So, most of the days I spend learning either history or social study and have nothing to do outside the flat. Sometimes as it’s been just now I go down the street to refresh my mind. That’s basically all I do.
A month ago at my hometown, the mass cafe – McCafe was opened. And today I was there again (it opened here) and did the regular thing I do at the public places – watching people. People are actually the most variable part of that cafe and the most important. Because it speaks for itself. Both times it was like a time machine into the past – talks and types of the girls around were surprisingly the same as it was many years ago. (I don’t mean a type of wear they took but sort of talk they had) While quantity didn’t change they got (I presume) that dump sense of involvement in the western world. An awkward pretty girl had done all she could (make-up, clothes, and location-cafe) to be like “them”. But the magic hadn’t happened. That wasn’t enough to immediately become a part of “that” world and thereafter be happy. Faking felt around quite sharp.
The more time I stay here the clearer reasons why I was eager to move on become. There are no good or bad towns but suitable for you personally or not. Not a moral problem.
But at the field of the preparation, I’m (yes) diligent and hesitating. Sometimes I can legibly hear a teeny tiny voice speaking to me that’s it’s all a silly idea and I am not able to endure this all properly and will only decrease. I cannot imagine the whole study process containing a pile of information. Plus to this, I’ve got some creative ideas outside the institute’s walls. While I’m free I think easily. (But I still despise drawing)
Snowflakes in the windy air of relaxed town rotated so beautiful that I immediately forgot about all that weekly hardship. Mary didn’t come in time as usual and moreover she called me to say she was in the bank because of some ATM problem. We agreed to meet at the center. I was too relaxed to exchange the idea of walk to hostel’s routine. So I went there and we meet at the underground. That’s not so good to meet after the delay and my discontent.
At the streets we immediately ensued to be at the book store where I was looking for the history textbook while she glimpsed some bestsellers. Surely, I was fond of beautiful cover design and quality of production for all books around. But as usual I rationally got the needed textbooks and we directed to the coffee shop.
As far as I saw that I’d got that all I want is to eat something not just drink coffee. And we left the student-oriented modern cozy cafe, did two steps right and entered the Georgian cafe. That was full and noisy. Children who produced a lot of noise were at the workshop on making the cakes. That was a lovely picture of kids romping with pastry and the mold. The interior was full of New Year decorations like the tree and wreathes, warm lamps created private atmosphere though there were two simultaneous birthday parties.
It was pretty upscale for me, but I tried really hard to choose the affordable dishes. Our talks were scarce. That was really hard for me to think up something clever and fun the same time, to find some topic I will passionately provide and discuss. My weekly obsession and desire to get out emerged. It was almost said that I’m not glad with study process. I couldn’t see any theme out of my daily life with tasks and people to speak or not. Life in the box.
She was in the light dress with flourish prints. Her talks about the yoga workshop and psychology books were kind of common. Self-development and comfort zone concepts. But after all tea, coffee and hatchapuri we went to the snowy little street. the way was long and strange but we managed to speak out.
You know the problems are the same for all of us. The conflicts with neighbours, desire for private life and better living conditions for making a family. She wants to get a family but this is hard in the big glamorous city. Boys like easy life without responsibility, as she said. So Mary decided to go back to the hometown in a year if the situation will stay the same. Happiness is more important than legitimacy.
So we said good-bye at the metro crossroad and I went down with light rested mind.
It was yesterday midday when I recieved the text by Lena with the offer to meet. And quickly I agreed to go for a walk, especially at the time of such miraclous weather. The whole summer we all couldn’t wear summer like dresses and hid our legs in shorts. So that’s why I already two days prefer dresses. It doesn’t matter.
However, we met together near by the closest cinema theatre to my home. She prefered to come to a cafe and we directed through yards there. At the surface its were the grey skinny shorts, pink loose-fitting blouse with little rhinestones. Her white little bag with flower pattern was still there as the mini-tablet. She seemed me shorter than before but the same smiling and laughing on rubbish thing (I do the same). At the beginning as it often happens there was some distance and the difference between our conditions. Certainly on her background I’m an optimistic maker of decisions, but she is still on same point.
Later Lena said that she dislike to go the meets as everytime it all reduced to her dreams she had not and her plans she didn’t make. I listened her carefully and felt some pity. Her common understand is clear but certain decisions are lost in the fog. To grasp the idea that the manual labor is low-payed or that we should develop the great idea in the society is not so hard. But to make something farther maybe is. (not for me as we deduced I like to act\
work\create). It is sadly to look at her and understand that she can do things better or even achieve some decent goal in her life but she doesn’t do more deliberated steps.
If she would be the first it amazed me, but exactly I can reckon her as fourth. It has already been the tendency of being lost after art college. What have happened that they all are so gloomy? Contradictions between study time and real life, or between the desire to be happy creator and the absence of response in the air of society. This is the point to contemplate about.
This question always sounds upset at the noisy evening cafe. We couldn’t be so frown and discussed some films she watched and I am adored. Frankly I spoke more than she as I have so much things to say. To begin with my dramatic entrance exams, to “Apocalypse now” and some new notions about life. This was the high-level enjoy to share your ideas with people who can partly understand you.
After two watery tea pots and the dessert we went outdoors. I was glad to meet with her dispite her not merry condition.
This day contains much little details, things, cadres and sun.
I was ironing my clothes and watching “The Art of Germany” the same time. The may day parade dinned out of the window on the main street, where I had been gone in half of an hour with some hope to meet girls in time. There had not already been any flags, groups, music. The square was expectedly placid with all it’s latter. Sitting on a branch I could not take myself easy and be relaxed. Only two girls (Kate and Nastya) came to walk. And mainly our meet was not so common to each of us like my meets with friends. In the cheap cafetery and the all time entirely that was so them’s. I cannot understand. We all live on different waves, sometimes waves are near, sometimes far from each other. The same point about images of life we all have. Their company in spite of all prettiness is not so mine. And all I could was to try to be friendly and keep fun. These are the reasons why we broke windows of the house (what was going to be destroyed), why we run from Kate ex-boyfriend through a back door of the mall and went on unusual road to drink coffee. In front of the stage on the square it was too boring to keep it up. Time is not so infinite for me as I want. Yellow and red tent with all sorts of rabbish and noise.
The rest of the day was spent in my room with Art-house film. Sometimes we should take a brake of society.
After so orderly morning with omelette for breakfast we went for shopping. About half of an hour we were going watching on dishes and tablet PC-es. Going shops and discussing different sides of purchases is a kind of delusion. It seems to you that everything may be bought. But naturally it isn’t true. Mom plunges into this delusion swiftly but I can’t wonder to and fro without curtain aim. Pretty things seldom touch me and rather seldom make me envy.
To change underwear so dainty isn’t my usual way. I used to run into the shop, fetch a model, try it and pay for. That’s all. But now I behold options. Softy pink.
Pizza and milkshake in the same old cafe where I was sitting so often long time ago. We had delayed at sport store trying winter jackets among other mad people who went there for sales. I had a good one but even with the sale too expensive. There is some plesure to watch on options of your look. To the end of time I felt tired with endless noise of music and stir of hangers.
Just a glass of juice at home nothing more.
The first junuary was to my surprise better than ever. As I get sleep after midnight there was no problem to wake up at nine and to go to the cinema after breakfast with my Napoleon. In the cinema hall there was enough people for the first year’s day. And then it began two with half hours of Celtic issue. Of course it’s the fairytale but it has some ground under action. Nothing comes from nothing.
In the cafe on the first floor we had pretty dinner. On the street it was snowing and very homely. A ginger cat run after people with feed and set in white show.
On the rink it came to my mind to compare rink with way of thinking. Enjoying round by round I always was under threat of people skating to another side. Chaos. But fresh air and physical entertainment was fun. Mom almost had learned to skating instead of her painful fall at the end of time. To disturb organisation I will say nothing. You what I mean.
On evening I was so physically and mentally tired that I was only drawing with colour pencils and watching Sherlock.
So pretty sometimes just to get sleep earlier and think. But you know when I begin to think it leads me to reflections. Now I distinguish of notion of life from another, I know that people often behave themselves one way because of nationality and mentality. Sometimes I suffer much with this narrow point of view as it is the second thing I think about person.
But this is not what I wanted to say. The first of Juniary was funny tranguill day of snow and light. Days of rest are so happy sometimes.
To remember yesterday evening. We should meet in the cafe where the friend of Mary worked. Before the meet I get ready styling hair. I need to say it was probably bad day when I still was like a slack stone without passion but with rage about everything. I cryed on grandma because of her being herself and I crying when I hadn’t achieved good hairstyle. It was hard to drink tea with shuddering fingers and went on trolley-bus to met Lena. On the bus stop I had some time and went to the store. Fanny fanny sellers. When I had gone away and come closer to Lena she was so glad to see me. Her pleasure and uncovered friendliness conquered me. Inside the cafe there wasn’t a lot of us at that moment and we could talk one another.
But people went one by one. I was trying to be fanny while inner wanted to swoon. Certainly my health had failure. And a moment did it for me tense. Money. I have it only for a dish, not for drinks or hookah. I had tasted it and felt nothing especial even with very strong one.
I (to my regret) thought much and watch much. Cause of loud music we couldn’t talk and interact one another, we couldn’t enjoy so gross company. I even couldn’t take girl my little presents. That place only for drinking, smoking and laughing loud. Drink to forget about life, smoke for relax and laugh for fun. No persons or real connections. It doesn’t matter.
I went out with Jane on fresh air. To that moment maybe part of smoke had taken an effect and I talked with her more within that five minutes we were going to the bus stop.
Remained part of evening I didn’t know where to set myself.
Morning is better and merrier. We are going to buy a new year tree and some goods.