2/10. May holiday at home

That was the second day at hometown and home particularly. I was going to write every day but for the reason of tiresome, I hadn’t done it yesterday. These two days we were shopping across the town, we’d been at all the big trade centers and small old ones. Tonight I got that I could not see shoes anymore. My wishes are very concrete and understandable (which makes it more manageable at Moscow rather than here). I’d better overpay for quality and comfort than waste hours and hours in the temptation to find a needle in a haystack. However, I cannot be angry with mom by her hesitation and endless search.

My visit here emerged some thoughts about the capital town as a beautiful and blossoming place. I totally forgot how terribly boring the life here is, how empty the streets and how colorless are rare people. I have no idea where to go out and where to walk despite all the years here. People move less, are less diverse and calmed down in a bad way. There is poor history around here. I don’t know, it’s felt limited and narrow like shallow water where is nothing more than can be seen.  And it appeared to me not so evident from the Moscow point of view.

I thought I could hear myself better here but it turned out controversy, there is more noise of routine and narrow-mindedness than I presumed.

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I need to describe, to leave some pieces of evidence of lasted trip. Saint Petersburg remained in my mind as a dirty, dusty town with spoiled street and grand architecture. That was a relief to come back to Moscow and open the door to my room. My routine at Peter’s was totally the life of Nastya: her room, road to the work, habits, and friends. That was clear to me that my life, whatever it is, is much better than her despite her independence, personal life, work, and perspectives. I felt like my own problems, routines and dreams are more suitable for me. They are totally mine and this makes them the best for me. The best match you’ve watched is what you’ve played.

My joy of living own life allowed me to work with a lighter mood. I could really roll up my sleeves and do need. Whoever the teachers and course mates are. I surely got that being a visitor at the theater is enough for me. No scene construction, please (Nastya will work with it someday). The other thing I got is that Moscow is the best Russian option for me (yes, despite all gray people, traffic jam, and housing problem). There are so many spaces for walking and working and developing. Immediately, I began to appreciate my being here and love little pretty details which define this town.

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After the trip

However it’s a warm evening at home I feel some swinging. I do still remember red trams and luck of snow, I do still endure remains of road feelings. The gradual process of refining people, every step leaves fewer and fewer ones who have an idea of the place we went from. To begin with the straight flight to Riga than transfer to Moscow and train to Moscow as a town, then train to the hometown. And the process remains less and less foreign languages and more local ones. Gradually it was stopping to be OK to read The Economist (in paper version) and become rather odd. I did still talk freely in Russian like people around didn’t get. But they actually got everything. There was no fresh air and former great pastry or coffee. The instant one in the traditional glasses and cheap cakes. In full silence I joyfully read a few political articles. Like there was nothing to do or to mull over. Like everything is easy. No problems, no thoughts, no woe on Moscow environment and perspective of study, no emptiness of local town. Nothing but a memory of naturally beautiful town, it’s poetry and air. Which my lungs got as vital remedy.

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Another pretty Tuesday

It looks like I’m going to forget how to describe my days. Anyway, I have some things to say. Right now I’m at home with the bag ready for another little trip to Moscow. But at the middle of the day I was so absorbed with script writing that I had totally forgotten about any preparation or packing.

The idea which I had since the very moment of listening the newest album of Ludovico Einaudi emerged every time I heard the track. And of course I did plan to do something on it. Yesterday morning I spent cooperating with Helga who seemed to me the most active and ready for experiment person. My pleasure was great to know that she’s in game. The rest of the day I was anxious about every little detail and the whole picture. This afternoon the outline was ready (not perfect but is). Now I have some idea about the hardship and invisible efforts needed for making even such a short video. We hadn’t started the filming yet. But I know we will do it anyway.

The other thing which grabs my intention is kind of international opportunities which I actively look for. To this particular moment I cannot say that I have found something suitable. There are many obstacles and difficulties ahead of me.

I assume that it will never be finished I mean the struggle with own ignorance, fears and without demands. But speaking this way I don’t want to say it’s bad, conversely the overcoming process makes life vital and dynamic. Nobody complains because of the risks and drive at the attraction. Life is something the same. You’ll never get nor satisfaction or achievement without risks of failure and zealous investment into life. I remember the great lines from a book: “You’ll never fail if you know you have done all possible”. Retrieving this phrase from time to time I realize that I do not want to be a complaining and suffering person at the end of any process. And the only stable way to avoid it is to be active and invest time and efforts into valuable things. It’s funny to know that any moment of life you can choice between a few options and it’s a free right to choose.
Oh, I’ve written some pathetic ideas again. That’s all me. I actually like the way of political speech (out of the reality context, of course) and rhetoric, discussions as well as human rights. Oh, I’m really afraid of absolute absences of such things at the institute. It’s never enough for me, there is always a choice between few options.

Fast turn

So, finally I got myself in front of the computer screen. This day actually was almost free, but I felt quiet busy and stressed just because of the habit.

Let’s start with the fact that now I’m at home. My plan was to stay at Moscow a few days more but mom insisted on passing the exam at the local university and I came.

That day was so emotional. I got up early and slowly went to the institute for the last exam – interview. The weather was so grey that I cheered myself up by stating that the grey weather was much better for exam situation as it was really calm. And it made me really happy. The street and the institute itself were so empty that one moment I thought that it was a mistake. But no, there were people with notebooks at the corridor. I found out what was going on and passed to the first group of applicants. However, it took time.

The studio which was opened for us to revise notes was full of easels and stools. The girls read their summaries with great earnest. The whole situation reminded me the literature exam at the college and I didn’t like it. Instead of time among the gigling girls I stayed at the corridor where air seemed to me more fresh. My mind was too focused and relaxed the same time for talking about nothing. But I did it with Nastya Ch.

The examination room was white and good lighted, actually that was no more than the studio with the tables instead of easels. The questions were mixed in common mess and I was confused by it. The last year they devided these by the departments, now it was the heap. I took one and it turned out to be one with animation question. I sat down with the blank for notes.

Nonetheless, while I was sitting many other applicants talked on different topic and I got that there was a chance to win by the common education. When the summary was done (incomplete and unclear) I knew that’s finish. I didn’t understand how that happened but I easily jumped above questions and talked much about things I knew (Van Gogh’s biography, colours’ symbolism) Of course they caught me on the ingnorance in the russian animation. I didn’t watch and actually have no desire to watch classic films. And my childhood was full of Dysney products rather than local. However, it seemed fine and we passed to Production Design. I told about Aronin and Mikhalkov’s films maybe too emotional for being called logical. That was clear adrenaline and pleasure to hear something about War&Peace BBC production. I said good bye and went out.

I laughed and exclaimed in pleasure, talked to other girls in a rush, got aquanted with one costume designer and was waiting for Nastya to come to the park and eat some ice-cream together. But when she got out she didn’t talk with anyone, took her bag and fastly directed to the stairs. She was in tears and hardly spoke about the unlucky question, cold approach of teachers and her ignorance in thrillers and architecture. I tryed to relief her with jokes and my high spirit, with my vague situation and unfair mark for the second tour. (This is the other painful story)

At the park we discussed the new films and our impressions by acting. Then I led her to the centere where we had a brunch. She talked too much but after some time I could see the light in her nature. Something strange and distorted, some desire to be right as well as habit to be laughed at, to be awkward and odd. I left her at the New Arbat Avenue and went to the hostel.

The rest of the day I spend at the Vorobyevy’s hills. There were so much water and trees and calm people around. That was some concert at the stadium near and sounds were omnipresent. Frankly, I didn’t think or reflect much, my mind jumped throught the ideas I could say at the interview or it was empty at all. Quiteness was so suitable for me then but the same time so boring. To the moment I came to the MSU main building I had already been bored. Of course, at the viewpoint I tryed to feel some like or dislike to the town but couldn’t percieve enough emotions in general.

The MSU building, park and especially the sport pitches impressed me more. People had workouts at the tennis courts and running tracks. The back yard was full of cars which would ride out to the sunset. I wanted to play tennis then rather than just wonder around the park.

I hardly managed to go to the hostel and drink some tea. And then it had been started. Mom called and we was to decide either go home then or avoid the exam. She hesitated and called me so often that I was irritated by her indecision. That was night when I tryed to reserve the bus ticket, went to the bookstore for the textbook and to the grocery for snatch. Then fastly and smart I packed the suitcase talking and gigling the same time with girls. They were so friendly and opened.

The next morning I woke up the first at the room, took my buggage and called taxi. Then, you know, there were magnificent sunny roads of Sunday Moscow and taxi rider from the near to my hometown. Again it was badly organised but I could read the textbook with the earplugs.

The end of the little trip

So, it’s my third day at home and there is no post on the romantic topic of road and it’s drawbacks. This is because of me who keep the word to be very active and do more for managing more. This is why two evening I either prime the canvas or sort out photos from the trip or download all the russian films I must watch and read my book (on the introduction step).

Now it is sunny morning with green trees out of the window and the cawing crow. I had the omelette for breakfast and have satisfied with it very much. How did I miss eggs!

Though, it’s time to back to Moscow. It was night when I was going to the subway, the town was different, almost empty but more dangerous and misterious. Near by the construction my heel was knocked down. In great hurry I amended it and went farther. That was the first time I saw the floor at the Arbatskya station. There wasn’t usual crowd but strange suspicious people who I tried to avoid. Even the railway station seemed to be more quiet and deserted. As I was aware of entries and exits, staircases and corridors it was easy to carry so much baggage to the platform. And there was no surprise when super Chuvash woman tried to humiliate others for her own vanity. People crowded around the railcars, talked or carried things inside. Of course, young men jumped the queue but it hadn’t any influence on anything generally. I was lucky to be surrounded with female. They patiently waited for me making the bed and stirring everywhere. I know I am a bad neighbour. It was night and I had no desire to look out of the window but sleep. It was the typical not full kind of sleep I have at the train. At the morning I was woken up by the frozen leg. Then everything was quiet: tasty breakfast, film 400 blows, the dinner – and at the next moment it had already been Cheboksary. 15.08.12 144

The weather blossomed. Sun lighted the green grass and trees, air and streets seemed significantly clearer. Mom had new haircut and another jacket. I had no inner problem in coming out of the capital, nor pathetic nor pose. The flat seemed very clear and comfortable – everything free to use. After the pea soup I sorted the baggage out so quickly and prepared clothes for washing so fast that I have time to go to know my exam results. And it is not so good as I hoped. And now I cannot know exactly the mistakes. Mom was a bit sad about it as it means I must work on the creative exams harder. But when I passed through the country like streets with little amount of cars and new building farther I was inspired very much. It was so easy to breath and think. That is behind.

The rest of the day I orginised the next two months and did little things.

The last day at M

So, the suitcase has completed, the dinner is eaten, rubbish is thrown away. And what else? I’m ready for the night train and have the intention to ride away now. But I have the lesson today and my train is at midnight.
I woke up so happy and enthusiastic to move on that I smiled and talked nicely with the Spanish man at the hall. The run was refreshing as usual. The track for run and dog walking was wet and grey today. Calm swans glided on the water surface while dogs were running and barking at each other. Funny character of a man who took a business call and told about something serious. He was in the black outfit which made him look like walrus. Many old people with ski poles. The pond was tranquil as usual, and as usual very pleasant. I found out the very harmonious Chinesse restourant at the corner of the building. It reminded me some Boston’s cafe on the corner. Basically, it all was the same. The same quietness, the same stir. Difference was in the weather which is so rainy now that I ch
ose the warmer boots for moving.

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Yesterday I watched two particularly interesting interviews by Pozner with Tatyana Chernigovskay. She told about the influence of Internet and typing on the brain and the fact that out brain decides everything ahead us. He takes decision, we do something and then he convinces us that this decision was our own. So we all have things decided long before we know it. I got it always that brain is much smarter than me.
The another thing was that wrong answers and untypical thinking make people more like genius. She noted that genius couldn’t take the State Exam well. And I know why. While I was preparing for this stuff I could feel the bad effect. There was no desire to be curious, to think through and find the gist. No, there were just answers on questions. This is why I really want to return to that eager approach in study and life.
  Also she told about the artifical intelligence which can develop so that it will desire to blackout us. Scary things.
But the way she answered questions and reflected inspired me to keep up with the old fashioned way of consumering informatio and think over my cellphone’s habits. I know that it would be better to limit my time there and maybe to come back to the paper recorder.
Now, I see that the decision not to make the new storyboard was silly and childish. I have time and place. What else? It’s important to begin the intensive process at home without any delay. There won’t be any excuses. I know.

Tuesday at Moscow

Actually, this is the last real day here.
I woke up late because of the yesterday headache and heaviness. But there was no shame about it. The weather was windy and grey, the playground where I do my exercises was surrounded by hurrying pupils and hurrying cars. Many big cars at the small roads of the old district.

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I didn’t do the storyboard only because of the low spirit. To the midday I went out to walk to the Hermitage Garden. The Tverskoy avenue was wealthy decorated to the first may. People took photos and selfies around everything. Florish archs, grassy monuments of the couples, sporty sculptures and many little decorations. There would be some gardening fair. My way led through the same place we were with Mary. But I couldn’t make out how the roads are established that the other side was nearer than that. So I was going there with music and high spirit among the stirring street. Cars don’t like to give you a way but boldly ride forward. Though the streets, shops and little park are nice. You can pass forward with pleasure and contemplation. Yes, cars are there but the green zones are there too. As well as great old architecture all around the center. At the Garden there were beautiful theatre, neat grass, benches and big playground with the country like cafe. The monument to Dante and many places to seat and read. Everything is quiet gracious.
The whole walk I was considering about my attitude to this town. The point is that this is so alike the hometown (mentality, order of things etc) that I don’t feel much confusion by being not local. At some degree I even like this. There are many interesting places and people, many opportunities for realization. And the outlook became better than before.
I make the conclusion that my feeling like home is so wide and limitless because of the sense of home inside me. Not outside. However, I miss my privicy and physical place which I have at home.
Near by the misterous synagogue with the David’s star at the whole fence I bought the jogurt which ate at the bench. The view was the crossroads filled with furious cars. But it was so romantic and plain for me. The little rain and visit to the candyshop made me happy even more.
I finished to read Great Expectations and am going to begin Odyssey. Not well planned days are so idle – think ahead always.

Last Monday of this trip

The grey day most of which I feel tired and exhusted. Before the dinner it was a torture to outline ideas for the storyboard. It’s so hard to follow the rules(suggestions) and make creative pictures with expression and fantasy. I found out that my mind is empty about the strange situations at the train station or at the exhibition. And it was so easy to plunge into my fantasies that most of that time I was sitting moveless trying to find the gold in my mind. Only rubbish. My head dizzied and I wanted nothing. Hate such moments but I wrote my thoughts down and got some ideas for overcoming such a BIG BIG problem. I’m looking forward the time at home, it will be full of business and growth. I hope, I know.

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Now it’s hard to do many things and there is no desire to describe it. I need more space or just the sign to begin. Or just begin. I have gone to the conclusion that I need to remind myself about all that stuff more frequently because it is so easy to forget and hover above clouds without anything done.
At the painting my head had been still dizzying but I tryed really hard to improve the canvas. Of course, the still life isn’t the product of adequate painter but the training. I still don’t connect with other girls as everytime I feelmyself much older, wiser and proficent than they are. And it’s hard to paint and talk the same time. The teacher asked me again about the education and was satisfied with my work. But I totally dislike his manners and the assertion that there is no artist who draw like twenty years ago. Common, come into the Glazunov’s academy and you’ll see!
I went out without Nastya and spoke with myself until the very subway. Why am I so tired? I need to schedule and sort things out.

Not so perfect Sunday

Strange day of boredom and tiny sadness.
But the morning was incredible. I woke up early and run to the pond where white swans relieved by the shining water. There were no people at the streets, all slept and didn’t know what a beautiful morning they had lost. I run with struggle and pleasure. Then good enough breakfast and the confusion of organisation. I texted much to Mary but she did not answer me. I did my daily things until we agreed to go to the park. Streets looked enjoying the spring, sun and blossom. At the cafe there were may interesting people who studied something. I ate the soap with bread – classic. My mind was open and easy for everything even for reading vocubulary aloud at the subway. Why not?
At the place I was early and took photos of people and exterior. It was the worse district than Arbat (really?): sectional house building, noisy dusty roads, poorer people. A hipe man bothered people with the books about god and twice went to me. I waged with arms and instantly demanded to go away from me. I waited while sun shone as in June but Mary hadn’t came yet. I wrote her, called her but there was no answer. Then she called and without any excuse said that she’ll come in twenty minutes (that was after her fifteen minutes late). She adviced to come to the cafe and wait for her. So I did. It had been the most despondent sitting in the cafe during this trip. Nor tiramusu nor mango tea nor a pear could dispel the bitterness inside. Immediately I’d hated all that mediocre people around, the cafe itself, the typical district, dust, noise and stir. The vision of the central district with it’s neat shops, cafes and good looking people seduced me to back there. And I got tired to wait. At the moment I directed to the park she wrote me. Finally we met by the station and she carried some snatch for us both as an apology. The reason of 1.5 hour delay was unexpected long sleeping. I still can’t say that I can get such flimsy explaination as reasonable.
So, we went to the park where she began to ask me about the yesterday. I told something and found that she didn’t know much about Pozner. It happens and does not matter. Though she left me again when instantly desired to try the local pancake. That was so boring and terrible to wait among trees and attrations that I called her. Actually the best thing was the ability to talk aloud sometimes without any responce. However, the forest and the lake were exciting as well as many trainers, the tennis courts and the pitch for football. She talked a bit scrappy and it was hard to converse long and profound – we were distracked by different fairs and fanny dogs. There were huge amount of all types of motobikes.
When we said good bye at the subway I felt the bitter sense of sadness. It wasn’t as good as it could be. There was something the same, something alike the monotone melody. The walk to the hostel I took many romantic photos and desired to buy the local chocolate again in the same old shop. But it was closed and I bought the jogurt. No talks this evening, please, only typing, watching Civilisation and reading the book. Please, I need some rest at my cave.