So, I have told mom about my little plan of career shifting. It was organically, she asked herself if I really move on to Moscow and I said that I have some thoughts. It was terrible, this conversation. Once again I felt pressed and small, unable to do anything with my own life. Afterwards, I grew angry with her endless and fundamental disbelief in me. She suggested to come back to the local Uni for a part-time study for … just in case (I lose). She said that it was a stupid, thoughtless move. It drove me crazy. She never believed in me and would never do. She tries to comfort me with tasty meals and praise for well-done chores. I don’t need such a cold comfort! I need her to believe that I can actually do what I intend.
For so long time I’ve been in a state of not being able to do something with my life that it really seems that I can’t. I cannot talk neither to her nor anyone that I have dark days of self-pity and profound sadness. But she again notices what people of my age achieve. There is no way to rely on her as an emotional supporter. This all keeps me low and I want to get out of this swampland. I’m sick and angry of being weak.
While cleaning up our flat I unwillingly caught myself thinking about moving on to the other city, finding a job to sustain and doing all by myself. I don’t want to look into her eyes and see pity.