Yesterday I even didn’t know what to write about if I wanted to avoid all complaints and whining. I don’t like to whine. But the description of the situation in a word such: the atmosphere is quiet friendly, talkative and joyful, but there is no focus on study and the study itself seems vain as well the content of talks. I couldn’t believe that Nastya really showed me her childhood photos allegedly it’s something interesting. It’s easy to look clever and hard to look hearty.
I run out there after the lesson and appreciated me-time as never ever. It’s all like school again – double life, one of which is formal, other is personal. And the concept of being myself isn’t perfect. Yesterday I tried to improve the set as it was evidently badly made. Nastya supported me before the very moment we needed to pursue the teacher who didn’t want to change anything. Everything remained the same though the teacher’s arguments were weak.
I’m happy in the mornings when I feel so fresh and have a few minutes for reading or learning. I shouldn’t drown in this activity but I feel like it affects me in a bad way. There are discreet manners and full-time sense loneliness. And the task is to stay curious, active, friendly and etc. I don’t want to mix with them and spend hours to find a proper key. No thanks. But it’s evidently weird to sit alone.
And the place for relief is a spare time which I can spend on three activities: study, personal life, and preparation for transfer. Each is immense and demand time, power and discipline. And it’s hardly possible to balance all three. Surely, I can just stop sleeping but I know how harmful it is for my abilities and mood. The other option is to score on the major study and focus on minors which are closer to the desired speciality. I don’t know. Or to work on the majors’ task firstly to free the space for real things. I don’t know what I’m here for, what is the reason of mom’s fear.