first exam

Today I had the first exam at this University. The hardest part was in the morning, I had to get up at six and be in a place at 8.30. Long time I tried to persuade myself to sleep more, but then I pushed myself out of the bed and slowly started to get ready. Mom got up too, she cannot sleep after alarm clocks. At the breakfast, I forced myself to eat an oatmeal, though I wanted something new and tasty. The way to the University I was thinking about million things beginning with the thought that didn’t make me sleep at night (it was a wonder: What if Rey will turn to the Dark side at the ninth episode, this would be very surprising) and finishing with the comparison of trees on the hills and the Breighel’s picture.

I run into the hall where group-mates were sitting. It turned out that one girl picked up the documents because of the financial situation. (I’m amazed by a social gap, some pays 450K and think they’re ordinary, some cannot handle 20K but think they’re ordinary too) However, I’d got a good partner for preparing dialogues. In the audience, I felt really strange because there was too much mindreading without any explanations. Finally, we had a short boring dialogue which the teacher didn’t like. I underperformed. After that, I wrote sentences. I was the last in the room and I got four. And I certainly couldn’t care less. Now all I want is to sleep or go out but not to take the textbooks and learn anything. No, please, no.

P.S. Right now I experience an emptiness and timidness of life without star wars. It’s my regular boring life without a spark of creativity. But I caught it, felt an excitement of making up new things and now I feel necessity for this. That’s great to use fantasy, mind and courage to make something.


All this warmth and all this coldness.

I overslept for a half of an hour and did exercises in a rush instead of a jog. Mom boiled some porridge for us and we had breakfast together in the sunny kitchen. During the road through the chip district, my head was light and empty, the same continued when I entered the University without paying any attention to the crowd of young applicants in front of the gym. While the exam passport was given I interacted with a girl who was coming to the English exam too. In spite of her medical background, she seemed boring – who does the cheat sheets before the very exam? We were sitting in the empty auditorium for about fifteen minutes in total boredom. I had managed to notice the leak in the ceiling, construction of the tables (which weren’t tables but the composition of iron balks and countertop), newness and the cheapness of the building. I’d noticed the silly phrases hand written on the table. Twice I was recognized as a teacher.

Then the woman came in and for more ten minutes set the equipment. The papers she gave us were surprisingly familiar. That was the first option on the site I used. Some answers were familiar even before the listening. The critical moment was speaking as I remember that there needed a structural answer but I hadn’t rehearsed any answers at all. I did some mistakes while speaking and heard it. After that boring process, I returned to writing. I rewrote three paragraphs about space. That seemed more or less interesting. After completing all the papers I got out of that cold chip auditorium.


The Institute and this University have in common bad new construction – painted walls and new doors, but they are the same impersonal and cold. You know, organizations built something new because of the pure need, and in this necessity very often makes them neglect aesthetics. After a few years, such building starts being and looking like unpleasant woodshed with broken parts but still able to work on the main purpose. Like an ugly loo.

There is a plenty of things I could reflect on after that exam. The main was the same. “What do I do? I’m not going to be a linguist and work on an employer. ”

Hot weather makes us all feel dizzy and unconscious. It was a great idea to swim at the pool after lunch.

Fast turn

So, finally I got myself in front of the computer screen. This day actually was almost free, but I felt quiet busy and stressed just because of the habit.

Let’s start with the fact that now I’m at home. My plan was to stay at Moscow a few days more but mom insisted on passing the exam at the local university and I came.

That day was so emotional. I got up early and slowly went to the institute for the last exam – interview. The weather was so grey that I cheered myself up by stating that the grey weather was much better for exam situation as it was really calm. And it made me really happy. The street and the institute itself were so empty that one moment I thought that it was a mistake. But no, there were people with notebooks at the corridor. I found out what was going on and passed to the first group of applicants. However, it took time.

The studio which was opened for us to revise notes was full of easels and stools. The girls read their summaries with great earnest. The whole situation reminded me the literature exam at the college and I didn’t like it. Instead of time among the gigling girls I stayed at the corridor where air seemed to me more fresh. My mind was too focused and relaxed the same time for talking about nothing. But I did it with Nastya Ch.

The examination room was white and good lighted, actually that was no more than the studio with the tables instead of easels. The questions were mixed in common mess and I was confused by it. The last year they devided these by the departments, now it was the heap. I took one and it turned out to be one with animation question. I sat down with the blank for notes.

Nonetheless, while I was sitting many other applicants talked on different topic and I got that there was a chance to win by the common education. When the summary was done (incomplete and unclear) I knew that’s finish. I didn’t understand how that happened but I easily jumped above questions and talked much about things I knew (Van Gogh’s biography, colours’ symbolism) Of course they caught me on the ingnorance in the russian animation. I didn’t watch and actually have no desire to watch classic films. And my childhood was full of Dysney products rather than local. However, it seemed fine and we passed to Production Design. I told about Aronin and Mikhalkov’s films maybe too emotional for being called logical. That was clear adrenaline and pleasure to hear something about War&Peace BBC production. I said good bye and went out.

I laughed and exclaimed in pleasure, talked to other girls in a rush, got aquanted with one costume designer and was waiting for Nastya to come to the park and eat some ice-cream together. But when she got out she didn’t talk with anyone, took her bag and fastly directed to the stairs. She was in tears and hardly spoke about the unlucky question, cold approach of teachers and her ignorance in thrillers and architecture. I tryed to relief her with jokes and my high spirit, with my vague situation and unfair mark for the second tour. (This is the other painful story)

At the park we discussed the new films and our impressions by acting. Then I led her to the centere where we had a brunch. She talked too much but after some time I could see the light in her nature. Something strange and distorted, some desire to be right as well as habit to be laughed at, to be awkward and odd. I left her at the New Arbat Avenue and went to the hostel.

The rest of the day I spend at the Vorobyevy’s hills. There were so much water and trees and calm people around. That was some concert at the stadium near and sounds were omnipresent. Frankly, I didn’t think or reflect much, my mind jumped throught the ideas I could say at the interview or it was empty at all. Quiteness was so suitable for me then but the same time so boring. To the moment I came to the MSU main building I had already been bored. Of course, at the viewpoint I tryed to feel some like or dislike to the town but couldn’t percieve enough emotions in general.

The MSU building, park and especially the sport pitches impressed me more. People had workouts at the tennis courts and running tracks. The back yard was full of cars which would ride out to the sunset. I wanted to play tennis then rather than just wonder around the park.

I hardly managed to go to the hostel and drink some tea. And then it had been started. Mom called and we was to decide either go home then or avoid the exam. She hesitated and called me so often that I was irritated by her indecision. That was night when I tryed to reserve the bus ticket, went to the bookstore for the textbook and to the grocery for snatch. Then fastly and smart I packed the suitcase talking and gigling the same time with girls. They were so friendly and opened.

The next morning I woke up the first at the room, took my buggage and called taxi. Then, you know, there were magnificent sunny roads of Sunday Moscow and taxi rider from the near to my hometown. Again it was badly organised but I could read the textbook with the earplugs.

2 tour, painting.

That was really strange that the neighbour turned on the conditioning and predicted the hot night and then I woke up at the clearly grey morning. There were all signs of storm outside. The only person who amazed was me, others cleaned everything up, swept streets and removed branches. I run at the park and one moment a crowd of martial students run me down. I had such moments only here. Happily I returned to the hostel and did everything calm.
The way to the institute was a bit unusual. The shop was closed at the late morning and I had to pass the construction again. Then I discovered how old the subway really is. The train on the red line stopped three times between four stations, doors squeaked and there was noise pollution all the time. I saw it but didn’t noticed as something archaic.
The workshop as I found it the first minute I came was in mess: stools, easels and stands were placed chaotically on the dirty black floor. The next amazement was the set. I turned the head and saw the woman sitting on the background of nothing. Colours were not harmonious and this is the reason why my first intention was to change it. I almost said something about too light drapery at the stool when I’d pinched myself to stay a humble applicant but not a self-confident no one. There was no difference in viewpoint so I fastly set the easel and removed stuff outside my place. Then the other boy had to replace his easel near to me and also he cleaned the remained rubbish at the corner. And everyone could walk and see the black floor at the workshop.
The process itself was fascinating and hard the same time. I noticed one difference in my approach. Earlier I based painting on dark colours, shadows and had problems with clear light, now I foundate at the light bright colours and cope with shadows. But as I did not really painted the whole year that was a bit hard to stay on previous level.
To be honest, I was irritated and had dark thoughts about everything around me. It was like in Sherlock “Anderson, you lower IQ of the whole district”, the social enviroment seemed me childish and that boy – pathetic. To my mind, they all had no idea of academic painting and how to do it. But I see it from my point of view and I can overlook something without.
I was really happy to leave the art department, look at the books on the second floor and meet Nastya at the escalator. Time passed so fast that I managed only to cook something, call mom, write this and watch really inspiring vebinar on education opportunities. Let’s be frank, now in front of insignificant reality I forget about the purposes and main desires. I should stay myself and consider this all as an investment in future. However, I feel that my patience in doing right things is limited and I need real creativity.

The first day of exams. Composition.

So, these three days went away. Maybe that was the hardest part of the exam process and I certainly should record it here timely because now it all seems far away from the present moment. However, I try.
It was a rush morning of friday: I couldn’t fell asleep the whole night and the moment the alarm clock rang I got up like a troop. Then I run even less than usual. At the undergroung it was noisy and crowdy but I closed my eyes to find an axes inside. The entrance of the institute was crowded with lots of applicants, I went by them easily and upstaired. At the hall girls sharpened their pencils, so did I. Though it was simple to stay calm outside the nervious enviroment, I felt some stress at the crowd in front of the door. It was stupid by them to orginise us that way (it’s a different kind of talk) I was the only person with salad and cardboard. Moreover it was physically hard to keep everything in hands we found out the workshops not ready for work. Can you imagine this? Time was up, but we had to spend it on removing easels and stools. So, I shouldn’t be criticital about them. While I set the workplace the Master asked me all the information about education and that was the only thing which he said me.
The process itself was hard for me. I tryed to modify the habits into the “new” demands: to show mood, light and shadow, interior, exterior. I’d chosen the theme “Interesting job” and didn’t realised that understood it ironically while they meant it seriously. This is why (and because they asked to base on own observations) I drawn the post office’s routine, slowness of fishermen at the ice, boredom at the electronic store but dynamic of tennis player. I did that all in a rush without real breaks or dinner, without noticing other people. However, the teacher who came there so often distracked me a bit. I remember that at the college we all began to mix colours instead of real painting while the teacher was behind. Even the toilet pauses were short and nervious. To the end of the time I was persuaded that my sheet was terrible. I saw just one of other people but strained myself.
The way back Nastya Ch. talked hyped-up. I couldn’t keep up with her energy level. I went to the Tretyakovskya and ate my salad at the bench. I remember how sadly my thoughts was. Gloomy I was going on the road in search of coffee or cake to relieve myself. But at once it showered and the option of the underground seemed me great.
At the Moscow Book Store it was the book presentation. The literator who was to come (Dmitry Bykov) was known to me by his literature lectures and horrific likeness with my dad. I was sitting there again and just observe clearly Moscow people: girl with real Moschino coat but speaking culturally and some guys showing off with some connections. However, I was sitting there again, but quiet upset and frozen. He was late ten minutes but appeared in the crowd with a book in hand as he had just bought it. He seemed an ordinary man in shorts and windbreaker, more grey haired than on public photos. His manners looked drowsy while the voice sounded vital.
The talk was wide, he touched the points of the Internet, revolution as a surgery, about new generation ahead and the hardship of making career in the present situation. It was fun, educating and sometimes vague for me (without literature education). I couldn’t make out who are that authour they were speaking about. I went out at the beginning of autograph session as I wasn’t to buy and read the book.
The air was more fresh as it had been after the meeting with Pozner. I ate the soap at the cafe and was totally inspired for everything ahead.

Very Verbally

So, yep. The first part of the most harsh exam came out.

The morning was calm and steady. I had a breakfast and coffee then have some time for myself and watched the video at Youtube. And understood that it’s not the community which I want to be a part of. This is why I spend much less time there.

1ffd87d784b176cf513e8e8203d23633The school of the exam was at the poor district this is why I had to arrive from the bus stop by the market. There is a lot of common women in grey clothes and with face expression of a peasant. However, I didn’t matter and went to the school. It seemed like no one was there, I stepped to the doors and found out them locked. Strange. However the back doors were transparent and opened.

This time it wasn’t so strict as the first two. The windows of the room looked on the stadium where the woman on the white bicycle had been driving cicles all the time of waiting. The two restless women didn’t know properly the process and we all had seen the scenes of their confusion and uncertainty. This pointed me out that I had already forgotten how it happened in the school life, how chaotic and unhuman this all is. The unlocking toilets, scarce equipment (without any comparison with time of my study, then it was more scarce but not so necessary) and the name of childen even for full aged audience.

However, the examine itself was really fast and boring. I felt nervious and the voice was trembling, my reading and questioning were fast. Answers weren’t great or normal, that was my stressful version of English. Maybe it’s ok for the state exam. I don’t worry or even matter, I am still learning things.

The end of the little trip

So, it’s my third day at home and there is no post on the romantic topic of road and it’s drawbacks. This is because of me who keep the word to be very active and do more for managing more. This is why two evening I either prime the canvas or sort out photos from the trip or download all the russian films I must watch and read my book (on the introduction step).

Now it is sunny morning with green trees out of the window and the cawing crow. I had the omelette for breakfast and have satisfied with it very much. How did I miss eggs!

Though, it’s time to back to Moscow. It was night when I was going to the subway, the town was different, almost empty but more dangerous and misterious. Near by the construction my heel was knocked down. In great hurry I amended it and went farther. That was the first time I saw the floor at the Arbatskya station. There wasn’t usual crowd but strange suspicious people who I tried to avoid. Even the railway station seemed to be more quiet and deserted. As I was aware of entries and exits, staircases and corridors it was easy to carry so much baggage to the platform. And there was no surprise when super Chuvash woman tried to humiliate others for her own vanity. People crowded around the railcars, talked or carried things inside. Of course, young men jumped the queue but it hadn’t any influence on anything generally. I was lucky to be surrounded with female. They patiently waited for me making the bed and stirring everywhere. I know I am a bad neighbour. It was night and I had no desire to look out of the window but sleep. It was the typical not full kind of sleep I have at the train. At the morning I was woken up by the frozen leg. Then everything was quiet: tasty breakfast, film 400 blows, the dinner – and at the next moment it had already been Cheboksary. 15.08.12 144

The weather blossomed. Sun lighted the green grass and trees, air and streets seemed significantly clearer. Mom had new haircut and another jacket. I had no inner problem in coming out of the capital, nor pathetic nor pose. The flat seemed very clear and comfortable – everything free to use. After the pea soup I sorted the baggage out so quickly and prepared clothes for washing so fast that I have time to go to know my exam results. And it is not so good as I hoped. And now I cannot know exactly the mistakes. Mom was a bit sad about it as it means I must work on the creative exams harder. But when I passed through the country like streets with little amount of cars and new building farther I was inspired very much. It was so easy to breath and think. That is behind.

The rest of the day I orginised the next two months and did little things.

A bit about painting in my life

It found out that my selfportrait made at the third course selected for the Young Artist’s exhibition. Fine. Such moments I usually think about my fruitless life and that I should create more pictures. Such things are sign either of my abilities or not so bad study at the past. Now my fears in front of painting are much bigger that a year before. I sincely perceive that painting is not the business I would like to do day by day. Even now among papers, summaries and textbooks I become upset too fast not by the topics but because of monotony and loneliness. But it doesn’t cancel my love to painting as art. And I still presume to paint just for myself.


The Dostoevsky’s paragraph has read through and my mind is full of ethical phrases. But than more I read than far I’m from the real understanding of his ideas. Being able to speak or write them I’m not in touch with it. Exam does not require it but the fact is the fact.

There has been the seven essays for literature in my word file since yesterday. But I’ve still been at the beginning of the curriculum and already afraid of having no time to do. Though I want to have New Year vocation with films, books and mulled wine.

Touching New Year. There is still none gift for anyone on my desk.What’s wrong? The idea of handmade gifts demands time and discipline to make all, and bought gifts aren’t available now. I have no idea what to give my mom.

But the truth is that girls will come from Moscow and evidently we’re going to meet. So I must think completely about this. Buy or make something.



English lesson 1

I’ve just come from my first lesson of english. And like the defence of diploma it was the attraction too. My teacher is self-confident and very artistic in her way of explaining. We did some little exercises from the exam itself right then. And of course I wasn’t ready to talk about the increasing interest in space. But I did. She praised me a little for fluently speaking (with huge deal of mistakes) even if I had no words enough to tell properly. I did the common mistakes in speeches but as she said I was not hopelessly. It’s not hopelessly. And I felt with my skin that I should study more productive. Pay attention to important details of grammar and pronunciation.

The other thing is enviroment. There is a spacious room with one window. The grey wallpapers with no poster. But about ten stools with turning worktops where the textbooks were left and the orange shelves with books in the corner. There was no plinth and the dark coloured door seemed little oddly. On different doors are different plates with names of great cities.  At the table of administrator there was the timetable highlighted with few colours. Iron cups for pens (evidently from mass market) and the computer screen with the keyboard. From the open door of one class it was sounded russian-english translation from a young female pupil.

But outdoor it’s so autumn-like. So orange and fresh to walk to home.