How many times should I bump into the other person’s prosperity to learn to stay self-sufficient adult person myself? It isn’t OK at all.

Today was the reality of the girl who I was sitting with at school. She was greatly generous and kind to me and everyone. She flattered me by question about beauty and fashion (that was my glossy magazines’ period) and helped with the tests. Now she is studying at HSE – the school which seemed me so cool when I did my research on the alternatives. I looked at her pictures and felt as exciting those all was.

As to me, I don’t feel any excitement about my study, session, perspectives and basically I perceive myself like a loser. Peter Bregman said that if you wouldn’t hire a stuff knowing the future development, it’s better to fair one now. In my life, I would back in nine years and play it totally different. I would try hard to stay at the first school, finish it good and enter the top university on some humanity science major (or maybe programming – I was at it). Does it mean I should turn out?

While trying to draw I listened the old series which made my days during the crisis at the fourth year’s plein air. It’s Being Erica. Evidently I have some regrets which make me compassion to the protagonist. Maybe I even should write a list just to make it clear.

  • Not entering the English-oriented school
  • Watching so much TV instead of studying at school
  • Failure at the passing exams at the seventh year
  • Transfer to the public school
  • Entering the art college
  • Studying too hard without social life at the college
  • Not changing the direction after the failure at the passing exams at the institute
  • Not good enough result at the state exams
  • And basically I regret about hesitation and shyness with English.

I would like to be a person who honestly says that she doesn’t have any regrets in life. How to prevent regrets in future? Now? As we can see I don’t study by mistakes or I just think so. Of course every point was a lesson, experience, stair to me as I am now. But frankly now I feel like an ignorant loser, not a leader. Surely Woody Allen said he felt like that even now, what to say about me?! It’s not the matter of facts but the matter of perception.

I decided to focus on passing the exams good but today it’s a complete failure. Evidently.

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I consciously overslept the Life Security lesson and was writing at the notebook with the cup of coffee as it always had been at home. Yesterday webinar and article on Conde Nast made me feel so inspired and grateful. In one moment everything seemed possible and free to do. Everything seemed clear and naturally. I don’t have to live life I don’t like and mix with people whose mindset I don’t accept. I don’t have to endure things within which I don’t see any meaning for my life.

I went to the study with delay. The whole way and drawing process I was mulling over some ideas of mine and did notes from time to time. How incredible and strange it is to sit down, write down your creative ideas and see how boring talks around are. But this is the unpleasantness too. I did talk to Daisy about Anna Wintour and magazine industry but she couldn’t even focus on the conversation. So all talks happened. People around were chatting about disgust things which I had heard at the third college year too much and don’t want more now. As the lesson ended I’d run away to the street where the clarity was the same.

Certainly this all looks different. The question is: is it really different or the same?

I woke up in time and had a good talk with the girl from cinema studies. We discussed film distribution on the way to the institute. She talked much about weekends and box offices. I listened and commented but basically listened. We went to the class as usual at Mondays and sat together to talk more.

The history lesson was terrific, full of reflection, political games and historical science. I enjoyed the process of thinking and even being ignorant at some points. Pleasure in one word.

Then I immediately was brought back to the same world as it had been week ago. Sleepy Nastya and talks about talks. The free porridge was surprisingly well-cocked and we had a lovely talk with the animation students.

I stretched the paper at the corridor as the workshop was noisy and cluttered. The joyful point is that I liked the reflection in the mirror – firstly while study. Maybe the reason is that I had so much wonderful events which I truly liked and moreover I have begun to think about New Year Eve and found lots of inspiration in considering the menu.

I read the interesting thought. It is about inertia. We continue to do something just because we have already started it. We should ask ourselves either I do this all such way if I knew it be like this. If answer is no, it should be changed, transformed. My answer is totally no. I wouldn’t make choices like I did in past if knew how it works. Clearly it means that I need some corrections. God thanks I’m still young! 22 isn’t the mature age though I feel explicit gap between me and younger students. This is why the decision I made at the history lesson was – read history not fiction now.

The drawing lessons were terrible. Evidently, there were no order, no working discipline by the sitters and reluctant by the students. I got a target to get drawn the head for a day and then move on. So did I in some extent. They talked usual messy talks of exhausted art students. The girls squeaked and moaned. The boys were fooling around. When I took off the headphone to ask the sitter be calmer I’d heard such common hum which I’d never heard even at the worst days at the college.

Of course, nobody was interested in the festival or volunteering. I just felt a bit more confident and went to the dean’s office for clarification of the dates without any hesitation. I did many complements during the day and felt well. But surely the drawing was monotonous, meaningless and long. I could read something instead.

For some reasons (runny nose is one of them) to the end of the lessons I had no former desire to attend physical lesson. I went to the drugstore, grocery and went in the hostel when all were inside the gym. So I told Mary to write me down. The good news is that I met the cinema studies’ girl Sasha and got her contacts.

Friday morning-end of the fair

It’s a great pity that the festival will be closed tonight. I cannot imagine the subsequent life with the routine study and heap of tasks to do.  Even now I try to avoid the work and stay at the same position of busy volunteer. I don’t know, there were so many beautiful talks with so many people from different cultures and different background. Reading the dialogue of my department’s people I feel scare. It has terrible thoughts and phrases, not concrete but vague and boring. Or I just felt really needed at this job.

However, there is a lot of work to do just for passing the session. But I’m willing to watch news, read Aristotle and Russian history, find a programmer for my ideas, celebrate New Year Eve and meet with friends at the hometown. This is just a month, just another month. I don’t like working alone, collaboration with all its drawback is great for productivity. You just cannot be lazy, passive and silly in front of other people. You do your best and learn to really be your best. But I don’t chase nervously for other’s accept I can see my own activity more clear with other people. When I talk I can hear myself and think why do I say this or this, does it mean something? Yesterday I enthusiastically told Lilya about my ideas for applications and how important to realize your ideas. She agreed to ask her friend programmer. Everything is possible with right people.

It’s terrible but this all looks like I’m going to have another term here. But I don’t want at all. Tricky situation and I caught cold again. I should improve my mindset otherwise it’s going to be torture.

The beginning of the volunteering

This is the nice morning which I can get some relief: watch late night show, drink coffee, write notes. Three recent days were full of emotions, events and organisational tasks concerning only to the student festival. I take part there as a volunteer and exactly as a personal coordinator for the head of theatre jury.

The first day – Sunday I had to meet him at the airport. I was unbelievably nervous about everything. The road to the airport I talked to the driver though it was silly. My mind was clogged with different thoughts to begin with the order of action to finish with the whole life strategy.

I went out the car and hasten to the entrance. Being inside the clean civil kinda European building I put the hand inside the pocket but that was empty. My phone was stolen, dropped, left at the car, anything but it wasn’t there. It was hard to keep spine straight and not to fall down. I took coffee and roll while there was time. In front of the arrival door I was standing about an hour and a half with the sign in hands and heavy bag of souvenirs and with the great fear. There were so many bad options. Driver couldn’t stay at the parking zone more than fifteen minutes, so he wasn’t there to than. At the time of landing the voice of the manager called my name. What’s going on? I hoped for some information but there wasn’t any. Then when I had been exhausted the driver came to me. He gave me the phone and the boy from organisation shouted at me like I had lost the quest. They managed to call the quest’s name loud. We were standing by the information’s stand when the quest quietly came to us.

I scared to meet someone snobbish and angry but he was outgoing and friendly. His delay had a reason of custom service. We went to the car. The way back to town I did my best to keep conversation but I hadn’t enough information about the program and the arrival of other groups to say to him correctly. So I spoke something silly and common.At the hotel we managed well though there was no possibility to feed him.

That was night but not the end of the day. At the hostel I went to everyone I thought I could rely on to ask for help. Help was about meeting the man who found my phone at the underground next day and\or if possible give me a phone for a day. But I heard only refusals (what a surprise!). Only Mary came to my room where we talked about our stressful situations and she agreed to meet the man. But at the next day everything changed completely and I run through the squash to get it but that was the huge mistake. I spend the whole next day with Mary’s phone which I promised to bring back before the lunch.

Yes, it’s tranquil morning of Saturday and I am sitting with coffee and chocolate to write something about last week and the next. But now it’s snowing terribly at the streets and no one would like to walk there. Not me certainly.

The next week it’s the Festival’s week at the institute and I’ll be assisting\providing\conducting the head of the theatre jury. And it will be quiet different from any other week. I have written the statement on my employment at the Dean’s office and was happy about that the rest of yesterday. No academic lessons the whole week! And more collaborations with the producers who seem more reasonable and clever.

I still hardly can imagine my being here the next term, but it has covered with all Festival’s fuss therefore I look happy and energetic. Yesterday evening I even thought up the new app for restaurants but didn’t persuade mom to study programming.

It remains 6 weeks until the end of the year and four pictures to product. Simple arithmetic.

This is hard and unpleasant to paint at the noisy room with absurd thoughts in the air. Something what makes study so awful. So disgusting. Such moments I feel all idleness of time I kill and see all lost opportunities. The still life which was badly set at the shadow and which my course mates reluctant to modify.

However, I had great yesterday. I did laugh and talk fast with the first year director about the decoration. Still there were senses of hatred in my mind but I could do work in general.

Today I regret that I took the project and will be busy the whole week. Though it can help me to see work by experience and get it all clear.

Moreover, there is election time during which I was out of touch. I am so ignorant in politics and so self-restraint to study it that it’s impossible to lead more than emotional conversation. Where people get time for reading the news? It worries me.

The trial English lesson went good and left the impression of good organised learning. That was exactly what I need – mental work. After you have done something you were eager to do long time everything seems possible. It’s all possible, isn’t it.

Surely I’m not eager to draw the ship, interior cartoons and many furniture details. Though it helps to deviate from self reflection.

Strange time, it’s so hard to force myself to work while all the conditions aren’t good.

P.S. It’s going to be furious time at the festival and study

Fresh mind

It’s calm Saturday morning which doesn’t locate at the swimming pool but here, at my room where the cup of coffee and orange muffin are for breakfast. There are also many sheets of paper with various notes on life organisation, to begin with the books I am currently reading to end with the mind map of ways and options to move on.

So I put myself together. Yesterday it was a great research on educational programs and courses but I had tired only to the very evening when it became hard to focus on the pro book and I switched on the 18 minutes by Peter Bregman. Some mind polishing.

However, the last days I hadn’t been so decisive and concentrated. After the hard talk with mom during which I found out myself crying I had been pressed down with all aspects of reality. Nobody can presume how emotionally unstable I can be. So those were silent tears in front of the easel and anger by the weak teachers. The greatest need to talk to someone about all pros and cons without the public tolerance. I had shower and early sleep with a small hopeful thought: But I still can achieve my dream.


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Without lots of hesitation I begun (or continued) my research. I still need to get exact information and exact deadlines but I am not to reflect upon the present situation no more. Let’s move on! I have already booked the trial lesson of English and renewed the cosmetic (which is so critical!) and eye lenses. To improve my fitness I made the accurate choices of goods yesterday (no milk chocolate without any chocolate), and I need the dumb-bells and swimming goggles else. Tomorrow I’m going to the exhibition, bookstore and cinema theatre. It’ll be a nice Sunday I certainly needed all this time!

Crisis has a turn

At the late morning it is hard to remember yesterday’s resolutions on life. But I remembered that as clear as possible. The toast with cheese and some coffee are the best fake version of English breakfast. Yes, I try to cover up some ideas I have and the whole feverish passion about them. The study tasks, mastery, drawing and painting turned out to be marginal and boring – some kind of leisure, while others came to the fore. Why is it so?

And I’m so exited, scared and even a bit happy to see a perspective and even believe in myself. I asked mom weither I am able to pass some exams and she surely said that I could pass all of them but mathematics. Mother’s words are extremely subjective but I prefer to feel like she’s right and I can.

On the other hand, the mastery which I try to avoid, do work and be free of this. Moreover, there are some projects which I refused because of huge reluctant to have a deal with construction site, stain and furniture. There could be a paragraph on my stupidity, narrow-mindedness and perfectionism, but there wouldn’t be an evident thing. Who of clever drop out school to be a painter without the nature of an artist (I rather get in art by mind than heart)?

I am a damn-shit analyst with intention to explore the world and amend it. In other words, idealist. And I certainly need a person to speak out openly.

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