This day was a strange and common one. I woke up early enough but was slow and sluggish. This is why when I directed to the park it began showering. Such a shame to go forward and back in front of the EMERCOM students. I did some exercises, made the plate of muesli with coffee which I ate at the working table. Then it were hours of research for buying a laptop.
At the midday I put things in the bag, did make-up and wore the autumn jacket with the collar. Everything was like I live in my own flat. During the way to the underground I texted to Nastya who had just arrived and couldn’t find the hostel. I felt some triumph of early preparation and awareness. I could imagine how she would manage with the terrible living conditions at study time.
The weather was windy but with sunshine from time to time. People wore jackets as I did. Summer officially had ended the moment I hung up the collar.
Sasha was waiting for me at the station. We embraced as we both were happy to see each other. I talked much and with lots of emotions about previous days while we were looking for a drug store. Then we went to the cafe where white collars drunk coffee and tea. I liked the place a lot while she couldn’t make out why the common coffee shop was so pathetic. We took rolls and tea which seemed me worthless. The news she had was about the new internship at St.Petersbourg which she won. Another news was that she got a boyfriend from the school and he was going to SPb too but for a job. Life’s going on.
Basically she was slow and ill. There were a few long pauses between talks which we couldn’t avoid though I tried. We raised at the viewpoint at the trade center and observed the center. The meet was nice, friendly, light and hopeful but at the exit she excuses herself and rode away for recovering. I left alone at the beautiful day at the city center.
Touristic zone were quite touristic, good decorated and full of entertainments. The Alexander’s garden became clear and regular. But I didn’t know what to do. The trade center was so crowdy that there is no surprise in my confusion first time. I went to look at the laptops at the Trubnaya. One time the indicator went out a bit and the alarm went off. The way back I bought the covers for the notebooks and scissors.
However, my mind became more clear because of the walk. I saw that there is little time and absolutely no time for bad emotions. I want to do things not to be sad about them.
At the lift I called to Nastya to ask about her progress and found out that she had already been here. I raised to her room and saw the surprising picture. Everything was ok. She had not to clean up, remove stuff, buy everything. They have the microwave oven, slow cooker, refrigerator and the general reconstruction. New doors and floors as well as clear new bathroom. There is more area for living in comfort. I sat in some shock and not understanding how this all works. She was so light and merry about her replacement which I could not compassion. There is an evident random injustice which makes the social picture of residents not so happy, it creates gaps between the floors. I have already feel that I don’t like people in budget. Democracy in my mind can’t get it.
BUT. It is not what I should think about. It is easy to forget the main purpose and I must remember the aim of this all.
So, here we are. The teapot is boiling at the dressing room while I’m here look at the unconstructed mirror. The next door neighbour went away and I can listen to music without being heard.
Let’s begin with yesterday. At the late morning I went out for a run at the nearby park. That was a sunny place full of positive green light. The round shadows led on the plain lawn and curving paths. The way led by the little local river at the forest. Perfect place for run: earthy paths and natural environment. I was careful near the dogs and curious by another unknown way.
At the hostel there was a quiz which I haven’t still unraveled. It is the setting the Wi Fi hotspot which is for some reason disable. I spend hours banging my head against the wall without any result. I did tiny stuff like installing proper apps and regulating my money transfers. Then I explored the IKEA site for needed goods. The site itself was user-friendly and there was not any problem to find something.
The same time I tried to orginise walk with Nastya, she texted me the day before and we had agreed to meet. After I got data about the shortest way and possible cafes for sitting she called me to say she didn’t manage to have time for going out. She said she was to the train without time off. Of course, I wasn’t happy about that and even was not pretending to be. I felt like I forgot another new time to get plan B. But I made it up quickly.
I decided to go to IKEA for a purchase. After all the stir I was wondering how could I expect the distances hometown like and how did I manage to be so brave to undertake it.
The first minibus was late and I went to the next bus stop to save some time. But at that moment mom called me and while I couldn’t check the direction my minibus drove past me. The next one passed so quickly that I had to run to take it. That could be the last challenge but no. We were riding to the strange end station with the different title. I asked the driver but he said it was that.
In some shock I found myself at the railway station with one ticket service and a few electronic terminals. After roaming around and looking at the announcements with schedule and prices I paid with trembling hand for one ticket to Khimki. The controler was lying at the stool and rudely commanded me to check my ticket at the gates. Have you ever felt so unconfident, had so much inner doubts how I had while going in the electric train with other passangers. I was sitting in great anxiety like a little naive girl with my light fabric bag and the small notebook with the one page instruction. The poor musian played some melody like a soundtrack for a little trip to Moscow suburbs. The typical buildings were fading away replaced with garages and constructions.
However, common people live there, at the periphery of the big city. How shame it must be! It is like being an outsider. I ought feel like they may if our republic be a suburbs of Kazan. It’s clearly terrible to not to be a part of the centre of something.
The train stopped at the clear town with cuddly park by the lake. And I again was wondering to and fro in search of the proper bus stop. Some girls specified the direction and I found it out fast enough. Everything there was a bit provincial. Messy banners, small shops. But at the same time there are the big new houses with I presume good flats for people. The way through the town was the longest part of the trip. It stopped by the big market with lots of shops and food court. Everything at one place.
I’d never been at IKEA before and that was strange for me to find some locals speaking on phone and sitting at the exhibitional chair or friends talking to each other at one bed. That was basically fun to sit at the English chair myself and to touch all thing at the bathroom. In spite of crowdy area I wasn’t in rush. I couldn’t allow myself so waste time reflecting by the curtains and wardrobes though they all were nice. I did regret that my mom wasn’t with me as she would enjoy such purchase. I had many doubts about a bedspread but then I took it. My first mat is from there too and it is a little blue one. There was a long talk with mom about the lost umberella and a proper type af lamp. I did enjoy describing things and talking to someone. To the cash I had been tired and worried about the way back.
The trick was that I hadn’t enough cash for buying tickets on transport and I had to find ATM. While doing that I ate the terrible new spicy roll at McDonalds and had a little burst of chill into my head. I had a ticking panic inside my mind as it was late, I hadn’t cash and couldn’t find ATM. But of course there was the information service which really helped me. At the bus stop (I afraid to sit at the wrong bus too) there hung a scheme of transport’s ways which made everything clear.
People were almost like at the hometown, same family talks and youngsters’ calls to friends at Moscow. I went down at the railway station which had then been terrible. There were dark nooks and unfriendly light of the ticket service. The platform itself stayed at the darkness. The light panel shown the wrong data. The train hadn’t came in time, not earlier, not later but at the middle of two appointments. Even being inside the old carriage I was worrying about the right train and the right way. But that was right. I got off the train at Ostankino – one woman asked another is it already Leningradskay.
The station was empty and dark. Yes, empty dark station with one young girl with a bag of purchases. There were no transport, no signs. In panic I crossed the road and turned on the map. Yes, I was wrong, the way back should led before the Leningradkaya. The moment after I bursted out with anger to my own inaccuracy a minibus rode to the station. That was mine minibus. In panic to not to take it I run. With two bags and the cellphone in hand I was running while immediately I fell down. Yes, my shoelaces do they job when it’s mostly unexpected. I went in cursing the boots and rubbing the knees which hurt. Fast enough I came to the hostel and found out that my elbow was bleeding, my cellphone got the scratch and the box for eyelenses broke on two parts. Yes, hasty climbers have sudden falls.
The rest of the evening I couldn’t relax and opened all purchases. The lamp and bedspread as well as the watches and the pad made the room more intimate. Nonetheless, I couldn’t sleep as lots of thoughts run through my mind like a dirty electric train. I had a dream about the process against me. Allegandly I am a spy or kind of national traitor who did something illegible. But at the morning I had another run to the woodland and shoke this out.
There are so many things to say, to describe, to reflect on and just to observe but I have to move so fast and so much tiresome things. I don’t complain about the harsh routine, I know this time will finish and everything will be set good for life and study. I want to be absolutely ready for the first day. I’m to set Wi Fi spot for myself (goush how expensive it actually is!), go to IKEA for little important things which are going to orginise my space. I’ve already managed to generally clean up the room and the common place with the great help of my mom. That would be terribly harsh if I hadn’t so much impressions to remember – the day of my settling. While rubbing the window or scrubbing the bath thousands of extracts and faces run though my mind and cleaned up as well as the space.
Today was the second time I went to Aushan to purchase. Amazing but I really liked this shop – there are videos about ecology on the screens and prices are quite like at the hometown.
Another miracle of this day is the park beside the hostel. It is a park with the big aqueduct trough the river Yauza. I could make a video here and it would be different and absolutely beautiful.
Now I’m to read a bit and sleep. I’ll write it in detail at thirties.
I had a horrible dream this night. It was a projection of our yesterday walking. We were going somewhere at me birthday and by the door of some cafe Nastya said to me lots of awful things like: ‘You’re nobody! You have done nothing in your life!’ I was shamed by those words and turned back to go out, while there was something indoor for my birthday party.
Then I went to the grey room with my course mates who begun to terror me, hung on the rope and beat. I can’t remember any other dream during which I felt so humiliated and strong in loneliness the same time.
The reason of so horrify vision may be our talk about education abroad. She completely attacked me with questions like “What is the purpose?! What is the profit of studying abroad?!” (I told about school pupils who pass American exam and apply at their universities) While she was speaking out I couldn’t make out what to answer. I heard the total ignorance in this field and total absence of desire to understand. And of course no desire to support me even with words.
Later I got that her reaction is kind of reaction people who study at province have. They don’t understand for what purpose applicants choose the capital cities. Isn’t here enough universities?
The meeting was chaotic in general. I felt that her gusty speech rides and noise in my mind like a train. I can’t that there was the same sense of close and understanding. I speak little and bear lots because I don’t feel comfortable. Does she feel so?
That was a kinky day. I woke up late with painful senses at the whole body, I couldn’t even remember when it was so hard to run the usual track. As fast as I managed I washed the hair, worn the lenses and ate terrific breakfast.
But outside the flat that was still hot and sunny, rare people were crawling on the street while I went to the work again. Nimble enough I prepared everything and opened the site with the old blog. I did copy every single page at the Word file and it had turned out to count about 580 page. It was a little shock which forced me to sit down more comfortable and delete empty lines. To the midday I had managed it and send for printing 368 page – 2 on one side of double-sided sheet. The heap which I put ay the green envelope from the paper block appeared easy to read and carry. I expected the huge pile of papers instead.
The only thing left to do in this case is to arrange and print this exactly blog. I know it’s pretty to see it here but at the material world such approach make us forget about past. It’s like there wasn’t any effort at the end of the day and you didn’t reflect on your life for years. If I have time I will do this.
The working time with its sharp concentration on every little detail of trading, speaking and organising printing another portion of babies photos made me scattered. Some powerless way I ate the sweets and ice-cream with coffee.
However, I put myself together and went on the case. That was as usual a long process of browsing, reading different articles about requirements, credentials and opportunities. I was surprised to know that some places take Unified State Exam as a real proof of education. (Ha!) Despite the optimistic approach, I can see now the long-term hardship which I may cope with in perspective for experience I want.
Then it was strangely tough to get the meaning of Social studies textbook. I mean that I could glimpse over the page easily but understand and retrieve it was uphill.
No comedy or art cinema this Saturday, only bath and lots of water.
Yesterday was a strange day which I spend on the swollen legs (because of the trip). Before the lunch I took the bus and went to the New Town for scouting. At the beginning that was strange but funny, I took photos and videos of landscapes and trees, tried to run and shoot, move smoothly and make effects. Regular walkers could stare at me strangely but they didn’t. When I left the grove and turned out to be under hot Sun without any hat I’d got it’s challenging.
The way to the field in front of the town’s entrance was hard. The air was dense and fervent. Not having a lunch I felt I could faint any moment. Can you imagine the empty direct street with imperceptible buildings and worn out banners ahead the shops? For some reason I did not perceive any aversion just observing that. Despite my desire to keep up with healthy lifestyle I took a local ice-cream which was really great (not so sweet but creamy with remarkable taste of fresh milk). After that the way up had become easier. I took some view points there and then had been considering how to manage the filming by the river. Unfortunately, everything around the town has the damages by people – some rubbish, broken grasses and trees. We are always quite careful about ecology.
The way back I spend just sitting at the mini bus and looking out of the window. Sometimes like now I would be too overwhelmed and unfocused for reading or listening something. I like slowness though there is the anxiety inside. I don’t like too much I like great. But is there any option to manage all wishes but to do more? I don’t see now.
It looks like I’m going to forget how to describe my days. Anyway, I have some things to say. Right now I’m at home with the bag ready for another little trip to Moscow. But at the middle of the day I was so absorbed with script writing that I had totally forgotten about any preparation or packing.
The idea which I had since the very moment of listening the newest album of Ludovico Einaudi emerged every time I heard the track. And of course I did plan to do something on it. Yesterday morning I spent cooperating with Helga who seemed to me the most active and ready for experiment person. My pleasure was great to know that she’s in game. The rest of the day I was anxious about every little detail and the whole picture. This afternoon the outline was ready (not perfect but is). Now I have some idea about the hardship and invisible efforts needed for making even such a short video. We hadn’t started the filming yet. But I know we will do it anyway.
The other thing which grabs my intention is kind of international opportunities which I actively look for. To this particular moment I cannot say that I have found something suitable. There are many obstacles and difficulties ahead of me.
I assume that it will never be finished I mean the struggle with own ignorance, fears and without demands. But speaking this way I don’t want to say it’s bad, conversely the overcoming process makes life vital and dynamic. Nobody complains because of the risks and drive at the attraction. Life is something the same. You’ll never get nor satisfaction or achievement without risks of failure and zealous investment into life. I remember the great lines from a book: “You’ll never fail if you know you have done all possible”. Retrieving this phrase from time to time I realize that I do not want to be a complaining and suffering person at the end of any process. And the only stable way to avoid it is to be active and invest time and efforts into valuable things. It’s funny to know that any moment of life you can choice between a few options and it’s a free right to choose.
Oh, I’ve written some pathetic ideas again. That’s all me. I actually like the way of political speech (out of the reality context, of course) and rhetoric, discussions as well as human rights. Oh, I’m really afraid of absolute absences of such things at the institute. It’s never enough for me, there is always a choice between few options.
I certainly need a habit of everyday writing, another way my head is full of thought and nights are full of long contemplation.
But what’s actually going on? I worked two days and yesterday I studied grammar four hours because of some strange slowness. I have almost done a few collages for texture and almost read Social studies’ textbook. The last is really interesting despite evident ideas or outdated information. While a trolley-bus conveyed me home I was reading it a bit like in metro – without any attention to surroundings. The other book I read currently is D.Lessing’s “The sweetest dream” and I’m at the very beginning but have already had an idea of her writing style. It seems the same time profound deep analyses and easy to read.
The other thing is yesterday news. I do often forgive about the factual undercover reality of everything’s imperfection. The analitics talked about people who work illegally for keeping their profits out of goverment which doesn’t spend it in a proper way. And yes, I’m a person who need a reminder to remember such things. My enviroment is full of Western culture and young freshmen. I count that quickly and got that out of every copy we do (4R) it is taxed 1,44R. In bigger sums it becomes really huge.
On the contrary such ideas, I percieve poetry of slow time and colourful light. I had a dream today, something with metro open air station and then me and dad at the ship. I ate some potatos while he was speaking something. Water shone in cerelium blue while sky was orange.
I remember V.Woolf’s diaries with it’s capacity for almost everything – relationships, process of work, observations, books and articles, for some reason my notes are one-sided.
I found out myself interested in another new area which is publishing of books, magazines and news, blogging (I mean real pro, not mine) and the phenomenon of public opinion. I really like design of paper books, paper edition of magazines and their sites (what has to be improved for mental health). Being at Moscow the previous month I wanted to print out Greek drama at my own book with real book binding. But now I afraid to not to manage it.
Yes, the brain is much easier now.
Sad enough but I have to work tomorrow too. Strange how things happen, as you feel freedom of creativity something lands you back to the boring waste of time. The usual stream of time and people around makes you blind and indifferent to variety of everything. Such moment I feel so weak and dependent that I give up most of my evening tasks and download another app for the cellphone.
The further few months seem now so far and vague. I have a certain idea about my own purposes but not an idea of unknown elements. It doesn’t make me scary or worried conversaly the idea that I cannot foresee all things make me feel calm and easy. I’m going to control only the area of my control and no more.
So, I found out that being at home even with the intention to get rest is the worst idea for life in general. Time seems endless and space of the rooms becomes your universe allegedly it is the only option of your leisure. I gave up the habit of being at home after English stuff (gosh, my memory turned out to be so short and fragile – use new attitude).
My list of ideas is long as usual but this time I decided to begin with the photos of texture. The weather condition was so ineligible to walk that from time to time I tried to breathe any air at least to say nothing about freshness. I went to the bay where it had been fun to look for the textures and colours. Surprisingly, I became bold enough to photo people in front and don’t feel shame for breaking their privacy. By the trade center I sung the songs and was a pretty little girl with the camera. I took some marvelous pictures of metal, glass and polyethylene at only one not finished construction of little market.
Frankly, I don’t know enough places here where I could go for reading and writing and I just had gone to the trade center. I do continue to read about social studies despite the fact that the exam passed away. Now the analyses of hippies and yuppies (I can make a mistake, sorry) in history of USA and USSR. Though I’m absolutely ok about reading at public places I had a hunch that there were little amount of people who read something at spare time. There is no passion of book reading at all.
At home I had (and still have) heap of photos to make up and compose in a list or two. I certainly like the projects.
Tennis at the evening went good. Before the beginning I went to the administrator and found out the corridors and the library of the republic’s best school which were quite modern. The head of tennis club amiably asked me about ongoing and recommended to train at the vacation if I can (we all know Moscow’s prices). Unfortunately, there wasn’t a great demand in tennis as I perceived. We had two trainers for four people. The workout itself went normal like nothing but people around had changed. As usual it was easier to breathe freely and even sing some melodies after.
The whole day the yesterday’s first act of Hamlet with Cumberbutch run through my mind fulfilling it with colours and images. The passion for acting and directing is coming back. I want to declaim poems or dialogs by myself. Today we’d watched it fully. Isn’t it strange to feel excitement while so much people pretends to be killed?