The first working day of this week and I’ve being sick by it already.

In spite the fact that I couldn’t get asleep for a really long time (as usual recently) and even wrote a post under the blanket the last night, today I’ve got up in time. The grey reality of late sunrise and calm show falling down. The road to the work lost its autumn charm and became timid. Summer, autumn and spring don’t seem regular to this place, those seasons are rather moments to come and go. The winter, on the other hand, is the natural state, it’s emptiness, deadness is the ultimate truth. It’s constant and moveless, it’s like a person without makeup and outwear, just like it is. Ugliness is a constant. 

While complecting mediocre books at work I was even considering should I or should I not to write it down. I mean the fact that most of the day I spend making the machinery work. And obviously, I decided to write it down. That easily made my tangible (after weekend) mind to bore. The girl who works with me amazes me week by week with her local dialect. She’s a good person but I can’t help noticing her illiteracy. 

I was desperate to play some phrases I watched in “BlacKkKlansMan” or to act at all, to say things out loud and move my body. “I’m black and I’m proud!” for example. Or “I never considered myself as a Jew and then I was there denying it out loud” (roughly) That’s so strange to not to be able to discuss a film! I really liked this one though originally I just wanted to watch some Adam Driver’s acting. (such a fifteen-years-old logic!) 

I took a taxi to get to the New town, and it was wise considering the traffic jam. But the driver amazed me, he drove a car and watched a film on a tablet! Sorry, what?! I was listening to a new Pozner interview and didn’t care. I came earlier and finished earlier.


films are everywhere

This day was quite strange (as all days when I write are). I woke up slowly and being aware of time and place. It was grey and white behind the curtains. Probably it had been snowing all night. Good exercises and the memory of yesterday night’s film made me feel fresh and alive.

As a matter of fact, it was SW I watched. And the funny thing is that I didn’t plan it I just felt terribly sad and lonely. Recently I’ve been using Social Media control app and extension, that allows me to use addictive sites only 30 minutes per day. And as a result, I had and still have a terrible craving for it. But it’s constructed in a way you can’t fix it or change on the same day. So I was locked out of all those stupid videos and articles while the day was grey, studies went slow and unemotional at all (like you expect emotions from studies). The fresh walk made me realise that I need to watch films like I did before. Watch the classic ones from the lists and the premieres. I crave for visiting theatres and having thoughts and emotions there.

At the weekend I had finally finished reading a marvellous book about the script writing by McKee. It spoke out loud both my own ides and his better structured and observant studies. It filled me with the excitement of discovery, a desire to observe and notice. It was like I’m again a girl going crazy by Chekhov’s plays and ready to analyse, imagine and declare it with irrational eager.

One thing he (McKee) wrote was right about the effect films can have on people. The emotions they create leave in the theatre, but the mood can chase us for hours, days, weeks, months, even for years. And it seems right, I don’t feel the emotions I had while reading Harry Potter’s fifth book, but the mood is still there. The same is truthful for TLJ. Thought the climaxes excite and terrify me every time, it’s only the mood, the image, the smell of it that stays with me in time of “real life”. It’s the wide beauty I rose in my mind, but not entirely the product of the filmmakers.

And it seems like a full circle back to love for films and drama I’ve lost. Such inner sense makes me feel almost surreal in normal life. This shuck just cannot be taken seriously.

Monday being Tuesday

It was a day pressed down by clouds and greyness. Again I didn’t manage to get up at the time and did everything in haste. Outside it’s all strangely grey like there is a gloomy autumn finally. In the morning I was all about dreams of SW and ideas read yesterday in McKee’s “Story”. It broke off fast enough.

Probably, it’s a show about wealthy Russians migrating to London, which made me perceive my colleagues as highly provincial. But truly, it’s just the same thing as it was at the beginning of the interaction. And people coming was at the same level. All those complaints about things we cannot control, all those kinda intelligent comments about Russia and Russians being invalid country and people. They all just talk and feel good in such obvious observation. It’s strange to me. And irritating. Surely the viewing of “Leviathan” on Friday made me contemplate on this topic once again, but I don’t want to make acrimonious comments and feel right in doing only this. It’s a lame logic for me.

Yesterday I agreed with myself to eliminate social media in my daily routine and do some educational stuff like reading. Today I almost immediately went cold turkey. I even started to google some filming news and then pulled myself back. And in the evening I spend almost an hour reading and listening that “SW news”. That made me assume the same thing as yesterday and the same thing I had assumed after watching “The Force Awakens” in the theatre for the first lime. It’s going to be a total disaster, they won’t make it right, the level of drama will be the way lower than the Eighth and I’ll be disappointed at the end. There is simply no way to make it better.


Plus to being cold turkey I had a female client who printed the documents for UK visa. I read it through and got that she had a Lithuanian husband who worked as a recycler in the UK as an EU citizen. Their photo seemed strange to me, almost like fictional, but it could be real. What couldn’t be real is the fact that she’s doing it and I feel surreal giving her copies and saying regular things like I have no interest. The universe tries to flick me on the forehead reminding things. All the time.

mystical circle

It seems that every next day becomes more magical and movie-like than the previous one. Today when I hardly got up after the vague grey-coloured dreams about SW and drew back the curtain nature outside appeared mystic. Everything was in white mist, it covered every tree, leave and road. It instantly reminded me Prague. Fog over the river. On the road to work, I enjoyed every bit of nature but couldn’t capture (because of me regularly being late) it seemed like a proper film decoration. My mind was playing tricks with me again.

As always I tried to write some poetic (or not) thoughts in the notebook, but work is the work and it didn’t make one a space for it. But after yesterday’s viewing of “The Director and the Jedi” – the film about filming “The Last Jedi”, I was probably over-inspired. Everything looked so easy and manageable that I had done a tone of work and made some bossy notes before lunch.

At the cafe/canteen while eating pumpkin soup I was observing a situation at the exit. For some time, a homeless man had been sitting at the table, then he desired to get into the lavatory. Obviously, his idea wasn’t liked by the stuff, they closed the lavatory and tried to get him out. He started to exclaim “Let wash hands, let wash hands, let wash hands!”. This all was quite curious. I watched how young waitresses were managing it, how they were reacting. It was a total ultimatum for a homeless guy. I suppose he could close himself inside and sleep, and maybe he even had already done something of that sort. Finally, the chain started with a feeble waitress, more solid female kitchen worker ended with a big plumber who had grabbed him and took away. Unwillingly it came to mind that this town stinks how a homeless one, and what a luck we have cold weather to blow it away.

More texture I’ve got sitting at the other cafe (where I normally write notes) and I could observe the same homeless man being hesitant about coming into the cafe and then checking a bin for something (then I saw him wandering around the street). At the next table, there were pupils who were learning German, I could hear familiar words and even see a hand-written dictionary in a school notebook. So cute! While coffee was being drunk I could hear some phrases they exchanged. When one of them said that people in Ukraine chop the heads, I was a bit disappointed and charmed by the humour the universe has. People are constantly being ridiculous (while thinking of themselves as normal). The other woman literally cried out to her cellphone about Orenburg area and some covenants. It looked very vulgar and unmannerly though it’s a humour, isn’t it?

But the Sun shone on the house across the street and a tree was still frozen. It looked like a complete harmony.

The rest of the day I spend wearing a jacket as a medieval cloak (with awareness of being pathetic) and making ambiguous jokes out of everything. If you can’t fix things you still can laugh it out. It’s all a sad satire with plain actors.

At home, I did enjoy the beginning of “The Director and the Jedi” again. And again I adored and was totally preoccupied with the full production process. I wish I could see more exact details, more of pain and struggles on the way. Like their mention of not being off the project the whole time but 10 Christmas days, what makes it 3 months of non-stop hard working.  It seemed delusion to them all at the end.

This all turns out to be an odd circle I’m making.

While making some money

So, this slow day filled with work and contemplation has finished. Yesterday after tennis workout and shower I watched “The Last Jedi” another time. That was a stressful day, my customer requested a work to redo (which I did for two days) therefore I wanted to shut the whole world and hide somewhere.

Today I could really work. Eric Satie music on the background, certain workplace and then some calm podcasts on the film I still like. These days of work I had been pondering about creative work at all. This little project made me feel like I’m at the Art department again like there are a viewing and all things from the past. It reminded me of how dull creative work can be, how intimidating one can feel in front of a customer. And it reminded me of the freedom it gives, freedom of even more work with customers and freedom of not talking to random people. The most prominent thing I re-realised is that creative work is not an entertaining walk in the park but a hard labour from day to day. It is more of a struggle that hovering above clouds. But I do hover above clouds about Star Wars and it’s production. I’m partially naive about it all and get it.

As yesterday night I rewatched The Last Jedi today I came to a conclusion that it’s still a blockbuster, not a drama, the romance topic is quite subtle and not so blunt and underrepresented as dummy fans see and want it. And there are logical flaws. But that all means nothing if it touches my heart and makes it beat faster. Also, I understood that the thing which made a lot of fans so angry and disappointed with the film were expectations. They build their own theories, they were sure of certain things to be important, but the film didn’t meet their hopes. So I shouldn’t expect things, I must trust filmmakers on this. (like I have any choice on this matter. Naive girl) I’m better to forget about it all and reveal once again at 1 January of 2020.

Country party

It’s really hard to keep thoughts inside such a small head. Yesterday mom and I spend about six hours at the anniversary celebration of my grandmother’s younger brother. That was very queer for me. We went there by taxi. It was the end of a street in a country which isn’t so easy to drive. So, for me, it’s an obvious downturn.

We came inside and almost immediately we met my cousin. She changed in a bad way, got weight. I didn’t know what to do, people who in the best cases I barely knew approached me hugged and asked some questions (like we were close friends, but we weren’t). There was a long table with appetizers on it. I felt as uncomfortable as it was a foreign country to me. People around spoke Chuvash loudly, made stupid jokes and nickered. The whole evening I tried to keep my face friendly or neutral. But the food was good (thanks to a cooker). We gifted one of my pictures (which I couldn’t sell for years) and they seemed satisfied.

After the first serving, I went to the backyard to hide from the strange relatives and maybe to read. I suppose I looked exactly like silent closed people who sit with a book during a party. People were amazed by me not dancing or talking to someone. But once I was at the bench swing three older women surrounded me and interrogated with obvious but hard to answer questions. Where am I, what do I do and etc? My official legend is Moscow, VGIK (what rings no bell in their mind), painting. It’s not so easy to tell it when you don’t feel it in so many levels. And you know almost nothing about interviewers.

People were of the kind I precisely expected. Interests in gardening, pension reform, children, but gardening in the first place. The young people who drove later were like their children. Mothers suffering from post-childbirth weight gain, speaking vulgarly about Turkish hotels where you can swim (really?) and controlling their children with dull toys in their hands. No way I wanted to network with them. My cousin and I had a moment of talk drinking red wine, we tried to recall old times when we spend so much time together. But frankly speaking, at this moment we are so distant in life and mindset. She has two children, a husband and a job at her father’s factory. When they gave me a lift afterwards her son spoke: мой язык жгет. Firstly I thought that it’s just an unaware child making mistakes but then both mother and father said it. So I couldn’t restrain myself and made a notice that it’s right to tell жжёт. Then I lamely tried to smooth it. But whatever snob inside of me can’t bear such rude mistakes.

In my attempt to hide I sneaked out of the house and walked down to a pond. It was naturally beautiful and calm (though music destroyed the silence). I made photos and wanted to row there. In the evening I returned and had been standing at a small wharf for a long time looking at the waves and colour of sunset. I recall the first time I got to such a country style only-relatives party, I was four or five. I couldn’t stand the noise and left the banket hall to draw in the other room. I remember drawing a dolphin while they drunk.  Things don’t really change, do they?

This is one of those days when my own flat seems to be a prison of wrong decisions. I oscillate from one activity to another with a constant sadness. OK, it looks like every post of mine is about sadness but in reality, I can be quite satisfied and enthusiastic about my routine. Yesterday, for example, I did some more SS work, went to the swimming pool (and had my own swimming track) and met with Kate (from ChuvSU) and the whole day I felt strong and self-assured.

However, this morning was basically idle and fruitless, then in the afternoon, I tried (not really) to draw that house I started. Such a dull task! I shouldn’t pick it in the first place. At two o’clock I left it the way it was, took my backpack and went to the library. Surprisingly, it wasn’t completely empty, but quite enough to go into study flow. Making a mind map of a pretty simple and more or less straightforward topic I found out a certain mutual connection between generating new technologies and the rise in schooling years. Probably, it’s obvious, but it’s pleasing to find myself.

More I visit MacCafe more I ascertain that it’s not a place for me. There are too many children, parents, and strange looking people. Back at home, I tried to draw the same house with the same success. But simultaneously I listened to a Michael Sandel lecture and students debate about African-American people’s educational opportunities. Such a distant but familiar problem for me (kinda provincial/moscowian problem).

When mom came The Problem arose again like a silent wall or a gigantic pillar. Or at least I felt it that way. The request for my being at some relative anniversary party out of the town, and as a result another review of my pictures to be gifted. The question of me not leaving hometown.

And actually I mull over it more and more, I’m almost persuaded by myself to it. But my game is about getting better not drowning here. I have an acceptable plan for a tired adult craving for education.

So, this day is almost ended and as far as I promised myself to write a diary, I’m here. Today nothing special happened. I woke up a bit late, at eight-ten, didn’t want to jog and made exercises for glutes at home. During the breakfast, I watched a video about Molier (but it was more about French theatre in common). I came to a conclusion that all those crash course videos which I liked so much before are rather frustrating and distracting. Of course, I washed the dishes but without previous enthusiasm, it’s just a chore. Every time I turn to the kitchen sink something little dies inside me. It’s sort of treachery to my values, to my vision of life, the way I always thought was mine. But still, I do wash up every morning like I always wanted to be free of that routine.

After that, I came to my room and was going to make a mind map for SS, but instead, I recorded the flashcards in Anki. I got distracted, I looked up for a textbook for mom. It was lunch time but no hunger was presented. So I waited and then fried eggs. Lazy lunch. During lunch, I watched an episode of Scrubs.

After that, I decided to go out for sketching (come on! Who are you trying to trick?) Slowly I got ready, chose some podcast, but it was boring anyway. At the Lakreevsky park, I wrote down my thoughts about life and the whole idea of coming back to VGIK. Is it gonna work or not? Looks like not. Anyway, the way back home I visited the bookstore and impulsively bought a beautiful violet binder and fine pens. I was inspired by the binder like I was going to use to something interesting.

At home, I started to draw a house and watch Scrubs at the same time. My mood rose because of the comedy. It’s stupid but still works. I haven’t really progressed in the drawing. My feelings are totally strange about drawing, it seems a bit ridiculous to me now when we have a superpower of computers.

A tennis training was good, I did well and was praised. I like to be praised.

Monday after holiday

Beside the cold wind and snow storm, my holiday got finished. In spite of all my despise of this idea, I went to the Uni yesterday. How was it? That was all expected and predicted. A philosophy teacher appeared to be a tired woman with 3000K students and the terribly complex subject she hardly knows. Plump and angry. So, there is no hope for improvement.

I was friendly with girls but at the lunch break went to the empty hall to sit and calm down. My head was splitting because of the weather, bad lecture and stifling atmosphere in an auditorium. The lecture was ridiculous, a lecturer was sight-reading a sheet of English text. At the middle of the lecture, someone found a text and shared it online. I started to use it and (Surprise!) managed to do more than she read. At the last lesson, we watched some specific videos (on YouTube) and I couldn’t keep my attention, that was boring and the audio system harshly bit to my ears. Finally, I forgot my purse at the toilet.

I have much thought right now and many of them are about future and this moment.

first exam

Today I had the first exam at this University. The hardest part was in the morning, I had to get up at six and be in a place at 8.30. Long time I tried to persuade myself to sleep more, but then I pushed myself out of the bed and slowly started to get ready. Mom got up too, she cannot sleep after alarm clocks. At the breakfast, I forced myself to eat an oatmeal, though I wanted something new and tasty. The way to the University I was thinking about million things beginning with the thought that didn’t make me sleep at night (it was a wonder: What if Rey will turn to the Dark side at the ninth episode, this would be very surprising) and finishing with the comparison of trees on the hills and the Breighel’s picture.

I run into the hall where group-mates were sitting. It turned out that one girl picked up the documents because of the financial situation. (I’m amazed by a social gap, some pays 450K and think they’re ordinary, some cannot handle 20K but think they’re ordinary too) However, I’d got a good partner for preparing dialogues. In the audience, I felt really strange because there was too much mindreading without any explanations. Finally, we had a short boring dialogue which the teacher didn’t like. I underperformed. After that, I wrote sentences. I was the last in the room and I got four. And I certainly couldn’t care less. Now all I want is to sleep or go out but not to take the textbooks and learn anything. No, please, no.

P.S. Right now I experience an emptiness and timidness of life without star wars. It’s my regular boring life without a spark of creativity. But I caught it, felt an excitement of making up new things and now I feel necessity for this. That’s great to use fantasy, mind and courage to make something.