All this warmth and all this coldness.

I overslept for a half of an hour and did exercises in a rush instead of a jog. Mom boiled some porridge for us and we had breakfast together in the sunny kitchen. During the road through the chip district, my head was light and empty, the same continued when I entered the University without paying any attention to the crowd of young applicants in front of the gym. While the exam passport was given I interacted with a girl who was coming to the English exam too. In spite of her medical background, she seemed boring – who does the cheat sheets before the very exam? We were sitting in the empty auditorium for about fifteen minutes in total boredom. I had managed to notice the leak in the ceiling, construction of the tables (which weren’t tables but the composition of iron balks and countertop), newness and the cheapness of the building. I’d noticed the silly phrases hand written on the table. Twice I was recognized as a teacher.

Then the woman came in and for more ten minutes set the equipment. The papers she gave us were surprisingly familiar. That was the first option on the site I used. Some answers were familiar even before the listening. The critical moment was speaking as I remember that there needed a structural answer but I hadn’t rehearsed any answers at all. I did some mistakes while speaking and heard it. After that boring process, I returned to writing. I rewrote three paragraphs about space. That seemed more or less interesting. After completing all the papers I got out of that cold chip auditorium.

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The Institute and this University have in common bad new construction – painted walls and new doors, but they are the same impersonal and cold. You know, organizations built something new because of the pure need, and in this necessity very often makes them neglect aesthetics. After a few years, such building starts being and looking like unpleasant woodshed with broken parts but still able to work on the main purpose. Like an ugly loo.

There is a plenty of things I could reflect on after that exam. The main was the same. “What do I do? I’m not going to be a linguist and work on an employer. ”

Hot weather makes us all feel dizzy and unconscious. It was a great idea to swim at the pool after lunch.

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Conflicts and delights

This day must be excellent but a bit stressful. The result came out a bit different from my expectations. Recently my enthusiasm about some little stuff is high in the mornings. And today it was the same. I wake up early, just two minutes before the alarm clock (but slept an hour more) The first lesson was the best one – the training. And it’s quite easy to come downstairs and make exercises. As I speak to myself now “The universe itself wants me to have a good fit, and it’s a sin to ignore it” And this idea makes me absolutely happy about the obligation which makes some people moan.

After the gym, it was even more easy to feel the lightness of the holiday. At the lift, I was speaking with one animator and got her passivity about the visit to the museum.

The workshop was empty and two girls who were there didn’t have any enthusiasm about drawing. All wanted to eat the promised heap of pancakes. I was going to and fro. It turned out that one boy was left without a gift because of us. We went down to buy a book but there wasn’t any suitable. Our plan to give him a cake failed for a reason of lack of communication. That was a terrible situation when two of three were gifted but one left neglected. We ate and drunk, I even tried scotch (terrible). The conflict arose afterwards.

That was such a terrible unexpected and distracting situation that I couldn’t make out how to behave. The complicated machine of ethics and profits stuck inside me. Toilet, Instagram and breathing. It was a silent decision to shade away. The passivity and silence while my course mates spoke politely to Sasha about the ins and outs of happened. All was to persuade him in our innocence. To say shortly, it was a philosophy study case. Finally, the other girls bought him a book – something strange. I gave a part of the money. All went down.

But I was talking to Vlad about different American and British accent, we listened to each other. (My inclination to British was clear) That talk with the duration of a few hours made me feel so happy. It was hard for me to grasp quickly, I did forget the thought I wanted to say. (I become stupid while he is speaking so good – bad calls)

I went out quickly and booked an English lesson – that was really motivating for me just to talk about English with someone.

So, I found out that being at home even with the intention to get rest is the worst idea for life in general. Time seems endless and space of the rooms becomes your universe allegedly it is the only option of your leisure. I gave up the habit of being at home after English stuff (gosh, my memory turned out to be so short and fragile – use new attitude).

My list of ideas is long as usual but this time I decided to begin with the photos of texture. The weather condition was so ineligible to walk that from time to time I tried to breathe any air at least to say nothing about freshness. I went to the bay where it had been fun to look for the textures and colours. Surprisingly, I became bold enough to photo people in front and don’t feel shame for breaking their privacy. By the trade center I sung the songs and was a pretty little girl with the camera. I took some marvelous pictures of metal, glass and polyethylene at only one not finished construction of little market.

Frankly, I don’t know enough places here where I could go for reading and writing and I just had gone to the trade center. I do continue to read about social studies despite the fact that the exam passed away. Now the analyses of hippies and yuppies (I can make a mistake, sorry) in history of USA and USSR. Though I’m absolutely ok about reading at public places I had a hunch that there were little amount of people who read something at spare time. There is no passion of book reading at all.

At home I had (and still have) heap of photos to make up and compose in a list or two. I certainly like the projects.

Tennis at the evening went good. Before the beginning I went to the administrator and found out the corridors and the library of the republic’s best school which were quite modern. The head of tennis club amiably asked me about ongoing and recommended to train at the vacation if I can (we all know Moscow’s prices). Unfortunately, there wasn’t a great demand in tennis as I perceived. We had two trainers for four people. The workout itself went normal like nothing but people around had changed. As usual it was easier to breathe freely and even sing some melodies after.

The whole day the yesterday’s first act of Hamlet with Cumberbutch run through my mind fulfilling it with colours and images. The passion for acting and directing is coming back. I want to declaim poems or dialogs by myself. Today we’d watched it fully. Isn’t it strange to feel excitement while so much people pretends to be killed?

The last state exam ever.

Though I have written today something in English I’m to write more. As usual the morning of the exam day was glorious, calm and sunny. I did my ritually accurate make-up and even revised words and essays.

7b216dd374be906395c16ebccf310ff1It was strange to go at the trolley bus like nothing is happening and it doesn’t matter at all. I had gone a quarter to ten when the whole class was filled. The security guard couldn’t understand the signs at my running boots but then I was greeted with many wishes of luck. I felt myself very remarkable and strange. It seemed like girls were trained like paranoid. That was such an odd sense of calm and even indifference. The observers happened to be better organised than the last time. I had the envelope with many numbers of four and nine which was the good sign.

Then, as you may quess, was the hours of concentration with chocolate and water. I don’t think my writing was good enough on terms of reasoning but I hope the best. However, I did the silly mistake which I realised after the end of the time.

There were so many school pupils in black and white clothes, they spoke with their teachers who waited for them all the time, they spoke loudly about breakouts and possible mistakes. The classical picture of young adults. Frankly I feel very independently and mature near by them. It reminds me how did I try to rebel to be myself despite all dress codes, ready to accept mindset and other. I just felt that actually nothing has changed since the very school, I still try to think by myself and get valuable things. I still don’t affraid to critisise the privicy policy at school (it’s just ridiculous and inhuman to allow such common toilets!) and looks strange working out at the break.

There were really much former pupils at the town, they were everywhere, even at the center which is usually placid that period of time. I took a cup of latte at the nice bar and walked home.

Very Verbally

So, yep. The first part of the most harsh exam came out.

The morning was calm and steady. I had a breakfast and coffee then have some time for myself and watched the video at Youtube. And understood that it’s not the community which I want to be a part of. This is why I spend much less time there.

1ffd87d784b176cf513e8e8203d23633The school of the exam was at the poor district this is why I had to arrive from the bus stop by the market. There is a lot of common women in grey clothes and with face expression of a peasant. However, I didn’t matter and went to the school. It seemed like no one was there, I stepped to the doors and found out them locked. Strange. However the back doors were transparent and opened.

This time it wasn’t so strict as the first two. The windows of the room looked on the stadium where the woman on the white bicycle had been driving cicles all the time of waiting. The two restless women didn’t know properly the process and we all had seen the scenes of their confusion and uncertainty. This pointed me out that I had already forgotten how it happened in the school life, how chaotic and unhuman this all is. The unlocking toilets, scarce equipment (without any comparison with time of my study, then it was more scarce but not so necessary) and the name of childen even for full aged audience.

However, the examine itself was really fast and boring. I felt nervious and the voice was trembling, my reading and questioning were fast. Answers weren’t great or normal, that was my stressful version of English. Maybe it’s ok for the state exam. I don’t worry or even matter, I am still learning things.

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The energy level is a strange substance which varies day by day differently. But the constant think is that the late morning means slowness and missing the best creativity hours. The mood of dreams and quietness takes me the freedom for new ideas and flexibity for adapting old for new. It’s easy to forget that the good condition and high spirit is the result of actions and limitations which isn’t allowed to give up. I often forget this and scroll the Youtube feed (how clever it is!).

4bab2d6c295a65f9ac55e4bfcfde4dbaI can proof that our senses depends on our behaviour as after the moment you decided to be active, smart and creative the tones of necessary power had descended on you. I write such pretentios and boring things as I’ve got that I can do something properly until I record the whole fervol somewhere. Yesterday I wrote about social networks and as a result I refreshed it not so seldom as necessary.

The other point is the inner (not motivation) mindfulness and vivacity. The best rule which I can fetch by this is not dispelling on doubts, fears, endless reflections, but focus on the content, ideas and the actual realisation.

I have just written such nice words but this morning was noticably pointless. I read the unit at the textbook but didn’t learn everything, downloaded some other testbooks which is the treat of me. I scare to have the wrong\not full\elementary material and chase for something more difficult instead of real study. This is the main reason of my delay in history preparation. I’m between a few textbook all of which are not perfect. This so called problem is so silly that I’m going to resolve it right now.

Another Saturday at M town

Yesterday was supernatural day. I woke up with the sound of rain drops. It meant no running but some exercises and uncomfortable walking. And it was still raining when I went out to the subway. Even though there were many tourists on the New Arbat, no one walked at my way to the museum. But it was absolutely beautiful especially with BBC radio which did the damp weather romantic. You know I like to walk under the rain or sit at home, anyway I like it because some strange sentiments appearing in me such times. But to the moment I got to the museum it had already been snowing. Can you imagine that?
Inside I had to pay for entry the huge sum and had to leave my bag at the cloakroom. Sketches unwillingly were cancelled. Halls were really crowdy like in a real great international museum. The exhibition of the Dutch photographer looked nice and strengthen the decline of traditional painting. His works were photos sort of historical pictures at the digital era.

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All around his exhibition were traditional. The well-known temprorary exhibition of Cranachs excited me much. I liked their pictures long time ago and found it alive and beautiful. Their work is thin and restrained but this only underlines the inner life, the energy. Pictures have powerful energy and big massage. I couldn’t believe that those alive people died five centures ago and there was nothing else by them but the picture and some historical circumstances. PIctures took all my attention and this is why I understood the reasons of poor fantasy of people’s behaviour at the museums. I don’t look at them but at the arts.
I was exhusted and hungry when I left the building. The dinner I ordered at the cafe was so huge that I had felt silly even before the desert. It was so nice to sit there without any sense of oddity. The trade center was crammed with people and quiet boring to walk in. Near by the subway stationa guy comes to me and asked in English either the station is closed. It appeared that yes. I led him to the other station and asked about the town. He’s from Germany and went to consult about 2018. He said that he liked Moscow more and more every time he went. I was a bit pessimistic and told about rudeness and not politeness of people here. When I left him at the cash and he thanked me warmly I felt that my behaviour was typically russian. Sad ideas, indifference, rudeness a bit. And I could speak with him more about something, be sticky but it is hard for me to be like many of made up girls looking for foreigners. I like Moscow where I can meet such people without any special intention. At the process of shopping for the week I reproached myself not once and rotated ideas in my mind. Necessity of speaking practice.
The texts went from Sasha and Nastya simultaniously. I had the appointment with first and unexpected offer from the second. Of course I wanted to have time on both friends but finally I decided to keep my word and meet with Sasha.
At the subway I was sleeping and couldn’t see anyone around. But when I opened my eyes it turned out that Sasha was standing near by the doors. She had haggard look. Messy hair and blurred make up at the pale face. But voice was fresh. That was strange meeting thought there was nothing actual strange. We talked about our education, her diploma, some people we know, some films we watched. But I felt she’s hesitating now, she’s still the same college girl in spite of capital’s experience. I can’t see development. And it made me worry. At the way home I thought another time weither it helps both of us to grow. And answer is evidently no.
At the night I couldn’t sleep long time because of the neighboor’s conversation with the Irish boy. I listened her English again and wasn’t able to make out why don’t I practice language while such people do. I could do it much better.

The sunny day with melted snow and many pigeons at the streets. The workers are at jobs and only old men are outdoors. Evidently it is spring with all it’s fresh air and light, with all it’s hope and expectations.

I completed the whole time table for the preparation. And now I’m distorting it with my lazy behavior and the reluctance to touch it all again. Rubbish rubbish. I must remember about free choice I make every day and the big choice for the expected future. It all remind me the school time when I had troubles with lessons. Now I know and understand much more to behave another way. There are still eight years between me and that time. In spite of flattering manner I thought so passing by my school.

The english lesson came fast. I wasn’t satisfied a lot with “Your speaking is quiet good today” though sometimes such phrases were vital. She looked enthusiastic as usual but when I asked some details she couldn’t answer me without checking out. There are some points to think about. I mean studying english with limited budget but huge desire. I should think how.

(I appointed the meet with Helen and it’s going to be good)

Being not academical

Sun shines today too. I was walking to and fro the points with energetical music and watched at the asphalt as something beautiful. People looked at my camera with dump faces as usual.

At the english I made out that I’m so slow and clumsy to consider about tasks. Why is it so? The speech is really affected with a lack of listening and reading. She felt it. We spoke a lot about information we get through TV and internet, did some simple listening.

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Now I feel a gap in myself to be fulled. This gap is tiresome, boredom and slowness. This is not what I want to be. So I should focus on energy, enthusiasm and quickness. Maybe at the end of exam I would be so thirsty to do real things that first week transfored into week of passionate workoholic. Watching at the moscow bridge today I rememebed good moments of college’s life I could call “life”. I considered: life is when you are washing your brushes (something like this), observing your outcome and think that tomorrow you’ll do it another improved way. You discuss it with people, find ideas and feel meaningful. Work part of life should look like that.There is a turn on my way, I feel I have to transform.

It’s the evening of the first “working” day. The sky has already darkened and the glowing garland looks pretty at the black background. We agreed to remain New Year decorations until wednesday.

I have begun the storyboard on kind of poetry I had at the entrance exam. Now I don’t want to complain about the quality (I know, I know) but to say that I have started the process and have no intention to stop. Anyway after an hour of walking along the phone I had got the call to the institute. And it’s going to be few days in Moscow next week.

But the main point to think about was my feelings. I mean fear. Ridiculous subconscious fear of mistake. I laugh at myself a lot on such things. Calls, meets, talks and decisive actions are things what look dangerous but as I do it once the illusion fades away. But I have some adequate fears about life in the student hostel. Even though it’s rubbish, I’m not a typical  creative student as I have schedule, plan on year, month and week. I can count money and have some financial literacy. It sound like nothing to worry about and it’s only me. Actually I have a right to be myself as anyone has.

The progress test for english shown that I didn’t studied so diligently as necessary. However, my level seems a bit better and I can watch films without subtitles. But vacation affected the progress. I should return to daily exercises and stay on track as usual.