Time is still going on, people are still talking and laughing at the tram, making real life a story, a memory. There is still fall darkness out of the window. Straight rays of car headlights. Orange and white versus deep blue. Damn air of October makes it easier, makes it clearer. It makes ideas look like a delirium.
Feverish ideas of dropping out, amending the life, leading it the other way and avoiding frightening things. Those are immense drawing, hard routine of painting, search of props, fuss at the dusty warehouses, dying the sets at the dirty clothes. Are they so terrible? As terrible as a young girl carrying the 100×150 canvases through the town. As terrible as working scars and burns.
But ideas and desires are still there in the heart. Desire to live life, to tell stories, convey ideas (study them firstly), learn new knowledges and skills. Speak out and have worth thing to say. Don’t be narrow, don’t limit yourself, don’t compromise with formalities. Have a way (whatever it means). Have a dream and pursue it.
There is a list at the notebook, it is titled “Things I want to study” and there are not only artsy subjects like architecture and script writing but politics and social studies with business marketing. I feel I need to know how big creative process works. I’m an odd person at the clearly creative community or I just have another mindset. Does it mean I am not at the suitable industry? Does this deviation value anything at all? Is it bad?
I want frightening things in tough industry. Do I really want?