Wednesday. Sadness

If it happens for me to be upset, this day is an example for such condition. I overslept my morning tasks and English lesson. My calm innocent time. I changed the linen and packed all things, went out with classical music in the headphones. In the elevator I met the animation’s boy. We spoke a bit about the exams and came to the point of English and the state exams. I didn’t prepare for social studies and passed it with 63, he didn’t prepare for English and got 97, me – 80. Those are only standardized tests but in the whole picture of my insufficiency that was unpleasant.

So, black lines and white everything else on the streets, me listening Mozart as a part of mind cleaning and usual road. Undoubtedly, I was late on 10 minutes though nobody noticed. Then it were hours and hours of drawing or pretending to be drawing. Talks were common despite the fact that at the beginning I could even make jokes and laugh at something. Going out for a lunch I realized that I wanted some privacy, some place to feel comfortable. I took the cellophane salad and sat to unknown girls. The other day I would speak with but then I just ate. At the way up I met Sonya, she energetically spoke to me about her two ideas for the mastery. The option of saying about my mastery project wasn’t good for positive talk, so I tried to say something on Pozner’s film.

At the lesson I was quiet inert, read the article, wrote the texts and listened to the teacher. He worked enthusiastically, but I did not care about the drawing. And to say honestly, he is not concrete: “this area” is not the name of the bone and “shade” doesn’t define the form. Vice versa. I understand how it must be but there is no interest in achieving. Looking around on other people and listening to inner voice, I more and more understand that I am not an artist. And I don’t want to train for being one. I’m not. Certainly. Evidently.

The perspective was my best time as I could train my brain and just enjoy time. Though I still afraid to be myself and speak out as others do. Scrolling Instagram I saw one picture (there are a lot you know) and one thought came to me. I want to have a home with family, constant possibilities to study, work on the projects, let children learn everything, connect with interesting people and travel freely. All I want is a little strong thing called happiness (personal and professional)

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