During the whole day, I am distracted and scattered too many times. There is nobody to shift the responsibility, it’s only I and my complacency. It even becomes neurotically – I refresh DM too often and wait for some news from nowhere exactly like those rats at the lab. Yes, it’s a dopamine game in my brain, I know.
The one curtain solution I found is writing the diary. I mean that school year’s diary with sentences sounded like a report to the policeman. It seems to me that I let time go because I don’t actually aware of own activity during the day. The stream is allowed to just flow away. Many people live like this but wait is it what I always wanted – unconscious life? Frankly, no.
Scientists speak so often about the profits of meditation and streaming writing. Why don’t I try it now? Firstly, here at this blog, I feel like I must write some way which doesn’t include personal, sometimes really boring parts of life and I write rather formally then freely. Secondly, there is just a laziness and fear of discovering something I don’t want to know about myself. (What can it be? Ain’t I so OK?) Sometimes writing is the painful and time-consuming process, which makes me avoid such activity quite often.
But now I simply desire to clear my mind and I can see that those morning pages are too temporal healing. As a girl quoted recently, those who write every day intensify new ideas inside rather than who do it by chance. I want to change my situation with this.
That was a kinky day. I woke up late with painful senses at the whole body, I couldn’t even remember when it was so hard to run the usual track. As fast as I managed I washed the hair, worn the lenses and ate terrific breakfast.
But outside the flat that was still hot and sunny, rare people were crawling on the street while I went to the work again. Nimble enough I prepared everything and opened the site with the old blog. I did copy every single page at the Word file and it had turned out to count about 580 page. It was a little shock which forced me to sit down more comfortable and delete empty lines. To the midday I had managed it and send for printing 368 page – 2 on one side of double-sided sheet. The heap which I put ay the green envelope from the paper block appeared easy to read and carry. I expected the huge pile of papers instead.
The only thing left to do in this case is to arrange and print this exactly blog. I know it’s pretty to see it here but at the material world such approach make us forget about past. It’s like there wasn’t any effort at the end of the day and you didn’t reflect on your life for years. If I have time I will do this.
The working time with its sharp concentration on every little detail of trading, speaking and organising printing another portion of babies photos made me scattered. Some powerless way I ate the sweets and ice-cream with coffee.
However, I put myself together and went on the case. That was as usual a long process of browsing, reading different articles about requirements, credentials and opportunities. I was surprised to know that some places take Unified State Exam as a real proof of education. (Ha!) Despite the optimistic approach, I can see now the long-term hardship which I may cope with in perspective for experience I want.
Then it was strangely tough to get the meaning of Social studies textbook. I mean that I could glimpse over the page easily but understand and retrieve it was uphill.
No comedy or art cinema this Saturday, only bath and lots of water.