And here I am, sitting with the greatest dilemma of life – how to live it and don’t hurt people around. Yesterday after the dinner I said to mom I wanted to register for and pass the exams to apply to the other university. So in spite of the merry evening and easiness of talk, she became silent and closed. I know it daggers her. I couldn’t focus on the subject and went out the room quite often to get her reaction. But there was no any clear reaction. How to understand silence? It was hard for me to even talk using reduced colours and concrete steps. To say nothing about my feelings. The whole vacation it seemed so difficult and dangerous to speak about my real vision of study. How little I love and how much I want to transfer.
Nonetheless, at the moment I have another beautiful dilemma which is about this year. As she feels so terrible about this all, I’ve become softer and consider the idea of studying another term. But it is the question of risk either being rejected by the university or spending a huge sum of money on the profession I don’t want to work in. Isn’t it a stupid idea? But while I’m studying and living in Moscow all seem so stable and clear despite the fact it’s neither stable nor clear.
Certainly, I know that hope to learn so huge amount of information for such a short period of time is kind of naive and even suicidal. But is the investment into the dead deal rational? I don’t want to make mistakes, but I have already done some which are enough. And I least want to hurt my mom who is doing so much for me.
Dark blue evening and the cawing crow in a mix of frozen trees. My old deep lazar jumper and taste of cacao. What am I to say? Actually, there is a bunch of things about life and dreams, action and changes.
When you come from the unknown place, from the fabulous fairy tale like a trip all you want is to improve your own life. Make a step closer to the picture of happiness you saw. It’s like some magical smell in the air which you try not to lose but find the source and use for transforming the routine life. So do I when I cannot focus on the study but mentally deconstruct and de-clatter the flat. And there is a decision I couldn’t keep undone. This is why I certainly need to go to Moscow next week and fix everything.
But now I’m regularly relaxed and calmed down – home environment is so immovable. In contrast to this, I realize how hard I must work to approach to the desired result. The only way is to actually do, without excuses or hesitations. Stay strong, optimistic and critical to the results. And more certainly I need support, inner and outer. People who I can look on, speak with and stay on track despite difficulties. There are always ones. No sugar-coated roads with roses and unicorns. Pity, but there are no. So, I should take it and work with it, not avoid, not give up but continue and do what I intend.
Maybe or maybe not, these are Prague environment which relieved my nerves and opened breathing. That was and is a ray of light which made me so curious and alive again. It threw the rubbish away and made it clear – I don’t need that and that. There is no benefit in scrolling Instagram, no more friends, no more understanding in politics. I don’t need to watch a dozen of YouTube video to start doing, start living or even to get at something. This sort of television which gobbled hours and hours of my life at school doesn’t solve any problem but create new one – lack of time and focus. I need my time and my focus to direct it on the majors, not minors.
Sure, I have a quiz of connection with the world. I did like the Czech lifestyle with all its openness to each other and opportunity to mix at pubs. I personally need close friends and private life and some sort of trust. The one clear point is that I need to work on it more intensive than before. Otherwise, you know what happens.
However it’s a warm evening at home I feel some swinging. I do still remember red trams and luck of snow, I do still endure remains of road feelings. The gradual process of refining people, every step leaves fewer and fewer ones who have an idea of the place we went from. To begin with the straight flight to Riga than transfer to Moscow and train to Moscow as a town, then train to the hometown. And the process remains less and less foreign languages and more local ones. Gradually it was stopping to be OK to read The Economist (in paper version) and become rather odd. I did still talk freely in Russian like people around didn’t get. But they actually got everything. There was no fresh air and former great pastry or coffee. The instant one in the traditional glasses and cheap cakes. In full silence I joyfully read a few political articles. Like there was nothing to do or to mull over. Like everything is easy. No problems, no thoughts, no woe on Moscow environment and perspective of study, no emptiness of local town. Nothing but a memory of naturally beautiful town, it’s poetry and air. Which my lungs got as vital remedy.
The regular late getting up with the pictures of mom’s plates at the kitchen sink and the used cezde. So, let’s skip a breakfast for a fatty lady who survived New Year vacation and got up so late. But I did cut the sausage, treated the cat and ate that with black bread’s leaf. Please, time don’t go farther, let’s stop at the placid moment of the morning. There was even a good cardio training before some men begun to ring the doorbell. They could be and actually were the sanitary technicians. I didn’t intent to open the door and profoundly discuss this decision with grandma. By the way, there weren’t even the cellar’s keys – technicians left it at the post box – though I said to go up and return it in hands. When I’d moved to the room grandma talked with the neighbour – she had some problems with new batteries.
I did try to paint the last picture for mastery and even found the picture with the same state of nature (to steal it). Very fast it became hard to do that only, too boring, too monotonious. And after the dinner (stew and some more coffee)I turned on the rest of the scandalous interview with Yarovaya. The absolute achievement was the constant working while I was listening to their such a provocative debate. Can I hope for some adequacy at the government if she is a influential part of this, if she despite narrow-mindedness manage to climb so high? It was clearly that she didn’t respect neither audience nor Pozner. There were no logic, clear answer or even attempt to hide her desire to sting the host for being a citizen of more than one only country. After that my relief was to listen some jokes and intelligent sense of humour.
Such moments this is absolutely clear for me that I’m naturally interested in human sciences, in society, history, philosophy and politics. For what reason I do painting is the question without a proper answer. I made the delectable dinner with vegetables and meat. Meat is better than any cake. Always. Than I did some detail-oriented plan for installing the pictures (an influence of C.Hadfield’s book) and bought the train tickets home for me and mom. Please no more working. Let’s talks, read, study languages and make notes.
I faked the activity while mom did her planning and watched “Around the World in 80 Days”. There are just a few days before moving to Moscow. I’m not to perform best but pass it and nonetheless, let it be easy. Please.
The sultry air of the room and the complete darkness made me feel odd when I woke up at seven. Then the typical getting up at nine. The breakfast with a greipfruit, coffee and sweets. I do really love drink hot coffee and study vocubulary on Anki at the morning, it certainly make me feel clear.
The one point I got for the last days is that I should not cut the insiring ideas out of my mind just because of its impossibity. London inspire me for action though I am aware of impracticabily of living there. Does it matter if it make me straighter, more clever and vivid? I permit myself to say no.
Sure, there are many works to do over the simple desires to study English and other things. The bad weather is so suitable for staying at home with paper and brushes. The next week is going to be stressful as well as the other. So I should put myself together and just make it all good.
This New Year Eve went as boring as all of them were and I felt sadly and tired as usually at the milestone. I didn’t wanted to cook and clean the flat but it had to be done anyway. All I could think about was the dissatisfaction with the whole year and the way it led me at the very end. The hopes I had the last year dashed but in some weird and unexpected way. Climbing up the mountain you honestly expect to see the mountain with all it’s splendour and grandue. This is why seeing just the hill doesn’t satisfy. That’s all my year: climbing up the mountain and getting at the hill.
However, there were few beautiful events like meeting at the Moscow Book House or living at the Arbat district and running every morning at the Patriarch’s pond. I did certainly enjoyed my English study at the Ankor and learning the art history for the interview. As challenging that was but as cool to find out some knowledge inside the scale. Reading the textbook at the bench by the stadium and drinking coffee at the McCafe after the second tour of the exam. In spite of the smallness of the filming the music video it was really educating and fun. The festival was fun too. Many foreigners and performances with me as a coordinator who doesn’t know all for sure.
There were some interesting people but basically not close and not friends in terms of friendship concept. I didn’t connect as much as it should be for potential relationships. Personal life was like the years before the field of no battle, no win, no fair. I hope for improvements.
The main thing I want in this year is the solution of my study condition and personal life.