During the whole day, I am distracted and scattered too many times. There is nobody to shift the responsibility, it’s only I and my complacency. It even becomes neurotically – I refresh DM too often and wait for some news from nowhere exactly like those rats at the lab. Yes, it’s a dopamine game in my brain, I know.
The one curtain solution I found is writing the diary. I mean that school year’s diary with sentences sounded like a report to the policeman. It seems to me that I let time go because I don’t actually aware of own activity during the day. The stream is allowed to just flow away. Many people live like this but wait is it what I always wanted – unconscious life? Frankly, no.
Scientists speak so often about the profits of meditation and streaming writing. Why don’t I try it now? Firstly, here at this blog, I feel like I must write some way which doesn’t include personal, sometimes really boring parts of life and I write rather formally then freely. Secondly, there is just a laziness and fear of discovering something I don’t want to know about myself. (What can it be? Ain’t I so OK?) Sometimes writing is the painful and time-consuming process, which makes me avoid such activity quite often.
But now I simply desire to clear my mind and I can see that those morning pages are too temporal healing. As a girl quoted recently, those who write every day intensify new ideas inside rather than who do it by chance. I want to change my situation with this.
That’s quite strange to go through the whole town to the local university – the same place where I went to the tennis. There are the open market and a few dusty bridges which may us see the ravine with its decrepit houses. Using public transport this way is full of old and grumpy people who haven’t changed for the decades. Everything there stays the same unbearably boring and limited. Sometimes I ask myself how could I live here for twenty years but then remember all my moaning about moving on and everything falls into place.
The application went very well, I gave them my copies and got their good spirit. The application process was going on at the tennis gym. The irony, isn’t it? I wandered there up and down looking at the doors and corridors with the pictures. Strangely enough, but they have the same door signs as VGIK has.
The way back I was kinda sad and furious about this all. I don’t like using backup plans at all. I know that I need to give up my slowness and low self-esteem. Going back home makes me firstly more rigorous about life and secondly, make me give up a highly intensive chase for the dreams. Isn’t it the most stupid thing – being a half of yourself, accepting the least instead of fighting for the most? Being honest with yourself truly require lots of work and perseverance.
I want to be honest with myself and not hide my own laziness and weakness in perspective of the future rereading of these notes.
The whole day I could observe the variety of gray clouds above geometry of housing area. It went to the right verge of the window as well as rare planes flying somewhere from the nearest airport. My sketches were put on the bed in order to be observed, and pencils were at the table to use them directly. I did draw the sketches, yes. But the more frequent move was the escape. It took different forms like watching book reviews, refreshing Instagram, reading the university sites, making tea, eating dried fruits, going to the kitchen to fry the lunch. After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”.
After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”. Maybe, my vision changed by the influence of constant watching the classic, but it seemed me so scarce and hard to understand that couldn’t believe I liked it years ago.
In a word, the whole day I tried to avoid working on the mastery in a proper way. But the truth is that I must do this and there is no other way but actually working on it. It reminds me the way I successfully avoided some tasks on the book art course; I had them done as quickly as possible in the most concentrated condition (which is the effort, not the mood to wait). So I need to have this done, it’s decided.
Perhaps, I can sound pathetically, but I suppose I need to come back to the idea of the essence of life. It means the understanding of every single day as a part of your own life. Nobody procrastinates in dreams, but everybody achieves. Isn’t it simple? What is great and exciting for me to achieve during this seven weeks? The answer is certainly not “have watched all book reviews on YouTube” or be in touch with every picture on Instagram. Sometimes I really want to turn them off and leave only the Anki-droid and Dictionary. As I understood I totally cannot accept the work on somebody, I need to be responsible and independent. (the bad side of which is inconsistency and uncertainty) I need to feel my own control over my own life.
Another morning at my room with coffee and chocolate.
There is a point I mull over quite frequently. It’s not even a point but the condition I am in. Meaning all this stuff with the study, with people around, all my achievements in social life which are scarce. Yesterday I was watching an interview with Michelle Obama and constantly was being inspired by her position on life. “I’m a captain of my soul, I’m a master of my fate” and “if you can’t control your life, somebody else will do this”. They were so well-balanced, so profound in their approach and priorities. The both said the first thing someone should do is understand yourself. After that, I frankly passed the real psychological test and got a result which is the same time obvious and hidden. I’m an abstract thinker with the creative mind, it’s more comfortable for me to work by myself or with a few people. It also said that such big dreamer can be editors, philosophers or CEO. Fine, isn’t it?
After that, I frankly passed the real psychological test and got a result which is the same time obvious and hidden. I’m an abstract thinker with the creative mind, it’s more comfortable for me to work by myself or with a few people. It also said that such big dreamer can be editors, philosophers or CEO. Fine, isn’t it?
The other thing I truly got out of all this time in the institute is that whatever you want to transform into, you’ll feel happier being yourself. And development is being the best of yourself. Which means being not different but better. It’s easy though it went in a way of disappointment – I couldn’t manage so my connection as it was necessary for success in this field. It’s overwhelming. (it’s not all I wanted to say but my time is over)
It’s not as bad as regular Tuesdays are. Neither rush nor hurry, nor anxiety about the mastery. I just got up at the time and did my sketches, then read the cinema history textbook (which like a lecturer itself is not very linear). Everything is calm. But I feel that this calmness, this pure silence should be accurately fulfilled with proper content.
When I pay more attention than a normal student should do for history it reckons by me like a non-doing “right” things which include the major study. For some reason, the fear uttered by one sitter at the drawing lesson is still with me and it still has its impact on me. This is the fear of being noticed. Not good, really. As a result, I can be lost among other students and people and girls. The only seen mean by this is reminding you that life is yours only, and there won’t be any other time, any other chance for a living. People around don’t care, so you should care about being yourself.
It seems strange to me that I don’t work like crazy but sleep enough, go to the lesson, talk with people and basically ok. Maybe it’s a result of my confirmation with the idea that I won’t be applied this year and there is no need for a real try. But it’s not so. I must try cause at least it’s fun.
And here I am, sitting with the greatest dilemma of life – how to live it and don’t hurt people around. Yesterday after the dinner I said to mom I wanted to register for and pass the exams to apply to the other university. So in spite of the merry evening and easiness of talk, she became silent and closed. I know it daggers her. I couldn’t focus on the subject and went out the room quite often to get her reaction. But there was no any clear reaction. How to understand silence? It was hard for me to even talk using reduced colours and concrete steps. To say nothing about my feelings. The whole vacation it seemed so difficult and dangerous to speak about my real vision of study. How little I love and how much I want to transfer.
Nonetheless, at the moment I have another beautiful dilemma which is about this year. As she feels so terrible about this all, I’ve become softer and consider the idea of studying another term. But it is the question of risk either being rejected by the university or spending a huge sum of money on the profession I don’t want to work in. Isn’t it a stupid idea? But while I’m studying and living in Moscow all seem so stable and clear despite the fact it’s neither stable nor clear.
Certainly, I know that hope to learn so huge amount of information for such a short period of time is kind of naive and even suicidal. But is the investment into the dead deal rational? I don’t want to make mistakes, but I have already done some which are enough. And I least want to hurt my mom who is doing so much for me.
Dark blue evening and the cawing crow in a mix of frozen trees. My old deep lazar jumper and taste of cacao. What am I to say? Actually, there is a bunch of things about life and dreams, action and changes.
When you come from the unknown place, from the fabulous fairy tale like a trip all you want is to improve your own life. Make a step closer to the picture of happiness you saw. It’s like some magical smell in the air which you try not to lose but find the source and use for transforming the routine life. So do I when I cannot focus on the study but mentally deconstruct and de-clatter the flat. And there is a decision I couldn’t keep undone. This is why I certainly need to go to Moscow next week and fix everything.
But now I’m regularly relaxed and calmed down – home environment is so immovable. In contrast to this, I realize how hard I must work to approach to the desired result. The only way is to actually do, without excuses or hesitations. Stay strong, optimistic and critical to the results. And more certainly I need support, inner and outer. People who I can look on, speak with and stay on track despite difficulties. There are always ones. No sugar-coated roads with roses and unicorns. Pity, but there are no. So, I should take it and work with it, not avoid, not give up but continue and do what I intend.
Maybe or maybe not, these are Prague environment which relieved my nerves and opened breathing. That was and is a ray of light which made me so curious and alive again. It threw the rubbish away and made it clear – I don’t need that and that. There is no benefit in scrolling Instagram, no more friends, no more understanding in politics. I don’t need to watch a dozen of YouTube video to start doing, start living or even to get at something. This sort of television which gobbled hours and hours of my life at school doesn’t solve any problem but create new one – lack of time and focus. I need my time and my focus to direct it on the majors, not minors.
Sure, I have a quiz of connection with the world. I did like the Czech lifestyle with all its openness to each other and opportunity to mix at pubs. I personally need close friends and private life and some sort of trust. The one clear point is that I need to work on it more intensive than before. Otherwise, you know what happens.
How many times should I bump into the other person’s prosperity to learn to stay self-sufficient adult person myself? It isn’t OK at all.
Today was the reality of the girl who I was sitting with at school. She was greatly generous and kind to me and everyone. She flattered me by question about beauty and fashion (that was my glossy magazines’ period) and helped with the tests. Now she is studying at HSE – the school which seemed me so cool when I did my research on the alternatives. I looked at her pictures and felt as exciting those all was.
As to me, I don’t feel any excitement about my study, session, perspectives and basically I perceive myself like a loser. Peter Bregman said that if you wouldn’t hire a stuff knowing the future development, it’s better to fair one now. In my life, I would back in nine years and play it totally different. I would try hard to stay at the first school, finish it good and enter the top university on some humanity science major (or maybe programming – I was at it). Does it mean I should turn out?
While trying to draw I listened the old series which made my days during the crisis at the fourth year’s plein air. It’s Being Erica. Evidently I have some regrets which make me compassion to the protagonist. Maybe I even should write a list just to make it clear.
- Not entering the English-oriented school
- Watching so much TV instead of studying at school
- Failure at the passing exams at the seventh year
- Transfer to the public school
- Entering the art college
- Studying too hard without social life at the college
- Not changing the direction after the failure at the passing exams at the institute
- Not good enough result at the state exams
- And basically I regret about hesitation and shyness with English.
I would like to be a person who honestly says that she doesn’t have any regrets in life. How to prevent regrets in future? Now? As we can see I don’t study by mistakes or I just think so. Of course every point was a lesson, experience, stair to me as I am now. But frankly now I feel like an ignorant loser, not a leader. Surely Woody Allen said he felt like that even now, what to say about me?! It’s not the matter of facts but the matter of perception.
I decided to focus on passing the exams good but today it’s a complete failure. Evidently.
It’s calm Saturday morning which doesn’t locate at the swimming pool but here, at my room where the cup of coffee and orange muffin are for breakfast. There are also many sheets of paper with various notes on life organisation, to begin with the books I am currently reading to end with the mind map of ways and options to move on.
So I put myself together. Yesterday it was a great research on educational programs and courses but I had tired only to the very evening when it became hard to focus on the pro book and I switched on the 18 minutes by Peter Bregman. Some mind polishing.
However, the last days I hadn’t been so decisive and concentrated. After the hard talk with mom during which I found out myself crying I had been pressed down with all aspects of reality. Nobody can presume how emotionally unstable I can be. So those were silent tears in front of the easel and anger by the weak teachers. The greatest need to talk to someone about all pros and cons without the public tolerance. I had shower and early sleep with a small hopeful thought: But I still can achieve my dream.
Without lots of hesitation I begun (or continued) my research. I still need to get exact information and exact deadlines but I am not to reflect upon the present situation no more. Let’s move on! I have already booked the trial lesson of English and renewed the cosmetic (which is so critical!) and eye lenses. To improve my fitness I made the accurate choices of goods yesterday (no milk chocolate without any chocolate), and I need the dumb-bells and swimming goggles else. Tomorrow I’m going to the exhibition, bookstore and cinema theatre. It’ll be a nice Sunday I certainly needed all this time!
“How can you be bored studying here?”- the girl with narrow glasses and reddish hair asked me while we were sitting at the corridor by the big window with the view on the whole street. I didn’t know what to answer. That was a minute’s tedium, was it? Was it a momentous quirk or not? We speak more open and apparent than we presume.
Despite all my embarrassment and queer replies on farther questions about mastery that had meaning. I did really felt tired by the row of lessons and breaks. The lunch at the canteen where students play their game and reluctant about sitting with strangers. Herd mentality arranges big tables just for one company, looks for stools and place. There are paper tea glasses, plastic trays and the queue to the metallic stand. Change of people, replacements of stools, movement of persons, the transfer of meal to the other places.
The anatomy lesson is the dubbing of the second course at the college. Bones and joints of the spine. Intervertebral discs, spinous processes. My sloppy handwriting with the black pen.
That’s snowing at the morning. NastyaT was coming with me to study and enjoyed the picture of white and yellow colours around. Evening changed it to blurred lights of cars and windows with wet asphalt and cold blue sky.
I did think about life and how could I lead it to the way I do now but there is hardly a person wishing to hear woaming. As for me, I don’t want to read such. I need to amend my mood, life, behaviour, plans, mindset and grades. The work life and development matter for me much. But I’m quite unhappy with day study and assign everything to spare time.