest of the road.
Today, it will be a miraclous day as we are to draw a nude model and this is almost the last day of the practical exams.

The last day of painting

I could complain about almost everything at the institute. To begin with the discipline of the models and finish the attitude to human beings of the teachers. It was psychologically hard to overcome. The dullness of models in combination with the basic limitation of the applicants plus neglectful approach of the painting teacher (I amaze how he managed to become a manager). The way there I had already suffered from the talk with Nastya. She unsuitably asked me questions like “What does it all mean if I reckon photography the better way to convey images?” It was like talking with the utter old-fashioned person who doesn’t have Instagram account and has no idea about modern shifts in visual media. Almost all talks were dull.
Let me explain why. The so called creative people often have their own view on everything but they have no scintific tools for judging about this everything adequately, they use clever phrases to support their simple ideas. To my opinion, the first sign of a silly person is the utter self-confident in their position. Clever people doubt and opened to the new information and ideas. That people are fun but increadebly limited in their view. Moscow is like Cheboksary. The map of interests and vision is Moscow plus suburbs, like Cheboksary. There was no difference in speech, approach and understanding. Life which has place only here and now even with all pathetic words about human mortality. That all looked and sounded like a pose of domestic local people.
I shriveled everytime the boy quoted Soviet films which I could not recognise as you may imagine. But I remembered and was excited my the production design of “101 dolmatins” and Sherlock’s last series. And actually I had had the perfect morning after the vebinar. There was enough time for writing and making up my mind, there were a little people at the kitchen, enough coffee and sweets as well as cold shower and workout. I listened the political programm at BBC en route and felt like a completed person. That was clear magic of shining morning, green trees and British news. There was something in the air.

2 tour, painting.

That was really strange that the neighbour turned on the conditioning and predicted the hot night and then I woke up at the clearly grey morning. There were all signs of storm outside. The only person who amazed was me, others cleaned everything up, swept streets and removed branches. I run at the park and one moment a crowd of martial students run me down. I had such moments only here. Happily I returned to the hostel and did everything calm.
The way to the institute was a bit unusual. The shop was closed at the late morning and I had to pass the construction again. Then I discovered how old the subway really is. The train on the red line stopped three times between four stations, doors squeaked and there was noise pollution all the time. I saw it but didn’t noticed as something archaic.
The workshop as I found it the first minute I came was in mess: stools, easels and stands were placed chaotically on the dirty black floor. The next amazement was the set. I turned the head and saw the woman sitting on the background of nothing. Colours were not harmonious and this is the reason why my first intention was to change it. I almost said something about too light drapery at the stool when I’d pinched myself to stay a humble applicant but not a self-confident no one. There was no difference in viewpoint so I fastly set the easel and removed stuff outside my place. Then the other boy had to replace his easel near to me and also he cleaned the remained rubbish at the corner. And everyone could walk and see the black floor at the workshop.
The process itself was fascinating and hard the same time. I noticed one difference in my approach. Earlier I based painting on dark colours, shadows and had problems with clear light, now I foundate at the light bright colours and cope with shadows. But as I did not really painted the whole year that was a bit hard to stay on previous level.
To be honest, I was irritated and had dark thoughts about everything around me. It was like in Sherlock “Anderson, you lower IQ of the whole district”, the social enviroment seemed me childish and that boy – pathetic. To my mind, they all had no idea of academic painting and how to do it. But I see it from my point of view and I can overlook something without.
I was really happy to leave the art department, look at the books on the second floor and meet Nastya at the escalator. Time passed so fast that I managed only to cook something, call mom, write this and watch really inspiring vebinar on education opportunities. Let’s be frank, now in front of insignificant reality I forget about the purposes and main desires. I should stay myself and consider this all as an investment in future. However, I feel that my patience in doing right things is limited and I need real creativity.

In spite of so active learning morning which I spend at the half empty library this day is boring.
I went out the hostel in the other suit and felt beautiful. Compliments by workers and political news at the radio. The town flew away out of the window and I regretted that there was so little English in my life then. Moscow time as any time without normality force me to leave English things undone and this is why I feel a bit not fulfilled. It’s like something wrong, something out of control. Moreover, it takes me the sense of stillness. Evidently, I need projects to do, knowledge to get, skills to develop and basically framed life.
I remember that Masha said about people who lose themselves at Moscow. I can imagine how they manage it. You just feel a bit tired by the numerous quantity of everything around. The endless fair begins to irritate fastly and you want to wrap youself at the comfort zone of books and films. I sit at the bookstore quite often. Today I was reading my non-fiction there.
Nonetheless, I noticed that Moscow people actively read and buy books and I want to do this too. Actually, I bought the book “The sweetest dream” By D.Lessing when I got the news about my mark for the first tour. That day I found out the new bookstore which seemed me a bit cheaper but still full of anything you like. At this street today I went to the bookstore of the Higher school of economic where the bags and t-shirts sold as good as notebooks and books on international exams. What a pity to be logical not buying their goods.
It is the painting exam tomorrow and I’m going to sleep.

Monday, the second tour.

So, it is a very productive and kind of happy Monday.
I’d been sleeping well the whole night (thanks earplugs) and woke up at time. The workout was good but not exellent, I run only two kilometers on the near streets and looked at the American embassy once again. People were sleeping that time and roads were remarkably empty.

Undoubtedly, it was physically hard to carry the art stuff and two canvas with the palette. At my station the sky was noticably big and opened, trees smelled like, you know, trees, real things. I entered the entrance hall at nine and had to wait until nine fourty. The girls talked about different points of the entrance process. I heard them and recieved that my own attitude is in the course of work. I thought clearly that this is the study time and as usual I would paint the still life and everything after. And this really helps me to focus on the work itself.
We got at the fourth floor late and had no surprise by not ready for work easels. The still life was set beautifully. At the first glumpse it seemed absolutely green and yellow but deep in the process I found out that it had more pink and blue tunes than it seemed. I was absorbed with the painting and didn’t feel tired as it was at the composition. Immediately it became much easier to breath and smile thought the Master didn’t come to me personally and didn’t marked me. As usual many ideas came to my mind and enlighted that time. However, to the end of time I’d felt some tiredsome and hungriness. “Not new struggle” – thought I and continued.
After packing and washing, I met Nastya Ch. by the notice board where she was amazing some people’s marks. I washed hands at the Photography’s floor and went to the canteen. It is the big enough room, with stucco moulding and chandelier. A few rows of tables where more or less interesting people sitted, refreshments at one corner and meal at the other. I took something with meat and payed not so little as it should be at the student canteen. It was basically nice to be inside such creative area.
It was sun and fresh at the center, I happily went to the library to learn history. But sometimes I should remember again that not libraries, not museums work at Mondays. Yes, I went down the beautiful cheerful street instead of study. The construction at the New Arbat is almost done and we can see the empty field of concrete.
So, I am to study some more topics for the interview which I want to pass fun and great the same time.

The first day of exams. Composition.

So, these three days went away. Maybe that was the hardest part of the exam process and I certainly should record it here timely because now it all seems far away from the present moment. However, I try.
It was a rush morning of friday: I couldn’t fell asleep the whole night and the moment the alarm clock rang I got up like a troop. Then I run even less than usual. At the undergroung it was noisy and crowdy but I closed my eyes to find an axes inside. The entrance of the institute was crowded with lots of applicants, I went by them easily and upstaired. At the hall girls sharpened their pencils, so did I. Though it was simple to stay calm outside the nervious enviroment, I felt some stress at the crowd in front of the door. It was stupid by them to orginise us that way (it’s a different kind of talk) I was the only person with salad and cardboard. Moreover it was physically hard to keep everything in hands we found out the workshops not ready for work. Can you imagine this? Time was up, but we had to spend it on removing easels and stools. So, I shouldn’t be criticital about them. While I set the workplace the Master asked me all the information about education and that was the only thing which he said me.
The process itself was hard for me. I tryed to modify the habits into the “new” demands: to show mood, light and shadow, interior, exterior. I’d chosen the theme “Interesting job” and didn’t realised that understood it ironically while they meant it seriously. This is why (and because they asked to base on own observations) I drawn the post office’s routine, slowness of fishermen at the ice, boredom at the electronic store but dynamic of tennis player. I did that all in a rush without real breaks or dinner, without noticing other people. However, the teacher who came there so often distracked me a bit. I remember that at the college we all began to mix colours instead of real painting while the teacher was behind. Even the toilet pauses were short and nervious. To the end of the time I was persuaded that my sheet was terrible. I saw just one of other people but strained myself.
The way back Nastya Ch. talked hyped-up. I couldn’t keep up with her energy level. I went to the Tretyakovskya and ate my salad at the bench. I remember how sadly my thoughts was. Gloomy I was going on the road in search of coffee or cake to relieve myself. But at once it showered and the option of the underground seemed me great.
At the Moscow Book Store it was the book presentation. The literator who was to come (Dmitry Bykov) was known to me by his literature lectures and horrific likeness with my dad. I was sitting there again and just observe clearly Moscow people: girl with real Moschino coat but speaking culturally and some guys showing off with some connections. However, I was sitting there again, but quiet upset and frozen. He was late ten minutes but appeared in the crowd with a book in hand as he had just bought it. He seemed an ordinary man in shorts and windbreaker, more grey haired than on public photos. His manners looked drowsy while the voice sounded vital.
The talk was wide, he touched the points of the Internet, revolution as a surgery, about new generation ahead and the hardship of making career in the present situation. It was fun, educating and sometimes vague for me (without literature education). I couldn’t make out who are that authour they were speaking about. I went out at the beginning of autograph session as I wasn’t to buy and read the book.
The air was more fresh as it had been after the meeting with Pozner. I ate the soap at the cafe and was totally inspired for everything ahead.

Day before the beginning

Yes, it’s time. It is a shower outside and the neighbours are here. I cannot understand how people live like this for years.
For me this day began late, I went for run at nine thirty. My routine road to the pond was fresh. I run there even more fast than usual. There were many runners and dog-bredders. I observed the group of garbage-collectors who were just talking at the bench and the people at the boat who cleaned the whole pond from the green algae. A girl with a vup of coffee was wondering around and the woman was read the fat book. However, it showered at my last round. The way back I did long. I run to the upscale cafe, to the strange neo-gothic building where I was banished from. At the hostel I did all things which I was dreaming about the whole time under the rain.
I didn’t want to go out and do something special. That was some different kind of lazziness as some form prediction from being crammed and tired. However I went out and directed the Kremlin. By the way I recognised some streets and buildings again. That became easier to orginise mind map. But basically I felt boredom and tiredness by that wandering. I visited GUM and the bookstore Moscow but my desire to buy some book (there are many reading people) and my pragmatic mind didn’t blend together.
I was passive and a bit sad while the way to the institute. There I tryed to alarm quickly and ask questions. That was another situation to the last year. They talked everything in very detail with jokes and answers on questions. Of course, I could critise them by something but basically that was what they are. I can’t accuse them in this. And frankly I don’t want to think about this now.
I found out Nastya quickly and we went out. We turned the corner and saw window outside which it was shower. We waited some time and knew that we both applied to the local uni just in a case. Later it became more and more burdensome to lead the conversation with her. She wants to look better, cleverer and generally more sly than she is. And it’s boring to try to guard my confidence and way of life. To say simple, I feel old beside her.
Let it be.