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It is silent in the room. I have remains the excitement in my head. It tries to think big. Pathetic films allow me to hover above the routine and ponder about life. Immediately things like a choice of bread or fish become pointless. Such rubbish doesn’t matter. I try to fumble an approach to life, the majors are somewhere in the air. I need to catch it. I need a big view on everything, I mean really big not just perspective in the frames of my own life.

Too long I was thinking in limits of my own life, of the practical questions. I want to be myself, to like what I like and not compromise with people. I don’t like outer “trying” to understand in order to be confirmed by society. I won’t “accept” things I do not accept. Different people, different opinions, tastes. I mean I won’t fake acceptance.

The main thing I want is to live my own life, not someone’s else. It certainly contains theatres, films, and other arts, it contains that emotional impact attempts to understand, estimate things through thinking. And I shouldn’t be ashamed by my obsession with fictional feelings, abstract and unpractical matters. I shouldn’t feel any shame for my positive feelings about minor things, however strange or antisocial it looks like. That’s me.

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Presentation day and education thoughts (as usual)

After yesterday’s occasion with the absence of the majority of the students, I was up to attend the first lecture today (8.20 AM). But I feared to miss the alarm clock so much that I couldn’t sleep until 3 AM. And then, yes, I skipped the first lecture. But the morning was good despite all the strangeness of rehearsing the presentation on my way to the bus stop. (Yes, I speak to myself in English about all those marvelous topics). Today I presented the British Parliament. I was the second presenter. And I must say it was a bit better than the last time, at least I caught the attention of some students (normally nobody listens) and talked almost everything but the numbers by myself, I even improvised. It was short though the topic is huge and very interesting. However, I was satisfied with my presentation.

The rest of the time I couldn’t get what drives me crazy more: boring, impersonal downloaded somewhere presentations of the students or the silent content of the teacher. It is clear that the axis here is the pluses, marks, and exams, not the knowledge. Yes, they probably make the presentation in PowerPoint and print a list of the text (some even highlight is). Yes, they can read it aloud more or less accurate. But if I ask anyone about the content, it’s a crash. There is no comprehension of the subject and what is sadder, there is the complete absence of any interest. It looks like they don’t care to be curious and the teacher doesn’t care to have the curious student (as far as she doesn’t have it by herself).

I read in one long article about education that pupils\students at the modern school rather “busy with school” than with “learning”. How truly it is!

Whatever, I personally got the strategy of being what I want to see in the world (at least I try my best) and not idly complain about everything. I cannot make them understand the value of time and education but I can do it by myself.

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I skipped the lessons yesterday and today, and grandmom was lecturing me because of this. But all this time I tried to figure out how to make everything. I try to clean my mind inside and see the picture. My usual activity. But today I came to the idea to come back to the institute but try to get the part-time theoretical education. My activity leads somewhere between actual painting, philosophical scientific research, and teaching. What is it exactly I have no clear idea. And that’s not bad, I suppose. It will come to me gradually someway. I just must keep up working and listening to the inner voice. It’s better to take the best experience out of the current situation. And I need some outer support (yes, let’s write it thousand times and it will be) like clever lectures, books, interesting videos. Something that won’t let me drown beside these people. They are not toxic but mediocre and empty.

My interests often put me in an awkward position of uncertainty. I’m interested in too many things like philosophy, phonetics, British and World history, negotiations and mediation techniques, Polish language, and brain structure. With all my interests I actually do nothing. And that’s sucks. I need to work harder and effectively.

Routine kills, routine pushes

Mom speaks I became more grumpy and critical. And that’s true. Week by week our Sundays are going the same routine way: cleaning up, washing, shopping around the town, making the dinner and a bath. Every evening of such day my head is spinning like a carousel, full of lights and colours of the shops and TV. TV is the other story, my mom has a habit to watch it the whole Sunday morning. As for me, it makes me feel disoriented and stupid. I like to make exercises at the calm room.

Today I even bitterly complained to mother about this all. I mean the endless necessity to wash up, clean up and buy buy buy. Her response was quite predictable. She said that I need to outsource those tasks to the stuff, which evidently includes earning more money. And that’s true. I’m sick of such a lifestyle! It’s ridiculous to spend a major time on the service for your life but not its essence. So I need to develop which raises the main question.

What is the field for my growth? Recently I often think about coming back to the institute and taking the second part-time education at the theoretical department (at the other University). My preparation for the exams is scarce, I didn’t move at all since the study started. And I’m not naive enough to believe I will be enormously better farther. The other thing I think of is taking IELTS exam as far as I have time for preparation and some opportunity for this (and I need to support the language in the form – University makes me deteriorate).  But I’m not sure what path to choose and to apportion my priorities. That’s tricky. But if I need another lifestyle (which I certainly need) there is no way out only through. I must decide.

16.09.17

I feel that my strength is not enough for getting out of all the complexity of my condition. I’ve been suffering from side to side in hesitation. It’s hard to take steps which are not expected by you, which creates questions and misunderstanding. But I cannot live in a picture which is not certain. The best life I ever had was certain was maybe only on the inner level, but it was. The other thing is a belief in yourself which makes me so active and productive as no certain purpose. When you know you can, you do it like a regular thing, not like something extraordinary.

I must confess that the moment I started reflect on the nature of fulfillment I stopped achieving this. I need an outer hand which picks me and pushes at the moments like this.

Monday of a new week

The day went as it went. I didn’t go to the hospital for the analyses and slept enough for me. After the delicious breakfast all the morning before the lessons I prepared for those lessons. I found out my mind map of the lectures quite useful. And basically I’m ok with studying process, it’s fun, it’s like a game. I used the lazy quick writing of all I know on the paper.  Helpful tool.

I was late and came into the class while the teacher was reading the list. At the beginning it was ok, we pronounced the exercises, then there was a control on the topic I prepared in the morning, so basically it was ok.  But then we started that terribly long and boring process of checking other people’s tests. That was so tiresome. At the lunch break, I ate fast at the small canteen full of the local student. I never felt so different from them. I could even perceive their small town mentality.While sitting there I came to the idea that we all suppose something for future, but future is nothing without now.  Nothing will change in the future if it doesn’t change now. Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor?

Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor? A talk with the law student made me feel so strange. So surprise! He offered to come to the cinema club and moreover he knows the local theatre director. Something strange happens. I easily speak to people and they believe that I know things I speak about. That law student was so surprised by the fact I watched Citizen Kane.

Language history lecture went boring for most of those zombie-students who write every single word. As for me, there wasn’t much information but I was for some reason inspired. Maybe it’s my thoughts on Arzamas as the great new educational format which makes me think of associations. And it pushes my mind. Associations are the great tool for learning. Actually, we do all thinking by associations unconsciously. So I’m going to attach all the information to the things I already know. I’m going to think in a way: what does it remind me of? What do I have already know about this? etc. That’s obvious but so efficient.

Evening thought

As I tweeted on the lack of time today equals no time for something at all. I mean time won’t multiply it only decreases. So if we don’t have time for something valuable today, surely, there won’t be time for this in future. We must understand it. We all are going to die, we all are going backwards, not forward. So, there is no point in hesitating, waiting for some better time in future, there is no point in sitting and expecting everything to come to you by itself. Tomorrow won’t be better if you are not better today. Now! Things happen accidentally when everything is ready for this (consciously or not). Luck works for people who work on their life.

I must accept that time is against me, it takes no second chances, only one for one day. But I personally quite often feel like time is limitless, it spreads, it’s flexible. But it’s not. It’s not.

I wrote this post although there was one strong excuse for which is “I want to read and go to bed early enough, but tomorrow”. Frankly speaking, every day I am not actually going to write the posts but I intend to do it every day. I reckon myself as a diary person. But I am not a dairy person, I am not a person who writes own thoughts while I don’t actually do it.

Recently I notice the need of strong deal in my life, clarity and meaning. I need some certain desires about my actual life.

Let’s write here

During the whole day, I am distracted and scattered too many times. There is nobody to shift the responsibility, it’s only I and my complacency. It even becomes neurotically – I refresh DM too often and wait for some news from nowhere exactly like those rats at the lab. Yes, it’s a dopamine game in my brain, I know.

The one curtain solution I found is writing the diary. I mean that school year’s diary with sentences sounded like a report to the policeman. It seems to me that I let time go because I don’t actually aware of own activity during the day. The stream is allowed to just flow away. Many people live like this but wait is it what I always wanted – unconscious life? Frankly, no.

Scientists speak so often about the profits of meditation and streaming writing. Why don’t I try it now? Firstly, here at this blog, I feel like I must write some way which doesn’t include personal, sometimes really boring parts of life and I write rather formally then freely. Secondly, there is just a laziness and fear of discovering something I don’t want to know about myself. (What can it be? Ain’t I so OK?) Sometimes writing is the painful and time-consuming process, which makes me avoid such activity quite often.

But now I simply desire to clear my mind and I can see that those morning pages are too temporal healing. As a girl quoted recently, those who write every day intensify new ideas inside rather than who do it by chance. I want to change my situation with this.

don’t give up

That’s quite strange to go through the whole town to the local university – the same place where I went to the tennis. There are the open market and a few dusty bridges which may us see the ravine with its decrepit houses. Using public transport this way is full of old and grumpy people who haven’t changed for the decades. Everything there stays the same unbearably boring and limited. Sometimes I ask myself how could I live here for twenty years but then remember all my moaning about moving on and everything falls into place.

The application went very well, I gave them my copies and got their good spirit. The application process was going on at the tennis gym. The irony, isn’t it? I wandered there up and down looking at the doors and corridors with the pictures. Strangely enough, but they have the same door signs as VGIK has.

The way back I was kinda sad and furious about this all. I don’t like using backup plans at all. I know that I need to give up my slowness and low self-esteem. Going back home makes me firstly more rigorous about life and secondly, make me give up a highly intensive chase for the dreams. Isn’t it the most stupid thing – being a half of yourself, accepting the least instead of fighting for the most? Being honest with yourself truly require lots of work and perseverance.

Tuesday in a room

I want to be honest with myself and not hide my own laziness and weakness in perspective of the future rereading of these notes.

The whole day I could observe the variety of gray clouds above geometry of housing area. It went to the right verge of the window as well as rare planes flying somewhere from the nearest airport. My sketches were put on the bed in order to be observed, and pencils were at the table to use them directly. I did draw the sketches, yes. But the more frequent move was the escape. It took different forms like watching book reviews, refreshing Instagram, reading the university sites, making tea, eating dried fruits, going to the kitchen to fry the lunch. After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”.

After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”. Maybe, my vision changed by the influence of constant watching the classic, but it seemed me so scarce and hard to understand that couldn’t believe I liked it years ago.

In a word, the whole day I tried to avoid working on the mastery in a proper way. But the truth is that I must do this and there is no other way but actually working on it. It reminds me the way I successfully avoided some tasks on the book art course; I had them done as quickly as possible in the most concentrated condition (which is the effort, not the mood to wait). So I need to have this done, it’s decided.

Perhaps, I can sound pathetically, but I suppose I need to come back to the idea of the essence of life. It means the understanding of every single day as a part of your own life. Nobody procrastinates in dreams, but everybody achieves. Isn’t it simple? What is great and exciting for me to achieve during this seven weeks? The answer is certainly not “have watched all book reviews on YouTube” or be in touch with every picture on Instagram. Sometimes I really want to turn them off and leave only the Anki-droid and Dictionary.  As I understood I totally cannot accept the work on somebody, I need to be responsible and independent. (the bad side of which is inconsistency and uncertainty) I need to feel my own control over my own life.