fulfilling

It’s not as bad as regular Tuesdays are. Neither rush nor hurry, nor anxiety about the mastery. I just got up at the time and did my sketches, then read the cinema history textbook (which like a lecturer itself is not very linear). Everything is calm. But I feel that this calmness, this pure silence should be accurately fulfilled with proper content.

When I pay more attention than a normal student should do for history it reckons by me like a non-doing “right” things which include the major study. For some reason, the fear uttered by one sitter at the drawing lesson is still with me and it still has its impact on me. This is the fear of being noticed. Not good, really. As a result, I can be lost among other students and people and girls. The only seen mean by this is reminding you that life is yours only, and there won’t be any other time, any other chance for a living. People around don’t care, so you should care about being yourself.

It seems strange to me that I don’t work like crazy but sleep enough, go to the lesson, talk with people and basically ok. Maybe it’s a result of my confirmation with the idea that I won’t be applied this year and there is no need for a real try. But it’s not so. I must try cause at least it’s fun.

Again Monday

I’m still with the film “Silence”. It came out of the talk with Vlad about the films at all. I couldn’t speak freely and again had no ideas what to say. It’s too difficult for me to express thought about such sacred part of life as faith. I don’t have a habit and carriage. I feel like it’s much more complicated and profound that I previously reckoned it. Therefore, it’s not a time for making clear assumptions on this. It’s time for exploring, it’s time for cleaning a place from prejudices to openness.

It’s not cinematography which made me so addicted to films but ideas and their expression. The questions it raises, the message it sends.

With such mental background, the day went gloomy. I painted a lot and couldn’t find any proper reason in communications. Once I heard that Mary was thinking about dropping out. I went to the canteen with her and asked properly. Her problem is money and lack of real study. My problem is the whole field.  That was a strange pleasure of disclosure.

The painting went as usual: girls were roaming to and fro, I was painting most of the time while felt tiresome. Then half an hour before the end, I like a mouse went away the workshop to breathe fresh air of gray streets.

Yes, it’s the last day of our little holiday. The time out of the institute ends up. Pity. I have already begun feeling freedom and opportunities of spare time. To say nothing about the philosophy course I found on Coursera, as the only history takes a lot. But frankly, I do want a lot just because it’s interesting. It’s interesting and I go with the flow of my passions. Otherwise, the decay can be inevitable.

Two times during this holiday I went to the swimming pool, and both times were fascinating. The first we were learned to work with foot and hands. We figured out that I have the great buoyancy. The second time we were to swim at the central track which is frightening. You know, no bottom underneath. But my fear made me only to swim faster and focus even more. Not to drown. Some moment I got it’s not probable that I would drown though the first ten minutes I felt exhausted. We all managed to swim to and fro the whole track a few times which seemed me hardly possible at the beginning. But I managed with the idea that sport forces you to withstand the hardship. And it’s normal.

That was miraculous to go to the swimming pool and read the modern poetry like nothing could distract me. Afterward, go to the shop and buy something tasty to reward me. Harmony.

But two times I did a silly thing to remember Czech times, exactly, I bought a beer. The first was wishy-washy, the second made me dizzy for the rest of the day. And such result forced me to make a resolution not to repeat.

Today I want to go out though there is a bunch of work (which I have no intention to do and I can foresee some trouble with the session with art subjects). But as Economics’ crash course says doing something you don’t do something else.

Conflicts and delights

This day must be excellent but a bit stressful. The result came out a bit different from my expectations. Recently my enthusiasm about some little stuff is high in the mornings. And today it was the same. I wake up early, just two minutes before the alarm clock (but slept an hour more) The first lesson was the best one – the training. And it’s quite easy to come downstairs and make exercises. As I speak to myself now “The universe itself wants me to have a good fit, and it’s a sin to ignore it” And this idea makes me absolutely happy about the obligation which makes some people moan.

After the gym, it was even more easy to feel the lightness of the holiday. At the lift, I was speaking with one animator and got her passivity about the visit to the museum.

The workshop was empty and two girls who were there didn’t have any enthusiasm about drawing. All wanted to eat the promised heap of pancakes. I was going to and fro. It turned out that one boy was left without a gift because of us. We went down to buy a book but there wasn’t any suitable. Our plan to give him a cake failed for a reason of lack of communication. That was a terrible situation when two of three were gifted but one left neglected. We ate and drunk, I even tried scotch (terrible). The conflict arose afterwards.

That was such a terrible unexpected and distracting situation that I couldn’t make out how to behave. The complicated machine of ethics and profits stuck inside me. Toilet, Instagram and breathing. It was a silent decision to shade away. The passivity and silence while my course mates spoke politely to Sasha about the ins and outs of happened. All was to persuade him in our innocence. To say shortly, it was a philosophy study case. Finally, the other girls bought him a book – something strange. I gave a part of the money. All went down.

But I was talking to Vlad about different American and British accent, we listened to each other. (My inclination to British was clear) That talk with the duration of a few hours made me feel so happy. It was hard for me to grasp quickly, I did forget the thought I wanted to say. (I become stupid while he is speaking so good – bad calls)

I went out quickly and booked an English lesson – that was really motivating for me just to talk about English with someone.

Monday

This is so wonderful but nervous to run through the wet street to the lesson and try to keep up with the small talk about nothing. I hurried but the moment I turned to the audience it was clear – nobody can enter the class. There was small but pleasant talk with cinema scholars and other girls – what a great choice for talking! Then it was a mistake to sit with the same girls I went there. But OK, I let other people enjoy talking to the teacher and discussions. Not all have Saturday’s lessons.

The content was great as usual, with lots of contradictions and topics for reflection or deeper research. Sometimes it seemed hard to catch the red thread but I tried to make such exercises. And there is nowhere to go without the mind lapse when I feel a vacuum in my head which gradually transforms into the images. The magic of thinking. As fast as the lecture had ended and the teacher was ready to discuss something hugely interesting I had to go downstairs.

There was the class of non-Russian speaking people who was to study the language. The small chaotic room with the little blackboard and mess of papers in the cupboard. The female teacher cried loudly as it was an audience for fifty students. There were some evident foreigners as Chinese and Uzbek, and some unrecognizable persons looked like Bulgarian. Two Americans. There were too active and noisy, the study wasn’t effective (to my opinion – little constructive explanations). I tried to focus on the translating pre-intermediate level sentences. I realized that I usually work at the good environment for concentration and don’t have a habit of working in bothering surroundings. But I did my best allegedly it was a serious task. (I often make silly mistakes)

Sitting in the canteen with the girls and eating my noodles with chicken I had already felt exhausted. The effect of efficiency. But it was the painting which was on the agenda else. The workshop had a diffused spirit when I came. The regular, habitual movements with the hands and brushes. Some moments it seemed endurable, some – terribly boring. As it eats up my life. After two highly focused hours, I decided to go away and did so. There is no need to suffer and loaf around the workshop.

The neighbor can come today but I don’t worry at all.

Historical Saturday

It was a failure to wake up at the late morning just because of the cellphone’s bag. No swimming pool but the omelette with onion and coffee. Some notes during the rest of the time. I try to figure out, to clear up all thoughts in my mind into the coherent strategy. Watching some motivational videos throw me back to the condition of development in the mentality at least.

At the street, there was so fresh damp air that I could feel it like in Saint Petersburg or just any place with oxygen everywhere. I bought the ticket to Peter and was happy about that. It’ll be just two days there, just weekend.

The main event of the day is evidently the lesson of Images of the past (or material history of Russia). I went there with great pleasure and the idea of all the possibilities of the life, therefore, was quite positive. The topic, approach and connection between the teacher and students were so organic and highly interesting that I went out for the lunch with the head full of thoughts. Mainly I tried to figure out what for the church make new saints and why murderers (matter of fact) become saints just because of the distraction of the enemy. He couldn’t answer my questions as they were out of historical facts but rather sophisticated human being’s nature.

At the lunch listening to girls’ complaints was unbearable and I replied them something abstract. It’s boring to moan and nag but absolutely interesting to think up, create and found out. The lunch actually was terrible and I got that lunch boxes aren’t just financially good but more tasty else.

To the end of the lesson, I was so excited that hadn’t accepted to go straight to the hostel but to the Coffee Shop. There I did regret about that and decided to not to visit sweet shop ever. The taste of coffee and sugary cakes are so terrible and heavy that it rather overloads you than makes some joy.

I will read the historical document which is a part of the homework now.

morning day

The morning was so beautiful and fresh today. Just a morning at the gym (which is occasionally on the first floor of the hostel) with the calm and enthusiastic female trainer. The whole situation was quite efficient, there were only two of us and a boy, so the trainer could pay attention to us in particular. She showed us a few exercises for a back that I had done wrong before and moreover, it turned out that I had done squats valueless all those months. But then it was a discovery and delight. Nastya besides me helped to get some movement and I did the same for her. Peaceful efficiency.

After that, I had many ideas about life, summer time, purchases and etc. The painting lesson didn’t seem something necessary. I fell in love with the clarity of mind, history, press and books, and the whole idea that all we want to be is possible (just do it!). And as fast as I got it again the ideas and the whole desire to live came back to me. How easy! But there are many things which I must elaborate with my mindset.

Also, I did the terrible thing such as payment for study. In a wave of hand someone’s vacation transformed into a few months of study. Just a magic.

At the painting I went really late, two hours late. The teacher preached me up and tried to convince me that my composition is awful. The arguments were very so beautiful that I write it here. First, the centre of the body is the centre of the composition, second, the long-term professional work at the painting. Super! I was listening to him and couldn’t believe he reckons it enough to be trusted undoubtedly. I do doubt. Since then he hadn’t come to me. And I didn’t want as there wasn’t so much time for rhetoric. I focused and did needed work while others were treading to and fro. That was the greatest idea of mine to cut time for work. The concentration increased and the result was better.

The girls asked for skipping the anatomy lesson and she allowed it. Going to the hostel it was so strange to talk to cartoon art’s girls. Not my tribe obviously. Sasha looked at my food basket I looked at her and there was a gap of lifestyle. I do not disrespect her but her conclusion making process is quite mediocre. No data, no experience but ready prejudices. Some people fit us well some are not. And the background (the same college) doesn’t help it.

What a strange day! At the very beginning, this was terrific though I had so little time for exercises and morning routine. The girl on the street was freezing on the way to the institute in the spring gear and no hat. Surely. Red ankles, red ears.

The history lesson was wonderful and absolutely educating. I had a clean list about the topic before and some ideas after. Vague time in Russia was kinda intriguing, frightening and full of pivotal moments. I was perfectly happy during that time and was agreed to continue. But there were other lessons. But at the corridor, I got how easy it was to attract people while you’re happy yourself. I did talk with one cinema scholar and was welcomed by some other people. That was sort of socializing. Beautiful.

However, I felt so good and could talk with people totally amicable the drawing lesson hadn’t become joyful for me. There was the regular noise of chatting, disorganisation and absence of any motivation for work. To add my own lack of understanding what is the reason for drawing. What is the main purpose? And nothing worked to make anyone focused on the task. Nothing new. Finally, Sasha turned on the dynamics and all people wanted to own music to be sounded. That was absolute chaos. I tried to do something and had actually something done but frankly, I did and do draw worse than at the college. And I skipped the last hour.

What a relief to go out to the snowy street after such a mess! My way was to the trade centre in the suburb. Strange? No, it’s okay to buy dumbbells in the middle of nowhere.  Again I listened to the history while the head was relatively clear and felt confused. So many details are out of my sight! And how primitive the knowledge I get know. However, I’m happy to get more and better than nothing and no way.

At the other trade centre that was a vacuum in my head. The famous poet talked about some social and literal phenomenon but I was out of touch. The whole world is in the room I can see only through the ajar door.   The emptiness and the same time lightness of my own skills\knowledge\experience. Zero. The empty field for creation.

I haven’t still paid for the fee and actually have no desire to. But the common sense and my mom are on the other side of the question. I will finish this year this way or another. For some vague purpose.

Morning notes

Yesterday I even didn’t know what to write about if I wanted to avoid all complaints and whining. I don’t like to whine. But the description of the situation in a word such: the atmosphere is quiet friendly, talkative and joyful, but there is no focus on study and the study itself seems vain as well the content of talks. I couldn’t believe that Nastya really showed me her childhood photos allegedly it’s something interesting. It’s easy to look clever and hard to look hearty.

I run out there after the lesson and appreciated me-time as never ever. It’s all like school again – double life, one of which is formal, other is personal. And the concept of being myself isn’t perfect. Yesterday I tried to improve the set as it was evidently badly made. Nastya supported me before the very moment we needed to pursue the teacher who didn’t want to change anything. Everything remained the same though the teacher’s arguments were weak.

I’m happy in the mornings when I feel so fresh and have a few minutes for reading or learning. I shouldn’t drown in this activity but I feel like it affects me in a bad way. There are discreet manners and full-time sense loneliness. And the task is to stay curious, active, friendly and etc. I don’t want to mix with them and spend hours to find a proper key. No thanks. But it’s evidently weird to sit alone.

And the place for relief is a spare time which I can spend on three activities: study, personal life, and preparation for transfer. Each is immense and demand time, power and discipline. And it’s hardly possible to balance all three. Surely, I can just stop sleeping but I know how harmful it is for my abilities and mood. The other option is to score on the major study and focus on minors which are closer to the desired speciality. I don’t know. Or to work on the majors’ task firstly to free the space for real things. I don’t know what I’m here for, what is the reason of mom’s fear.

Finally, a pretty quiet evening with the mask for my face and some tea.

Yesterday evening the time when my next door neighbour shouldn’t come it was the neighbour of my room who went so unexpectedly. She did so before at the midnight when I and mom were sleeping early to go to the airport the next day. That was totally terrible. Yesterday it was eight o’clock – thank for that. I had known that she is a cinema scholar and basically happy to have studied here. As she said: it’s very specific school. And her rustling packets filled the little table I used as a dressing table again. The rest of the evening I couldn’t focus on my reading (for mastery) and diverted to the observations. At one level I tried to pursue myself in reasonability of keeping doing my business at the other level it was evident that it’s a chance to become a bit more familiar to each other, but the third idea grounded on the first bad experience and desire to live alone asserted me to be no more than formal and living my own life. I wanted to go to sleep early as got tired by two busy days. I read an article, worn the earplugs and sleeping mask, and the whole two or three hours of light on made unlucky attempts to sleep. I heard the noises and thought that it’s the way she wants me to treat her in the morning. In the student hostel, you are treated as you treat. The whole night I struggled with the whirl of ideas in my mind but mostly unsuccessfully.

At the morning with no excuses, I did my exercises and the rest of the morning routine. My heart was unusually disquieting, though. The damming loud sound of cinema about the World War two didn’t help to put me together and write something. All people around seemed freaks which I did not want to mix with. The terrible feeling of the ugly duckling and boredom of society. Strange, but in a moment I turned out from the idea of socializing to the comfort zone where I can mull over the life.

The films were interesting at some points but all were frozen and annoyed with the grieve and suffering at the screen. I was happy to warm up at the canteen where I took a real coffee and enjoyed the sunshine. Then the unpleasant and oddly unfriendly stir with the receipts. (some people still have Soviet mentality).

Usually, I do like lectures on cinema history but today it seemed so little and boring that I did notes only because of the forthcoming exam. My mind couldn’t focus a long time and regularly asked me for an aspirin. The weakness of body and spirit which I use as a justification of my closed nature. I just cannot fake an interest many times. This is why it was a great relief to see that there was no real mastery lesson but easy discussion of the detectives. Margo makes me smile – she is so young, pretty and easy-going that I feel the same besides.

At the hostel, allegedly there was nothing to do I just ate Hermann and watched the late show episode. Things which make my heart a bit lighter. Finally, I don’t have to rueful, I can be myself though it means some openness in order of study and talks.