29 August

I can drink my cacao by the window with the view of the nonstop rain outside. It reliefs, it warms and it let me leave my tiresome behind.

This morning the light low clouds welcomed me at the other place than yesterday. Short (2-3 hours) drops of sleep gifted me surreal fantasies and images which I can only think up half asleep. There was enough time to get ready for the departure. The entrance of the town was as usual strange and had a strong character of the province. It’s the low a bit dirty buildings, narrow streets and basically less quantity and quality. No surprise. I hardly got my luggage out of the coach and was standing at the cold bus station in the rain without an option to move. Mom came fast and so was a taxi. We got to the house and had to carry two really hard and precarious bags which we had done with some effort.

Though I and mom were tired we made a breakfast and had it calmly. She started to get ready to the work I opened the bag and begun unpacking. As usual, that managed to be faster than packing. Then I did some planning for a few days and other stuff with the laptop. One moment I got that I simply cannot think – like a computer glitch. I got out of the flat and yes there was a rain outside.

I got out of the flat and yes there was a rain outside. The trade center was quiet and calm in the middle of the work day. I shopped around the jewelry shops looking for watches. At the second floor, I found out the watches shop and spend some time there. I tried a few samples until I bought silver ones with the metallic watchband. After that my walk continued at the clothes shops. Unfortunately, at the Russian shop, there wasn’t any shorts or jacket with the prevalence of cotton instead of polyester. At the basement floor, the big mass market of sports equipment was full of my necessities. But they all cost a pretty penny.

The road back I stumbled on the conductor who was my math teacher at the last school years. I pretended not to notice. So was my tired sleepy day which is going to continue.


Tomorrow I will go to Moscow and this wonderful time of reading “what I want” and caring about yourself “as I like” will have come to end. I cannot believe it and again naively believe in spare time, going out and reading press as I do now. Certainly, I won’t be able to read the V.Woolf’s diary as my constant heartwarming shelter. I do like diaries at all – some sort of real life of people who remained a mark in history and then the mark become their public face, but not truthful.

The English stuff today went not usual as it wasn’t expected to forget the last topic. So I tried to focus and outline the information inside my mind. The mental palaces are helpful, I use the place on the bay to put information on. Despite its long-term efficiency the process isn’t fast and doesn’t seem as productive (in a way of production) as reading million times and making notes.

The going out today was short – just a purchase at the Mall. But the weather was astonishingly great: the sun with blue sky and orange colour in trees. There is no music at the cell phone and no opportunity to avoid old neoclassic tracks. I needed some sounds to break the silence and make some various ways of thinking. As fast as I went back and tried supplies for the binder I’d got it was a foolish whim to buy A5 binder for planning. I filled in the black-year-old binder with sheets and wrote some lists. And such kind of stuff is actually the content of my day.

And such kind of stuff is actually the content of my day. Certainly, I thought a lot about life and study, I listened to another webinar on studying abroad, but hadn’t finished – too common and at the moment too far from me. I read the book for the mastery task and some articles. At the bath, there was a joy of reading press about the modern innovations and business perspectives and achievements at them. The technical development made me frustrate and ask them all about a human being in that robot oriented world of spare time and intuitive gadgets. Isn’t it an investment into the global

The technical development made me frustrate and ask them all about a human being in that robot oriented world of spare time and intuitive gadgets. Isn’t it an investment into the global loss of people in their lives? I mean that the ready world with easy passive entertainments doesn’t challenge people, doesn’t make them discover the new. (e.g. that the car has engine and other stuff when it’s broken in the middle of nowhere). I’m afraid that the world will be totally different in twenty years. And it’s strange to find out that I haven’t thought about this which means I’m not ready to see people who cannot imagine live without the internet connection and social media. It’s a long talk.

Another pretty Tuesday

It looks like I’m going to forget how to describe my days. Anyway, I have some things to say. Right now I’m at home with the bag ready for another little trip to Moscow. But at the middle of the day I was so absorbed with script writing that I had totally forgotten about any preparation or packing.

The idea which I had since the very moment of listening the newest album of Ludovico Einaudi emerged every time I heard the track. And of course I did plan to do something on it. Yesterday morning I spent cooperating with Helga who seemed to me the most active and ready for experiment person. My pleasure was great to know that she’s in game. The rest of the day I was anxious about every little detail and the whole picture. This afternoon the outline was ready (not perfect but is). Now I have some idea about the hardship and invisible efforts needed for making even such a short video. We hadn’t started the filming yet. But I know we will do it anyway.

The other thing which grabs my intention is kind of international opportunities which I actively look for. To this particular moment I cannot say that I have found something suitable. There are many obstacles and difficulties ahead of me.

I assume that it will never be finished I mean the struggle with own ignorance, fears and without demands. But speaking this way I don’t want to say it’s bad, conversely the overcoming process makes life vital and dynamic. Nobody complains because of the risks and drive at the attraction. Life is something the same. You’ll never get nor satisfaction or achievement without risks of failure and zealous investment into life. I remember the great lines from a book: “You’ll never fail if you know you have done all possible”. Retrieving this phrase from time to time I realize that I do not want to be a complaining and suffering person at the end of any process. And the only stable way to avoid it is to be active and invest time and efforts into valuable things. It’s funny to know that any moment of life you can choice between a few options and it’s a free right to choose.
Oh, I’ve written some pathetic ideas again. That’s all me. I actually like the way of political speech (out of the reality context, of course) and rhetoric, discussions as well as human rights. Oh, I’m really afraid of absolute absences of such things at the institute. It’s never enough for me, there is always a choice between few options.

So, I found out that being at home even with the intention to get rest is the worst idea for life in general. Time seems endless and space of the rooms becomes your universe allegedly it is the only option of your leisure. I gave up the habit of being at home after English stuff (gosh, my memory turned out to be so short and fragile – use new attitude).

My list of ideas is long as usual but this time I decided to begin with the photos of texture. The weather condition was so ineligible to walk that from time to time I tried to breathe any air at least to say nothing about freshness. I went to the bay where it had been fun to look for the textures and colours. Surprisingly, I became bold enough to photo people in front and don’t feel shame for breaking their privacy. By the trade center I sung the songs and was a pretty little girl with the camera. I took some marvelous pictures of metal, glass and polyethylene at only one not finished construction of little market.

Frankly, I don’t know enough places here where I could go for reading and writing and I just had gone to the trade center. I do continue to read about social studies despite the fact that the exam passed away. Now the analyses of hippies and yuppies (I can make a mistake, sorry) in history of USA and USSR. Though I’m absolutely ok about reading at public places I had a hunch that there were little amount of people who read something at spare time. There is no passion of book reading at all.

At home I had (and still have) heap of photos to make up and compose in a list or two. I certainly like the projects.

Tennis at the evening went good. Before the beginning I went to the administrator and found out the corridors and the library of the republic’s best school which were quite modern. The head of tennis club amiably asked me about ongoing and recommended to train at the vacation if I can (we all know Moscow’s prices). Unfortunately, there wasn’t a great demand in tennis as I perceived. We had two trainers for four people. The workout itself went normal like nothing but people around had changed. As usual it was easier to breathe freely and even sing some melodies after.

The whole day the yesterday’s first act of Hamlet with Cumberbutch run through my mind fulfilling it with colours and images. The passion for acting and directing is coming back. I want to declaim poems or dialogs by myself. Today we’d watched it fully. Isn’t it strange to feel excitement while so much people pretends to be killed?

Remember the old friend

Let’s begin with yesterday evening when I made mom sit down to let me draw her. We talked much about something and unnoticably remembered my best friend at the elementary school who graduates from the Moscow State Uni this time. I regreted that hadn’t gone to the music school. I was offered to enter as the mother of my friend was the director there. But I said straight no. I did so because of the real risk to compete with her and be kinda retarded friend. And mom would compare us and expect something from me. I thought that way and refused. But now I frankly regret that I was so silly and narrow-minded.
cd5280317dcb89db9f7599d70d8df5e4However, I couldn’t avoid the comparison even in that talk. There is something in her eyes which show me some .. you know something like “I’d like you to be the same successful as her”. I remember how she bought me the same chocolate as this girl’s parents bought to her with the intention to make me smarter. (Ha ha it was “snickers”)
I had laughed about people of my course trying to get round the awkward moment of comparison then. It is quiet visible. She graduates from the best Uni of the country while I prepare with effort to be applied.
This morning I opened the page of my state exams to know what’s result for English. It’s 80 out of 100. Little mistakes with listening and writing. Then I looked through the feed and found out that this school friend of mine had expected red diploma with the golden medal. Of course I was glad for her and congradulated.
After a few hours of boring learning of Russian nineteenth century art (which I greatly loved earlier) I couldn’t endure no more. Walking the same way I thought and felt that I terribly tired by mediocrity of the whole this life. It remains so little time before the exams and the hardest thing is to endure the boredom and routine way of preparation. I mean not the creativity but lack of connection and being at home the whole day. And the same time I know that being able to cope with it’s psychological hardship is a part of achieving goals.
I tryed to get an answer on question how she managed that all. And my answer lies in self-confidence, well rounded condition, good enviroment and the clear vision. My coursemate at the collage who turned out to live next door to her scolded her and called arrogant and goal oriented. Another one who went to tennis with her avoided to be called a part of her surrounding. But we were the best friends four years and just connected a few years more.
I still do not know why mom’s reaction or the fact itself distracked me. I know that I need better social enviroment and some more close people. I need to stay strong inside and no repeat mistakes.

In process

Frankly, studying is hard. The sense of time distorts and I perceive it like endless evening with no beginning or end. The knowledge is never enough and after a few hours of close attention I’ve began to deserve drawing and painting. I wanted to move out of the room, to breathe summer air and have all nice things of the season. However, I manage this all good. Topics have many links with each other and unwillingly I repeat or know old things better.

c26b149f328e5f3df25913fb7301b0bdThere was so great pleasure to read about Stalin’s skyscrapers. Immediately I’d wished to go inside and watch from the highest point at the whole city. Architecture is so exciting and imaginative subject. It makes stories look real. After looking through the Senate of Moscow Kremlin I could imagine the presidential routine much much better. And how fun it could be to observe “the big fishes” in daily working life. I can’t bear it from myself that my interest in high privileged sort of people is much bigger than in common people. All their weakness and strength have an effect on huge number of people.

Nonetheless, the day has only began and I have some more challenges for today. It is clear that I need more creative “exercises” as my vision becomes good structured but not flexible by the regular study of history.


Two days of storyboarding and learning the animation history.To the five pm today I had already felt the dizziness and disorder in my head. Strange enough to be ignorant about the local art and know almost every cartoon of foreign animators. I’m not sure that I will be asked the questions on this art but read up just in a case. The next step will be the questions on my topic (I know I should begin with my topic not animator’s ones).

df10d0e79ddc855a44e0a6527ba40a4bI feel like my wonderful entire focus has been fading away by the long term work and the new information day by day (I did breaks while learning the Western art). It’s just a part of the process, I need to cope with hardship for making it easy. It has already become easy to remember many little necessary things, consider more clear and make links between points. So it is just a process of preparation and I feel really excited about this. I see now so clearly ahead and understand the moment. However, the time consumers like the Internet are hype. I’m too active in getting new information that is why scrolling the feed is the dangerous activity for following the schedule and keeping mind in order.

The streets are full of people in summer outfit. Every year I cannot get at how do they manage to find so beautiful clothes in the shops like that. However, going along the Maxmara I had seen the red dress which was perfect for my walks at Rome. But I am not going to Rome and not going to buy that dress. Though I say myself: why not?

Angry post.

The shower has ended and the air outside the house is fresh and wet. It’s still no one but me at the flat that’s why I can write and speak freely.

The whole day had been going on really bad. I don’t know either the lack of light and area for painting the self-portrait or the grandmom’s presence and comments did distrack me. But the fact is that when I came back from the short walk and returned to the storyboard I was in great fury. The ideas, paper, pencils, the need to adhere to the requirments and the strange huge desire to know exactly where is the best place for studying directing – all that made the picture of angry and emotional me. I hate such kind of people who talk about mood and inspiration for work and don’t do anything but wait for the proper moment. And maybe the percieve of me being like them aggravated me even more.

I couldn’t restrain my anger about the messy flat with lots of rubbish and not proper spirit. I couldn’t be sitting no more. The truth is that I need a normally active life with lessons, meets, trips etc. To the fourth course I had already got across the idea that I cannot spend most of my time in four walls in front of the canvas. You look inside youself too often too deep and don’t speak enough with real people. Someone different would rebel much earlier than me. I need tennis workouts, consulting with teachers, real English lessons to say nothing about goings out.

25ab83beda5137605b796663064d6647Moreover, I consciensly postpone many meaningful for me things. I don’t write down my ideas properly because I know if I begin I won’t be able to stop. Nonetheless, I can’t say I draw enough, I do it rather by obligation than by the real intention. But it doesn’t work as a mechanical task. And I do it badly. The discipline does not work for me at all, the all self-organisation I had at the study was a result of the burning desire to create. Now I consider rather rationally than creatively. And have it’s yields.

The chamber arts include the soul-searching and sufferings. I had already comprehended and refused of this. Everytime I paint or draw I turn on some easy to watch film and listen the speech. Because it’s so gloomy and sad to work in complete silence.

However, I should switch on the positive thinking and resolving the problems not complaining about them. I know how easy it is to change the tune of your inner voice and how influential the physical behaviour is.

Lots of theory

f2185c1c98d3b27bf9d10f84782734a3It is so easy to forget the habit of writing everyday. The truth is that I am doing study the history of art the second day (I mean the whole day). And it was really strange to stay at home with a heap of gothic churches today. After four hours of really hard learning I’d got the horrible truth – I’d read only ten pages. Can you believe this? I cannot. Evidently, only sitting, reading and summing up don’t work for me. I need to collaborate, to move the body. The day I was reading the paragraph to mom was more useful though I’d got headache. Speaking and explaining the ideas and facts aloud is good for understanding. The other way I did (or maybe not) someday is to read walking. But the problem of writing emerges. Yep, dilemma. The week is going to end tomorrow but I am only beginning the Renessance.

On this background my desire to paint increases like prices  the amount of green outdoor. But I feel that I need to study and do my best right now without silly justifications like “Nobody will ask me this at the exam”. I do remember that everything I practice is for my own awareness, skillfulness and ability to work with information.

During the brake at the trade center I observed and noticed people. I’d never felt myself so strange before but it was interesting. I had not tryed to focus on people instead of clothes at the shops ever. I made an impression of looking for something but looked actually on the way salers mix and people choose. The electronic shop was terrifying because of the TV walls which reminded me the Bradbury’s novel. The salers were bored and tired. Some watched the series. I would suggest anyone to change the location for brainstorming and inspiration. At least it is really helpful for me.

Silence day.

My silence day comes as no exam is tomorrow and I must pinch myself to take the textbook and look inside with boring obedience. Nonetheless, the day is great. It’s so sun and fresh everywhere. The remains of snow are no more than the slight notification about yesterday’s winter. Water splashes and sparkle around the roads. There are no woman in a hat – hot crowdy space of buses.fecf862aeb48372345ec244ad7da7eab


I do strange and routine thing – uploading films on the tablet. There are so little space for Civilisation and no space for “Genius of photography”. Maybe it’s good and I’ll have an opportunity to stop to consume and create more. There is time for learning the ways and time for passing the ways. I should focus on drawing next month anyway.

What it will be like? I don’t know but have some ideas for activity.