How many times should I bump into the other person’s prosperity to learn to stay self-sufficient adult person myself? It isn’t OK at all.

Today was the reality of the girl who I was sitting with at school. She was greatly generous and kind to me and everyone. She flattered me by question about beauty and fashion (that was my glossy magazines’ period) and helped with the tests. Now she is studying at HSE – the school which seemed me so cool when I did my research on the alternatives. I looked at her pictures and felt as exciting those all was.

As to me, I don’t feel any excitement about my study, session, perspectives and basically I perceive myself like a loser. Peter Bregman said that if you wouldn’t hire a stuff knowing the future development, it’s better to fair one now. In my life, I would back in nine years and play it totally different. I would try hard to stay at the first school, finish it good and enter the top university on some humanity science major (or maybe programming – I was at it). Does it mean I should turn out?

While trying to draw I listened the old series which made my days during the crisis at the fourth year’s plein air. It’s Being Erica. Evidently I have some regrets which make me compassion to the protagonist. Maybe I even should write a list just to make it clear.

  • Not entering the English-oriented school
  • Watching so much TV instead of studying at school
  • Failure at the passing exams at the seventh year
  • Transfer to the public school
  • Entering the art college
  • Studying too hard without social life at the college
  • Not changing the direction after the failure at the passing exams at the institute
  • Not good enough result at the state exams
  • And basically I regret about hesitation and shyness with English.

I would like to be a person who honestly says that she doesn’t have any regrets in life. How to prevent regrets in future? Now? As we can see I don’t study by mistakes or I just think so. Of course every point was a lesson, experience, stair to me as I am now. But frankly now I feel like an ignorant loser, not a leader. Surely Woody Allen said he felt like that even now, what to say about me?! It’s not the matter of facts but the matter of perception.

I decided to focus on passing the exams good but today it’s a complete failure. Evidently.

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