Routine kills, routine pushes

Mom speaks I became more grumpy and critical. And that’s true. Week by week our Sundays are going the same routine way: cleaning up, washing, shopping around the town, making the dinner and a bath. Every evening of such day my head is spinning like a carousel, full of lights and colours of the shops and TV. TV is the other story, my mom has a habit to watch it the whole Sunday morning. As for me, it makes me feel disoriented and stupid. I like to make exercises at the calm room.

Today I even bitterly complained to mother about this all. I mean the endless necessity to wash up, clean up and buy buy buy. Her response was quite predictable. She said that I need to outsource those tasks to the stuff, which evidently includes earning more money. And that’s true. I’m sick of such a lifestyle! It’s ridiculous to spend a major time on the service for your life but not its essence. So I need to develop which raises the main question.

What is the field for my growth? Recently I often think about coming back to the institute and taking the second part-time education at the theoretical department (at the other University). My preparation for the exams is scarce, I didn’t move at all since the study started. And I’m not naive enough to believe I will be enormously better farther. The other thing I think of is taking IELTS exam as far as I have time for preparation and some opportunity for this (and I need to support the language in the form – University makes me deteriorate).  But I’m not sure what path to choose and to apportion my priorities. That’s tricky. But if I need another lifestyle (which I certainly need) there is no way out only through. I must decide.

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16.09.17

ee3e06e447bbf11800c1afbc35452830I feel that my strength is not enough for getting out of all the complexity of my condition. I’ve been suffering from side to side in hesitation. It’s hard to take steps which are not expected by you, which creates questions and misunderstanding. But I cannot live in a picture which is not certain. The best life I ever had was certain was maybe only on the inner level, but it was. The other thing is a belief in yourself which makes me so active and productive as no certain purpose. When you know you can, you do it like a regular thing, not like something extraordinary.

I must confess that the moment I started reflect on the nature of fulfillment I stopped achieving this. I need an outer hand which picks me and pushes at the moments like this.

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There is something odd going on with me. I started to miss all the painting staff like plain air and sketching. Many ideas come to my mind unwillingly. Maybe it’s Mary who evokes that spirit in me. But this sense makes me feel so stupid and inadequate. The sense of perplexity becomes even bigger because of it. Should I give up the plan and come back to that work though I was there so much time and hadn’t become a star? Someone must know answers. Someone must.

Today I couldn’t struggle the reluctance about Basic English (which is really basic and boring) and went out home late, walked on the street made photo and felt terrible about that. The weather was perfect, blue sky and lots of light everywhere. Like a picture. However, slowness and perplexity make me feel such disgust that I can hardly bear it. Stupid!

That’s not the type of life I was going to have. All repeats again, all those needs and lack. It is not a surprise but my inner critics question me about such stagnation more and more frequently. I like process, progress, and results. So I need it like an air. And surely I am a work-oriented person and it’s one of my main priorities which I must manage.

Monday of a new week

The day went as it went. I didn’t go to the hospital for the analyses and slept enough for me. After the delicious breakfast all the morning before the lessons I prepared for those lessons. I found out my mind map of the lectures quite useful. And basically I’m ok with studying process, it’s fun, it’s like a game. I used the lazy quick writing of all I know on the paper.  Helpful tool.

I was late and came into the class while the teacher was reading the list. At the beginning it was ok, we pronounced the exercises, then there was a control on the topic I prepared in the morning, so basically it was ok.  But then we started that terribly long and boring process of checking other people’s tests. That was so tiresome. At the lunch break, I ate fast at the small canteen full of the local student. I never felt so different from them. I could even perceive their small town mentality.While sitting there I came to the idea that we all suppose something for future, but future is nothing without now.  Nothing will change in the future if it doesn’t change now. Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor?

Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor? A talk with the law student made me feel so strange. So surprise! He offered to come to the cinema club and moreover he knows the local theatre director. Something strange happens. I easily speak to people and they believe that I know things I speak about. That law student was so surprised by the fact I watched Citizen Kane.

Language history lecture went boring for most of those zombie-students who write every single word. As for me, there wasn’t much information but I was for some reason inspired. Maybe it’s my thoughts on Arzamas as the great new educational format which makes me think of associations. And it pushes my mind. Associations are the great tool for learning. Actually, we do all thinking by associations unconsciously. So I’m going to attach all the information to the things I already know. I’m going to think in a way: what does it remind me of? What do I have already know about this? etc. That’s obvious but so efficient.

I am sitting in a great shock and misunderstanding. This was the second day of study and the second portion of rubbish. Even yesterday I found out myself being sick of the road, people, the building full of the students and teachers. That’s just a quintessence of the local culture: girls have a dialect, wear mass market fashionable clothes and have a negative view on studying. The lecturers shocked me by reading the lecture from the list to be rewritten in the student notebooks. WHAT?! The teacher of the basic English shocked me by her robotic approach. Nothing matters but the lesson plan and the lecture in the textbook. I felt like a prisoner on her lesson today.

The teacher of the basic English shocked me by her robotic approach. Nothing matters but the lesson plan and the lecture in the textbook. I felt like a prisoner on her lesson today. I couldn’t believe she asks us to read, reread and translate the utterly easy text. We spend on it the whole double lesson.

The other thing is note-taking. Since I started to make mind maps instead of linear notes I had noticed that they repeat everything million times, make it slow and even slower to let the other student write every single word into the A5 notebook. The lecture seems complicated but it’s really simple. It becomes a pile of stones in their mind instead of the harmonic picture.

And yes, the freshmen are kinda not prepared for the University level. And the university itself lowered their level too. So, the education is just a fiction here. Lectures sound complicated, though it’s easy, students are ready to obey and sit silently while the diploma is promised. The teachers are the same kind of people as the students are. Both don’t really understand the purpose of such fuss as education.

As someone said, there must be three (or more) top Universities in the country and the other must be just really good ones. Equally good ones. But now I can see the wide gap between top and the other ones. Those are two different worlds what don’t touch each other at all. That’s odd.

I think to call to the institute and ask about the documents. Fanny isn’t it? That’s the comedy of life. And it laughs out loud.

P.S. It’s the worst sense – the sense of yourself being the cleverest student in the room.

I’m stacked. Recently I could spend hours for studying history and English but now I can hardly push myself to think about plein air’s activity. That’s strange and terrible the same time. The action I was eager to do during college years, now is a reluctant thing. My hours are spent with high futility and boredom. I am just afraid of any steps. I’m afraid of looking like I’m not like an artist and vice versa. That’s a headache which worn me out.

June home 104But sure, there are the great educational programs which seem to me interesting. They all require extremely high score at the exams. And I’m afraid I’m not that smart.

Now my inner feeling looks like a bent pet at the corner with no desire to go out and shop. There is nothing I’d like more than calm and clear vision. I’ve spent the whole year on hesitation, doubts, anxiety and low self-estimation. And my life has stopped. My inner force which helped me to move forward and make jokes now is a small and dreamy one. It’s still difficult for me to consider life with gravity. I still have high hopes and dreams. However, my inner voice speaks to me that staying where I am now is not a good idea at all. My inner voice still has this opinion. It still has one.

 

Moscow application 2017

After the kind and lovely film with Jim Carey, after the strange dream at five a.m. I opened eyes at Moscow suburb. There was warm springy Sun and people were slowly going somewhere. Finally, I felt nothing but some faint romantic relief in my breast. The closer I was to the hostel tenser I became. At the dark room at a half to eight, there was my unpleasant roommate. But moreover, her being there, her things were put on my bed in some terrible disorder, there were lots of sacks everywhere. OK, I just had no desire to lecture her, so I was simply angry. Surely, nobody cleaned the common room and the bathroom had become horribly dirty. Someone used my sponge, toilet paper, and dishwashing liquid. Fun isn’t it. That was a point I lost any respect for them. I had to change the room a long time ago and live in a tiny but clean and friendly environment.

Quite strange but my heart was silent while I was going to the Institute (to pay for the hostel) and some thoughts were flawed in my mind. Probably, I exaggerate, but there was an empty space and I couldn’t feel anything warm inside. I didn’t want to be noticed and as fast as I found the cash-desk closed I went away. People who were going there made me feel so different and some kind of lonely.

At the favorite street, I firstly walked a bit to feel that terrific vibes. Then despite all my desire to walk farther, I came back to the library. You know libraries are so good spaces for learning. Even me in a sad state of mind with all those low self-esteem stuff could focus there and just learn something. Before I got hunger I managed many things and came around to the idea of the usefulness of the libraries.

The cafe I came in was as usual wonderful. I took great soap and a potato, I was sitting there “as usual” looking at the people who just had lunch. Only there I could frankly think about changing the wardrobe. Then that was the bookshop where my sense of strangeness was high. I never really buy books. If I buy them it’s never that romantic long process, it’s more like a deal.

Then again library, low self-esteem and the idea that it’s going to fail. At that library, it often comes to my mind that the thing I study is so primary comparing with their exam preparations and other activities. But finally, it’s OK, nobody matters.

After some time I went for a walk at the center. It was shining with Sun and good looking people around. I visited an old bookshop, drunk coffee and ate a burger at the quiet square by the university campus. There was so wonderful sight. And no tourists around. But I must confess that my only and the most important problem is the sharp loneliness. The great city in its blossom but I don’t want anything alone. And I feel even more alienated than ever. Adding the common recent state I try not to cry because of the stupidity of the roommate. Isn’t it silly? I just must work on my network.

Autumn-like day at home

_MG_6349It’s not only raining today but it’s darkening with every hour. I can see it through the window.  The whole day I am sitting with the history book, laptop, and cup of tea. Honestly, my mind is rather full of new ideas and some anxiety than the laser focus on the twenty century’s events. That’s why I still struggle with the lack of concentration and understanding. It seems even hopeless now. I feel weak when I want to say “It’s too much for me! I’m sick of history”.

My page at the notebook with the plans for August is almost full. At the finish line, all thoughts are about post exams time. I want some emotional relief after that. Maybe it seems strange to hear, but the main reason for the emotional burnout is my unexpected desire and some ideas for the paintings and more. The last notes at the notebook all are the IDEA ones. The other desire is simple and trivial one – earn money.

One of my coursemates is having a vacation at the seaside abroad. Surely, I could be envy about it but as it was said to my mom “I could make up the better way to spend that money”. I mean education and the development. No vacation while I don’t have a proper professional position and some real constant profits. It isn’t time for enjoying the benefits, it’s time for raising them.

But this evening we actually are going to watch something and go to bed early as we both are tired of such weather and routine.

Sunday’s reflection

Every day takes me some new wave of thinking and reflecting upon the future. It transforms in some way. The basic force is feeling on the contrary of rationality. I started to argue upon the question “Which way can more probability uplift me?” This question is the logical outcome of my own vision of the life I’d like to have. Being in my hometown pinched me to come around some ideas about this.

I certainly get tired and bored by only one study too fast. The same I can say about doing things – it wears out after some time and I need new knowledge. The balance is the solution and the goal. The other thing is all my huge demands to the education system which rather annoys me than teaches. I still dream about, you know, top of the top and get bothered by my inability to live the kind of life I really want (I mean the capability to be physically at the places and with people which share the mindset)

Today was a day of cleaning up and watching “The house of cards”. And when I and mom went out for a walk the total intolerableness made me feel great anger and hunger for life (people, knowledge, traveling, creating, thinking, achieving). The life of strangers around, of this town and my street are so distant and unfamiliar for me now.

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don’t give up

That’s quite strange to go through the whole town to the local university – the same place where I went to the tennis. There are the open market and a few dusty bridges which may us see the ravine with its decrepit houses. Using public transport this way is full of old and grumpy people who haven’t changed for the decades. Everything there stays the same unbearably boring and limited. Sometimes I ask myself how could I live here for twenty years but then remember all my moaning about moving on and everything falls into place.

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The application went very well, I gave them my copies and got their good spirit. The application process was going on at the tennis gym. The irony, isn’t it? I wandered there up and down looking at the doors and corridors with the pictures. Strangely enough, but they have the same door signs as VGIK has.

The way back I was kinda sad and furious about this all. I don’t like using backup plans at all. I know that I need to give up my slowness and low self-esteem. Going back home makes me firstly more rigorous about life and secondly, make me give up a highly intensive chase for the dreams. Isn’t it the most stupid thing – being a half of yourself, accepting the least instead of fighting for the most? Being honest with yourself truly require lots of work and perseverance.