It’s a pattern, less you write (draw, learn) less you want to start doing it again. But someday I must to return and do it like there was no time gap.

This morning I was in rush, again I overslept extra thirty minutes and had to get ready faster and without proper exercises. Surely, I was a bit crushed. I reviewed my report on the bus and reviewed it again and again during the workshop itself. There was stuffy air in a room, and I got a headache. Everybody was badly reading a text from a list while I was looking through a narrow crack in the blinds. It was snowing outside. When it was my turn I did all the same as usual. But this time I found out problems in my speaking skills, it was hard to connect ideas with each other. Linking phrases simply fell out of my head. And, speaking critically, the content was scarce though I really tried to tell about Alexander Pope’s core ideas. Then I took another report, John Milton this time.

After a short compulsory lecture, I went home. Lately, I have a strange situation with books. As I finished “Why art cannot be taught” many self-help books appeared on my phone. There are about three of them and all are wishy-washy. But I need something of such kind now.

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Today is one of those drawling days of Autumn when everything is highly repulsive. I didn’t want to go to the lecture but force myself because of the gathering after. The streets were filling with snow, more and more snow every minute. The houses became cold and distant, the view out of the trolley-bus blurred. All the way to and fro I tried to clean my mind and got a view.

At the cloakroom, an attendant refused to take my hat and a boy beside twice grabbed it to try. I couldn’t stand it and emotionally and unwillingly cried something like “Why people are so wild here?”. The boy answered, “It’s university”. Rubbish isn’t it. At the back benches of an auditorium, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. During the lecture on local history, I was forcing myself not to yawn.

She was talking about roots and the idea that finally, we must know the tribe we behold. Another time I found out that it’s not that evident to me to attach my own self to the idea of tribe. Even when she asked about belonging to the certain district I had no instinct to raise a hand. Strange.

There is the danger to fall down to little depression, there is an abyss full of potential triggers for sadness. I looked through apartments, houses, draw a bit (which helps a lot). The evening is good.

Monday is tough

When the mist is soaked with the gingerness of light and black lines of the naked trees. It’s a mystery spilled around the streets. Romantic light of busy roads with a crowded transport full of tired and ugly people.

The day was stressful, tiresome and boring. The first lesson we were just sitting in the class and making English. I felt devastated even then. The misty view of the dormitory suburbs and the sound of the saw. I took a cup of cappuccino before the lesson and talked a bit with the girls. A tender street cat came to us gently. At the English, I was amazingly worrying about my reading and did it without an inner pressure. I simply could see those poems no more. And then when it came to the words I’d already been too overwhelmed for conscious learning. However, after the lesson and quick lunch at the canteen, I run to the library to do Russian homework. It was calm and secluded. 45e64a5946c659ba7e35e8b5a4a00aff

The next lecture was terribly boring, I couldn’t stop yawning. That was a torture to push yourself to the last lesson. Before that, we were sitting at the other canteen and drunk tea. It was nice to talk, not deep but fine. At the last lesson, we all were passing a test. That was tough, I wanted to close my eyes, to relief shoulder, to stop this dull work. It’s too much for me. At the road to the bus stop, I was talking with a group mate, she seemed me pretty and adequate.

And then there was a mist, with light in the depth of it.

I haven’t gone for either English or Latin lessons today. At the morning I busied myself with Russian History and contemplating on my letdown. Then at the lunch, I tried to cheer up myself and listened to the comedy talk show. That’s why I lost my time and was late for the Physical Culture. However, I managed to talk to a groupmate and change dress fastly. Then there was a counting of our reaction with numbers and regular jog around the hall. During the intensive running I was talking with Kate, she was worrying about expression she makes on the other group mates. She thought they see her as a monster. I saw no point and voiced silly idea about treating them on the Birthday. How calculating can I be!

M29027-1273 001Farther we did strange exercises in pairs. My partner spoke out a funny thing: What a natural crab you are! When came to my least favorite activity – volleyball, a man passed to us and started selecting for something. I used an interruption and went to other girls, they were playing badminton. That’s not tennis, but it’s near to it. We played a bit when the trainer came and immediately I was playing with her and girls were playing with each other. I liked it a lot! Yes, I hardly managed to be in time, the speed was much faster, but still, it was something I truly love to play in. (Tennis is better though, and the trainer doesn’t know technique)

Surely, I lightened after the training, mind became clearer and soul got a comfort. That’s what I needed and please, don’t mention English homework!

disgust

That is obvious that I’m too irritated about lots of things and it’s not good for me. Only thing I want just to hide at some place where people won’t achieve me. There won’t be any stupid questions directed to me with the pure wish to hear an answer, no comments to which I “must” respond. I’m craving to listen to clever people (or read them). This desire is so normal for me but now it’s felt like my brain is starting to rust. And it comes not only to the brain but also to the aesthetical part of life. I crave for beauty. The autumn’s gingerness, it’s misty air and variety of colors relieved me a bit. However, now when leaves finally dropped down, the trees don’t cover the ugliness of the building. And this upsets me dramatically. People wear their poor not-stylish clothes, there are many ungainly people in the ridiculous outfit. Nonetheless, there is no surprise, it still struck me on the same fragile level as it had been when I was in the fourth grade.

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But the major reason of my irritation is the pettiness of life around. And it’s not gravity, it’s exactly littleness. People aren’t interested, not curious, they are strangely inert about their life (education in my case). And it doesn’t matter how many times would I say to myself “Work with your own life!”, when I see pettiness I often want to throw a spare in them.

Certainly, I don’t want to share my irritation with people but to pour it out. Frequently the major trigger for this condition is me. I’m not satisfied with life, with the way it goes and I see no soon improvements possible. I cannot even imagine a Happy New Year Eve. I see limitations and they gnaw me. Even the simple need of physical activity is impossible because of my cough. So I need to get out of it.

Routine kills, routine pushes

Mom speaks I became more grumpy and critical. And that’s true. Week by week our Sundays are going the same routine way: cleaning up, washing, shopping around the town, making the dinner and a bath. Every evening of such day my head is spinning like a carousel, full of lights and colours of the shops and TV. TV is the other story, my mom has a habit to watch it the whole Sunday morning. As for me, it makes me feel disoriented and stupid. I like to make exercises at the calm room.

Today I even bitterly complained to mother about this all. I mean the endless necessity to wash up, clean up and buy buy buy. Her response was quite predictable. She said that I need to outsource those tasks to the stuff, which evidently includes earning more money. And that’s true. I’m sick of such a lifestyle! It’s ridiculous to spend a major time on the service for your life but not its essence. So I need to develop which raises the main question.

What is the field for my growth? Recently I often think about coming back to the institute and taking the second part-time education at the theoretical department (at the other University). My preparation for the exams is scarce, I didn’t move at all since the study started. And I’m not naive enough to believe I will be enormously better farther. The other thing I think of is taking IELTS exam as far as I have time for preparation and some opportunity for this (and I need to support the language in the form – University makes me deteriorate).  But I’m not sure what path to choose and to apportion my priorities. That’s tricky. But if I need another lifestyle (which I certainly need) there is no way out only through. I must decide.

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Friday

No matter what intentions I have, my alarm clock has its own vision of my morning. It didn’t work and as a result, I overslept the first lesson. The silly thing is that yesterday evening I spent on the homework but haven’t handed it. No matter. Sun shone bright and I actively thought about the lack of own life last time. I stopped making any notes and watching self-educating videos, and moreover, I feel devastated by the study (though it takes not much time). It just obsesses you. The life again got that home-study mode.

Today we again had basic English and it was so stressful. At the beginning, she spent fifteen minutes on lecturing about our behavior which to my mind was odd. She continued to press on us during the whole lesson. Surely there were again slow translating and her picking us. Students went out for a rest (many has a flue) One moment I really felt the blank page inside my mind, like something utterly stressful, was happening. The same feeling I had at the quest with the actor who played a madman – I couldn’t move at all. There was pretty much the same. After two lessons with this vampire, we all were tired, angry and empty minded. That’s not a deal. Maybe I will try to change the group on Monday.

It looks for me quite terrible – this way of teaching, it’s like she doesn’t have a proper pedagogical education herself. What other reason can be for her ignorance in psychology? I don’t know. It’s a pity to see such “professionals”.

To have some relief I went to McCafe listening Adele’s early songs and repeating after her. There I watched some YouTube videos, relaxed and went home.

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There is something odd going on with me. I started to miss all the painting staff like plain air and sketching. Many ideas come to my mind unwillingly. Maybe it’s Mary who evokes that spirit in me. But this sense makes me feel so stupid and inadequate. The sense of perplexity becomes even bigger because of it. Should I give up the plan and come back to that work though I was there so much time and hadn’t become a star? Someone must know answers. Someone must.

Today I couldn’t struggle the reluctance about Basic English (which is really basic and boring) and went out home late, walked on the street made photo and felt terrible about that. The weather was perfect, blue sky and lots of light everywhere. Like a picture. However, slowness and perplexity make me feel such disgust that I can hardly bear it. Stupid!

That’s not the type of life I was going to have. All repeats again, all those needs and lack. It is not a surprise but my inner critics question me about such stagnation more and more frequently. I like process, progress, and results. So I need it like an air. And surely I am a work-oriented person and it’s one of my main priorities which I must manage.

Monday of a new week

The day went as it went. I didn’t go to the hospital for the analyses and slept enough for me. After the delicious breakfast all the morning before the lessons I prepared for those lessons. I found out my mind map of the lectures quite useful. And basically I’m ok with studying process, it’s fun, it’s like a game. I used the lazy quick writing of all I know on the paper.  Helpful tool.

I was late and came into the class while the teacher was reading the list. At the beginning it was ok, we pronounced the exercises, then there was a control on the topic I prepared in the morning, so basically it was ok.  But then we started that terribly long and boring process of checking other people’s tests. That was so tiresome. At the lunch break, I ate fast at the small canteen full of the local student. I never felt so different from them. I could even perceive their small town mentality.While sitting there I came to the idea that we all suppose something for future, but future is nothing without now.  Nothing will change in the future if it doesn’t change now. Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor?

Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor? A talk with the law student made me feel so strange. So surprise! He offered to come to the cinema club and moreover he knows the local theatre director. Something strange happens. I easily speak to people and they believe that I know things I speak about. That law student was so surprised by the fact I watched Citizen Kane.

Language history lecture went boring for most of those zombie-students who write every single word. As for me, there wasn’t much information but I was for some reason inspired. Maybe it’s my thoughts on Arzamas as the great new educational format which makes me think of associations. And it pushes my mind. Associations are the great tool for learning. Actually, we do all thinking by associations unconsciously. So I’m going to attach all the information to the things I already know. I’m going to think in a way: what does it remind me of? What do I have already know about this? etc. That’s obvious but so efficient.

Sundays usually are something irregular. Mom is in the kitchen in the morning, there is TV talking on health and a whole day ahead for cleaning up and making dishes.  The apple pie on the breakfast and some coffee. Not my preference but the excess of the apples.

After the noisy breakfast, we went out with the bag of the books. The black plastic bag full of rubbish books. Librarian took our books and we fastly came out the old and small library. Once I spend time there for one school project, and that was pretty interesting then. After that, I had a running from one customer service center to another with the only purpose of closing my Sim card. Finally, I needed to do it by cell phone. The second thing I did was the purchase of the transport card. I went to the place and immediately got that today is Sunday and the office wasn’t working.

At home, I had two tasks, such as washing up and vacuuming. All the time I listened to Russian History podcasts and BBC radio. The dinner time I watched a sweet film called “Letters to Juliet” and cooked pasta the same time. The film’s story was lovely and miraculous. A thing I need now.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I do not even want to talk about it. Every year I only desire to hide this day. I need to plan it ahead carefully and keep up with the plan. In another case, I chose to go to the upscale restaurant and do nothing more.

Also, I glimpsed through my book of Kafka diary and instantly got European spirit.