It’s late morning with all grey colours outdoor. I ate scrambled eggs and some chocolate. I need to go to the next door neighbour to ask for washing. Also I need to finish the canvas and paint another one. This is the plan.
Yesterday I watched video about Harvard admission and after that had felt extremely ignorant and uneducated person. All my activities seemed so slow, weak and not serious and people I connect with – so narrow-minded and little. The other point is the understanding that I’ll never be either in Harvard or Oxbridge. I should say that my little snobbishness dreamed about such kind of education in some farther future, shouldn’t I?
The same time I feel like nothing developing is going on. Talks at the drawing workshop are exactly the same as in college (with little local correction) and the drawing itself doesn’t make me smarter, more collaborative or polite. The old row. Nonetheless, every time somebody touches topics from modern cinema to politics, history and society I have nothing to say. It’s just a vacuum inside my mind which makes me recognise myself as ignorant. I always feel like I haven’t got enough information and have no right to speak out.
Getting that means I don’t believe in my ability to cope with exams harder than state ones. But I actually can, there is no place for shadows of school years. The bones of the scale grow before 25 and I have 3 extra years which is better to spend on development in all the areas of my life. The question is ‘How’.
There is still a sense of a square pig at the round hall even if I am sitting with Nastya and her boyfriend Ilgiz and watching late night show. There is something I cannot figure out. But after ten p.m. I begin to stomp and acclaim how much I want to get education and how little I get it now. I remember as clear as it was yesterday that Ilgiz said me on the first grade of the college that I’ll certainly write own books (meaning I was smart enough). I do appreciate his words though there wasn’t any real analyses of abilities. We believe people who believe in us because we are irrational.
I did listen the program “Pozner” while drawing the other plein air leave. Konchalovsky was really enlighten in arts, politics and psychology and he makes films (which are basically not audience ones). Is it possible at all?
I need to attune myself for intensive work as I’m going to hand the pictures at Monday.