I’m stacked. Recently I could spend hours for studying history and English but now I can hardly push myself to think about plein air’s activity. That’s strange and terrible the same time. The action I was eager to do during college years, now is a reluctant thing. My hours are spent with high futility and boredom. I am just afraid of any steps. I’m afraid of looking like I’m not like an artist and vice versa. That’s a headache which worn me out.

June home 104But sure, there are the great educational programs which seem to me interesting. They all require extremely high score at the exams. And I’m afraid I’m not that smart.

Now my inner feeling looks like a bent pet at the corner with no desire to go out and shop. There is nothing I’d like more than calm and clear vision. I’ve spent the whole year on hesitation, doubts, anxiety and low self-estimation. And my life has stopped. My inner force which helped me to move forward and make jokes now is a small and dreamy one. It’s still difficult for me to consider life with gravity. I still have high hopes and dreams. However, my inner voice speaks to me that staying where I am now is not a good idea at all. My inner voice still has this opinion. It still has one.

 

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rainy rainy Saturday

At the renewed McCafe on the Bay, there are too many people around. My mocha was delicious despite the noises around. That was so strange to notice how people drinking through a straw resemble the cows. Divided by the panels and tables they are pushed inside by some strange reflection of local fashion.

I finally send the last paper to be concerned to pass the exam at the reserve day. But some part of me has already spoken that it’s hopeless and rather expensive then rational. Surely, I’d like to see Spb once again but now it’s more important to figure out further steps. For some reason I’m lazy. Really, I am reluctant to do anything special, it’s too comfortable to stay slow. I know it’s not for a long time but now that’s so.

Actually, the question which makes me up at night is “Could I be successful in that humanities for real or should I dine in the arts again?” I’ve got that I need a balance between knowledge and practice in multiple areas, not only one. Yesterday we watched the documentary film about Spain and there was a story of a girl who lost her legs because of the terrorist’s attack. She was shining, full of life and love, she got a few higher educations, made a great career at journalism and became a happy mother. It was said by her that she and her mother just decided to be happy. It’s strong. As for me, it’s really strong and worth respect. This is the

June home 156

Yesterday we watched the documentary film about Spain and there was a story of a girl who lost her legs because of the terrorist’s attack. She was shining, full of life and love, she got a few higher educations, made a great career at journalism and became a happy mother. It was said by her that she and her mother just decided to be happy. It’s strong. As for me, it’s really strong and worth respect. This is the stem we all need. And me in particular.

If I pick the documents out of the institute and be applied to the local one on the languages, I thought it could be interesting to work on being a professional artist, not a studying one.  The other option is staying at the Institute, continuing the realistic way and going out in Moscow. All I need is a clear picture and tools for the progress.

Almost done. II tour drawing

So, it’s heavy shower outside. The hostel is tranquil as any place under the rain. The warm light of lamps at the empty quite corridors with dark grey colour of weather. I did exercises at the drawing room which was really strange as nobody were to do it too. I made and ate breakfast alone as I was the first person at the obscure kitchen without a window. While eating I unwillingly remember that such square meal is the remain of UK trip. We did eat almost the same way, the only difference was toasts with jam or butter.
However, this is the great morning of rain I have many words to type and say. But basically it concerns to institute and the character of applicants as well as teachers. Yesterday while drawing the head I was considering either feeling so uncomfortable and unhappy there is good or it is just a part of unpleasant process of exams and people around. Sometimes I even have a panic (yes, with plain face) that it’s not absolutely my way. Though I know it’s ok to doubt I can notice that I force myself to go to the insitute rather than fly there zealously. There are many new ideas which came during this time. Printing books and devise the concept, making sketchbooks, shooting music videos, painting studies, English stuff, writing essays etc.
But the general situation at the institute is going good for me. One girl went the distance and took her documents out just because of the idea of bad drawing and painting. Nice for me, shame for her. To my own manners with other applicants, it is rather removed and shallow. It would be interesting to mix with a few girls but I don’t want to combine the competition and relationships. It is much easier when you do not know people and move in own direction.
I had been sitting at the hall for a few minutes longer as I texted Mary. She couldn’t go out with me then and I comforted myself with the lonely way to the station. But Nastya Ch. was waiting for me downstairs. Such moments I get that I do not understand something crucial. It is so torturous to hear her narrow-minded replies. Maybe my dislike is the result of the contrast between her enthusiasm about animation and my motivation’s slack. The relief was reading of “Make it stick” the rest of the road.
Today, it will be a miraclous day as we are to draw a nude model and this is almost the last day of the practical exams.