Note on the environment.

While I was cutting the onions I watched an old documentary about Pozner. You know, to discharge my mind. But during that time, the sharp contradiction I faced so often during school and college time met me again. My grandma went to the kitchen too and was washing and moving something in our three square meters, she was talking some rubbish and expecting me to answer something on that.

The image of Pozner’s early life in the upscale environment, educated people around and variety of tasks around made me feel envy again. Surely, my life is another story, but there is something offensive in looking at wealthy life. I won’t the beauty and freedom of such lifestyle but I regret I hadn’t a possibility to be surrounded by the better environment. And surely, there is neither excuse for me nor a reason for sadness. I just see how things are linked to each other. Past and present.

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2/10. May holiday at home

That was the second day at hometown and home particularly. I was going to write every day but for the reason of tiresome, I hadn’t done it yesterday. These two days we were shopping across the town, we’d been at all the big trade centers and small old ones. Tonight I got that I could not see shoes anymore. My wishes are very concrete and understandable (which makes it more manageable at Moscow rather than here). I’d better overpay for quality and comfort than waste hours and hours in the temptation to find a needle in a haystack. However, I cannot be angry with mom by her hesitation and endless search.

My visit here emerged some thoughts about the capital town as a beautiful and blossoming place. I totally forgot how terribly boring the life here is, how empty the streets and how colorless are rare people. I have no idea where to go out and where to walk despite all the years here. People move less, are less diverse and calmed down in a bad way. There is poor history around here. I don’t know, it’s felt limited and narrow like shallow water where is nothing more than can be seen.  And it appeared to me not so evident from the Moscow point of view.

I thought I could hear myself better here but it turned out controversy, there is more noise of routine and narrow-mindedness than I presumed.

Tuesday in a room

I want to be honest with myself and not hide my own laziness and weakness in perspective of the future rereading of these notes.

The whole day I could observe the variety of gray clouds above geometry of housing area. It went to the right verge of the window as well as rare planes flying somewhere from the nearest airport. My sketches were put on the bed in order to be observed, and pencils were at the table to use them directly. I did draw the sketches, yes. But the more frequent move was the escape. It took different forms like watching book reviews, refreshing Instagram, reading the university sites, making tea, eating dried fruits, going to the kitchen to fry the lunch. After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”.

After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”. Maybe, my vision changed by the influence of constant watching the classic, but it seemed me so scarce and hard to understand that couldn’t believe I liked it years ago.

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In a word, the whole day I tried to avoid working on the mastery in a proper way. But the truth is that I must do this and there is no other way but actually working on it. It reminds me the way I successfully avoided some tasks on the book art course; I had them done as quickly as possible in the most concentrated condition (which is the effort, not the mood to wait). So I need to have this done, it’s decided.

Perhaps, I can sound pathetically, but I suppose I need to come back to the idea of the essence of life. It means the understanding of every single day as a part of your own life. Nobody procrastinates in dreams, but everybody achieves. Isn’t it simple? What is great and exciting for me to achieve during this seven weeks? The answer is certainly not “have watched all book reviews on YouTube” or be in touch with every picture on Instagram. Sometimes I really want to turn them off and leave only the Anki-droid and Dictionary.  As I understood I totally cannot accept the work on somebody, I need to be responsible and independent. (the bad side of which is inconsistency and uncertainty) I need to feel my own control over my own life.

It’s so magnificently warm and bright on the street, there is so fresh summer air which is talking to all of us to go out, to play something on the grass, to drink wine sitting at the wooden branch and watching the sunset. The image of summer is ahead.

But the morning was distinct because of the greyness of sky and hardship of being there. I did read the papers for the report and happily went out. I reckoned to paint today as it could be the college. There was almost no one at the workshop. Mahler at the headphones and the common stir around. It appeared to be so chaotic and disorganised (as it always is). I tried to be very concentrated and think about work but few times talks caught me.

Nastya didn’t want to explain to me why she hides the type of job her boyfriend (and my course mate) got. She became sarcastic and boasting because of my attempts to recognize. It struck me and I asked her whether she hurts me willingly. Her answer was yes and for some reason, it alienated her. At the lunch, I was sitting on the other side of the table chatting with other girls and then just went out. Afterward, she asked had I really been offended by that. In an artistic manner, I let her know that I don’t offense but change the attitude.

The teacher as always was going from one workshop to another grumbling about the attendance but without real comments on work. There were also talks about films and other stuff, music in the headphones and inner freedom to skip the anatomy lesson (because of the workshop).

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In need for clever enviroment

After yesterday’s late watching the film, I hardly could get up at usual 5 o’clock. So I went out the hostel a bit late but still manageable to come in time. Leaving the building I could see the two girls who usually go such time. Regularly I come to them and begin to chat about nothing and very fast I have to listen silly reflections on evident things. But today the only perspective of listening their rubbish made me control the speed, look carefully and try not to talk to them at all. That became strange as soon as they noticed me. At the last turn I spoke to them about my history purchases but it hadn’t become a conversation.

At the history auditorium it was dark and the students were sitting with their cellphones. I sat to Nastya but quickly went to turn on the light. Then it was possible to say hi to everyone and sit besides one of the cinema studies’ student. During the lecture itself I felt so happy to think and be able to recognise some facts. So the mist of Russian past is slowly disappearing. That was the best lesson of the day and as a result I had a few leaves of notes and ready plan to read up about the topic.

The only reason to sit with sleepy Nastya at the free breakfast time was my reluctance to go directly to the workshop. That was boring as usual. The first lesson of painting is perfect time to work a bit harder than typically, so I do. Everyone was focused on the set and did what had to be done at the normal study. The teacher’s advice and approach couldn’t touch or influence on me. I didn’t want to go out to look at the evident imperfections to the corridor therefore he said literally “Why you are so lazy!”. Common baby, face up someone’s puerility!

After the insipid lunch the painting went worse. In a moment the case became harder and much more tiresome than before. Music helped a little but I still was in a condition of boredom. The last lesson my main entertainment and food for thought was T. Chernigovskya’s lecture. That was a rain for the dried desire of my mind. Another brain stimulation which proof for me again that I NEED to read clever books and connect with clever  people this or that way.

The thought she said at the very beginning and which is so similar to my own condition now, was about her profession. She got the place at the university as an English teacher, but after a year of teaching she was terrified by the idea of wasting her life on lecturing the grammar rules and being bored all the time. So she diverted to Cognitive Science. The evident parallel to me standing in front of the canvas in great drabness forced me to think clearly and bigger. I’ve already got a good an idea, but there is still  some doubts.

With the lecture I could turn off the world of vulgar straightforward talking and total distraction. I could laugh at her smart jokes and make quick notes by the way. Look up Schrodinger’s cat. There are so many curious things and not answered questions, there is a space for contemplation. And this make me feel better despite the need for progress in the Mastery.

Yesterday evening

Mary can be late always. She compensates it with her constant sense of light. It is warm and light love to life with all its hardships and copings, with all its diversity and creativity. It is felt immediately like a heavy mantle of depressing rubbish fell off your shoulders releasing mind for great.

So was at the painted tram tunnel where I found myself out a bit happy. Though the way crossed the dirty nooks there was no hint of former tension. Not a spot of teachers’ harsh tales niether messy lunacy of the workshop. The other environment of Artplay with its pubs, designers’ labs and exhibitions. Clean offices and fashionable people with awareness of digital world. The smell of activity, achievements and purposes. Why the institute doesn’t smell like this? Why there are stone faces and trash at the corridors? Not proper questions.

The Scottish screenwriter was speaking about the writing for film easily and even funny. Just like real creativity does it – with natural curiosity, diligence and civic sense. Audience had good questions about the process and collaboration.

I led Mary to the student dim cafe upstairs where we had been talking until the closure. For some reason it’s easy to talk smart with her but not with the course mates. Night was quiet and miraculous, I couldn’t fell asleep, I read the reviews and watched trailers.