And here I am, sitting with the greatest dilemma of life – how to live it and don’t hurt people around. Yesterday after the dinner I said to mom I wanted to register for and pass the exams to apply to the other university. So in spite of the merry evening and easiness of talk, she became silent and closed. I know it daggers her. I couldn’t focus on the subject and went out the room quite often to get her reaction. But there was no any clear reaction. How to understand silence? It was hard for me to even talk using reduced colours and concrete steps. To say nothing about my feelings. The whole vacation it seemed so difficult and dangerous to speak about my real vision of study. How little I love and how much I want to transfer.
Nonetheless, at the moment I have another beautiful dilemma which is about this year. As she feels so terrible about this all, I’ve become softer and consider the idea of studying another term. But it is the question of risk either being rejected by the university or spending a huge sum of money on the profession I don’t want to work in. Isn’t it a stupid idea? But while I’m studying and living in Moscow all seem so stable and clear despite the fact it’s neither stable nor clear.
Certainly, I know that hope to learn so huge amount of information for such a short period of time is kind of naive and even suicidal. But is the investment into the dead deal rational? I don’t want to make mistakes, but I have already done some which are enough. And I least want to hurt my mom who is doing so much for me.