Routine kills, routine pushes

Mom speaks I became more grumpy and critical. And that’s true. Week by week our Sundays are going the same routine way: cleaning up, washing, shopping around the town, making the dinner and a bath. Every evening of such day my head is spinning like a carousel, full of lights and colours of the shops and TV. TV is the other story, my mom has a habit to watch it the whole Sunday morning. As for me, it makes me feel disoriented and stupid. I like to make exercises at the calm room.

Today I even bitterly complained to mother about this all. I mean the endless necessity to wash up, clean up and buy buy buy. Her response was quite predictable. She said that I need to outsource those tasks to the stuff, which evidently includes earning more money. And that’s true. I’m sick of such a lifestyle! It’s ridiculous to spend a major time on the service for your life but not its essence. So I need to develop which raises the main question.

What is the field for my growth? Recently I often think about coming back to the institute and taking the second part-time education at the theoretical department (at the other University). My preparation for the exams is scarce, I didn’t move at all since the study started. And I’m not naive enough to believe I will be enormously better farther. The other thing I think of is taking IELTS exam as far as I have time for preparation and some opportunity for this (and I need to support the language in the form – University makes me deteriorate).  But I’m not sure what path to choose and to apportion my priorities. That’s tricky. But if I need another lifestyle (which I certainly need) there is no way out only through. I must decide.

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Friday

No matter what intentions I have, my alarm clock has its own vision of my morning. It didn’t work and as a result, I overslept the first lesson. The silly thing is that yesterday evening I spent on the homework but haven’t handed it. No matter. Sun shone bright and I actively thought about the lack of own life last time. I stopped making any notes and watching self-educating videos, and moreover, I feel devastated by the study (though it takes not much time). It just obsesses you. The life again got that home-study mode.

Today we again had basic English and it was so stressful. At the beginning, she spent fifteen minutes on lecturing about our behavior which to my mind was odd. She continued to press on us during the whole lesson. Surely there were again slow translating and her picking us. Students went out for a rest (many has a flue) One moment I really felt the blank page inside my mind, like something utterly stressful, was happening. The same feeling I had at the quest with the actor who played a madman – I couldn’t move at all. There was pretty much the same. After two lessons with this vampire, we all were tired, angry and empty minded. That’s not a deal. Maybe I will try to change the group on Monday.

It looks for me quite terrible – this way of teaching, it’s like she doesn’t have a proper pedagogical education herself. What other reason can be for her ignorance in psychology? I don’t know. It’s a pity to see such “professionals”.

To have some relief I went to McCafe listening Adele’s early songs and repeating after her. There I watched some YouTube videos, relaxed and went home.

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There is something odd going on with me. I started to miss all the painting staff like plain air and sketching. Many ideas come to my mind unwillingly. Maybe it’s Mary who evokes that spirit in me. But this sense makes me feel so stupid and inadequate. The sense of perplexity becomes even bigger because of it. Should I give up the plan and come back to that work though I was there so much time and hadn’t become a star? Someone must know answers. Someone must.

Today I couldn’t struggle the reluctance about Basic English (which is really basic and boring) and went out home late, walked on the street made photo and felt terrible about that. The weather was perfect, blue sky and lots of light everywhere. Like a picture. However, slowness and perplexity make me feel such disgust that I can hardly bear it. Stupid!

That’s not the type of life I was going to have. All repeats again, all those needs and lack. It is not a surprise but my inner critics question me about such stagnation more and more frequently. I like process, progress, and results. So I need it like an air. And surely I am a work-oriented person and it’s one of my main priorities which I must manage.

Monday of a new week

The day went as it went. I didn’t go to the hospital for the analyses and slept enough for me. After the delicious breakfast all the morning before the lessons I prepared for those lessons. I found out my mind map of the lectures quite useful. And basically I’m ok with studying process, it’s fun, it’s like a game. I used the lazy quick writing of all I know on the paper.  Helpful tool.

I was late and came into the class while the teacher was reading the list. At the beginning it was ok, we pronounced the exercises, then there was a control on the topic I prepared in the morning, so basically it was ok.  But then we started that terribly long and boring process of checking other people’s tests. That was so tiresome. At the lunch break, I ate fast at the small canteen full of the local student. I never felt so different from them. I could even perceive their small town mentality.While sitting there I came to the idea that we all suppose something for future, but future is nothing without now.  Nothing will change in the future if it doesn’t change now. Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor?

Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor? A talk with the law student made me feel so strange. So surprise! He offered to come to the cinema club and moreover he knows the local theatre director. Something strange happens. I easily speak to people and they believe that I know things I speak about. That law student was so surprised by the fact I watched Citizen Kane.

Language history lecture went boring for most of those zombie-students who write every single word. As for me, there wasn’t much information but I was for some reason inspired. Maybe it’s my thoughts on Arzamas as the great new educational format which makes me think of associations. And it pushes my mind. Associations are the great tool for learning. Actually, we do all thinking by associations unconsciously. So I’m going to attach all the information to the things I already know. I’m going to think in a way: what does it remind me of? What do I have already know about this? etc. That’s obvious but so efficient.

Sundays usually are something irregular. Mom is in the kitchen in the morning, there is TV talking on health and a whole day ahead for cleaning up and making dishes.  The apple pie on the breakfast and some coffee. Not my preference but the excess of the apples.

After the noisy breakfast, we went out with the bag of the books. The black plastic bag full of rubbish books. Librarian took our books and we fastly came out the old and small library. Once I spend time there for one school project, and that was pretty interesting then. After that, I had a running from one customer service center to another with the only purpose of closing my Sim card. Finally, I needed to do it by cell phone. The second thing I did was the purchase of the transport card. I went to the place and immediately got that today is Sunday and the office wasn’t working.

At home, I had two tasks, such as washing up and vacuuming. All the time I listened to Russian History podcasts and BBC radio. The dinner time I watched a sweet film called “Letters to Juliet” and cooked pasta the same time. The film’s story was lovely and miraculous. A thing I need now.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I do not even want to talk about it. Every year I only desire to hide this day. I need to plan it ahead carefully and keep up with the plan. In another case, I chose to go to the upscale restaurant and do nothing more.

Also, I glimpsed through my book of Kafka diary and instantly got European spirit.

29 August

I can drink my cacao by the window with the view of the nonstop rain outside. It reliefs, it warms and it let me leave my tiresome behind.

This morning the light low clouds welcomed me at the other place than yesterday. Short (2-3 hours) drops of sleep gifted me surreal fantasies and images which I can only think up half asleep. There was enough time to get ready for the departure. The entrance of the town was as usual strange and had a strong character of the province. It’s the low a bit dirty buildings, narrow streets and basically less quantity and quality. No surprise. I hardly got my luggage out of the coach and was standing at the cold bus station in the rain without an option to move. Mom came fast and so was a taxi. We got to the house and had to carry two really hard and precarious bags which we had done with some effort.

Though I and mom were tired we made a breakfast and had it calmly. She started to get ready to the work I opened the bag and begun unpacking. As usual, that managed to be faster than packing. Then I did some planning for a few days and other stuff with the laptop. One moment I got that I simply cannot think – like a computer glitch. I got out of the flat and yes there was a rain outside.

I got out of the flat and yes there was a rain outside. The trade center was quiet and calm in the middle of the work day. I shopped around the jewelry shops looking for watches. At the second floor, I found out the watches shop and spend some time there. I tried a few samples until I bought silver ones with the metallic watchband. After that my walk continued at the clothes shops. Unfortunately, at the Russian shop, there wasn’t any shorts or jacket with the prevalence of cotton instead of polyester. At the basement floor, the big mass market of sports equipment was full of my necessities. But they all cost a pretty penny.

The road back I stumbled on the conductor who was my math teacher at the last school years. I pretended not to notice. So was my tired sleepy day which is going to continue.

Everything ready, or it simply seems to be ready. I’m going to Moscow today to end up with the institute and check out of the hostel. That’s the main purposes. The minor ones are to walk and write more, to breathe the air of the capital. I need it as far as I won’t be there probably for a year and I will certainly miss it with all my heart. I do now.

I want to investigate some new places though I will need to pack things and take care of my new status properly. I’m going to take an academic relieve for some time. Just in case. For what exact case I cannot guess. But the thing I know is that it won’t be easy and maybe even psychologically obsessive. However, I simply must do it.

My mind is wandering in search for some faults in preparation but I simply cannot get it. It’s a habit to pack things which make me too calm to be confident in my readiness. No matter!

Besides, there is a book of that woman on studying languages I want to read and some more another books by Tony Buzan.

I’m stacked. Recently I could spend hours for studying history and English but now I can hardly push myself to think about plein air’s activity. That’s strange and terrible the same time. The action I was eager to do during college years, now is a reluctant thing. My hours are spent with high futility and boredom. I am just afraid of any steps. I’m afraid of looking like I’m not like an artist and vice versa. That’s a headache which worn me out.

June home 104But sure, there are the great educational programs which seem to me interesting. They all require extremely high score at the exams. And I’m afraid I’m not that smart.

Now my inner feeling looks like a bent pet at the corner with no desire to go out and shop. There is nothing I’d like more than calm and clear vision. I’ve spent the whole year on hesitation, doubts, anxiety and low self-estimation. And my life has stopped. My inner force which helped me to move forward and make jokes now is a small and dreamy one. It’s still difficult for me to consider life with gravity. I still have high hopes and dreams. However, my inner voice speaks to me that staying where I am now is not a good idea at all. My inner voice still has this opinion. It still has one.

 

All this warmth and all this coldness.

I overslept for a half of an hour and did exercises in a rush instead of a jog. Mom boiled some porridge for us and we had breakfast together in the sunny kitchen. During the road through the chip district, my head was light and empty, the same continued when I entered the University without paying any attention to the crowd of young applicants in front of the gym. While the exam passport was given I interacted with a girl who was coming to the English exam too. In spite of her medical background, she seemed boring – who does the cheat sheets before the very exam? We were sitting in the empty auditorium for about fifteen minutes in total boredom. I had managed to notice the leak in the ceiling, construction of the tables (which weren’t tables but the composition of iron balks and countertop), newness and the cheapness of the building. I’d noticed the silly phrases hand written on the table. Twice I was recognized as a teacher.

Then the woman came in and for more ten minutes set the equipment. The papers she gave us were surprisingly familiar. That was the first option on the site I used. Some answers were familiar even before the listening. The critical moment was speaking as I remember that there needed a structural answer but I hadn’t rehearsed any answers at all. I did some mistakes while speaking and heard it. After that boring process, I returned to writing. I rewrote three paragraphs about space. That seemed more or less interesting. After completing all the papers I got out of that cold chip auditorium.

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The Institute and this University have in common bad new construction – painted walls and new doors, but they are the same impersonal and cold. You know, organizations built something new because of the pure need, and in this necessity very often makes them neglect aesthetics. After a few years, such building starts being and looking like unpleasant woodshed with broken parts but still able to work on the main purpose. Like an ugly loo.

There is a plenty of things I could reflect on after that exam. The main was the same. “What do I do? I’m not going to be a linguist and work on an employer. ”

Hot weather makes us all feel dizzy and unconscious. It was a great idea to swim at the pool after lunch.

Moscow application 2017

After the kind and lovely film with Jim Carey, after the strange dream at five a.m. I opened eyes at Moscow suburb. There was warm springy Sun and people were slowly going somewhere. Finally, I felt nothing but some faint romantic relief in my breast. The closer I was to the hostel tenser I became. At the dark room at a half to eight, there was my unpleasant roommate. But moreover, her being there, her things were put on my bed in some terrible disorder, there were lots of sacks everywhere. OK, I just had no desire to lecture her, so I was simply angry. Surely, nobody cleaned the common room and the bathroom had become horribly dirty. Someone used my sponge, toilet paper, and dishwashing liquid. Fun isn’t it. That was a point I lost any respect for them. I had to change the room a long time ago and live in a tiny but clean and friendly environment.

Quite strange but my heart was silent while I was going to the Institute (to pay for the hostel) and some thoughts were flawed in my mind. Probably, I exaggerate, but there was an empty space and I couldn’t feel anything warm inside. I didn’t want to be noticed and as fast as I found the cash-desk closed I went away. People who were going there made me feel so different and some kind of lonely.

At the favorite street, I firstly walked a bit to feel that terrific vibes. Then despite all my desire to walk farther, I came back to the library. You know libraries are so good spaces for learning. Even me in a sad state of mind with all those low self-esteem stuff could focus there and just learn something. Before I got hunger I managed many things and came around to the idea of the usefulness of the libraries.

The cafe I came in was as usual wonderful. I took great soap and a potato, I was sitting there “as usual” looking at the people who just had lunch. Only there I could frankly think about changing the wardrobe. Then that was the bookshop where my sense of strangeness was high. I never really buy books. If I buy them it’s never that romantic long process, it’s more like a deal.

Then again library, low self-esteem and the idea that it’s going to fail. At that library, it often comes to my mind that the thing I study is so primary comparing with their exam preparations and other activities. But finally, it’s OK, nobody matters.

After some time I went for a walk at the center. It was shining with Sun and good looking people around. I visited an old bookshop, drunk coffee and ate a burger at the quiet square by the university campus. There was so wonderful sight. And no tourists around. But I must confess that my only and the most important problem is the sharp loneliness. The great city in its blossom but I don’t want anything alone. And I feel even more alienated than ever. Adding the common recent state I try not to cry because of the stupidity of the roommate. Isn’t it silly? I just must work on my network.