daily, reflection, scribbling

Some road thoughts

I just wanted to say that it’s quite terrible to feel like you could (and maybe should) be at good master degree program, but your documents can’t be accepted even at the local BA programs for the reason of law. How often in our roads of life we just shuffle slowly instead of going straight or running? Trying to get accepted by some low-ranked universities while you know your place must be some better ones.

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Such days I perceive misplaced. It comes clearly and sharp. It comes with the delusion of the big and old city some streets create under the rain. It’s just a great contrast between me and all those green applicants who want to feel safe and legitimate.

The other thing I got lately was a simple idea. You really need to work for a progress, not just wait for it to happen. Evidently. But why is it so new? Maybe because last year I rather acted in order to avoid, not to achieve.  Now I am sick of the foundation of my life now and see that there is a lot to repair and create.

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daily, reflection, scribbling, senses

Reflecting at the cafe

So, most of the days I spend learning either history or social study and have nothing to do outside the flat. Sometimes as it’s been just now I go down the street to refresh my mind. That’s basically all I do.

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A month ago at my hometown, the mass cafe – McCafe was opened.  And today I was there again (it opened here) and did the regular thing I do at the public places – watching people. People are actually the most variable part of that cafe and the most important. Because it speaks for itself. Both times it was like a time machine into the past – talks and types of the girls around were surprisingly the same as it was many years ago. (I don’t mean a type of wear they took but sort of talk they had) While quantity didn’t change they got (I presume) that dump sense of involvement in the western world. An awkward pretty girl had done all she could (make-up, clothes, and location-cafe) to be like “them”. But the magic hadn’t happened. That wasn’t enough to immediately become a part of “that” world and thereafter be happy.  Faking felt around quite sharp.

The more time I stay here the clearer reasons why I was eager to move on become. There are no good or bad towns but suitable for you personally or not. Not a moral problem.

But at the field of the preparation, I’m (yes) diligent and hesitating. Sometimes I can legibly hear a teeny tiny voice speaking to me that’s it’s all a silly idea and I am not able to endure this all properly and will only decrease. I cannot imagine the whole study process containing a pile of information. Plus to this, I’ve got some creative ideas outside the institute’s walls. While I’m free I think easily. (But I still despise drawing)

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daily, reflection, scribbling, to improve

Tuesday in a room

I want to be honest with myself and not hide my own laziness and weakness in perspective of the future rereading of these notes.

The whole day I could observe the variety of gray clouds above geometry of housing area. It went to the right verge of the window as well as rare planes flying somewhere from the nearest airport. My sketches were put on the bed in order to be observed, and pencils were at the table to use them directly. I did draw the sketches, yes. But the more frequent move was the escape. It took different forms like watching book reviews, refreshing Instagram, reading the university sites, making tea, eating dried fruits, going to the kitchen to fry the lunch. After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”.

After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”. Maybe, my vision changed by the influence of constant watching the classic, but it seemed me so scarce and hard to understand that couldn’t believe I liked it years ago.

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In a word, the whole day I tried to avoid working on the mastery in a proper way. But the truth is that I must do this and there is no other way but actually working on it. It reminds me the way I successfully avoided some tasks on the book art course; I had them done as quickly as possible in the most concentrated condition (which is the effort, not the mood to wait). So I need to have this done, it’s decided.

Perhaps, I can sound pathetically, but I suppose I need to come back to the idea of the essence of life. It means the understanding of every single day as a part of your own life. Nobody procrastinates in dreams, but everybody achieves. Isn’t it simple? What is great and exciting for me to achieve during this seven weeks? The answer is certainly not “have watched all book reviews on YouTube” or be in touch with every picture on Instagram. Sometimes I really want to turn them off and leave only the Anki-droid and Dictionary.  As I understood I totally cannot accept the work on somebody, I need to be responsible and independent. (the bad side of which is inconsistency and uncertainty) I need to feel my own control over my own life.

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daily, scribbling

It’s so magnificently warm and bright on the street, there is so fresh summer air which is talking to all of us to go out, to play something on the grass, to drink wine sitting at the wooden branch and watching the sunset. The image of summer is ahead.

But the morning was distinct because of the greyness of sky and hardship of being there. I did read the papers for the report and happily went out. I reckoned to paint today as it could be the college. There was almost no one at the workshop. Mahler at the headphones and the common stir around. It appeared to be so chaotic and disorganised (as it always is). I tried to be very concentrated and think about work but few times talks caught me.

Nastya didn’t want to explain to me why she hides the type of job her boyfriend (and my course mate) got. She became sarcastic and boasting because of my attempts to recognize. It struck me and I asked her whether she hurts me willingly. Her answer was yes and for some reason, it alienated her. At the lunch, I was sitting on the other side of the table chatting with other girls and then just went out. Afterward, she asked had I really been offended by that. In an artistic manner, I let her know that I don’t offense but change the attitude.

The teacher as always was going from one workshop to another grumbling about the attendance but without real comments on work. There were also talks about films and other stuff, music in the headphones and inner freedom to skip the anatomy lesson (because of the workshop).

https://music.yandex.ru/iframe/#track/3249853/343869/

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daily, reflection, scribbling

Quiet day at the room

This day was full of silence within and without. To my surprise, after the running at the park, I did the study. I sat down and made sketches for mastery. It was lasting long, I forced myself to not to dissolve. But to the lunch time, there had not been many sketches there had been just a few more obliquely drawn ones. Sometimes I can’t believe I need so much time for such a scarce work. Clearly, it has dramatically deteriorated since the college time.

And then, at the pause in my reading the for history report, something pushed me to look at the last Arts Academy exam exhibition. Isn’t it strange to look at the professors’ last names and get that in some different reality they could be my teachers. That is different reality though. The basic visual level is so much better than VGIK’s that it’s unfair to compare at all. However, I do not regret at all about the decisions and ways I go. But sometimes I truly need an inspiration for continuing the study (looking at the walls isn’t an options), sometimes I need to remember that smell of systematic, clever approach to painting.

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I mast not to roll down to looking for the lost paradise. The paradise is always farther, it always better in the future. It has more challenges, more achievements and more discoveries than its are now. So, please (speaking to myself), no search of happiness in the past. But there is one thing I can find in the past, it is the systematic hard-working for achieving the best. And I need to fetch it out of there.

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The other side of the day is my preparation for art history report. As the teacher allowed me, I took the least artistic topic but greatly interesting one. Magna Carta.

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daily, scribbling

just monday

This kind of days most of us usually got up and see how terribly boring, dim and hopeless life is. The warm light inside doesn’t compensate the dampness and coldness of the weather.

I didn’t come to the history lesson but slept. My slow and thoughtful morning went to the silent being at the workshop. What it was all about? I tried to understand something in the air. It was so similar to all that evening at the college when I looked out the window and imagined different variations of future. In the room, there still were papers and easels standing in the twilight. What a terrible hush of routine! We’re drawing the torso. My pencils are short as someone doesn’t want to buy new ones. At the other corner of the room, there were Vlad and Masha laughing out loud about something unfamiliar. The calmness spread out to the canteen where we got a situation with the headmaster.

The more we were in the workshop the more it became a farce. It was almost physical hardship just drawing the torso once more in this life. I read news about the attack in SPb, texted Nastya, she answered that all was basically normal. I was amazed by her calm approach allegedly such things are normal and all will be covered up.

The English teacher was really friendly to me and gave me an opportunity to continue my way of studying part-time. She took me a task which I am to do before the next Monday. That was so grateful of her.

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Saturday

Saturdays are my days of relief in spite of all possible business. Yesterday I went to the swimming pool as usual, but there was a huge mob at the hall – all were going to swim. That was lucky I wasn’t alone. The swimming itself went good, I could maneuver more freely and without that great fear to drown. I exhaled to the water more frequently though it was tough for me. The next time it’s better to swim by myself (without a board) and practice rowing as well as Kroll in general (the last time I tried it, that was like staying in the same place). The trainer said that the water loves relaxed people – I frankly tested it, but while I cannot afford to lose control.

That was a strange situation afterward. I went out with the girl from Directing dep., they went to the subway for getting at the institute. I couldn’t just leave them and go to drink coffee alone. That’s why I left them one station before institute’s and directed to the coffee shop. It could be foreseen that there be a queue and lack of seats. Finally, I amazed my stubbornness – every time I resolve to not to go there but from time to time it happens.

After history, Natasha clung to me with questions about life. That moment the last thing I wanted was a talk on life priorities and communications. At the crossroad, she gaily said that my second tour is passed. That was a joke when she said me “Don’t you want to be my friend?” But yesterday it seemed to me so terrifying. While I was passing her test she failed mine. All talks went to improvements of her life and problems with people. It’s not a good start for friendly connection, isn’t it?

The evening was beautiful. Without any delay, I got to be at the theater which seemed so good at the theater square beside all that stuff. There were real Moscow people in the real theater and it seemed magnificent. I was wondering around a crowd which filled the whole hall. There weren’t any free seats. Mine was on the first floor and a part of the scene was hidden. It didn’t interfere the joy of performance. The story of FRG’s chancellor and his personal referent who turned out to be a spy. It was not as detective as it could be. The stage was set smart and succinctly. Nice colours.

The night Moscow center won my heart. Colours and lights of old restaurants and historical places, clean roads, and walking people. I ate a plate of soap at the very center and could hear a talk of people who make money.

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