daily, Uncategorized

Yesterday evening

Mary can be late always. She compensates it with her constant sense of light. It is warm and light love to life with all its hardships and copings, with all its diversity and creativity. It is felt immediately like a heavy mantle of depressing rubbish fell off your shoulders releasing mind for great.

So was at the painted tram tunnel where I found myself out a bit happy. Though the way crossed the dirty nooks there was no hint of former tension. Not a spot of teachers’ harsh tales niether messy lunacy of the workshop. The other environment of Artplay with its pubs, designers’ labs and exhibitions. Clean offices and fashionable people with awareness of digital world. The smell of activity, achievements and purposes. Why the institute doesn’t smell like this? Why there are stone faces and trash at the corridors? Not proper questions.

The Scottish screenwriter was speaking about the writing for film easily and even funny. Just like real creativity does it – with natural curiosity, diligence and civic sense. Audience had good questions about the process and collaboration.

I led Mary to the student dim cafe upstairs where we had been talking until the closure. For some reason it’s easy to talk smart with her but not with the course mates. Night was quiet and miraculous, I couldn’t fell asleep, I read the reviews and watched trailers.

daily, reflection, scribbling, senses, to improve

“How can you be bored studying here?”- the girl with narrow glasses and reddish hair asked me while we were sitting at the corridor by the big window with the view on the whole street. I didn’t know what to answer. That was a minute’s tedium, was it? Was it a momentous quirk or not? We speak more open and apparent than we presume.

Despite all my embarrassment and queer replies on farther questions about mastery that had meaning. I did really felt tired by the row of lessons and breaks. The lunch at the canteen where students play their game and reluctant about sitting with strangers. Herd mentality arranges big tables just for one company, looks for stools and place. There are paper tea glasses, plastic trays and the queue to the metallic stand. Change of people, replacements of stools, movement of persons, the transfer of meal to the other places.

The anatomy lesson is the dubbing of the second course at the college. Bones and joints of the spine. Intervertebral discs, spinous processes. My sloppy handwriting with the black pen.

That’s snowing at the morning. NastyaT was coming with me to study and enjoyed the picture of white and yellow colours around. Evening changed it to blurred lights of cars and windows with wet asphalt and cold blue sky.

I did think about life and how could I lead it to the way I do now but there is hardly a person wishing to hear woaming. As for me, I don’t want to read such. I need to amend my mood, life, behaviour, plans, mindset and grades. The work life and development matter for me much. But I’m quite unhappy with day study and assign everything to spare time.

daily, reflection, scribbling, Uncategorized

No more rust

e99e1b0f508f5e0b84832947ce92f0eeThe festival makes study days shorter and more endurable. However, I did come today later and watched the clocks too often. I hardly forced myself to actually go to study and draw Apollo to say nothing about skipping another English lesson. And the whole day was going in the mood of rebellion: leaving the room, going to the canteen without any hunger, being lazy in front of the sheet. Vlad did many jokes and parodies about the snobbish behaviour of art students. I’d laughed to tears the first time since I watched Twelfth night this summer. Long time ago.

I needed something extraordinary. The burst of boredom. Please no more minutes in front of the paper, no more typical talks. Please no! I spoke out to Nastya that I passionately want to haunt, shot the duck, get a dinner with it, play tennis, swim in the lake, fly to Italy, read the book on history and etc. And there was need for love too (unspoken). Girls discussed the initiative of women in relationship. It’s so silly to understand that I live with old-fashioned standards of men fighting for women. It is often controversal nowadays. How could I not notice it and spend lots of time in shadow of bush?

There is a girl – Mary, she is a greatly motivated and inspired student. But the same time she is actively working on building relationship with a boy she likes. Her motto, as it was uttered, is “Fight for what you want. Take the best. Don’t wait at the bush”. I do adore her mindset. That should be me who get the projects and see a boy, always in a good mood, ready to live a bright life. But I’m not. For the reason of… uncertainty. Which I despise mostly.

Am I still going to be a production designer though I feel so much rejection to the process of drawing the set sketches and research of the material world? In practice, there is too much drawing, fast, concrete and decisive. Tell the story by thousand of drawing sheets, please. I like interior design, no doubt. But the work is intensive and and… And what? And I’m not ready for sixteen hours per day for just drawing. I need intellectual work, otherwise I am a piece of rust which cannot retrieve the words.

In general, my life now isn’t the good one. There are many points to improve, get some time, talk to clever persons, drink tea, read books, write notes, travel to Europe. I’m an idealist, yes. I want to have money, independence, creative freedom and family here and now. Please, deliver it to the address ***.

daily, reflection, senses

Shift the wind

Somebody likes frivolous girls who change their mind day by day and find the routine daily life boring and hard. Too serious to stay serious. Saving is the gloomy condition of frown eyebrows and accurate accounting nonetheless it cannot save such girls from buying the expensive headphones for five minutes. It cannot restrain from dancing at the cheap market as well as playing with dumbbells at the sport shop. Earnestness has no ability to last endlessly. One moment it just has gone away to make freedom and creativity demand their place.

So the vague idea about world of Shakespeare, Marlow, Wilde and politics does for me. The air of island with old buildings and customs, classic literature, strong film industry allow me to remember the reasons. Reasons are the certain plays and films which struck me deeply one day. Despite all my awareness about concrete possibilities I do love this culture (distantly) more than other Western. I forgot it. We are irrational despite lots of attempts to be reasonable.

The way I went here is drama, the purpose of the way is drama too. My instinct interest are the threads to this. It still drives me crazy like a child with a desired toy. Does it clean everything up? At least it enlighten the big purposes and patterns and certainly it make me dream again. Yep, when I’m a great dreamer, I am a great dealer.


“An education” 2008,  Carey Mulligan

daily, reflection, Uncategorized

In a word “ignorant”

It’s late morning with all grey colours outdoor. I ate scrambled eggs and some chocolate. I need to go to the next door neighbour to ask for washing. Also I need to finish the canvas and paint another one. This is the plan.

Yesterday I watched video about Harvard admission and after that had felt extremely ignorant and uneducated person. All my activities seemed so slow, weak and not serious and people I connect with – so narrow-minded and little. The other point is the understanding that I’ll never be either in Harvard or Oxbridge. I should say that my little snobbishness dreamed about such kind of education in some farther future, shouldn’t I?

The same time I feel like nothing developing is going on. Talks at the drawing workshop are exactly the same as in college (with little local correction) and the drawing itself doesn’t make me smarter, more collaborative or polite. The old row. Nonetheless, every time somebody touches topics from modern cinema to politics, history and society I have nothing to say. It’s just a vacuum inside my mind which makes me recognise myself as ignorant. I always feel like I haven’t got enough information and have no right to speak out.

Getting that means I don’t believe in my ability to cope with exams harder than state ones.  But I actually can, there is no place for shadows of school years. The bones of the scale grow before 25 and I have 3 extra years which is better to spend on development in all the areas of my life. The question is ‘How’. 0d2215195230e673900d1bae6cc8c1c9

There is still a sense of a square pig at the round hall even if I am sitting with Nastya and her boyfriend Ilgiz and watching late night show. There is something I cannot figure out. But after ten p.m. I begin to stomp and acclaim how much I want to get education and how little I get it now. I remember as clear as it was yesterday that Ilgiz said me on the first grade of the college that I’ll certainly write own books (meaning I was smart enough). I do appreciate his words though there wasn’t any real analyses of abilities. We believe people who believe in us because we are irrational.

I did listen the program “Pozner” while drawing the other plein air leave. Konchalovsky was really enlighten in arts, politics and psychology and he makes films (which are basically not audience ones). Is it possible at all?

I need to attune myself for intensive work as I’m going to hand the pictures at Monday.

daily, privite life, reflection, senses, to improve

Blue mood

Time is still going on, people are still talking and laughing at the tram, making real life a story, a memory. There is still fall darkness out of the window. Straight rays of car headlights. Orange and white versus deep blue. Damn air of October makes it easier, makes it clearer. It makes ideas look like a delirium.

Feverish ideas of dropping out, amending the life, leading it the other way and avoiding frightening things. Those are immense drawing, hard routine of painting, search of props, fuss at the dusty warehouses, dying the sets at the dirty clothes. Are they so terrible? As terrible as a young girl carrying the 100×150 canvases through the town. As terrible as working scars and burns.

But ideas and desires are still there in the heart. Desire to live life, to tell stories, convey ideas (study them firstly), learn new knowledges and skills. Speak out and have worth thing to say. Don’t be narrow, don’t limit yourself, don’t compromise with formalities. Have a way (whatever it means). Have a dream and pursue it.

There is a list at the notebook, it is titled “Things I want to study” and there are not only artsy subjects like architecture and script writing but politics and social studies with business marketing. I feel I need to know how big creative process works. I’m an odd person at the clearly creative community or I just have another mindset. Does it mean I am not at the suitable industry? Does this deviation value anything at all? Is it bad?

I want frightening things in tough industry. Do I really want?


to improve, Uncategorized

Last day of sickness

It’s ginger plus chrome colour. I’m in the white jacket which is to be washed two weeks ago was carrying the box of milk across the road. The duty doctor didn’t believe my caught – I really did it badly, and closed my sick list. No regrets as I didn’t reckon on any sick list at all (maybe for one day, not three). But why it is so sad to go back to study?

It is a question which made me so sad and abstract yesterday. I woke up with the clearest questions “What I will paint for? Who I try to deceive? Myself? Certainly not.” Some relaxations with the films and painting uncovered some nature of me that was so busy to be noticed. I did a test for profession and got this. It isn’t a proof for something but I personally got that the way of the film decorator doesn’t suit me entirely. Then it ensued hours in front of the different web pages with options, options and options. If my mom could see me she wasn’t happy with it. But to the end of the day my mind became more clear and I just got the idea of doing things. I need to realize my ideas, stay creative, stimulate intellectual work and keep up with majors and minors.

The other thing which came to me during last few months is that we always postpone the things which are most important for us. I stopped this and begun to read Hitchcock\Truffout, watched Nancy Meyers films, posted at the blog and downloaded another app for sat. I don’t work hard and I could have enough time for everything important. And I certainly must do proper research for future opportunities. There is no autopilot but me.