Everything ready, or it simply seems to be ready. I’m going to Moscow today to end up with the institute and check out of the hostel. That’s the main purposes. The minor ones are to walk and write more, to breathe the air of the capital. I need it as far as I won’t be there probably for a year and I will certainly miss it with all my heart. I do now.

I want to investigate some new places though I will need to pack things and take care of my new status properly. I’m going to take an academic relieve for some time. Just in case. For what exact case I cannot guess. But the thing I know is that it won’t be easy and maybe even psychologically obsessive. However, I simply must do it.

My mind is wandering in search for some faults in preparation but I simply cannot get it. It’s a habit to pack things which make me too calm to be confident in my readiness. No matter!

Besides, there is a book of that woman on studying languages I want to read and some more another books by Tony Buzan.

Today was a busy and noisy day of cleaning up, shopping around and walking through the town.

At the morning we haven’t had our traditional breakfast but delicious coffee and cookies. After that in spite of all my reluctance, we were cleaning up all around the flat. There were so much dust and dirt at the armoires and chandeliers. The endless cat’s wool at the rug which makes the vacuum tough. After all that black dust and ginger wool everywhere I felt weak and tired. But that was not the end, as usual. I made a lunch for us and a bunch of other small things. All I wanted then was the bed. Really, that was the bed. We had good lunch with marinated meat and green beans.

Going out I was a been afraid of all those activities on the streets because I felt too tired to take an active part in those. We watched the old-school cars, the city special equipment and how roads were blocked. The workshops and presentations began by the national library where we were talking with a man who initiated plantation of the trees at the burnt or empty land. A woman gave me a leaflet on the speed reading school.

While we were going through all that tables and tents I couldn’t talk to mom properly, my words got lost in the noise. We relaxed at the small pretty cafe at the central trade house (which is not popular now). There were fresh air, cold tasty milkshakes and the whole spirit of calmness. At that center, we tried some perfumes, looked for jewelry and went out again.

The next destination was … another trade center. For a few hours, we were wandering around the racks of clothes. Strangely, but it’s really hard to understand what do I want while shopping with mom. We have different tastes but what is more important we have different financial status in such situation. And it bothers me, it makes me ascetic. Another point is that I don’t like mass markets and I don’t like to spend scarce money on clothes.  I’d prefer small shops. Big problem! I know this!

The town was joyful when we went out there. There were young boxers, basketballers, wrestler, some interesting dancing classes, stand-up comedians (which weren’t funny) and non-professional singers. At the bay, the fuss was noisier and less interesting though quite colorful. We were pretty tired and soon went away to have a dinner at the local cafe. That one evidently became poorer with time and lost the former secularism.

Though I had many thoughts and ideas during the day it seems so tiresome now, after hot tea, evening news and the whole day on foot.

Today

So, lately, I was deeply encouraged by the person I randomly found on YouTube. It sounds silly and it can be so. Two days I was running to and fro making different things with the huge amount of fuel inside. I wanted to learn her determination, energy, her smartness and active way of living. I saw how cleverness and insistence made her a top. Today I went for a short walk to the Volga bay. There was her interview at Scotland and me going by the embankment during the sunset. She spoke about socio-psychology, languages, the way it changes us mentally and culturally. There were good arguments which triggered me to study psychology and culture studies. That’s like an ajar door with the strip of light inside and I want to open it widely, go inside and find more.

There is a hope in my heart, there is energy and there is a determination. No matter that for the moment I struggle with history study and need patience, focus and creative thinking.

I’m stacked. Recently I could spend hours for studying history and English but now I can hardly push myself to think about plein air’s activity. That’s strange and terrible the same time. The action I was eager to do during college years, now is a reluctant thing. My hours are spent with high futility and boredom. I am just afraid of any steps. I’m afraid of looking like I’m not like an artist and vice versa. That’s a headache which worn me out.

June home 104But sure, there are the great educational programs which seem to me interesting. They all require extremely high score at the exams. And I’m afraid I’m not that smart.

Now my inner feeling looks like a bent pet at the corner with no desire to go out and shop. There is nothing I’d like more than calm and clear vision. I’ve spent the whole year on hesitation, doubts, anxiety and low self-estimation. And my life has stopped. My inner force which helped me to move forward and make jokes now is a small and dreamy one. It’s still difficult for me to consider life with gravity. I still have high hopes and dreams. However, my inner voice speaks to me that staying where I am now is not a good idea at all. My inner voice still has this opinion. It still has one.