don’t give up

That’s quite strange to go through the whole town to the local university – the same place where I went to the tennis. There are the open market and a few dusty bridges which may us see the ravine with its decrepit houses. Using public transport this way is full of old and grumpy people who haven’t changed for the decades. Everything there stays the same unbearably boring and limited. Sometimes I ask myself how could I live here for twenty years but then remember all my moaning about moving on and everything falls into place.

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The application went very well, I gave them my copies and got their good spirit. The application process was going on at the tennis gym. The irony, isn’t it? I wandered there up and down looking at the doors and corridors with the pictures. Strangely enough, but they have the same door signs as VGIK has.

The way back I was kinda sad and furious about this all. I don’t like using backup plans at all. I know that I need to give up my slowness and low self-esteem. Going back home makes me firstly more rigorous about life and secondly, make me give up a highly intensive chase for the dreams. Isn’t it the most stupid thing – being a half of yourself, accepting the least instead of fighting for the most? Being honest with yourself truly require lots of work and perseverance.

Some road thoughts

I just wanted to say that it’s quite terrible to feel like you could (and maybe should) be at good master degree program, but your documents can’t be accepted even at the local BA programs for the reason of law. How often in our roads of life we just shuffle slowly instead of going straight or running? Trying to get accepted by some low-ranked universities while you know your place must be some better ones.

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Such days I perceive misplaced. It comes clearly and sharp. It comes with the delusion of the big and old city some streets create under the rain. It’s just a great contrast between me and all those green applicants who want to feel safe and legitimate.

The other thing I got lately was a simple idea. You really need to work for a progress, not just wait for it to happen. Evidently. But why is it so new? Maybe because last year I rather acted in order to avoid, not to achieve.  Now I am sick of the foundation of my life now and see that there is a lot to repair and create.

The one stupid thing at the morning totally changed the day. My alarm clock didn’t work. I opened eyes feeling the light out of the curtains. Strange thing for the morning in Moscow. I thought it’s Wednesday and quietly reflected on the dream. I saw some preparation philosophy course where the lector came to one student during the break and ask either he knows foreign languages or no. He said no and the lector directly responded that he wouldn’t attend in this case. So was my strange dream.

The morning I had to be at the cinema hall watching the Soviet films. But I did read the articles on them and watched the extracts. For some reason, my skip didn’t worry me at all. I ate the soup at the canteen in the company of the girls (such a boring company) and watched the people around.

During the lecture I observed the teacher. She was clever and good-looking (for her age) the strategy seemed smart and interactive. Students could feel free to express their impressions. Her tale about the famous director was full of bright details. I looked at her and some ideas came to mind. The ideas about life and happiness, and pleasure. The vague but so explicit ideas of life I want to lead. The clear image of society I want to be a part of, the lifestyle including lifelong self-education, visits to theatres, museums and other cultural places, the sturdy family relationships, good stylish apartment, the great profession which is a part of me. Piano music by the real piano. And in a moment everything seemed clear, understandable and possible. c1dd7bbb78056e27278b26436f1f5241

Moreover, I got that I need to demand more from myself to fill the gap between the idea and reality. Presently I live like in a dream, not like in a real world. I cannot look at other people’s faces and frankly say something like “I work on my becoming a production designer” or “I do everything to achieve my goal”.  Actually I am between, not within.

There was a lesson of the mastery then. I did talk a lot and felt quiet good being so indifferent about the pictures in the plastic bag. Mary offered me a project again. I couldn’t reject the other way than just taking her along and talking to her strangely. She very quickly asked me either I was burnt out at the profession and wasn’t I going to study the whole year. Talking to her a bit was my relief. The way down on the old staircases was the easiest for the whole time. The road to the art store I listened the Russian history and felt so good. The work is ahead.

This is hard and unpleasant to paint at the noisy room with absurd thoughts in the air. Something what makes study so awful. So disgusting. Such moments I feel all idleness of time I kill and see all lost opportunities. The still life which was badly set at the shadow and which my course mates reluctant to modify.

However, I had great yesterday. I did laugh and talk fast with the first year director about the decoration. Still there were senses of hatred in my mind but I could do work in general.

Today I regret that I took the project and will be busy the whole week. Though it can help me to see work by experience and get it all clear.

Moreover, there is election time during which I was out of touch. I am so ignorant in politics and so self-restraint to study it that it’s impossible to lead more than emotional conversation. Where people get time for reading the news? It worries me.

The trial English lesson went good and left the impression of good organised learning. That was exactly what I need – mental work. After you have done something you were eager to do long time everything seems possible. It’s all possible, isn’t it.

Surely I’m not eager to draw the ship, interior cartoons and many furniture details. Though it helps to deviate from self reflection.

Strange time, it’s so hard to force myself to work while all the conditions aren’t good.

P.S. It’s going to be furious time at the festival and study

In a word “ignorant”

It’s late morning with all grey colours outdoor. I ate scrambled eggs and some chocolate. I need to go to the next door neighbour to ask for washing. Also I need to finish the canvas and paint another one. This is the plan.

Yesterday I watched video about Harvard admission and after that had felt extremely ignorant and uneducated person. All my activities seemed so slow, weak and not serious and people I connect with – so narrow-minded and little. The other point is the understanding that I’ll never be either in Harvard or Oxbridge. I should say that my little snobbishness dreamed about such kind of education in some farther future, shouldn’t I?

The same time I feel like nothing developing is going on. Talks at the drawing workshop are exactly the same as in college (with little local correction) and the drawing itself doesn’t make me smarter, more collaborative or polite. The old row. Nonetheless, every time somebody touches topics from modern cinema to politics, history and society I have nothing to say. It’s just a vacuum inside my mind which makes me recognise myself as ignorant. I always feel like I haven’t got enough information and have no right to speak out.

Getting that means I don’t believe in my ability to cope with exams harder than state ones.  But I actually can, there is no place for shadows of school years. The bones of the scale grow before 25 and I have 3 extra years which is better to spend on development in all the areas of my life. The question is ‘How’. 0d2215195230e673900d1bae6cc8c1c9

There is still a sense of a square pig at the round hall even if I am sitting with Nastya and her boyfriend Ilgiz and watching late night show. There is something I cannot figure out. But after ten p.m. I begin to stomp and acclaim how much I want to get education and how little I get it now. I remember as clear as it was yesterday that Ilgiz said me on the first grade of the college that I’ll certainly write own books (meaning I was smart enough). I do appreciate his words though there wasn’t any real analyses of abilities. We believe people who believe in us because we are irrational.

I did listen the program “Pozner” while drawing the other plein air leave. Konchalovsky was really enlighten in arts, politics and psychology and he makes films (which are basically not audience ones). Is it possible at all?

I need to attune myself for intensive work as I’m going to hand the pictures at Monday.

Printing and researching

That was a kinky day. I woke up late with painful senses at the whole body, I couldn’t even remember when it was so hard to run the usual track. As fast as I managed I washed the hair, worn the lenses and ate terrific breakfast.

But outside the flat that was still hot and sunny, rare people were crawling on the street while I went to the work again. Nimble enough I prepared everything and opened the site with the old blog. I did copy every single page at the Word file and it had turned out to count about 580 page. It was a little shock which forced me to sit down more comfortable and delete empty lines. To the midday I had managed it and send for printing 368 page – 2 on one side of double-sided sheet. The heap which I put ay the green envelope from the paper block appeared easy to read and carry. I expected the huge pile of papers instead.

The only thing left to do in this case is to arrange and print this exactly blog. I know it’s pretty to see it here but at the material world such approach make us forget about past. It’s like there wasn’t any effort at the end of the day and you didn’t reflect on your life for years. If I have time I will do this.

The working time with its sharp concentration on every little detail of trading, speaking and organising printing another portion of babies photos made me scattered. Some powerless way I ate the sweets and ice-cream with coffee.

However, I put myself together and went on the case. That was as usual a long process of browsing, reading different articles about requirements, credentials and opportunities. I was surprised to know that some places take Unified State Exam as a real proof of education. (Ha!) Despite the optimistic approach, I can see now the long-term hardship which I may cope with in perspective for experience I want.

Then it was strangely tough to get the meaning of Social studies textbook. I mean that I could glimpse over the page easily but understand and retrieve it was uphill.

No comedy or art cinema this Saturday, only bath and lots of water.

 

Working

All my Napoleon’s plans were crashed with the annual country work. (The bad language here). Half of yesterday I was there making some stupid rump. It was so irritating. Sometimes I just can’t understand how it’s possible to jump over the city culture to the rural routine. At the end of yesterday I looked forward the city life with plain roads, water and light.95f9469f87c59571dffa2f104996f2a1

Not only destroyed plans of preparation annoyed but the fact that the son of family’s friend went to Canada for study. Just another click to dive into study. That boy was a friend of mine sometime in primary school. But you know how strange it was to visit their eight rooms flat with nanny, maid and big aquarium though I always felt like home and had no confusion. Then he studied at the best local school (not well known school, but best) where my classmate studied too. Yep, educational ways are winding. We played at the same room but I was expelled from the gymnasium because of English and geometry. Such moment it is the best to remember that everyone has own way and it mustn’t look perfect. Though I still a bit regretful about the choice of school and my passivity in study. Typical fixed mindset.

So today I have to carry some more stuff at the country and find out answers on interview questions. And I’m nervious again. I don’t know how to cram everything into Sunday. I just hope my mom won’t have a garden to distrack me as her mom does. I asked her but the answer was vague. This all is so great kick to achieve goals and to climb on the desired mountain.

The last day at M

So, the suitcase has completed, the dinner is eaten, rubbish is thrown away. And what else? I’m ready for the night train and have the intention to ride away now. But I have the lesson today and my train is at midnight.
I woke up so happy and enthusiastic to move on that I smiled and talked nicely with the Spanish man at the hall. The run was refreshing as usual. The track for run and dog walking was wet and grey today. Calm swans glided on the water surface while dogs were running and barking at each other. Funny character of a man who took a business call and told about something serious. He was in the black outfit which made him look like walrus. Many old people with ski poles. The pond was tranquil as usual, and as usual very pleasant. I found out the very harmonious Chinesse restourant at the corner of the building. It reminded me some Boston’s cafe on the corner. Basically, it all was the same. The same quietness, the same stir. Difference was in the weather which is so rainy now that I ch
ose the warmer boots for moving.

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Yesterday I watched two particularly interesting interviews by Pozner with Tatyana Chernigovskay. She told about the influence of Internet and typing on the brain and the fact that out brain decides everything ahead us. He takes decision, we do something and then he convinces us that this decision was our own. So we all have things decided long before we know it. I got it always that brain is much smarter than me.
The another thing was that wrong answers and untypical thinking make people more like genius. She noted that genius couldn’t take the State Exam well. And I know why. While I was preparing for this stuff I could feel the bad effect. There was no desire to be curious, to think through and find the gist. No, there were just answers on questions. This is why I really want to return to that eager approach in study and life.
  Also she told about the artifical intelligence which can develop so that it will desire to blackout us. Scary things.
But the way she answered questions and reflected inspired me to keep up with the old fashioned way of consumering informatio and think over my cellphone’s habits. I know that it would be better to limit my time there and maybe to come back to the paper recorder.
Now, I see that the decision not to make the new storyboard was silly and childish. I have time and place. What else? It’s important to begin the intensive process at home without any delay. There won’t be any excuses. I know.

The final end of the study.

The half of the day was short as I had it in the workshop drawing my cartoon. In the morning there was no sign of yesterday’s storm. In the empty painting workshop I had been working till the first lesson. Then unexpectadly we were send out by some tutor. It should be said that in the morning I felt myself so broken and heavy inner. But then the process of drawing had made me feel better.

Yesterday.
That was unforgetable day of the last exhibition in the college. Morning was so sunny and frivolous, I had just a bag and no more. In the college no room was ready to do an exhibition. We’re sitting in the hall. Then neglectfully we got another exhibition’s pictures out of the workshop and put our own. I joked much and spoke easy as about my sketches as about other’s pictures. In a few hours the exhibition had been almost finished. Basic pictures were had watched and only diploma had remained. My marks was terrible like I never wanted to have. Nobody went to say us something about it. Nobody said should we wait for diplomas’ exhibition outcome or not. It was shameful. Especially when one of managers came to make us run for scouring the workshops. Then another one came to cry on us with some of treat. It noticed me school time when I felt the same seizure to this routine.
Then we had hours in the dark corridor, feeling bad doubts and fears. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. When it had finished we all entered the hall. I looked around here and said to myself “Oh my Lord, how little this place is, and how much the number of us!” The process didn’t please but I standed rigidly. The teachers altogether were exhusted sitting on the red chairs. Britvin tried to force on me with his unplease. So silly it is. I know that all that time I did drawings for cartoon. After that I would do cartoon itself. No haste in my castle. But actually in the regime of study I should show the cartoon, not sketches. Of course, I thought about stupidity around, in the marks’ sistem (you know, only four options to change) in the papers’ affairs. But after the process everyone directed different ways and I stitched my tutor to discuss deals. Even if I’d got certain advises.
Some time after we’re drinking coffee in the McD. All of us was exhusted and thoughful. I like many times before covered a sadness, what could capture me, with smiles, jokes and unbearable joyful about the end of the study.
The evening I was so much tired that no one deal except watching the film about Italy hadn’t been done then. This kind of weariness names The stress.