Mom speaks I became more grumpy and critical. And that’s true. Week by week our Sundays are going the same routine way: cleaning up, washing, shopping around the town, making the dinner and a bath. Every evening of such day my head is spinning like a carousel, full of lights and colours of the shops and TV. TV is the other story, my mom has a habit to watch it the whole Sunday morning. As for me, it makes me feel disoriented and stupid. I like to make exercises at the calm room.
Today I even bitterly complained to mother about this all. I mean the endless necessity to wash up, clean up and buy buy buy. Her response was quite predictable. She said that I need to outsource those tasks to the stuff, which evidently includes earning more money. And that’s true. I’m sick of such a lifestyle! It’s ridiculous to spend a major time on the service for your life but not its essence. So I need to develop which raises the main question.
What is the field for my growth? Recently I often think about coming back to the institute and taking the second part-time education at the theoretical department (at the other University). My preparation for the exams is scarce, I didn’t move at all since the study started. And I’m not naive enough to believe I will be enormously better farther. The other thing I think of is taking IELTS exam as far as I have time for preparation and some opportunity for this (and I need to support the language in the form – University makes me deteriorate). But I’m not sure what path to choose and to apportion my priorities. That’s tricky. But if I need another lifestyle (which I certainly need) there is no way out only through. I must decide.
No matter what intentions I have, my alarm clock has its own vision of my morning. It didn’t work and as a result, I overslept the first lesson. The silly thing is that yesterday evening I spent on the homework but haven’t handed it. No matter. Sun shone bright and I actively thought about the lack of own life last time. I stopped making any notes and watching self-educating videos, and moreover, I feel devastated by the study (though it takes not much time). It just obsesses you. The life again got that home-study mode.
Today we again had basic English and it was so stressful. At the beginning, she spent fifteen minutes on lecturing about our behavior which to my mind was odd. She continued to press on us during the whole lesson. Surely there were again slow translating and her picking us. Students went out for a rest (many has a flue) One moment I really felt the blank page inside my mind, like something utterly stressful, was happening. The same feeling I had at the quest with the actor who played a madman – I couldn’t move at all. There was pretty much the same. After two lessons with this vampire, we all were tired, angry and empty minded. That’s not a deal. Maybe I will try to change the group on Monday.
It looks for me quite terrible – this way of teaching, it’s like she doesn’t have a proper pedagogical education herself. What other reason can be for her ignorance in psychology? I don’t know. It’s a pity to see such “professionals”.
To have some relief I went to McCafe listening Adele’s early songs and repeating after her. There I watched some YouTube videos, relaxed and went home.
I feel that my strength is not enough for getting out of all the complexity of my condition. I’ve been suffering from side to side in hesitation. It’s hard to take steps which are not expected by you, which creates questions and misunderstanding. But I cannot live in a picture which is not certain. The best life I ever had was certain was maybe only on the inner level, but it was. The other thing is a belief in yourself which makes me so active and productive as no certain purpose. When you know you can, you do it like a regular thing, not like something extraordinary.
I must confess that the moment I started reflect on the nature of fulfillment I stopped achieving this. I need an outer hand which picks me and pushes at the moments like this.
There is something odd going on with me. I started to miss all the painting staff like plain air and sketching. Many ideas come to my mind unwillingly. Maybe it’s Mary who evokes that spirit in me. But this sense makes me feel so stupid and inadequate. The sense of perplexity becomes even bigger because of it. Should I give up the plan and come back to that work though I was there so much time and hadn’t become a star? Someone must know answers. Someone must.
Today I couldn’t struggle the reluctance about Basic English (which is really basic and boring) and went out home late, walked on the street made photo and felt terrible about that. The weather was perfect, blue sky and lots of light everywhere. Like a picture. However, slowness and perplexity make me feel such disgust that I can hardly bear it. Stupid!
That’s not the type of life I was going to have. All repeats again, all those needs and lack. It is not a surprise but my inner critics question me about such stagnation more and more frequently. I like process, progress, and results. So I need it like an air. And surely I am a work-oriented person and it’s one of my main priorities which I must manage.
The day went as it went. I didn’t go to the hospital for the analyses and slept enough for me. After the delicious breakfast all the morning before the lessons I prepared for those lessons. I found out my mind map of the lectures quite useful. And basically I’m ok with studying process, it’s fun, it’s like a game. I used the lazy quick writing of all I know on the paper. Helpful tool.
I was late and came into the class while the teacher was reading the list. At the beginning it was ok, we pronounced the exercises, then there was a control on the topic I prepared in the morning, so basically it was ok. But then we started that terribly long and boring process of checking other people’s tests. That was so tiresome. At the lunch break, I ate fast at the small canteen full of the local student. I never felt so different from them. I could even perceive their small town mentality.While sitting there I came to the idea that we all suppose something for future, but future is nothing without now. Nothing will change in the future if it doesn’t change now. Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor?
Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor? A talk with the law student made me feel so strange. So surprise! He offered to come to the cinema club and moreover he knows the local theatre director. Something strange happens. I easily speak to people and they believe that I know things I speak about. That law student was so surprised by the fact I watched Citizen Kane.
Language history lecture went boring for most of those zombie-students who write every single word. As for me, there wasn’t much information but I was for some reason inspired. Maybe it’s my thoughts on Arzamas as the great new educational format which makes me think of associations. And it pushes my mind. Associations are the great tool for learning. Actually, we do all thinking by associations unconsciously. So I’m going to attach all the information to the things I already know. I’m going to think in a way: what does it remind me of? What do I have already know about this? etc. That’s obvious but so efficient.
I am sitting in a great shock and misunderstanding. This was the second day of study and the second portion of rubbish. Even yesterday I found out myself being sick of the road, people, the building full of the students and teachers. That’s just a quintessence of the local culture: girls have a dialect, wear mass market fashionable clothes and have a negative view on studying. The lecturers shocked me by reading the lecture from the list to be rewritten in the student notebooks. WHAT?! The teacher of the basic English shocked me by her robotic approach. Nothing matters but the lesson plan and the lecture in the textbook. I felt like a prisoner on her lesson today.
The teacher of the basic English shocked me by her robotic approach. Nothing matters but the lesson plan and the lecture in the textbook. I felt like a prisoner on her lesson today. I couldn’t believe she asks us to read, reread and translate the utterly easy text. We spend on it the whole double lesson.
The other thing is note-taking. Since I started to make mind maps instead of linear notes I had noticed that they repeat everything million times, make it slow and even slower to let the other student write every single word into the A5 notebook. The lecture seems complicated but it’s really simple. It becomes a pile of stones in their mind instead of the harmonic picture.
And yes, the freshmen are kinda not prepared for the University level. And the university itself lowered their level too. So, the education is just a fiction here. Lectures sound complicated, though it’s easy, students are ready to obey and sit silently while the diploma is promised. The teachers are the same kind of people as the students are. Both don’t really understand the purpose of such fuss as education.
As someone said, there must be three (or more) top Universities in the country and the other must be just really good ones. Equally good ones. But now I can see the wide gap between top and the other ones. Those are two different worlds what don’t touch each other at all. That’s odd.
I think to call to the institute and ask about the documents. Fanny isn’t it? That’s the comedy of life. And it laughs out loud.
P.S. It’s the worst sense – the sense of yourself being the cleverest student in the room.
Sundays usually are something irregular. Mom is in the kitchen in the morning, there is TV talking on health and a whole day ahead for cleaning up and making dishes. The apple pie on the breakfast and some coffee. Not my preference but the excess of the apples.
After the noisy breakfast, we went out with the bag of the books. The black plastic bag full of rubbish books. Librarian took our books and we fastly came out the old and small library. Once I spend time there for one school project, and that was pretty interesting then. After that, I had a running from one customer service center to another with the only purpose of closing my Sim card. Finally, I needed to do it by cell phone. The second thing I did was the purchase of the transport card. I went to the place and immediately got that today is Sunday and the office wasn’t working.
At home, I had two tasks, such as washing up and vacuuming. All the time I listened to Russian History podcasts and BBC radio. The dinner time I watched a sweet film called “Letters to Juliet” and cooked pasta the same time. The film’s story was lovely and miraculous. A thing I need now.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I do not even want to talk about it. Every year I only desire to hide this day. I need to plan it ahead carefully and keep up with the plan. In another case, I chose to go to the upscale restaurant and do nothing more.
Also, I glimpsed through my book of Kafka diary and instantly got European spirit.
As I tweeted on the lack of time today equals no time for something at all. I mean time won’t multiply it only decreases. So if we don’t have time for something valuable today, surely, there won’t be time for this in future. We must understand it. We all are going to die, we all are going backwards, not forward. So, there is no point in hesitating, waiting for some better time in future, there is no point in sitting and expecting everything to come to you by itself. Tomorrow won’t be better if you are not better today. Now! Things happen accidentally when everything is ready for this (consciously or not). Luck works for people who work on their life.
I must accept that time is against me, it takes no second chances, only one for one day. But I personally quite often feel like time is limitless, it spreads, it’s flexible. But it’s not. It’s not.
I wrote this post although there was one strong excuse for which is “I want to read and go to bed early enough, but tomorrow”. Frankly speaking, every day I am not actually going to write the posts but I intend to do it every day. I reckon myself as a diary person. But I am not a dairy person, I am not a person who writes own thoughts while I don’t actually do it.
Recently I notice the need of strong deal in my life, clarity and meaning. I need some certain desires about my actual life.
I can drink my cacao by the window with the view of the nonstop rain outside. It reliefs, it warms and it let me leave my tiresome behind.
This morning the light low clouds welcomed me at the other place than yesterday. Short (2-3 hours) drops of sleep gifted me surreal fantasies and images which I can only think up half asleep. There was enough time to get ready for the departure. The entrance of the town was as usual strange and had a strong character of the province. It’s the low a bit dirty buildings, narrow streets and basically less quantity and quality. No surprise. I hardly got my luggage out of the coach and was standing at the cold bus station in the rain without an option to move. Mom came fast and so was a taxi. We got to the house and had to carry two really hard and precarious bags which we had done with some effort.
Though I and mom were tired we made a breakfast and had it calmly. She started to get ready to the work I opened the bag and begun unpacking. As usual, that managed to be faster than packing. Then I did some planning for a few days and other stuff with the laptop. One moment I got that I simply cannot think – like a computer glitch. I got out of the flat and yes there was a rain outside.
I got out of the flat and yes there was a rain outside. The trade center was quiet and calm in the middle of the work day. I shopped around the jewelry shops looking for watches. At the second floor, I found out the watches shop and spend some time there. I tried a few samples until I bought silver ones with the metallic watchband. After that my walk continued at the clothes shops. Unfortunately, at the Russian shop, there wasn’t any shorts or jacket with the prevalence of cotton instead of polyester. At the basement floor, the big mass market of sports equipment was full of my necessities. But they all cost a pretty penny.
The road back I stumbled on the conductor who was my math teacher at the last school years. I pretended not to notice. So was my tired sleepy day which is going to continue.
Everything ready, or it simply seems to be ready. I’m going to Moscow today to end up with the institute and check out of the hostel. That’s the main purposes. The minor ones are to walk and write more, to breathe the air of the capital. I need it as far as I won’t be there probably for a year and I will certainly miss it with all my heart. I do now.
I want to investigate some new places though I will need to pack things and take care of my new status properly. I’m going to take an academic relieve for some time. Just in case. For what exact case I cannot guess. But the thing I know is that it won’t be easy and maybe even psychologically obsessive. However, I simply must do it.
My mind is wandering in search for some faults in preparation but I simply cannot get it. It’s a habit to pack things which make me too calm to be confident in my readiness. No matter!
Besides, there is a book of that woman on studying languages I want to read and some more another books by Tony Buzan.